One of the Guys (12 page)

Apart from trying to make up for
the morning, I had no idea why he stood so close. That wasn’t
normal for him.

When he’d irritated me in the
past, he would be extra nice, sure, but today he was different. It
wasn’t fair. If it were anybody else I would’ve thought they were
trying it on with me, but I knew Logan wasn’t. He
had
to know what he did
to me when he did that, and not liking me that way… well it was
just cruel.

I quickly moved away and opened the
fridge, as if I weren't even bothered about his nearness, and I got
out a couple of drinks for us. I put his in front of him, and
walked around the other side of the counter from where he was
standing.

“
Chase, are you ok?” He asked
softly. “Are you still mad at me?”

I looked up into his worried face
and my stomach flipped over.

I want you to love me back!
I shouted at him in my head.

“
No. I’m just worried about Bren.
She could’ve made herself sick.”

I wasn’t lying. I really
was
worried about
her.

“
Oh. I’m sure she’ll be fine. You
tested her yourself.”

“
Yeah.” I nodded. “I suppose
so.”

“
Anyway, we have studying to do for
our finals.” He said.

I’d completely forgotten about
studying.

Our school did them near the end of
the junior year and the spring of senior year.

“
I’ll just go get my books.” Logan
went back out to get his books from his car.

I started to panic.

We usually study in my room. The
way I was feeling, and Logan’s recent attention to me, I was
feeling somewhat anxious about being alone with him in my
room.

Be cool, Chase. Act like it’s
nothing. He’ll know something’s up if you change now.

“
Got ‘em.” He said, coming through
the door.

He gestured for me to walk in
front of him, so I carefully climbed the stairs,
very
aware of Logan
behind me.

Logan kicked off his shoes and
flopped down on my bed with his bag and, once again, covered his
lap with my pillow.

I sat near the end, away from him,
and dug my math books out of my bag.

“
Shit, I can’t find my pen.” Logan
said as he rooted through his bag. “Do you have a
spare?”

I dug out a pen and tossed it to
him.

I watched as he took the pen to
his mouth, keeping his eyes on me, as he pulled the cap off with
his teeth.
Exactly
the same way he had when he’d first talked to me.

He smiled, the lid still between
his teeth, before turning the pen around and pushing the end into
the cap.

I wanted to jump him so bad it
hurt!

Yes, that’s how I wanted Logan. I
wanted
all
of
him.

I wanted his kisses, his touches,
and I wanted his body like a lover does.

Being ‘just friends’ with him was
killing me, and with him seeing me as one of the guys only hurt
even more.

I tried to tell myself that
getting Logan however I could, would be enough, but it wasn’t, and
with today’s events it never would be. I had no idea if he
felt
anything
for
me. I didn’t know what to do, and I was beyond terrified of him
finding out.

I would lose him.

“
So, we’re up to point
eight.”

Logan’s voice broke through my
inner self pity party, and I realized he was flicking through his
textbook.

“
Yeah, we were.” I opened my own
book and turned to a fresh sheet of paper in my notepad.

I was taken by surprise when Logan
suddenly shifted onto his stomach, bringing himself closer to me;
his head nearer to my knee as I was sitting cross-legged. If I
straightened my arm, I could reach out and touch his
face.

He put his notepad next to mine and
waited for me to start.

This was how our math studies went,
minus Logan’s position.

I would read out the question, or
problem, and Logan would solve it. I’d help him work out the ones
he had trouble with.

I watched his features as he worked
out the problems, and I really wanted to touch him.

Time was going by quickly and
before I knew it, we’d been studying for over an hour and a
half.

I suggested we take a break and
Logan was about to say something when my Mom walked in, asking
whether he wanted to stay for dinner.

She didn’t even knock. We could’ve
been doing anything!

I wish.

Logan sent his Mom a text, and we
went downstairs for dinner.

A half hour of awkward conversation
about school and our studies but, luckily, no dating questions came
up.

After dinner, Logan and I went back
to my room to watch a movie. We chose Guardians Of The
Galaxy.

It was hilarious.

Logan sat right next to me, and I
could smell him every time I took a breath, making me nervous and
on edge. Even without lifting, I knew my hands would be shaking.
When it was over; I’d never been so relieved to finish a movie in
my life!

“
I better get going.” Logan said,
putting his shoes back on.

I walked him to the front door and
before he walked out, he turned back.

“
I’m really sorry about this
morning, Chase.” He said, quietly.

Probably so my Dad wouldn’t hear
and tear him a new one for upsetting me.

“
I know, it’s ok.” I said, even
though I still wasn’t ok.

I wasn’t expecting it when Logan
put his arms around me.

He pulled me close to him for a
hug.

A full hug. Not a ‘bro’
hug.

No. This was a proper
hold-you-so-close-you-can’t-breathe hug.

I let my arms circle his waist and
held him too. The hardness of his body pressed to mine, and I
didn’t even care that my boobs were squashed up against
him.

All too soon, he let me go and I
felt the loss of his warmth immediately.

“
I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said
with a smile; his eyes dark and his pupils dilated.

The hallway
was
a little dark, I guess. I had
absolutely no thought that it was because he was attracted to me. I
would’ve known
that
.

I watched Logan wave before driving
away, then I ran to my room, stripped off and jumped into the
shower, turning down the temperature. I was hot all
over.

Hot because of Logan.

Because of his eyes, his smile, his
hard body, but mostly because I loved him so damn much.

*****

The next day,
everything was back to normal. Logan was his usual self. No
extra-niceness or closeness.

Lex, Pike and Stu acted like
nothing had happened. Even Carl looked as bored as ever when I met
them for lunch.

It was as if the previous day had
never happened other than the bruise on Carl’s lip. In my Logan
filled day, I’d forgotten to ask about it. I wondered if I’d dreamt
the whole thing.

As the days passed, and I was once
again the little wallflower, I noticed a couple of
things:

One: Logan would shuffle more in
his seat.

Two: Every few minutes he took a
deep breath like he was controlling himself; he insisted he was
fine.

Three: Whenever he would pick me
up, especially in the mornings, he looked a little embarrassed; his
cheeks turning pink.

I pretended not to notice. I didn’t
want to call him on it that wouldn’t have been fair. However, I was
becoming paranoid that maybe he’d been with a girl and he was
worried that I’d find out.

I thought that was ridiculous,
though. As ‘just friends’ why would he hide that from me? Unless it
was what I suspected; he knew I had feelings for him and he was
just sparing me. But… when would he have had the spare
time?

My thoughts had gotten so messed
up, I didn’t know
what
to think anymore.

Yes, Logan is my best friend. Yes,
I’m in love with him. Yes, my body reacts to him like he’s a
charged magnet pulling me in. I wanted…dreamed…of him holding me
and kissing me until I couldn’t breathe. I wanted him to love me
and to be my first, my only. But, would it hurt me if he found
someone else?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

It was almost the end of junior
year, we’d just finished our finals and we would both be eighteen
before the start of senior year. There was
no way
he wouldn’t want to hook up
with girls.

It was thoughts like these that
made Matt’s comments float around in my head.

Cock-block

You’re in the way of him getting
laid.

He could be fucking some girl,
right now, if you weren’t here.

You’re a fucking hindrance to my
brother, and the sooner you realize that, the better.

Then there were Carl’s
comments.

Tagalong

Great. There goes our fun-time out
the window.

Why does
Chase
have to come?

I
didn’t
get beat by a
girl
.

I tried my best to keep my feelings
hidden, almost making myself sick in the process, but I always had
a smile for Logan. He didn’t suspect that I was holding back, and
suppressing everything I felt for him. That wasn’t a healthy thing
to do for a hormonal teenage girl. The only person that seemed to
notice was Bren.

“
Honey, I know there’s something
wrong.” She said when I was testing her blood sugar levels. Logan
was out of earshot, putting the groceries away.

“
I’m ok, Bren.” I lied.

“
No, you’re not.” She put her hand
on mine. “Everything will work out sweetie. I promise.” She said,
smiling at me.

Somehow, hearing her say that made
me feel a little better and the look in her eyes as she did, made
me want to believe her.

“
What will work out?” Logan asked
when we left. He’d caught the end of our conversation.

“
Um… Finals results.” I replied
instantly.

“
Is that what’s been bothering
you?”

Well, crap. He
did
notice. He hadn’t said
anything.

“
Yeah.”

“
Chase, it’s going to be fine. God,
I thought you were mad at me for something, but I’m glad it’s just
that.” He let out a relieved breath.

“
What? Why would I be mad at you?”
I asked.

Please don’t say it’s because
you’re seeing someone!
I thought to
myself. Even though Matt and Carl would’ve gladly rubbed that in my
face. Plus, he would’ve had to meet up with whoever late at
night.

“
I don’t know, exactly. I just feel
like I’ve done something wrong.”

The only thing that was wrong was
that I was finding it harder and harder to deal with my feelings
for him, and after the way he hugged me… I was constantly on
edge.

“
If you thought that, why didn’t
you say something sooner? I could’ve told you that you hadn’t.” I
was a little annoyed that he’d left it for over two weeks to say
anything and only because he’d heard what Bren had said.

“
I…um…I didn’t want to upset you.”
He said, softly.

His eyes widened slightly as if
thinking what he said was wrong.

I was about to tell him he hadn’t
done anything when he spoke first.

“
Anyway, we all usually just come
out with it if someone has pissed us off.”

“
We?” I asked, but I knew whom he
meant.

“
Yeah. Us…our group. If one of the
guys is pissed, he just says so.”

‘
One of the
guys’.
Straight from Logan’s mouth,
it felt like a red hot poker to the chest.

I felt a sting in my nose as tears
threatened. I willed them away as hard as I could, and my heart
hardened a little more.

“
We have our end of school year
game this Friday.” Logan reminded me after clearing his
throat.

“
I know. You also have the game a
few days after the homecoming football game, a week after we go
back to school.”

“
Good memory.” He said,
quietly.

I told Logan I had a headache and
was going to rest. He said
ok
, gave me an awkward smile and
drove home. Somehow I knew that the bad feeling I’d been having…
this was it. It was happening.