One Hundred Proposals (33 page)

‘Harry, it’s beautiful. What’s it for?’

‘It’s a clue for what tonight will hold. And because I love seeing you smile.’

I smiled as I leaned into him. Whatever he had in mind for tonight, it was going to be ok, I knew it.

*

The dolphin feeding, so Harry had told me, was one of the main attractions in Tangalooma. A wild bottlenose dolphin pod visited the shores every evening to be hand fed by the tourists.

There was a storm on its way in and the air had got a lot cooler. The waves were getting slightly choppy and we had been told that the dolphins might not stay for long.

I put the jam jar that Harry had just given me down on the sand – this one was filled with a cuddly dolphin – and walked into the shallows with Harry. The night sky had long since arrived but we could see clearly thanks to the lights that lined the edge of the pier and reflected off the water.

My heart was thudding with what tonight may hold, but all thoughts of that almost vanished when the dolphins arrived. The marine biologists in the water with us easily recognised which dolphins had visited that night and as they drew closer they introduced them to us as Echo, Silhouette, Rani, Zephyr and Bella.

I was so excited. It was the weirdest feeling of wanting to do this all over again and I hadn’t even done it yet.

We watched as the dolphins swam around us – some of them, we were told, were hunting food for themselves as the fish we provided only gave them a small percentage of their daily diet. Their sleek bodies cut through the water like flashes of silver. Some were rolling on their backs, or poking their heads out of the water. As a few got closer, some of them started blowing air from their holes – spraying water over us.

We were told to hold the fish in the water and let the dolphins take them. As a fish was gently pulled from my hand by Silhouette I glanced across at Harry who was grinning inanely at the wonder of it. It truly was one of the most exhilarating and moving experiences of my life.

But all too soon the fish were gone and the dolphins started to drift away. I watched them until I could no longer see them. It was really getting dark now and the wind was getting up. I became aware that Harry was no longer with me.

I glanced around and then turned to look back at the beach. Harry was waiting for me and I sensed this was only the beginning. He offered me his hand and I sploshed through the water to reach him.

Without a word he pulled me down the beach, away from the lights and the pier until it was just us, standing under the trees in the dark. This is what I wanted, just us, no grand gestures, just simple words. Just three little words.

‘We have to wait here a minute, they’re not quite ready,’ he said, and for the first time I realised he was wearing a hands-free earpiece.

I quelled the tiny stab of disappointment that it wasn’t going to just be us after all. But after, there would be time for us to be alone. And we would talk. I was damned sure about that.

‘I have to blindfold you,’ he said, looking into my eyes to see if I was ok with that. I nodded. He pulled a scarf from his pocket and wrapped it round my head, plunging me into darkness.

I felt his hands on my arms, his warm breath on my face, and desire erupted through me.

‘Are you cold?’ he asked quietly, as he ran his hands over my goose bumps.

‘Not one bit.’

His hands stilled on my arms as he understood my meaning, and then I felt them move to my waist as he pulled me in gently towards him. Was he going to kiss me as he did the night before? My heart was thundering against my chest. He held me against him but nothing else happened. The tension was almost unbearable. I leaned in further, leaned up ever so slightly and felt his lips faintly brush against mine, so soft it was barely a whisper.

‘They’re ready, come on.’ Harry took me by the hand and guided me gently down the beach. We walked for a few minutes and I could hear whispers of people, then Harry stopped me and removed the blindfold from my eyes.

Hundreds of people stood in front of me lining the beach, all of them holding a jam jar with a candle in. Flowers formed a path between them and beyond up onto the hillside. We followed the path of flowers, walking between them, and they all smiled and nodded at me as we passed, but none of them said a word. I noticed the candles in the jars were fake, little battery operated tea lights and a feeling of immense sadness resonated in me. None of this was real. We walked through the crowd and up the hill – I looked back and realised they were in some kind of shape, though I couldn’t see from this angle what shape they were in. We continued walking until we reached the peak of the small hill, Harry holding my hand the whole time.

I watched Harry carefully as we stopped. Then looked back at the people on the beach below. The candlelit message was vividly scrawled across the sand. ‘I Love You, Marry Me.’

I gasped as I whirled round to face Harry again. He was already down on one knee. But bizarrely he was wearing a head mic, making it look like he was a pop star about to launch into a song. Surely he wasn’t going to sing to me.

‘It’s show time,’ he muttered, then he switched the mic on and somewhere down on the beach I heard speakers squeak into life.

‘Suzie McKenzie,’ Harry said, and I heard his voice echo across the beach for all to hear. ‘I love you.’

The crowd cheered.

My heart was in my throat. The words I finally wanted to hear. But unease settled in my gut and refused to go away.

‘I’ve always loved you – from the first moment we met, I knew I was in trouble. I remember you standing there in your stained dressing gown and hippo slippers and I fell head over heels in love with you then. I love your laugh, your beautiful smile – and when you turn that smile on me it’s one of the best feelings in the world, like you’re smiling just for me. I love your freckles on your nose, I love the way the wind blows your hair, I love your smell, I love your little bouncy walk, the way you wrinkle your nose when you think. I love how you close your eyes when you eat. I love lying next to you in bed, holding you in my arms.’ The crowd whooped at this and I heard a few wolf whistles. He really was putting on a show. ‘I love the person I’ve become because of you. I love you.’ The crowd collectively ‘ahhhhed’ as if we were in a pantomime. ‘Every day I’m with you makes me so happy, but you would make me the happiest man alive if you would do me the honour of being my wife. Marry me?’

My head was buzzing and the people on the beach cheered again. Harry laughed at their response. I looked at him and he was grinning up at me, his eyes filled with mischief and humour. This was all for show, every single word. It was as fake as the candles on the beach. Disappointment flooded through me in great waves.

‘Well?’ He grinned up at me.

My carefully reined in emotions snapped. I held my hand out for the mic and he passed it to me. I yanked the cable out from the headset and the speakers squeaked before going silent.

‘What is it you want from me, Harry? You’re putting on a show for them. None of this is real. One hundred empty, meaningless proposals.’ I watched his face fall at my venom, but I didn’t care. How could he hurt me like this when he knew how I felt about him? ‘I didn’t turn down greasy kebab boy because he proposed to me over a greasy kebab in a vandalised bus shelter, I turned him down because I didn’t love him, because he certainly didn’t love me. I know I shouldn’t be saying this considering the line of business we’re in, but there’s really only one thing that gets women excited about proposals. It isn’t the ring, the location, the fireworks or flowers, it isn’t even the words the men find to ask the big question. It’s the man they love wanting to spend the rest of their life with them. Because after the proposal comes marriage, the happy ever after. And
that
is what’s been missing from every single one of your proposals. You could have asked me to marry you on the back seat of the number thirty-seven bus on a rainy day sharing a bag of chips and I would have said yes.’ I dashed angry tears from my eyes and Harry’s face went all blurry. ‘I didn’t kiss you last night because I was drunk and horny. I kissed you because I love you, because I’ve always loved you. Every single one of your proposals was perfect because it was you doing the asking. Perfect apart from one tiny detail. The man I love, the man asking me to marry him, doesn’t actually love me.’

I turned and walked away. When he called after me, the walk turned into a run.

*

I stood on the beach as the rain lashed around me. I was soaked to the skin, my hair clinging to my head, but it was a warm rain so I didn’t really mind. Dark clouds rolled above me, lit up periodically by flashes of electric blue. Forks of lightning ripped apart the sky with foreboding cracks and rumbles of thunder. Wind roared across the sea, throwing white crested waves onto the sand.

I loved a good storm. I much preferred the beauty and power of a storm than a sunset or sunrise.

I couldn’t find it in me to be angry at Harry any more. He really hadn’t done anything wrong. He had never given me any false hope or promises. We had started this trip as friends and it was me that had moved the goal posts. He had made it clear all along, we were friends, best friends, nothing more. Yes he had kissed me but more likely I had kissed him first and being drunk he had simply kissed me back. I should expect no less from someone who attracted women like a jar of jam attracted bees. I couldn’t hate him for not returning my feelings. He had showed me the world and I could never be ungrateful for that.

It was going to be weird between us from now on. I didn’t know if we could get past this now.

Surprisingly, given the noise of the storm, I knew he was suddenly there behind me. I turned to look at him.

‘Hello,’ he said, stepping closer. He was wearing his big coat. I loved that coat, especially as he had given it to me to wear on countless chilly occasions. I doubted he would be chivalrously handing it over today, he hated the rain. Though I supposed that him coming to look for me in this weather rather than waiting in the warmth of our hotel room spoke for something.

‘You’re soaked.’

‘It’s raining.’ Wow, this was awkward.

To my surprise, he suddenly started unbuttoning his coat and then held it open like he was a flasher.

One step better than giving me the coat was sharing it with me. I hesitated for a moment, then stepped up against his warm body, leaning my head against his chest as he fastened the coat around my back.

I closed my eyes as I felt his heart beating against my ear. If we could do this, maybe we would be ok after all.

‘What are you doing out here?’

‘Watching the storm.’

‘Don’t your eyes have to be open for that?’

My eyes snapped open and I realised he was looking at me.

‘So we need to clear a few things up –’

‘No we don’t, we can just pretend that my little outburst back there never happened.’

‘I liked it, finally one of my proposals caused some kind of reaction. Though you shouting at me wasn’t really the reaction I was hoping for.’

‘What were you hoping for? I couldn’t let myself get excited about them – ’

‘I was hoping you would say yes.’

My heart leapt and Harry felt it because he was suddenly smiling down at me. He wrapped his arms round my back and pulled me tighter against him.

‘I realise I’ve gone about this arse about face. I should have told you I loved you before, that I’ve been in love with you since the first day I walked into your house. I should have told you every day. But I didn’t. You know why I didn’t. I couldn’t risk losing you like I’d lost and been rejected by everyone else I’ve ever loved.’

‘But…’ He really loved me? That was so not what I was expecting to hear. I looked around for the crowds but we were alone. ‘You couldn’t tell me in private, when we were up in the mountains and you were pouring out your heart, you couldn’t tell me then but you declare it here in front of everyone?’

‘Weirdly it seemed easier that way. They already knew, I’d told them in the secret blog how I felt for you.’

‘What was the secret blog?’

‘It was my declaration of love to you. I couldn’t tell you, I was so scared of losing you. But I wanted the followers of our blog to know what was really happening, how much I loved you, why I was doing all of this. I will show you every single comment I wrote on there and you’ll end up thinking I’m some weird stalker when you read how I like to stroke your hair, how I watch you sleep. I’m sorry that I told them first instead of you and I’m sorry that the first time you heard the words was in front of a crowd of people. I thought that’s what you wanted, the huge declaration. You said that back in New York, that the woman wants the all-consuming ‘shout-it-from-the-rooftops’ kind of love. I wanted to give you that.’

I had said that and he’d taken me literally. Maybe I would have appreciated the proposal more if I’d only heard the words before.

‘I meant every word I said back there. I do love you. I love the way you make me feel when I’m with you, safe, like I’ve finally found a place to call home.’

‘Oh Harry.’

Tears welled in my eyes and he brushed them away.

The lump in my throat was huge, my brain willing to understand whilst I desperately wanted to throw myself into his arms. I’d lived with the doubt and the uncertainty for so long I was finding it hard to accept the truth. He’d loved me all this time – but then what about the women he’d been with? How could he sleep with these women when he loved me?

‘But all those women…’

Harry looked away, clearly embarrassed. ‘I never wanted to fall in love with you, with anyone. I couldn’t let myself get hurt again, so it was just easier to pretend I didn’t feel that way about you and carry on as I’ve always carried on – moving on from one woman to the next, never staying long enough for either of us to form any attachments. But every day I spent with you, I fell further and further in love with you. I didn’t cancel my job in America because of Jack, but because I was in love with you and I couldn’t bear to leave you.’

I was the woman he fell in love with. All this time and I never knew. He never said, but I understood why. I’d never told him either, for fear of losing him, and he had so much more to lose than I did.