Only Mine (17 page)

Aurelia watched her walk away. She knew her mother expected her to run after her, but she couldn't. The relationship they'd had before had been twisted and difficult. If she wanted it to change, she would have to be strong.

Stephen walked over to her and put his arm around her. “How do you feel?”

“Nauseous.” She pressed her hand to her stomach. “We're not done. She'll be back. But I feel like I've taken the first step and that's something.”

“It's great.”

She looked up at him and smiled. “Great is healing some freakish disease. All I did was stand up to my mother.”

“When was the last time you did that?”

“I was probably five.”

“Then it's a big deal.”

“You're too nice to me.”

“Not possible.”

They walked through the park, going away from the direction her mother had chosen. Aurelia told herself to ignore the guilt, and that in time, it would fade.

The reality was her mother was more than capable of supporting herself. But for some reason, she wanted to be taken care of.

“Maybe she thinks that having me pay for things proves that I love her,” she said, thinking out loud.

“Or she wants to be able to tell all her friends. That gives her status with them. After all, what do their kids do?”

“I hadn't thought of that,” she admitted. “On my good days, I tell myself to feel sorry for her rather than be angry or resentful.”

“Does it work?”

“Sometimes.”

They stopped by Lake Ciara. The sun had set and the sky was dark. She could see the first stars appearing. As a little girl, she'd wished on the stars, wanting them to make her dreams come true. Back then, most of her dreams had been about a handsome prince who would rescue her.

Now, looking back, she realized the rescue was about escaping her mother. While she'd appreciated having someone to care about her, that relationship had too many rules and strings. Even as a child, she'd felt the need to be loved for herself.

That desire was still there, but she knew it wouldn't come from the stars. Instead she would have to grow enough as a person to be able to accept that kind of love. Tonight had been a good first step. If her mother returned and tried to suck her back into their old relationship, she would do her best to stand strong.

“You're looking serious about something,” he said.

“Reminding myself to stay strong.”

He gazed into her eyes. “I really admire you.”

She blinked. “Excuse me?”

“You've had to deal with so much. You're standing up to the only family you have. You're on this show.”

While she appreciated the praise, she didn't feel especially worthy. “I'm nearly thirty years old. It's long past time for me to take on my mother. Besides, you stood up to your brother. I think you inspired me.”

He shook his head. “It was just the two of you. Changing that relationship isn't easy.” He grimaced. “I didn't stand up to my brother, in fact. I ran.”

“That's different.”

Without warning, he leaned in and kissed her. The feel of his mouth against hers made every part of her weak with longing. She kissed him back, knowing she shouldn't, telling herself she would stop any second now.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her hard against him. She went willingly, surrendering to a force bigger than her doubts. He was tall and strong and made
her feel safe. Stephen always made her think that, as long as he was there, nothing bad could happen.

When his tongue touched her bottom lip, she parted for him. She met him stroke for stroke, feeling the heat grow. His hands moved up and down her back, then dropped to her hips. She surged toward him and felt his erection against her stomach.

The physical proof of where this was going shocked her into pulling away. She stepped back, her breathing ragged, and stared at him.

“Stop,” she gasped, then shook her head and held up a hand. “You have to stop.
We
have to stop. This is crazy.”

His blue eyes were bright with passion as he reached for her again, but she stepped back.

“I mean it,” she said as forcefully as she could. It was difficult to be stern when all she wanted was to throw herself at him, to be held by him, to make love with him.

“I don't understand,” he told her. “I thought…” He looked away. “My mistake.”

“No.” She grabbed his arm to keep him in place. “I'm sorry. I'm saying this all wrong. Stephen, this isn't about you. It's about me and us and where we are in our lives.” She stared at him, willing him to understand.

“You're twenty-one years old. You need to finish college and go live your life. You have so many firsts, so many new experiences ahead of you, and I don't want to get in the way of that.”

He didn't look the least bit understanding or appreciative of her attempt at self-sacrifice. “What the hell are you talking about? You're acting like you're a hundred years older than me. What first do I have in front of me that you don't have, too? Sure, you're a couple of years older, but so what? I like being with you. I thought you felt the same.”

He liked being with her? It was hard to focus on what was important and not revel in that information. As for the firsts… “What about falling in love for the first time? You need to do that with someone your own age.”

He stared at her with the expression of a confident male. At that moment there wasn't nine years between them. They were equals—or maybe he was a little in charge.

“Who have you been in love with?” he asked.

“Um, well, technically I haven't been in love, but we're not talking about me.”

“Your point is that you have a whole world that I haven't experienced. But that's not true. You told me that even during college you were coming home every weekend. It's not like you had a great love affair. And since then, you've been involved with work and dealing with your mother.”

Aurelia began to regret all the things she'd told Stephen. She hadn't realized he would use the information to win an argument.

“You're not a virgin, are you?” he asked.

She flushed but managed to keep looking at him. “No.
Of course not.” She'd had sex. Once. Back in college. The night had been a disaster. For once, she hadn't gone home for the weekend. She'd stayed on campus and gone to a party where she'd gotten drunk for the first time in her life. Not to mention the last time.

She remembered going to the party and meeting a guy. He'd been cute and funny and they'd spent a couple of hours talking. Then he'd kissed her and… She'd never been sure what had happened next. Events were blurry. She remembered him touching her everywhere and being naked and that sex had hurt a lot more than she'd thought it would. But there were no details, just vague images.

She'd spent the next three weeks sweating whether or not she was pregnant, and the next few months waiting to see if there was anything else she had to worry about. She'd managed to escape relatively unscathed, but nothing about the encounter had made her want to repeat it. Until now. Until a twenty-one-year-old boy held her and kissed her. Suddenly there were possibilities.

Life was nothing if not unexpected, she thought sadly. She'd finally found someone she could care about, and everything about him was wrong. She supposed it could be worse. He could be married or eighty or gay.

“I know what I want to do with the rest of my life,” she said. She had to do the right thing. “I have an established career and something resembling a life. Yes, I have issues with my mother, but I'm working on them. I'm going to keep working on them. You need to go finish college and find out what you want to do with the rest of your
life. You need to find a girl your own age and fall in love and get married and have beautiful babies.”

It was difficult to talk. Her throat tightened, and her eyes began to burn. “You're really special, Stephen. I want the best for you.”

“This is bullshit. You think I care what other people think? What does age have to do with it? Why can't you be that girl? As for what I want to do with my life, why can't I figure that out with you?”

“Because you can't.”

“There's an argument.” He grabbed her by the shoulders. “You're the one that I want.”

“You say that now. But you could change your mind tomorrow.”

“So could you,” he told her. “I should trust you because of your age?”

What she wanted to say was that he could trust her because he knew her. But she knew he would tell her the same applied to him. The part that scared her was that she knew he could be right. Which left her exactly where?

“You scare me,” she admitted in a shaky whisper.

He immediately dropped his hands and took a step back. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—”

“Not that way,” she said quickly. “I'm not afraid
of
you. I'm afraid of what I feel when I'm around you. I'm afraid of what I want.” She shook her head. “I don't want to see you again privately. We'll go out on our dates for the show but that's all. I can't do anything else.”

“Aurelia, no!”

She turned and walked away. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do. She heard him start to come after her, then he seemed to change his mind. It was for the best, she told herself. It didn't feel like it right now, but eventually she would get over him and move on. He needed to be with someone else. As for what she needed, she'd always been very good at thinking about others first.

 

F
INN HELD
the front door open as the last of Dakota's guests left. When he'd returned with the prescription, the house had still been full of helpful friends. As he watched, they'd shown her the best way to feed the baby. That had been followed by a diapering demonstration and lots of other advice.

Denise, Dakota's mother, had offered to stay, but her daughter had refused.

“I need to know if I can do this,” Dakota said, sounding brave.

“Call me if you need anything,” her mother said. “I can be here in ten minutes.”

Dakota looked like she was going to change her mind and ask her mother to stay, then shook her head. “We'll be fine.”

Finn led Denise to the door.

“If things look desperate,” Denise whispered, “you call me.”

“I will,” he promised. Although if things looked
desperate, his plan was to stay the night. It might have been a long time since his brothers were babies, but Finn remembered the drill.

He returned to the living room only to find it empty. Making a logical assumption, he went down the short hallway and into the baby's room.

Hannah lay in her crib. Earlier, Dakota had changed the baby's clothes. Everyone had agreed that she could wait on the bath. There had already been enough new experiences for one day.

Hannah stared up at the gently turning mobile. She was mesmerized by the rotating bunnies. But even as she stared, her eyes slowly drifted closed.

“I didn't expect her to be so beautiful,” Dakota whispered as she brushed her daughter's cheek.

He came up behind her and put his hand on her waist. “In about fifteen years, you're going to have guys lined up around the block.”

Dakota smiled at him. “Right now I'd settle for getting through the night.”

“She's on her medicine and seems to be feeling better. Her tummy is full, you know how to change a diaper.”

She stepped away from the crib. He followed her into the living room.

“You're right,” she said brightly. “I've had a crash course in parenting. I'm going to be fine.” She smiled, which didn't fool him. “You've been great. I really appreciate all your help. It's been such a long day, you must be exhausted.”

She was working the program, he thought. Faking it with the best of them. He could see the terror in her eyes, but she was determined to be brave. At least on the outside.

This was where he told her he was leaving, he reminded himself. What they'd had before had been great. Fun and uncomplicated. Hannah changed everything. Dakota was now a mother. There were new rules, and he wasn't going to screw with them. Getting out while he could made the most sense.

Except he couldn't seem to leave. Her pretend bravery touched him. Her willingness to throw herself into a situation for which she was desperately unprepared made him admire her. Add that to the fact that he already liked her, and there was no way he could walk out. Even though it was the smart thing to do.

“I'm staying,” he told her. “You can't change my mind, so don't bother trying. You're stuck with me for the night.”

“Really?”

He nodded.

She sank to the sofa and covered her face with her hands. “Thank God. I was trying to make everyone think I know what I'm doing. I don't have a clue. I've never been so scared in my life. She's completely dependent on me and I don't know what I'm doing.”

He sat down next to her and pulled her against him. “Here's what we're going to do. You're going to get the baby monitor and put it in the bedroom. Then we're
going to get ready for bed. I'll be here, so you're going to sleep as much as you can.”

“I'd like to sleep,” she admitted, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“Then here's your chance.”

She raised her head. “Thank you for everything. You're my hero.”

“I've never been anyone's hero before.”

“I doubt that.”

He stood and pulled her to her feet. Together, they walked toward the bedroom.

Inside of him, a voice screamed that this was trouble, but he silenced the words. He wasn't getting involved. He was staying for one night and then things would go back to the way they'd been before.

“W
E NEED TO MAKE THE SHOW
more interesting,” Geoff said. “I want to use one of the festivals as a backdrop. This town has them every other week.”

“Sometimes more,” Dakota agreed. “I think the Tulip Festival is next. I'll talk to the mayor and see what she says about you filming there.”

She had a feeling Mayor Marsha would be less than amused at the idea but would still probably agree to it. After all, keeping Geoff in plain view was safest for everyone.

“Good,” Geoff told her. “We need to add some drama to the show. I've been getting complaints from the executives. I'm not sure the festival is going to be enough. Do you think we could get a police band radio and follow the cops? Maybe if there was an explosion or something.”

“We don't have an explosion rate here,” she told him, doing her best not to roll her eyes.

“Too bad,” he muttered.

Dakota wasn't sure what to say to that.

Geoff glanced at the pad in his hand, as if checking to see if there was more. Just then, Hannah made a cooing sound.

The producer turned toward the noise and saw the baby in her playpen. Hannah was on her back, staring at the mobile Dakota had attached to the side of the crib.

“Is that a baby?” Geoff asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“Yours?”

She hid a smile. “Yes.”

He turned to leave, then looked at her again. “Were you pregnant and I missed it?”

“She's six months old.”

“So that's a no?”

The smile escaped. “I wasn't pregnant before.”

“Okay. Because I've been told that I'm not very observant when it comes to anything other than the show. But I would have noticed if you were pregnant.”

“I'm sure that's true.”

He looked at Hannah. “She's yours, right?”

Dakota thought about explaining about the adoption, but decided he really wasn't that interested. “She's mine.”

“Okay, then. You'll ask about the explosion?”

“No, but I'll ask about the festival.”

Geoff sighed. “I guess that will have to do.”

“I guess it will.”

He left.

Dakota laughed, then crossed to the playpen and picked up Hannah. “What a silly man,” she said, holding her daughter in her arms. She felt the girl's forehead and
was pleased that it was cool. The antibiotic was working quickly.

Her mother had stopped by that morning to check on her and warn her that Hannah's fever could climb during the day. Dakota was prepared with Tylenol drops. So far, though, everything was going well. Hannah had been eating and seemed less frightened of all the new experiences.

While Dakota sat in her chair, holding the baby, she called the mayor and explained about the festival.

“If I say no, will he take his show and go away?”

“Probably not.”

“Then I suppose he can film it. How's Hannah?”

“Doing well. She slept for a few hours last night. She's eating well.”

“Good. You know you can call me if you need anything.”

“Yes, I know. Thanks.”

Dakota made a couple more calls, then walked around the production office with her daughter. No one seemed overly interested in the child, which was fine. These people didn't know her.

When they got back to her desk, she put the baby in her car seat and placed her so that she could see the morning filming out the window. Dakota did her best to work but found herself glancing at Hannah every few seconds.

She had a baby. A child of her own. The true miracle of it all had yet to sink in.

A few minutes later, Bella Gionni, one of the feuding Gionni sisters, walked into her office.

“I wanted to see how things were going,” the dark-haired, forty-something woman said. “We were all worried about your first night. How was it?”

“Good,” Dakota told her. “Hannah slept relatively well. She's doing better. I don't think her ears are bothering her as much.”

What she didn't admit was that Finn had spent the night with her. Every time Hannah had whimpered, Dakota had jumped to her feet and raced into the baby's room. Finn had been right there with her, helping with the formula, getting her settled in the rocking chair. She couldn't have done it without him.

“Can I hold her?” Bella asked.

“Of course,” Dakota said. The doctor had told her to make Hannah's life as normal as possible. In Fool's Gold, that meant knowing lots and lots of people.

She took the baby out of the car seat. Bella held out her arms, and Hannah seemed to lean into her. From what Dakota could tell, the little girl was enjoying the attention. Perhaps there hadn't been enough at the orphanage.

“Who's that beautiful little girl?” Bella asked, cooing softly. “That's you. Yes, it is. You're going to be a heartbreaker.”

Dakota knew this was the first of many visits. Not only would Bella come back again, but there would be others. The women in town would take care of them both.

While she appreciated the support and knew she could depend on it, she knew that last night it had been Finn who had kept her sane. Having him stay had meant everything to her. It had been better than sex. Not that she would say so if he asked, because the sex was amazing. But last night had been about taking care of her. About being the man she needed.

She'd never been able to depend on a man before. The experience was new, and she found she liked it. Still, it wasn't something she should get used to. After all, Finn was leaving. He'd made that very clear.

Even so, she was determined to enjoy what she had while it lasted.

 

A
URELIA KNEW
there was a problem when three more days passed and she hadn't heard from her mother. Normally they didn't go an entire day without speaking at least twice. While she knew she had to learn to stand on her own, there was no reason she also had to lose contact with the only relative she had. After work the following Friday, she went by her mother's house.

Her mother answered the door right away.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Are you here to see me?” her mother asked, feigning surprise.

“Yes. We haven't spoken in a few days. I wanted to check on you.”

“I can't imagine why. You've made it clear that you
care nothing about me. I could drop dead in the street and you would simply step over me.”

Aurelia told herself to be patient. She had established new boundaries that her mother didn't like, and they were going to be tested. If she respected herself, her mother would learn to respect her, as well.

Instead of getting angry or frustrated, she smiled. “You have such a way with words. You always create the most amazing visuals. I wish I'd inherited that ability from you.” With that, she slipped past her mother and entered the house.

“Have you made tea yet?” she asked as she made her way to the kitchen. Her mother always made tea after work, unless she was going out with friends.

There was no kettle on the stove, which meant her mother was going out that evening. Good. Conversation couldn't drag on for hours.

Her mother followed her, then came to a stop in the middle of the kitchen. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest and her mouth was pinched.

“Did you come here to mock my poverty?”

Aurelia raised her eyebrows. “There you go again. Mom, have you ever thought of writing fiction? You'd be so good at it. Maybe short stories, you know, for those women's magazines?”

“I don't appreciate you making fun of me.”

“I'm not,” Aurelia said gently. “I wanted to check on you and make sure everything was all right. I'm sorry
you don't feel comfortable calling me. I hope that will change.”

“It will change when you stop acting so selfishly. Until then, I want nothing to do with you.”

There it was. The gauntlet. In the past, Aurelia had always given in. The thought of being abandoned by her mother had crushed the little spirit she had left. But today was different. Sure, she felt like throwing up, but that would pass. She meant what she'd said before. She was happy to help in an emergency, but she was done being a financial and emotional convenience.

She'd had plenty of time to think about her actions. Stephen had respected her wishes. She hadn't heard from him once. Why did her mother find it so easy to ignore her while Stephen found it so easy to do exactly what she asked? A dilemma for another time, she told herself.

“I hope you have fun tonight with your friends,” she said quietly. “It was nice to see you, Mom.” She turned to leave.

Her mother caught up with her in the hallway. “You're leaving? Just like that?”

“You said you didn't want to have anything to do with me unless I went back to the way I was. I can't do that. I'm sorry if you think that makes me selfish. I don't think it does.”

“I'm your mother. I should come first in your life.”

Aurelia shook her head. “No, Mom. I need to come first in my own life. I need to take care of myself.”

Her mother put her hands on her hips. “I see. Selfish
to the end. I know what you're saying to yourself. When in doubt, blame the mother. I suppose this is all my fault.”

“I didn't say that and I'm not thinking that. But if you're first in your life and you're first in my life, where does that leave me?”

She didn't expect an answer, but she waited for a few seconds anyway. It seemed polite. Her mother opened her mouth and closed it.

“I'll talk to you soon,” Aurelia said, then left.

On the walk home, she replayed the conversation in her head. For once, she was happy with what she'd said. She might not be where she needed to be, but she was making progress.

She found herself wanting to call Stephen and tell him what had happened. Only she couldn't. They were seeing each other on the show and nowhere else. She knew she'd made the right decision, but that didn't make the loneliness any easier to bear.

 

D
AKOTA WRAPPED
the towel around Hannah. Her daughter was warm and rosy after her bath. Denise stood at the end of the changing table and gently tickled her granddaughter's toes.

“Who's a beautiful baby girl?” Denise asked in a singsong voice. “Who's special?”

Hannah waved her fingers in the air and laughed.

“She's feeling much better,” Dakota said. Knowing her daughter was healing was such a relief. Getting used
to dealing with a baby was hard enough, but when that baby was sick, it was a nightmare.

She and Hannah had been together nearly a week now. They'd established something of a routine. The follow-up visit to the pediatrician had been much better than that first encounter. The doctor had said Hannah was doing well. Her weight was up, and her ears were clear. Hannah had to finish the course of antibiotics and there was still teething to get through, but all that was doable.

“She's eating well,” Denise said. “I can tell she's feeling better. Do you have her on the new formula?”

“Yes. We were lucky. Her tummy handled the change well. The doctor said to start her on solid food in another week, which is a whole week sooner than we expected. That will help her gain more weight and catch up with her age group.”

She finished drying the little girl, then put a new diaper on her and slipped her into her pajamas. By then, her daughter was half asleep. Her eyes sunk closed and her body relaxed.

“Go ahead,” she told her mother. “You put her to bed.”

Denise smiled at her. “Thanks,” she whispered, and picked up the baby.

Hannah snuggled close. Denise crossed the room and settled the little girl on her back in the crib. After starting the mobile, they dimmed the lights and stepped out of the room.

“I'm so lucky with her,” Dakota said, as she adjusted the volume on the baby monitor. “Hannah enjoys being with people. I've heard that some of the children from orphanages are cautious around anyone new. In this town, that would be a problem.”

They settled on the sofa. Her mother looked at her.

“You're doing well,” her mother told her. “I know you're terrified half the time, but it doesn't show. Soon you'll be terrified only a quarter of the time, which is something to look forward to.”

“Thanks,” Dakota said. “You're right. I am scared. It's getting a little better. Knowing that she's healing helps a lot. As does all the company. Ethan and Liz stopped by a couple of days ago and I'm getting lots of visits at work.” She smiled at her mother. “You're helping a lot, too.”

“I love having her here. Finally a grandchild who lives close to me. You'll have to tell me if I become one of those annoying, interfering grandparents. I'm not saying I'll change my behavior, but I will at least feel guilty about it.”

Dakota laughed. “As long as you feel guilty, then I guess it's okay.”

“So you're handling the stress? You're sleeping?” her mother asked.

“Better than I was.” Finn had stayed with her the first couple of nights. Just having him around had made everything better. But she'd realized that at some point she had to face motherhood on her own. She hadn't slept
at all the first night he'd been gone, but since then she'd been sleeping more and more.

“Sometimes I freak out for no reason,” she admitted. “Does that get better?”

“Yes and no,” her mother said. “You freak out less and then they become teenagers. That's when the real nightmare begins.” Denise smiled brightly. “But that's some time away. Enjoy Hannah while she's still young and rational.”

“We weren't that bad,” Dakota told her.

“You didn't have to be that bad. There were six of you.”

“I guess you have a point there.”

Her mother studied her. “At the risk of interfering, how are things going with Finn? I haven't seen him around. Or is he here when I'm not?”