Only With You (4 page)

Chapter Three

Sydney

“Syd,” my publicist Laurie said, pulling on my arm.

I turned to face her, wondering if she’d called my name more than once. I’d been lost in thought, stirring my drink methodically as I watched the crowd at the party. People were getting drunk, but I couldn’t do that. I needed to keep up appearances. One or two drinks were socially acceptable, but more than that and I’d get talked to.

“What’s up?”

“Are you having a good time?”

I shrugged. “Sure.”

The high I’d gotten from performing and the buzz I’d carried throughout the night as they’d called
my name and I’d gotten up on stage to accept two awards had worn off. In the moment it had been everything I’d imagined it would be, and even though they weren’t my first Grammys, the feeling that washed over me when I realized I’d won never faded. It was still as much of an emotional experience as the first time.

That night
I’d won Pop Album of the Year and Best Song from a Major Motion Picture for
Only With You,
the song I’d written for
Shameless.
It was an indie flick and writing a song for it had pulled me completely out of my comfort zone since my usual ballads and pop anthems wouldn’t have worked. I’d considered it a long shot that they’d even asked me to contribute to the soundtrack, but because I knew exactly what would work, I’d written something completely soulful just to show everyone that my range was wider than they’d ever thought.

At the time
, the song had been based on my friendship with Ryder, but now the more I thought about it, I knew it had been based on much deeper-rooted feelings that I’d probably had for him for a long time. I just hadn’t realized them then.

I’d never told
him I’d written the song about him, always fearing he’d think it was silly, although I knew he loved the song itself. Now if I told him it was about him he’d probably think it was just sad.

Ryder. I sighed just thinking about him. We hadn’t talked in six weeks, not since I’d awkwardly left his parents’ house
the morning after our perfect yet awful kiss, but I thought about him constantly.

I missed him like crazy, and I wanted to call, but I was too embarrassed. I’d gone out on a limb when he’d kissed me, taking things further to see what might happen, and the look on his face when he’d pulled back – still so clear in my minds’ eye – tore me up on a regular basis. I wasn’t sure how we could go back to being friends after what had happened.

He was obviously freaked out by the fact that I’d basically attacked him. Maybe he’d been venturing a safe ‘Let me see if there’s any way I might like girls by kissing my best friend’ kiss, and I’d completely taken things overboard and essentially scared him off. I didn’t want to be that girl. And the worst part was, being that girl had cost me the best friendship I’d ever had.

It had been nice to let the feelings of loss that had been overpowering me lately fade away for a few hours, but now they were back. A
lthough people had been congratulating me all night, and I was surrounded by people who supported me – my team, my band, other musicians I’d met over the years – Ryder wasn’t with me, in spirit or in person. And if there was one person I’d wanted to share this night with, it was him.

In the past I
’d have called him on my way home and talked to him about the show, but I didn’t think I could do that anymore. A part of me wondered if he’d even watched it. I didn’t want to think about that prospect. It just made me sad. A lifelong friendship ruined in the span of three minutes. It just sucked.

“You seem a little out
of it,” Laurie said then. “And you’re ignoring Dillon. It doesn’t look good, especially since this is one of your first official appearances together as a couple.”

Laurie
gestured to the nice guy who was going to be my ‘boyfriend’ for the next few months. We’d been set up, because he was a member of a newer boy band called Westside that was trying to make a name for themselves, and what better way to do that than get them in front of the cameras. Dillon was the cutest of the four guys, and even though he had a girlfriend back home in Detroit, the band’s label didn’t want the fans to know that. So they’d attached him to me to make him more appealing – at least that’s what they told me.

Laurie
had begged me to do it, and since I hadn’t been in the mindset to date anyone for real, I figured, why not. A part of me sort of thought that it might help me seem more stable and help turn around some of the negative press surrounding my last few break-ups that had made me seem weak and emotional. I’d actually been photographed crying back in December after a particularly awful scene in which I’d witnessed Whit flirting with his new super-model girlfriend a few days after we’d broken up. That had been one of the many things in a chain of events that had sent me running to Ryder in the first place.

Since
a few months had passed and I hadn’t been seen with anyone, the press was saying I still was torn up over Whit. I wasn’t. I was torn up over Ryder, but I couldn’t do anything about that. I think Laurie felt that if I was dating someone new, someone young and cute and flirty, then it would help the press see that I was over Whit. That sounded great to me since I’d long ago gotten past what he’d done to me. And Dillon was a sweet guy. He was a little star struck, but he was so in awe about everything happening around him that it was kind of cute. And I felt bad for him. He loved his girlfriend, who he’d been with for two years, but the label was against any of the guys being tied down and unavailable.

Our relationship was meant to be short, maybe three months. We’d date openly, and then when I went on tour in April, we’d stay together for a month
or so and then break-up. But we’d stay friends so it looked good for both of us. It was all a choreographed dance that I’d be a part of. And I’d probably make a new friend in the process.

It did afford me the right to not have to date anyone new. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was taking myself off the market. I was done with guys for at least a w
hile, and until I could get over Ryder, I didn’t think dating someone else would even be an option. Unfortunately, the feelings that had surfaced so suddenly on New Year’s Eve hadn’t gone away. If anything they’d multiplied ten-fold since then, and I wasn’t exactly sure what I was supposed to do to move past him.

“I’m not ignoring Dillon,” I argued. “He went to go call his girlfriend, and I got another drink.”

“He’s over there talking to Camden and Phillip. It looks like you’re in a fight.”

I sighed. “We’re not
in a fight. It’s not possible to be in a fight when we’re not really together.”

O-k
ay, so maybe I was more bitter about fake dating Dillon than I’d originally thought. Or maybe I was just on edge because a part of me was finally feeling the effects of not having talked to my best friend in a month and a half. I just missed him.

“I know,
but it looks like you’re fighting, and to everyone here, you
are
with Dillon,” Laurie reminded me, her mind always on what the outside world saw when they looked at me.

“Laurie
, I’m exhausted. I just want to go home.”

I figured leveling with her might get me what I wanted, which was a long
hot bath and my bed.

But s
he shook her head. “Syd, you won two Grammys tonight. This is the time for you to celebrate, have the time of your life. If you don’t, people are going to start asking questions. So go live it up.”

Four months ago, I would have done just that. I would have been dancing
with Dillon, Camden, Phillip and Van, the guys from Westside. I would have been mingling and flirting harmlessly with other people I knew, but I just didn’t have it in me. Ryder had done a serious number on me.

But, I was nothing
if not professional, and if Laurie needed me to go have fun, I’d do just that. I’d smile for the cameras, glow about my wins and look like I couldn’t have been happier. So without another thought, I smiled, walked over to Dillon, tucked my arm into his and leaned my head on his shoulder. I saw camera flashes take record of our adorable scene like I knew they would. If nothing else, I knew how to survive in this world, and until I could sort out my feelings for Ryder, I was going to have to do just that.

* * *

After we’d dropped off Dillon and the other guys from Westside at the house they were renting in Redondo Beach, I had the limo driver take me back to my house in Malibu. I’d bought it the year before after deciding to move out of my parents’ house in Beverly Hills. It was right on the beach and had a spectacular view that I was trying to enjoy as much as possible before I’d be gone again for six months.

I changed out of the short green dress I’d worn to the after
party and put on sweatpants and a hoodie. It was still chilly in L.A., especially on the beach. On my back porch, I sat in relative darkness and watched the waves roll up on the shore, my cell phone clutched in my hand. I hadn’t looked at it all night for fear of what might not be there.

Ryder always texted me after he saw one of my performances or interviews – and he watched them all
. I was pretty sure he had his DVR programmed to record anything with me in it, which I’d always loved. Getting a congratulations text from him was always the highlight of my day, because it felt like he’d been right there with me, if not in person, then at least in spirit.

Finally working up the courage to look at my phone, I saw that I had a few text messages. Most were from family members and a few friends I had in the industry who hadn’t been in attendance that night, but there was nothing from Ryder. And even though I
’d known deep down that he probably wouldn’t send me anything, my heart still sank. I’d been hoping, even if it was a hope that was full of emptiness.

Staring out at the dark ocean, I pulled my knees up to my chest and wondered if I shouldn’t jus
t call him. It was late on the East Coast, but he might still be up. Although I wasn’t sure what I would say. In the end, I just decided to go for it and dialed his number before I could talk myself out of it.

“Hello?” he said after several rings, his voice sleepy and gravelly and oh, so
freaking sexy.

“Ry?” I asked, my voice sounding childlike.

“Syd?” he questioned, and hearing him use my nickname was so sweet to my ears.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied.

Apparently we were being monosyllabic. I needed to rectify that.

“What are you doing?”

“I was sleeping,” he said and punctuated his statement with a yawn.

Did even his yawns have to be so sexy? Seriously!

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. How are you?”

“I’m okay
– hanging in there. I just, I guess I missed you.”

“Yeah?”

I was not lost on the fact that he didn’t say he missed me too.

“Yeah. So, did you watch the show tonight?”

“No, I didn’t catch it,” he said, and my heart sank a little more. He’d never missed one of my performances before. “How was it?”

“Good, I guess.
I mean, I won two awards, and Chris said the performance was great.”

Chris was my manager, and he was always quick
to tell me if something went well or not. He’d been grinning from ear-to-ear when I came off-stage earlier in the night, telling me how awesome I’d done.

“
Congratulations,” Ryder said, yawning once more. “I’m happy for you.”

“
Thanks,” I said, my heart warming just a little, even if his tone was more passive than I wanted it to be.

I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. I finally decided to just let him get back to sleep.

“So, I know you’re tired. I’ll let you go, but call me if you want to catch up. I want to hear about what’s going on with you.”

“Sure thing, Syd. I’ll call you soon.”

“Okay. Bye Ryder.”

As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears.
It was bad enough that I had feelings for Ryder since I couldn’t have him, but after that phone call and the time and distance that separated us, I was pretty sure I’d also lost him as a friend.

Chapter Four

Ryder

“Dude, who called you last night?” Jake ask
ed as we walked back from the Microeconomics class we had together.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your phone rang at like three in the morning, and you talked to someone for five minutes. Was it that Zeta chick booty calling you? I heard them say they were going to The Swamp when they left the house, and considering the fact that she was practically chewing your face off while she sat on your lap like you were freaking Santa Claus, I figured she might have come back for her present and a candy cane.”

The Swamp was a restaurant/bar close to campus that was always packed on the weekends. It figured the Zetas had ended up there.

I laughed. “You’re so full of shit, man.”

“No way, dude. She totally wanted you, and you could have had her.”

I shrugged. The girl had been cute, and kissing her had been a nice distraction, but my heart hadn’t been in it. I wasn’t the kind of guy who slept with girls just for the sake of it. I’d done that a few times before deciding casual sex wasn’t for me.

Jake mimicked my shrug. “What does that mean?”

“It means shut up before I deck you.”

“Ooh, I’m scared,” he said, fake ducking away from me when I raised my fist at him. “So who was on the phone?”

“I don’t remember talking to anyone,” I said, as I hiked my backpack higher on my shoulder. “You probably dreamed it.”

“Trust me. I didn’t dream shit
. Check your phone. And if it’s that Zeta girl, you need to call her tonight and invite her over to watch a movie. I’ll clear out, give you some space.”

‘Watch a movie’ was code for come over and hook up. It was a college thing. But I wasn’t ‘watching a movie’ with the Zeta. I
couldn’t even remember her name, and she’d been way too handsy for my taste. She kept trying to grab my junk as we’d been making out on the porch with like ten other people around. I definitely wouldn’t be seeing her again. Of course I didn’t tell Jake any of this since he would have called me a pussy for not taking the opportunity when a girl was so obviously willing to spread her legs for me.

“Fine, I’ll check my phone
,” I grumbled, just to shut Jake up.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and checked the call log. Then I tripped over my shoes when I saw her name.
Jake was looking at me in question as I righted myself.

I looked up and met his gaze. “It was Sydney.”

“Ha! You talked to Sydney, and you don’t even remember it? That’s hilarious.”

No, it was not hilarious.

I should give him a flying elbow to the head just to shut him up. My mind was reeling as I tried to remember any piece of the conversation I’d apparently had with Syd, but it alluded me. I’d always been a heavy sleeper. Could I have had a full conversation and not remembered any of it? I wondered what we talked about.

“How long did I talk to her?” I asked Jake.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. A few minutes. Your chick ringtone woke me up.”

My ringtone for Sydney was the song she wrote for
Shameless.
It reminded me of how I felt about her. I loved that song. I hadn’t heard it in so long, though, refusing to listen to anything of hers while I forced myself to move on. I don’t think Jake realized the ringtone was hers or he would have known who had called.

“What did I say
to her?” I asked him.

“Not much. I could only make out a few words through the wall, but it didn’t sound like all that exciting of a conversation.”

Damn. That sucked. I was kicking myself for not being able to remember. My heart was pounding from the sheer fact that she’d called me. She’d reached out after all this time. Maybe all wasn’t lost. Maybe I missed her more than I wanted to admit, and maybe, even if she didn’t want to be with me, the fact that she was calling gave me hope that we could be friends again. At this point, missing her voice and hurting from the fact that our friendship had been severed, I’d take what I could get.

When I got back to my room, I called her, but the call went straight to voicemail. I was on pins and needles the whole night, all through our chapter meeting, not paying attention to anything our president, Darren, was saying. Afterward, Jake asked me to go running with him, and I figured I would
go just to take my mind off of the fact that Sydney hadn’t returned my call. It had been six hours. Not that I was counting.

I knew she had a busy schedule. She was getting ready for her worldwide tour, but she’d always made time to call in the past.

While I was running, I had my iPod on shuffle, and it just happened to flip over to that damn song from
Shameless.
Apparently the universe wanted me to hear that song, and because I was weak and missing her, and even though it didn’t have the right beat to run to by a long shot, I still let it play out while my feet pounded on the sidewalk just so I could hear her voice. I liked to think that she wrote the song about me, but I knew that was as far from the truth as it could get. It was probably about one of her douchebag ex-boyfriends. I hated all of them.

When Jake and I got back to our room, I glanced at my phone before getting in the shower. No missed calls. It was the same when I got out of the shower and later that night and the next morning. Three days later I still hadn’t heard back, so I called again. This time I left a message.

Hey Syd. It’s Ryder. I was just calling to say hi. Call me back.

The ‘I love you
and I miss you’ I wanted to say were pretty much implied. We always ended out messages with that phrase, but I couldn’t say it out loud. I was afraid my voice might crack if I did.

Of course s
he didn’t call back. After two weeks, I just gave up hope that I’d ever hear from her again. Maybe she’d been drunk after The Grammys. Maybe she had no recollection of calling me or if she did, maybe she regretted it. Either way, I decided I wouldn’t try again. This time, I was really done.