Open Season (16 page)

Cruising nightclubs was fine, and nightclubs were probably the richest hunting ground, but Daisy didn’t
want to ignore the available men in Hillsboro, either; in fact, a local would be a much better choice for her, since she wanted to live near her family. The problem was, she didn’t know that many single local men; the few in her church were all younger than she was, and she didn’t find them particularly interesting anyway. Hank Farris was single, but the Farrises were trashy and there was a reason why Hank had never been married: he stank. Badly. So Daisy didn’t count him as eligible, in any way.

But people talked, especially in a small town like Hillsboro with its spiderweb of acquaintances and kin. Just let someone say, “You know Evelyn Minor’s daughter, Daisy? The librarian? I hear she went into Clud’s and bought a whole
case
of condoms. My lands, what’s that girl up to?” Before she knew it, interested men would be crawling out of the woodwork. She’d have to weed out the undesirables, of course, but she figured a big portion of them would disappear when they found out she had no intention of actually
using
any of the condoms. They were merely a conversation piece, as it were.

On the other hand, she had never suspected buying condoms would be complicated. She stood in aisle five and stared at the stacks and rows of boxes. Who on earth knew there were so many choices? And what did the sexually hip young woman buy these days?

For instance, was something called a Rough Rider desirable or not? Daisy thought probably not, because that sounded like something a motorcycle gang would buy, assuming Hell’s Angels wore condoms. And what about ribs? Did it matter if a condom was ribbed or unribbed? Lubricated or not? On second thought, she opted for lubricated.

And on third thought, Cyrus Clud had an enormous
selection of condoms, far more than she would have expected for a small, independent pharmacy. Surely condom sales couldn’t be that brisk, since one could find them in so many other places.

She picked up a pack labeled “Tickle Her Fancy,” read the back, and hurriedly returned it to the shelf. Maybe Cyrus had a niche clientele. Maybe she needed to warn Chief Russo to keep a close eye on aisle five at Clud’s Pharmacy, because judging by the variety offered here, there were some hinky things going on in Hillsboro.

At last, desperate, she picked up a box called the PartyPak—that should cover all bases—and marched up to the register, where she plunked the PartyPak down on the counter in front of Barbara Clud.

“I hope everything’s all right with Evelyn and Joella,” Barbara said sweetly as she picked up the box, which was her way of priming the pump to find out if anything was wrong with anyone; then she noticed what she was holding and gasped. “Daisy Minor!”

Someone came up behind her. Daisy didn’t look around to see who it was. “Cash,” she said, as if Barbara had asked, and fished some bills out of her wallet to hurry along the process before half of Hillsboro lined up at the register. She had thought she would be able to accomplish this with an air of sangfroid, but she could feel her face heating. One would think Barbara had never sold condoms before, from her expression of shock.

Barbara began to turn red, too. “Does your mother know about this?” she whispered, leaning forward in an effort to keep their conversation private. Thank goodness for that much, at least, Daisy thought.

“Not yet, but she will,” Daisy mumbled, thinking the phone lines would be burning as soon as she walked out
of the store. She extended the money, trying again to just get this process completed.

“I’m in a hurry,” said a deep, grumbly voice behind and above her, and Daisy froze. “Just ring the damn things up.”

She couldn’t have moved if she’d wanted to. She knew that voice; she’d heard it much too often lately. If she could have, she’d have vanished on the spot.

Barbara’s face took on a purple hue as she scanned the bar code, the register chirped, and a total appeared in the little window. She took Daisy’s money, silently handed back the change, and shoved the PartyPak into a white paper sack emblazoned in red with the words
Clud’s Pharmacy.
Daisy dropped the change into her purse, took the paper sack, and for the first time in her life left a store without saying thank you to the person who had waited on her.

To her absolute horror, Chief Russo didn’t buy anything, just fell into step beside her. “What are you doing?” she hissed as they stepped onto the sidewalk. “Go back and buy something!” Maybe the redness of her face could be attributed to the heat rising in waves off the sidewalk. Maybe he wouldn’t notice she was mortified.

“I don’t need anything,” he said.

“Then why did you go inside in the first place?”

“I saw you go in and I wanted to talk to you. Condoms, huh?” he said, eyeing the paper sack with interest. “That looks like a big box. How many are in it?”

“Go away!” Daisy moaned, marching down the sidewalk with the PartyPak clutched to her chest. When she had hit on the plan of buying condoms to get men to notice her, she hadn’t meant
him
and she certainly hadn’t meant
now.
She had a half-hysterical vision of a
line of men following her down the street, trying to peek into her sack. “She thought I was buying them for you!” By now at least one person, perhaps two, had heard the news of Chief Russo and Daisy Minor buying a huge box of condoms. The chief had even said he was in a hurry! She swallowed another moan.

“I can buy my own condoms, thank you,” he said.

“You know what I mean! She thought they were for us—that we . . .” She trailed off, unable to give voice to the idea.

“We’d have to be rabbits to use that many on our lunch hour,” he observed. “I don’t think it’s possible. How many are in there, six dozen or so? That’s seventy-two, so even if we had the entire hour, that means, roughly, using one about every fifty seconds.” He paused and looked thoughtful. “That isn’t the kind of record I want to set. One every hour, or every two hours, that would be different.”

She actually felt faint with shock, though she supposed it could be from practically running in the noonday heat. With his longer legs, he was pretty much at his normal stride; he wasn’t even panting.

Not that she was panting; she didn’t want to even think about panting while he was talking about using a condom every hour. She was breathing fast, that was all.

“You’re overheating,” he said. “Let’s stop in the Coffee Cup for something cold to drink, before you pass out on the sidewalk and I have to carry you.”

Daisy whirled on him and said with muffled outrage, “She’s probably already called my
mother,
and goodness knows who else, telling everyone that we bought a PartyPak of condoms on our lunch hour!”

“Then the best thing for you to do would be to go
to the Coffee Cup with me so we’d have witnesses that we didn’t go to my house and do our best to use them all. PartyPak, huh?” He grinned. “I bet there’s an interesting variety. Let me see.”

“No!” she shrieked, turning away when he reached for the sack.

He stroked his jaw. “There’s probably an ordinance on the books against having pornographical items on the street.”

“Condoms are not pornographical,” she said, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. “They’re birth control and health-aid items.”

“Plain condoms, yeah, but there are probably some weird things in something called a PartyPak.”

Daisy chewed her lip. He wouldn’t arrest her; she was almost certain of it. On the other hand, this entire expedition had gotten out of hand so fast she was still reeling, and she wasn’t ready to push her luck. Silently she handed over the sack.

He didn’t just open the sack and look inside; he reached in and pulled out the PartyPak, right there on the street. Daisy looked around for a manhole to dive into, though any hole would have done. She’d made it half a step away from him before he seized her arm and hauled her back, all without looking up from the label on the back of the box.

“ ‘Ten different colors and flavors,’” he read aloud. “Including ‘bubble gum, watermelon, and strawberry.’ ” He glanced up and clicked his tongue. “I’m surprised at you, Miss Daisy.”

“I didn’t know about the watermelon,” she blurted, suddenly afraid there was a green-striped condom in the PartyPak box. This had been a terrible idea. Maybe Barbara would refund her money, unless there was a rule
against letting people return condoms. “You weren’t supposed to return swimsuits and underwear, so Barbara might throw her out of the store if she tried to return the PartyPak.

“If I were you, I’d worry more about the bubble gum,” he said absently, still reading.

She blinked, taken aback. “Oh, I wouldn’t
blow
them,” she said, then clapped her hand over her mouth and stared at him with wide, horrified eyes.

“Shut up,” she said furiously a few minutes later, when he showed no signs of stopping laughing. He was all but
howling,
leaning weakly against a parked car and still clutching the box of condoms as he bent over to brace his hands on his knees. Tears were running down his face. She wished they were tears of pain.

No, she didn’t; she didn’t want to hurt anyone, even him. But enough was enough, and she wasn’t going to put up with this another second. If he wanted to arrest her, he’d have to stop laughing to do it, because she was leaving, and taking her PartyPak with her.

He held up his left hand to ward her off as she approached, evidently thinking she was going to hit him, though that didn’t stop the chortles and wheezes. Daisy snatched the box away from him and said, “Adolescent!” in her most freezing tones, and marched away.

“W-wait!” she heard him gasp. “Daisy!”

She didn’t stop marching, or even turn around. Fury propelled her all the way across the square to the library and up the two marble steps to the front door. She paused there, taking deep breaths in an effort to appear composed, then breezed through the door and up to the checkout desk as if she were Miss America. It was only when she reached out to raise the counter barrier that she realized she held the PartyPak in her
hand, and there was no white paper sack covering it.

Kendra was behind the desk, and of course she immediately looked at what Daisy was carrying. Her eyes popped open so wide, white showed all the way around the irises. “Daisy! What—” She stopped, remembering where they were and that she should lower her voice. She pointed mutely at the box.

Everything else had failed her, so Daisy tried for nonchalance. “This?” she asked, lifting the box as if she couldn’t understand Kendra’s reaction. “It’s just a box of condoms.” Then she sailed into her office, shut the door, and collapsed in her chair.

“I hear you bought some condoms,” Todd said on the phone that evening, his amusement clear even through the telephone line.

“You, my mother and aunt, half the church, and all of the neighborhood,” Daisy said, and sighed. After all, that had been her plan. Sort of.

“And that you and our illustrious chief used half the box during lunch hour.”

“I went straight back to the library!” she wailed. “I
knew
that’s what Barbara Clud would say, the gossiping busybody! He wasn’t with me; he just came up while I was checking out.”

“She also said he didn’t buy anything, said he was in a hurry, and left with you.”

“This is going to ruin everything.” She sighed and sat down at the breakfast table, having taken the call in the kitchen. Her mother and Aunt Jo were watching television, as usual.

“How’s that?”

“If everyone thinks Chief Russo and I are having a—a thing—”

“An affair,” Todd supplied.

“—then no other men will come near me! How am I going to find a husband if no one will ask me out because they think the chief of police wouldn’t like it?”

“I can see where that would be a problem. He’s a big bruiser.”

“Well, that takes care of all the local men, so I bought those condoms for nothing.”

“I’m not certain I understand. Are you saying only local men could use them?”

“Oh, I’m not planning on
using
them. I knew Barbara would get the word out I’d bought them, and then some of the single men in town would find out I’m available, and modern, and things like that, and they’d be interested enough to at least check me out. That’s how it worked in theory,” she said glumly. “In reality, the chief ruined everything. Now I’ll have to concentrate on the nightclub men.”

“Are you going out tonight?” he asked.

“No, there’s too much to do getting my house ready. Buck Latham is finished painting, so now I have to clean and look for furniture, buy appliances, that sort of thing.”

“What style of furniture are you looking for?”

“Well, the house is small, so I’m aiming for cozy and comfortable. Whatever style that is, that’s what I want.”

“Does it have to be new? Or would you like some individual older pieces? We can pick those up at auctions for a fraction of what you would pay in a furniture store for something new.”

The idea of saving money always interested Daisy. “I’ve never been to an auction. Where is one, and when?”

“Everywhere, and always,” he drawled. “I’ll find one for tomorrow night, and we’ll have that house decorated before you know it”

Daisy moved into her little house on Friday, after a whirlwind of preparations that left her no time to fume about the way Chief Russo had sabotaged her condom plan. She was so busy she didn’t really mind the way some people whispered behind their hands when they saw her. This was the twenty-first century, after all; it was no big deal to buy condoms, even in Hillsboro. A lot of people did, or Cyrus Clud wouldn’t carry such a large supply.

For the most part, she didn’t have time to think about anything except the herculean task of moving. She had never let herself buy things to put away for when she got married and had her own home, because that would have been like admitting she wasn’t satisfied with her life. Well, she
wasn’t
satisfied, but now she was admitting it—and doing something about it.

She still wasn’t married, but she had her own house. So what if it was a tiny rental in a run-down neighbor-hood? It had a fenced backyard, she was going to get a dog, and it was her very own place. Unfortunately, because she’d never bought any household things beyond her own bed linens, that meant she had to endure some shopping marathons to get stocked up on the thousand and one items needed to set up house-keeping.