One Plus Two Minus One (12 page)

But not to actually fuck him.

She didn’t understand herself sometimes.

She wondered
if Ethan was just something she could get out her system, then move
on with her life, be happy.
With less
sex.

She
and
Robert were different. He was
political, in a way she wasn’t. He cared about things she thought
were pointless, a bit silly. She always had, and she usually didn’t
tell him. He wasn’t doing as well in his career as her, and was
sometimes a little bitter, at the world rather than her, a little
frustrated in a way that came out as insecure, but she loved him
all the same. Even though sometimes it felt like he was the chick
in the relationship, talking about feelings and talking problems
out, when sometimes she’d rather just ignore them, let it go. In an
awful way he wasn’t strong enough for her. He didn’t push back, he
didn’t stand up to her. Part of why they’d ended up like this, she
thought, was because of that. He didn’t call her on her shit and
tell her to just stop.

She thought
about
Robert and strength and about Ethan
and sex. She thought about Ethan holding her wrists, and why she
was okay with that. She thought about men and sex and what sex was
to her.

She was
smart.
In a very small way, she was
important. She was almost a brilliant mathematician. But at the end
of the day any guy she slept with was going to end up on top, in
charge, sticking his dick into her while she lay there and got
fucked. The fact she got fucked was really important too. At some
point it stopped being fucking, stopped being both of them doing it
together, and became her getting fucked. It always did. It
shouldn’t matter to her. Everyone else had sex the same way and
seemed to like it, but somehow it mattered to Beth. Like in a
strange way it cheapened her.

Ethan was
different because he was a student.
And
because he was so into her, but mostly because he was a student. It
was a power thing, the worst, most grubby kind of power thing.
Ethan was younger, and more desperate, and under her control, and
she had to admit that to herself if she was being truthful. He was
someone she could tell what to do, and that meant she could have
her wrists held, and could get fucked doggy, and be just like
everyone else out there. She could kneel down and suck his cock and
not care in the slightest, because no matter what she did, she was
really in charge. And with Robert, and anyone else her own age, she
wasn’t. And being in charge, underneath it all, meant she could
relax and not think so much and just fuck.

She wondered
if she was really that controlling.
It
didn’t seem a nice thing to think about herself. That maybe she
could only really enjoy sex if she was with someone she could
bully. Or maybe that was bullshit and she bullied Robert too,
because he didn’t stand up to her, so nothing she was thinking made
any sense.

It was an odd
idea, made odder because she only started working it all out while
she was on the phone with
Robert.

After a while
he said he had some work to do, and she said goodbye and went and
had a bath.
She lay in the hot water and
thought about a proof she’d been trying to untangle for a few weeks
and made a little progress.

So maybe Ethan would be good for her after
all.

Beth went to her lecture, the lecture Ethan would be in,
and made herself not look for him.
She
wondered what she was doing. Where this could end up, and what he
might do if it went wrong. Ethan had behaved, though. He’d stayed
out of her line of sight, and she was pleased. She’d been serious,
she didn’t want to see him while she was lecturing, and it was also
reassuring to know he’d do as she asked. She started a minute
early, impatient to think about something that wasn’t Ethan and
sex, talked about symmetric groups for an hour, and didn’t look
sideways once, didn’t look into the corners of the room where she
thought Ethan must be, didn’t see him and didn’t blush.

She packed up
and left quickly, at the end, before any of them could ask
questions.
Said, “Sorry, office hours,”
to one who tried.

She went back
home for lunch and told herself she’d work there.
Actually she sat at the table and looked at the
wall and wondered if she should just wank and get it over with. She
tried to tell herself she hadn’t really decided whether she wanted
Ethan again or not, that he was just going to bring her car keys
back, but she knew it wasn’t true.

She was going to fuck him as soon as he got
anywhere near her, and she was pretty sure he knew that too.

The doorbell
rang just after one.
She sat there for a
moment, took a breath, trying to make sure she knew what she was
doing. It was a waste of time, stupid to even try. She knew she was
going to open the door, and have sex, and worry about the
consequences later.

She went and answered the door.

It was Ethan.

“Hey,” she said, and he stepped forward and
kissed her.

She pulled
him inside and kissed him back. He tugged at her clothes, said,
“Fuck I want you,” into her mouth.
He got
her shirt off over her head and started yanking at her jeans,
trying to get them open. They were tight, fitted, and needed
unpeeling.

“
Sorry,” she
said.
“Shit, I wasn’t
thinking.”

She hopped
backwards and yanked them down, got herself out of them in the
end.
He turned her around and pushed her
against the wall with her wrists behind her back. Again. He must
really think she liked it.

She wasn’t completely sure she didn’t.

He held her there and fingered her and kissed
her neck, and was tugging at his own pants sometimes while he did,
running out of hands, she thought, trying to get himself out.

“Let me go,” she said, and he let go of her
wrists.

“Come upstairs,” she said.

“Here,” he said against her neck.

“
Condoms
upstairs,” she said.
“I need to fuck
you.”

He
stopped.
“You need to?”

She nodded, turned around.

“Need?”

“Yeah,” she said, into his mouth, “But don’t
be a fucking asshole.”

He took a couple out his jeans, showed her.
“Someone’s thinking,” he said.

“
I’m
thinking,” she said.
“I’m just thinking
upstairs, in the bed.” She licked his chin.

“Nope,” he said, and tore one condom open,
dropped the other, fiddled around with his cock.

“We can lie down on the bed,” she said
against his ear.

“Nope,” he said, and rolled the condom down
himself, and picked her up.

Just picked her up like it was no effort at
all.

She wrapped
her legs around his without thinking, and grabbed at him, and
something about it made him go right inside her. She couldn’t quite
believe it was that easy.
She was spread
and wide and he was deep inside her. Every time she moved he went
deeper. She didn’t care how he’d got there, him inside her made
everything else not matter.

“
Shit,” she
said.
“Oh shit.”

He looked
worried.
“Are you okay?”

“
I’m
okay.
I’m just…. fuck.”

He grinned at her.

“
I can’t
move,” she said.
“Not much. Can you fuck
me like this?”

He
did.
Hard enough her head and ass banged
on the wall. She’d forgotten what like to be with someone who could
just pick her up. She thought about it and realized she’d never
been with someone who could just pick her up. At least no-one who
had. He held her up, didn’t seem bothered by her weight, leaned her
shoulders back against the wall. He had his hands up under her ass,
so he could bounce her up and down on his cock, but she was mostly
helpless. She could wriggle up and down, but not very much. She
wrapped her arms and legs around him and leaned back on the wall
and held on as best she could.

He was hard and she was wet and he just held
her there and fucked her.

He came but
still held her up.
She watched,
impressed. “I haven’t,” she whispered, “Keep going.”

He
did.
Just did, didn’t argue, didn’t try
and put her down. He went a bit soft, but she ground against him
and got herself there.

He watched
until she was done, then put her down.
Lowered her carefully, until her feet reached the floor,
then let go like he wanted to wince.

She pulled the condom off him and went and
threw it in the kitchen bin, then brought two glasses of water
back.

“I’m impressed,” she said.

He took the
glass and drank, and grinned past it.
“I
really fucking like you,” he said.

“
And I like
being picked up and banged against a wall.
Apparently.”

He looked smug.

“
I haven’t
done that before,” she said.
“Been picked
up. Ever.”

“Really?”

“
Nope.
Told you, not nearly as kinky as
you.”

He grinned.

She looked at
him and thought about kinky and how he had his own weird
shit.
“Was that because we had a
lecture?”

“Probably.”

“
You like it
that much?
That I’m a
professor?”

“Yeah.”

She kissed
him.
“Okay. Just so I know.”

“Say fuck.”

She looked at
him
“Fuck me.”

“Say shit.”

“Shit I love to fuck you.”

“Say goddamn fucking cunt fuck.”

“Why?”

“
It’s really,
really hot to watch you talk about group theory for an hour then
come here and see the real you.
Foul
mouth and orgasms and all.”

“Well, fuck you,” she said, and grinned.

“
I have to
go,” he said.
“Another lecture.
Sorry.”

She looked at
him, a bit surprised.
“I don’t care.
Go.”

He pulled up his jeans, hadn’t actually got
undressed at any point. “You’ve got my number, right?”

“No.”

“From my records?”

“
Creepy,” she
said.
“Really creepy.” She went over to
the table and got her phone. “What is it?”

He told her and she put it in, then showed
him to check it was right.

“What’s yours?” he said.

“What name are you going to put it
under?”

“Doctor hot maths professor?”

She waited.

“Beth?”

“Put Liz.”

“You’re Elizabeth on all the college
stuff.”

“And I walk into lectures and say I’m Beth,
your professor, so just fucking do it my way, please.”

He grinned,
nodded, did as she asked.
Showed her he
had afterwards.

“
And I don’t
really do talking on the phone,” she said.
“Not with people I don’t know well. So don’t get offended
if I don’t.”

“You don’t know me well?”

She decided
he was joking.
“Not yet,” she said. “I
know your cock, but I don’t know you.”

He looked at her like he couldn’t decide
whether he wanted to fuck her again.

“
I need to do
some work,” she said, but she didn’t really mean it.
If he’d tried, she’d have had more
sex.

He didn’t
though, just nodded.
“I’ll text. Hi, want
to fuck, a time. Nothing else.”

“
Yep,” she
said.
“Great.”

She still
didn’t have anything on, so she stood behind the door and opened
it.
“Um,” she said. “Want to
tomorrow?”

He grinned
and nodded, kissed her, left, then came straight back.
“Almost forgot,” he said, and held out her
keys.

She took them, kissed him again, leaned out a
little far from behind the door, and watched him go.

Apparently she wanted a lot of sex at the
moment.

*

Beth worked
for a couple of hours, but couldn’t concentrate.
She kept looking over at the hall, and thinking about
Ethan, and smelling her hand almost certain she could still get a
hint of him on her skin.

In the end she decided she needed a walk, so
she went back to campus, found Amanda and dragged her away from the
lab.

They went towards one of the cafes, but Beth
only waited long enough they were outside, on a path, and away from
other people.

“
The guy I’m
fucking,” she said.
“I’m still fucking
him.”

“Yay.”

“It’s good.”

“I’d hope.”

“I don’t want to stop.”

“So don’t.”

Beth looked
at her.
“Can I? Just keep doing
it?”

“Why not?”

“It seems wrong.”

“You’re just messing your own head up.”

“Am I?”

Amanda nodded.

“He’s my student.”

“
So don’t
give him any special treatment.
Then who
cares?”