Only Love (29 page)

“I’ll go find him. Where should I start looking?” I asked, already trying to get a game plan together in my head.

“I’m gonna text Caroline your number so she can tell you where he might be. If you want, Joan and I can take Rissa back to Adam’s apartment to wait in case he shows up. We have a key,” she explained. I looked down at Rissa sleeping and kissed her once before handing her over to Cindy. After getting her car seat from my car and securing it in theirs, I was headed toward the freeway with Caroline on the line. Worry overwhelmed me and I could hardly think straight. The idea of Adam slipping back, undoing all he’d worked so hard for….

“I talked to him earlier at work before he called,” Caroline explained. “He sounded so different. I should’ve done something then. I should’ve known this was gonna happen.”

My heart thudded in my chest as I merged onto I-94, following the directions Caroline had given. “It isn’t your fault. We just need to find him. You’re sure this is where he’d be?” I asked, referring to the bar she’d told me to try first—somewhere off Gratiot Avenue nearing the suburbs.

“This is our best bet. I called all his other hangouts and no one there fit his description according to the bartenders. This place was the only one that didn’t pick up,” she explained. “If he isn’t there, then… I have no idea where else to look.”

The thought of us not finding Adam before the night was over made my heart skip a beat. That simply wasn’t an option. The line went silent and my mind raced through the possibilities. I thought of some of the things I’d done that might’ve sent Adam over the edge. Cutting him off wasn’t fair, regardless of how necessary it seemed. And after talking to Javi’s mother that evening, it made me realize how important it was to let those whom you love know how you feel before you didn’t have that option anymore. I should’ve done that with Adam, embraced my feelings for him instead of pushing him away and letting guilt rule me. There was nothing wrong with me loving him, and us being together or
not
being together had nothing to do with Javi being gone, nor would it bring him back.

I wished I’d been able to see that before.

“I’m here. I’m looking for his car,” I said into the phone.

Caroline waited in silence for me to confirm whether Adam was at this location or not, and with a heavy sigh of relief, I laid eyes on his car. I’d found him. He was here.

“Thank God,” Caroline breathed into the receiver. “If you need me once you get in there, just call me. I’ll come right away,” she promised.

I thanked her and then hung up, wanting to hurry inside to find Adam to make sure he was okay. I barely had the key out of the ignition when I stepped out of my car. While I made my way to the door, I shot Cindy a quick text to let her know I’d made it and that Adam was here too. I tried to get eyes on him through the window from the sidewalk as I made my way closer. No sign of him, but I was sure he was here because his car was.

Bursting through the doors at the entrance, my eyes darted around. I needed to find Adam. Hopefully he hadn’t done what we all were thinking he might’ve—Caroline, Joan, Cindy and myself.

There he was, at the bar like I feared. My steps were hasty as I made my way over to him, sitting slouched over, forehead resting against his arms, a fresh beer sitting before him.

Oh no. Tell me he didn’t….

My light touch to Adam’s back brought his red-rimmed eyes to me as confusion filled his expression. He looked like it’d been days since he’d slept or shaved—like he was falling apart.

“Adam…”

I couldn’t even form words. I’d never seen him like this—so broken.
Was this because of me? Because of the space I requested?

When I tried to speak again, the words never came out. I watched as he slowly looked over at the bottle and his gaze was still on it when he admitted, “I didn’t touch it.”

My heart was released from the vise that squeezed it tight in my chest. As soon as the words left his mouth, I quickly handed the bottle back to the bartender and asked him to dispose of it.

“I
wanted
to drink it,” Adam went on. “… had every intention of ending four years’ worth of hard work tonight.” He lifted his eyes toward mine and my heart went out to him. I knew I didn’t have any right to touch him, not after I’d pushed him away, but I had to. I interlocked my fingers with his and was relieved when he actually let me. With his other hand, Adam pulled me in closer by my waist, resting his forehead against my chest while I stood there trying to figure out how he’d fallen so far so fast.

He let out a breath and I felt him grip the material of my shirt in his hands at the small of my back. His mother’s words rang in my head—her mentioning that he needed me more than I realized right now. Something was going on, and while, yes, it may have had something to do with me backing away, I had a feeling there was more than that going on.

On the way back to our apartment building, I called Cindy and Joan to let them know that I had Adam and that he was okay. When they offered to take Rissa to their home for the evening, I agreed, knowing that Adam would need all of my attention. There were already extra diapers and clothes in Rissa’s diaper bag, and her car seat was already in Cindy’s back seat, so they’d taken off when Adam and I pulled up. He’d ridden home with me and his moms agreed to get his car back here from the bar sometime tomorrow, whenever they brought Rissa back to me.

I stared at Adam on the opposite end of his couch. His posture was tense as he stared at the ground.

“Talk to me, Adam,” I said gently, touching his hand once when I encouraged him to open up.

He didn’t answer right away, but I didn’t honestly expect him to. In fact almost an entire minute had passed before he spoke.

“She’s eight now.” His voice sounded different—hoarse.

“Who’s eight?” I asked, still making sure to keep my voice even, but I’d be lying if I said his statement didn’t leave me confused.

Shaking his head, Adam sighed, clearly lost inside his own head. His only answer was, “Abigail.”

The name didn’t ring a bell, but I racked my brain, thinking I’d missed something. “Abigail?”

Another deep breath left his mouth. “That’s her name. My
daughter
.”

It felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me. I stared at him, trying to make sense of his admission. Daughter?
What
daughter? When I cocked my head to the side, Adam glanced at me for a second and then looked away.

“I couldn’t tell you about her before. I swear I wanted to, Aubrey, but I couldn’t. I just… I couldn’t bring myself to talk about her,” he confessed. “Not after what I did.”

After what he did?
I proceeded with caution. “What happened, Adam? You can tell me.”

He just shook his head again.

I scooted closer to him on the couch and took his hand in one of mine, while placing my other on the side of his face, lightly running my fingers over his unshaven chin. “You can tell me,” I repeated.

His eyes watered when they met mine, the brilliant blue at their centers, contrasting the whites, which were now red and bloodshot. I couldn’t take seeing him like this—so hurt, shattered.

“It was my fault what happened to her.”

I had no idea what that meant, but the next thing I knew, tears were streaming from both Adam’s eyes and mine too at the sight of them. I pulled him close and locked my arms around his neck, feeling his heart racing inside his chest. He clutched my back as if his life depended on it. My eyes slammed shut as his emotions, his sadness, transferred to me. “Tell me what happened,” I urged again gently, not releasing him from my embrace.

A few seconds passed and then he finally spoke. “There was an accident. That day had been hell, but that was no excuse—no excuse for me not keeping a better eye on her.”

I ran my hand down the back of his head, letting it rest at the nape of his neck. When he went on, I visualized the scenario that he broke down.

“About four years ago… I had a family, Aubrey. Not just Abby, but a wife too.” He paused. “And I feel like I lost it all in that one day.”

He eased away and wiped at his eyes like he was ashamed for breaking down. When I reached to the table beside me and handed him a few tissues, he accepted them and went on after taking another breath. “I got off work about an hour early that day, thinking it’d be just like any other, but it wasn’t. Not at all,” he added, zoning out for a moment. “I stopped and picked up Abby from school. She was so excited. She had a dance recital that night and that’s all she’d been talking about for weeks.”

 A hint of a sad smile touched his mouth after he said that, but it faded away before he spoke again. “As soon as we got in, she ran upstairs to her room to try on her costumes for the umpteenth time. I stopped in the kitchen, thumbed through the mail, got a glass of water, the same stuff I always did.” He shook his head at a memory. “I took a seat in the living room waiting for Abby’s fashion show to begin, and maybe, I don’t know, two, three minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I didn’t think anything of it.”

There was a long pause and I continued to hold Adam’s hand while he organized his thoughts and words.

“It was my neighbor from across the street, Joe. He’d… he’d come by to tell me that, shortly after I’d been leaving for work, there was another guy—another guy coming to my house, and staying for the couple hours before my wife had to leave for work herself.”

I put my hand to my mouth. “Oh my god, Adam.”

He nodded slowly. “This wasn’t even new news to me, though. I was just naïve enough to think Lia had stopped.
Stupid
enough to think she’d stopped messing around behind my back.” He balled the tissue up in his fist. “Joe described the guy, turned out it was the same one from before. Her boss. Being impulsive, I didn’t wait to confront Lia when she got home. I called her at work and told her that I knew what she’d been doing.”

I looked at the pain in his expression, fresh as if this’d just happened yesterday.

“She didn’t even deny it,” he said, releasing a cynical laugh as well. “She didn’t even try to hide it, just started telling me all the things I’d done wrong that made her go to him.”

Hearing Adam speak, I recalled something from the first time we were intimate. He’d made it clear he wouldn’t have me if I was still going to be with Javi. He said he couldn’t do that. Now I understood why loyalty and fidelity were so big to him. He’d been the victim of cheating.

“The argument got ugly, I found a bottle or six in the fridge, and… and I did the wrong thing. I did the wrong thing with my baby girl right upstairs getting ready for her recital.”

His head lowered and I watched him struggle with the last part.

“Hours had passed with my four year-old daughter in the house practically alone while I hit the bottle to numb the pain.” He swallowed hard. “Abby tried to get me up after I passed out, but I wouldn’t budge. She eventually gave up and attempted to get to the dance studio on her own. She knew the way. We often walked there. She got on her bike and left, but only made it a few blocks before someone hit her crossing the street.”

My heart leapt to my throat. Instantly, I thought of how protective I was over Rissa and Gabby. To think of something like that happening to them…

I pulled him into my arms again when his tears returned.

“She’s going to be in that wheelchair every day of her life because of me, Aubrey—because of me. I ruined my little girl’s life and I will never forgive myself for that.”

My eyes slammed shut as the last of the story was in place. Now I understood.

She was quiet, quiet for too long, silent for too long, but I couldn’t look up at her. I couldn’t confirm she was still there with me.

I couldn’t because I was afraid.

After what I’d just said, what if I lost her too? Before, Aubrey wanted distance, but now, she might want to make that permanent. I didn’t mean to put it all out there, unload all this on her unexpectedly, but like so many things tonight, I had lost the control I’d spent years building. After what I let happen to my daughter, I swore to myself I wouldn’t bow down to alcohol. I trained myself,
taught
myself to rise against it. But after only quick moments, I almost lost it again. I almost had. I let myself succumb to the very guilt that stimulated the reason for my decision to get clean, and not only that, but I let
her
see. Aubrey. I let Aubrey see everything.