One Ghost Per Serving (34 page)

THE GUTBUCKET PUB

He Who Digs In skittered up the bartender, who barely noticed. The talon, contrary to common belief, was capable of a light touch. It was just that most of the time, he felt very emotional and liked to connect with people a little too viscerally and painfully. He jumped off onto the bar and skittered down part of its length before hearing his phone ring in the distance. He hopped onto a fat man in a thick denim jacket, who didn’t feel the talon dig into his arm or thigh before it jumped to the floor and scuttled to the phone.

“[Scratching noise]”

“It’s Eric, from the group. Can you be at the I-80 truck stop in an hour?”

“[One long scratch].”

“Uh, great. Hope to see you then.”

THE JAMESVILLE SPIRACLE QUARTET

He Who Squeaks sat in a chair like a long beanbag, squeaking through his abdominal spiracles in perfect tune with a group of four. He blushed red when his phone rang, and apologized in a wheezing half-squeak.

“[One squeak that started low and ended high, followed by a two-second long ‘pfthhht’].”

“It’s Eric Snackerge, from the support group. I need your skills.”

“[Two and a half short squeaks].”

“Be at the I-80 truck stop in an hour and wait for instructions.”

MASON’S AQUACULTURE RANCH

He Who Eats Mucous didn’t stop cleaning the mucous and algae off a bullfrog as he answered his phone.

“I’m busy!”

“Then why’d you answer?” Eric said.

“I’m expecting a call from an important out-of-town client, I’m right in the middle of removing the mucous from this bullfrog, and I’ve got nine customers waiting.”

“Would you mind leaving that glamorous job to help save the world?” Eric said.

“So I’m working for a bullfrog farmer, cleaning his bullfrogs. Maybe it’s not the most dignified job in the world, but I’m good at it, and I’m not possessing anyone!”

“I’ll see that you’re reimbursed for your lost wages if you’re at the I-80 truck stop in an hour and wait there for further instructions.”

“I don’t appreciate your sarcasm.” There was a pause. “Maybe Christmas Past can give me a ride?”

YE OLDE JAMESVILLE CHRISTMAS SHOPPE

Customers ran out the door, sobbing.

The Ghost of Christmas Past took his phone out of an inside pocket of his overly large coat.

“Yeeess,” he said in a ponderous tone.

“Your assistance is needed at the I-80 truck stop in an hour. Are you in?” Eric said.

“Yeeess.”

“Can you give a ride to He Who Eats Mucous?”

“Yeeess.”

“What was my favorite Christmas gift in 1987?”

“Laser Tag.”

“That’s so creepy, but I love it.”

5 ½ JUBILEE LANE

He Who Reclines, the man-sized orange ladybug, had his feet up on the recliner, a tiny hand on the remote, and a tiny hand in the bowl on his left. The phone was on the table with the lamp or he wouldn’t have bothered.

“Yello.”

“What are you doing?” Eric said.

“Is this a crank call?”

“It’s Eric, the human from group. One of the humans from group.”

“Look, I’m getting my House Hunters International on, and I’ve got a bowl of gorgonzola crackers. If you must know. Ain’t possessing anyone, if you’re checking up on me.”

“Can you meet us at I-80 truck stop in an hour? I need your help to save the world.”

He Who Reclines sighed.

“Please.”

“All right,
human
. But I want a pizza out of the deal.”

MRS. GILHOOLEY’S HOUSE

A police scanner blurted out a dispatch, interrupting the low volume of a talk show. The percolator bubbled. In the pantry, a phone rang.

“Yo,” said He Who is Delicious.

“What are you wearing?” Eric said.

“Brine. You?”

“Same. If you’re not busy, and if you’re interested in helping me out –”

“Sure.”

“ – could you meet me and some others from the group –”

“Yes.”

“ – in about an hour at the I-80 truck stop and wait for instructions?”

“I already said yes. Hey, will there be anyone I can possess? I’m itching to –”

“No. Call your sponsor.”

Eric couldn’t reach He Who Dances for Ladies. Maybe the others would think of it and have better luck.

Eric pulled some business cards from his wallet, all of which belonged to unhappy Nidus truckers.
Then while Nathan took a walk around the bus, Eric called the Nidus Director of Transportation and told him that DZ was keeping two Nidus reefer trucks at his residence. The director was incredulous, then confused, then combustive with anger by the end of the call.

Next, Eric called the Nidus Monolithics commissary, a high-tech food plant that manufactured and packaged various categories including dairy, refrigerated, and frozen foods. They also manufactured and packaged for Quantal Foods. Eric told the operations manager that Quantal had a particularly nasty foodborne pathogen in all of its Quantal Organic Yogurts. Then he called back the five members of the group.

“I know this is a support group for spirits who are trying to not possess people and accept that you’re good enough on your own,” Eric said, “but I need each of you to possess a truck driver before you get to your location. I can give you the GPS coordinates for each truck.”

After the excitement died down, Eric said, “I think you’re strong enough to de-possess the drivers when you get to the truck stop, so don’t disappoint me.”

Rex tapped on the keyboard of Eric’s laptop while Eric made one last call.

“Are you looking at the Nidus control center?” Eric asked Rex.

“I’m watching an adorable Japanese cat play with a box,” Rex said. “Look at these ears. They’re folded over.”

Eric glanced over. “Adorable. I need you to look at the Nidus online control center. The login and password are written on that piece of paper on the table.”

Rex turned the paper over. “‘Shot boy: Call me! Melanie, 432 – ‘“

“Never mind that.” Eric rolled his eyes. “Nidus fleet vehicles are outfitted with a small unit that’s tracked by GPS and sends the data to the online control center. Get the locations for the five closest fleet vehicles.”

Rex gave Eric a beseeching look. “Why do the other members of the group get to possess people
and
drive semis?”

Eric sent the GPS coordinates and routes of five trucks to the spirits from the support group, along with instructions on what to do once they intercepted the trucks. Nathan opened the door and pulled himself back in to the passenger seat.

“So we’re not going to Nidus.” Nathan smoothed his pants over his thighs.

“Not exactly. But Nidus is coming to us.”

“You’ve turned into a real tricky bastard, you know that?” Rex smiled at Eric. “I’m kinda proud of you.”