One (18 page)

He held my hand at
Grandma's funeral.

He held me in his arms
when I wept every day after.

He watched me.

"I love you,
Jules. I've loved you since the moment I saw you." His accent is
light, but it's there. "
Mi amore
, you are everything to
me. Let me take care of you. Let me show you how much you mean to
me," he pleads.

This moment is
important. I know it is.

"Braidon," I
begin slowly. "What those murderers did to my Grandma…" I
swallow. "I can't forgive them..." My voice is hollow as I
close my eyes. Even though it happened more than six months ago, I
still remember every detail as if it had happened yesterday. The gun
shot. His face. They'd left her body there without a care, as if she
was less than human. The blackness inside my heart stirs. Those
monsters
killed her and then left her to bleed out. My nose
twitches as I recall the smell of her blood. It was mingled with dirt
and something rotten. When I finally got Grandma's body down, the
police said parts of her body had been burnt, possibly with cigarette
butts and matches. My stomach clenches thinking about what Grandma
had suffered- all because she had stumbled into something she
shouldn't have.

"I'm just a shell
of a person," I say softly. "How can you want to be with
someone who has nothing inside?"

His hands grab mine. "I
can help you. My uncle knows the owner of that farm. In Mexico, my
family is wealthy, powerful. I can help you get revenge."

My hands flutter to
life.

"I need you with
me Jules. If you're with me, I can give you everything.
Te amo
.
I love you."

His eyes are wet and
glossy, feverish almost. They remind me of the skinny dog that used
to come around the neighborhood at night. The one that Grandma told
me to stop feeding otherwise he will never leave. The sick one.

My heart throbs faster.

"Say yes," he
whispers. "You won't regret it."

Everything is there in
his eyes. The love. The pledge.

The obsession.

Against every instinct
inside me, I move closer. Against every warning bell going off in my
head, I touch his soft cheek. I see the moment he knows my answer. I
see the moment he gives me every part of his heart.

I feel sick.

I press my lips to his.
I hate the feeling of his cold mouth over mine. I hate the happiness
and the hunger he radiates. I hate it all, but I won't stop.

I need to know what
happened.

The past week has been
a blur.

Time passes fast when
you're happy. At least that's what Nat tells me. For once, I think
she's actually right. At his request, I gave Pax my school and work
schedule. True to his word, he manages to walk me to my first class
every morning. He runs earlier than his team so he can walk me, and
then returns to do weights before heading to his own classes. Tonight
Pax wants to take me to work so he can pick me up after for a night
out of town. He's also invited Nat. She's become less star struck due
to the fact that Pax comes into our dorm every morning to get me and
sees her in all her morning "mess"- which includes loud
snoring, wet drool, and bed hair she claims is proof she's secretly
related to Cousin It.

The truth is I'm happy
Pax invited Nat. I'm finally more comfortable around him even though
sometimes he's so handsome my heart feels like it's going to rip out
of my chest. I like being around him. I wake up happy, knowing he's
the first face I'm going to see. It's a difficult feeling, one I'd
tried so hard to keep at bay all week. I don't want to get close to
Pax. I don't want to care. I don't want him to get involved with me
because becoming part of my life means becoming a part of my past.
The past should stay behind. It has no place ahead.

But secrets can't stay
buried. Didn't I learn that the hard way?

I feel bile in my
throat and abruptly I want to vomit.

"A foam party,
Jules!" Nat's voice intrudes my thoughts. I glance behind me.
She's spins in a circle before landing ungracefully in front of me.
"I've been to a couple in New York and it was a blast," she
gushes. "Don't wear any heels though. That foam will be slippery
as ice."

I nod my head.
Considering I don't own any heels, I'm sure I'll be fine. "I'll
probably wear my sandals," I say out loud.

"That's a good
idea. This is the one and
only
time I'll be okay with us going
to the club in sandals. I can't catch a man flat on my face."

I get busy putting my
hair in a ponytail. "What about that guy you were telling me
about the other day? George or Greg or something?"

"Grayson?"
She automatically hands me her eyeliner. She's used to the routine.

I flash her a smile.
"Yeah, him. You said he was such a gentleman. What happened with
you two?"

"Turns out he
kisses like a slob when he's drunk."

I walk to her vanity
mirror and trace my upper eyelids. "So? Then just don't get him
drunk."

"Well, he doesn't
believe in sobriety. Thinks it's a cultural social construct created
by the government so we can ship all our booze to China to pay off
our trillion dollar debt."

"Wow." That's
all I can say.

"Ditto. And that's
why we're not together."

"What about that
guy in your calc class?" I try again. "The one with the
eyelid piercing?" I take out her concealer powder and brush.

"Turns out he's
sort of going blind. Something about the piercing chafing against his
pupil..."

I make a face. "Ouch."

"Yeah," she
sighs. "Aren't there any normal guys around here?" she asks
as she plops down on her bed. I have very limited experience so if
she thinks there aren't any then maybe what she thinks is true.

Mentally, I go through
all the people I know who I actually speak with on a semi consistent
basis: Nat, Pax and Alex. Alex is a gentleman and he has a good head
on his shoulders. Nat needs someone like that.
What happened to me
never introducing them to one another?
I ask myself. Sometimes
you have to do things you might not want to for friends. I take a
deep breath. "I know this guy from work," I begin. "His
name's Alex. He's handsome, a really hard worker, and nice."
Sort of.
"Maybe you'd like him."

"What's he look
like?"

I picture Alex's
perfect Ken-doll looks. In my mind, I see his dark blonde hair, pale
blue eyes, and perfect tan skin. "Like a cute guy?" I
shrug. "He makes really good tips."

"I guess I could
meet him. It's not like it would kill me," she mutters. She
sounds tired and a little sad. My heart softens. Nat puts up a good
front, always partying and talking about going out, but I think deep
inside she isn't happy. I think she wants to have someone. Maybe
she'd stay home more if she did. Who knows?

"Pax is going to
pick me up from work. Why don’t I have him swing by, pick you up
and you can meet Alex?" I suggest.

"Sure." She
doesn't sound excited but at least she doesn't sound sad.

"It'll be fun."
I try to sound enthusiastic.

"Yep."

I think about what she
likes to do. "Why don't you go shopping for shoes? I heard a
customer say DSW is having a huge summer blowout sale." Her head
pops up. "I also saw a few more puppy videos," I press on.
"One of the puppies is dressed like Snooki from the Jersey
Shore."
Whatever that is.
"I marked them for you on
your laptop." A grin starts to crack her face. I get up to bring
her laptop and set it in front of her. "Enjoy." She sits
back and fluffs a few pillows behind her.

A knock reverberates
through the room, and I know who it is. A familiar warm feeling
creeps over me like hot soup on a cold day. Nat smirks from behind
her laptop. "Your man's here," she says with a knowing
grin.

"He's not my man,"
I deny as I move toward the room.

"Have you
seen
the way he looks at you? Trust me. He's your man."

There's a blush
covering my cheeks when I open the door. "Hi," I greet Pax
softly. He bends down to kiss my lips. It's just a peck, but
instantly, my body is aware of him.

"Hey," Pax
says as he steps inside. He's just finished with practice and he has
a gym bag over his shoulder. Beads of sweat roll down his forehead,
but to me he looks like the sexiest man on earth. "Ready to
roll
?"

I don't miss the joke.
It's become a regular with him. I roll my eyes. "Yeah," I
answer as I grab my purse. "I get done at eight pm tonight.
Could you pick up Nat first and then come get me?"

"Yeah. That's not
a problem."

"
Nat
,"
I say her name with emphasis as she looks up, "
will
be
ready by 7:45 pm." I lock gazes with her. "She
will
have her make-up
and
hair done.
And
she won't make you
come back because she forgot her purse."

"Hey," Nat
protests, "that only happened once-"

"-Or four," I
interrupt. "I know because I had to come out with your purse for
you."

"I don't remember
that."

"You might have
been drinking at a certain friend's house and were too drunk to walk
up here yourself so I had to come down."

"Oh." Her
cheeks pink. "Maybe."

I laugh. "Just
make sure you're ready, you." I walk behind Pax out the door.

"Behave kids!"

"I'm going to
work!" I shut the door, shaking my head. I touch Pax's arm.
"Sorry, she-"

His lips crush against
mine before I finish my sentence. My lips break like a dam and his
tongue pushes through with fervor. His favorite thing to do is bite
my lower lip and his teeth nip me immediately. Then his lips soften,
brushing against mine gently. After a minute, he pulls back. "Sorry."
Pax is breathing as hard as I am. "But I just really missed you
today."

"You just saw me
this morning," I say, leaning into him.

"Yeah, you'd think
seeing someone everyday might be tiring. But I have a feeling it
won't be like that with you."

"Bet you say that
to all the ladies."

His eyes turn serious.
"No, I don't, actually."

I wonder what the
storms in his eyes mean. "Okay."

Pax does something
different today. He holds my hand the entire walk from the dorms to
Maddie's. Even though it's such a small act, I feel like it's another
big step for me. Nothing is happening the way I planned out. I should
be terrified. A small part of me is. A bigger part of me is feeling
something different. I used to think there was nothing but heaviness
inside me, and for the first time in a long time I don't feel like a
hundred bricks are on top of me. I don't feel like my lungs might
collapse at any moment as I hold my breath through the things to
come. I breathe easy now. I sleep easy.

I sneak a glance at
Pax. Maybe Grandma was wrong. Maybe men don't lead us off the right
path. Maybe there are good men who help us go in the right direction.

"What are you
thinking about?"

I look ahead.
"Nothing," I lie.

He nudges me with his
shoulders and because he's so tall it hits my head. I glare at him
when he smiles. It's become an inside joke between us. I move further
away and he tugs me back to his side. "I know you're lying
because your face scrunches up when you're thinking."

"No, it doesn't,"
I deny.

"Look in the
mirror," he advises. "You used to do that all the time, but
you do it less now. I think you trust me more."

It's scary how he knows
that. I used to pride myself on my indifferent facade. I thought
maybe I was impenetrable. Pax does something that breaks through. He
finds pieces of me I've hidden away. I shudder. What happens when he
finds everything?

I try to shrug
casually. "Your engineer brain thinks too much," I say.
During one of our morning walks, Pax told me he's majoring in
mechanical engineering. Because he's switching over from sports
therapy, he's a year and a half behind and won't be graduating with
some of his friends.

"Maybe it does.
But I'm not usually wrong."

"Jeez. So
arrogant. What a know-it-all," I tease.

He kisses my hand. "I
only want to know it all when it comes to you."

His words make me melt
inside and I pull my hands away. He captures them again, of course,
and proceeds to lock my palm in front of his stomach so I have no
choice but to have my whole side touch his. We walk like that all the
way to Maddie's. When we get to the door, he insists on walking me
inside. I try to dissuade him, but he's stubborn and walks in ahead
of me. The bell rings alerting everyone to our presence.

"Reid,"
Anna's voice comes from ahead of us. "What a pleasant surprise."
She looks very put together as usual. Her bun is sleek and tight. It
shines from hair spray.

"Hi Anna," he
comes over to hug her. "How are you?"

"I'm good."
She cranes her neck to look into his face. Anna is small next to him,
fragile. I wonder if that's how I look with him. "You should
come by more often."

"I've tried to but
between practice, school and other obligations I feel like I've had
no time for anything."

She nods. "How's
your uncle and aunt? We haven't seen them in a while." Her face
softens. "Bill used to come here all the time when your parents
were working here."

"Yeah, I know.
He's a police captain at his precinct now so he's working crazy
hours."

"I'm glad to hear
that. You and Gail must be so proud."

"Aunt Gail hates
the late hours," Pax laughs.

Anna looks sympathetic.
"It's not easy to be captain of such a large precinct."

"No, it isn't,"
he agrees.

She steps back. "So
what brings you here today? Is Cade with you?"