Once Broken (32 page)

“Oh, Mom. I’m so sad about Louie. But seeing
him
makes me so angry. I don’t want to feel such overwhelming anger at Louie’s wake. But I do. I don’t want to feel this overwhelming grief. But I do. And seeing Louie in that casket, in his ‘fancy’ suit he loved so much … I could hear him saying, ‘Pretty sharp, eh?’ He always said that when he wore that suit.

“Introducing John to Tony, I wanted to say, ‘John, this is the freaking donor I’ve told you about.’” She let out a sob. “But I couldn’t do that to Louie.” Her face was flushed; tears flowed down her cheeks along mascara lines. She wiped her face. “I must look like a crack whore.”

“You’re beautiful.” Jackie gave her a handful of tissues.

“Sure, a beautiful crack whore.”

“Let’s go home. We need wine. What a day.” Jackie inhaled deeply through her nose and released it slowly.

At the funeral the following day, Gina, Jackie, and John stayed in the back of the line of mourners and in the back of the church, keeping them out of direct contact with Tony. It was Gina’s sole condition for attending her grandfather’s funeral.

December 2003

Gina’s reaction haunted Tony. His remorse intensified. Losing his father jarred him into acknowledging his own mortality. His life was lonelier and more painful than ever. Gina was his only tangible contribution to this lifetime; the child he’d chosen to abandon.
She’s getting married.
The fact that soon there’d be grandchildren he’d never know broke his already broken heart. He longed to read books to the three-year-old little girl he’d abandoned twenty-two years ago. He yearned to have those little arms around his neck, as they were so few times. But the feeling of warmth and love was vividly recalled. Now, he was haunted by the void in his daughter’s eyes that was as bold as the void she had written on his check.

*

“It’s so cold out there. We should be ordering hot toddies instead of margaritas,” Jackie said to Gina, rubbing her hands together as they were seated in a booth in Casa Mexico. “If we have Spanish coffees for dessert, we’ll be all warmed up before it’s time to go! That lavender sweater looks terrific on you Gina. Is it new?”

“Yeah, I bought it Saturday when I went shopping with Ashley. I had to. It’s chenille.” She lightly caressed the cowl neck.

“Your favorite.”

“Yup. So, you busy on April 16, Mom?”

“April 16, this year or next?” Jackie asked, surmising where the conversation was going and wanting to be as playful as Gina.

“April 16, 2005,” Gina answered, glancing at the menu with feigned nonchalance.

“You set the date. How exciting! Now we have some planning to do.”

The waiter approached the table. “Would you like something to drink or an appetizer?”

“Yes, please. Two margaritas on the rocks, salted. And an order of loaded nachos?” Jackie glanced at Gina for approval.

“Sounds wonderful, Gina said.”

“Thanks. That’s it for now,” she told the waiter.

She turned back to Gina. “So, what are the wedding plans so far?”

“John and I have been tallying the guest list. Our family and friends, I estimate, will be no more than sixty people. John estimated the same number for his side. So together, we’ll invite about one hundred twenty guests. Out of that, probably a hundred will come. That’s a nice manageable number, don’t you think?”

“Yes, that’s a good number.” Jackie reached for her margarita.

“Mom, would you mind if we had our reception at the Lyman Estate?” Gina asked. “I understand if you do.”

“Oh. It’s such a beautiful place.” Jackie hesitated, remembering visiting the venue with Sean. “If that’s where you want to get married, then that’s where you should get married. You’d better book soon,”

“Well actually, John did, pending your approval. That’s how we came up with April 16. We love the place, but because of Sean, we knew we had to ask you first.” Gina leaned over her plate, taking a bite of a loaded nacho she’d constructed. “Ashley will be my maid of honor. She’s like my sister. Krissy, Mary Katherine from school, and John’s sister Patrice will be bridesmaids. And you’ll give me away.”

Jackie looked up from her margarita, overwhelmed with emotion at the image; all she could say was, “Oh my.”

“Well, you’re the one person who’s loved me, supported, protected, and guided me. You’re my Mom
and
Dad. So you have to give me away.”

Her nose stung as tears welled. “I’d be honored of course, but how can I do that without crying?” she asked herself aloud.

“You’d better get it out before the wedding,” Gina said, one cheek bulging. “No crying allowed at my wedding.”

*

“Nana, we’re getting married April 16, 2005,” Gina announced, sitting next to John on the sofa in the den.

Snuggled in her cushioned recliner, Anna exclaimed, “I’m so happy for you dear.

“Mr. Baker, you’ve got yourself quite a wonderful girl there.”

“Believe me, I know, Mrs. Salvucci,” John assured her.

Anna added, “And you, my dear, got quite a catch!”

“Yes, Nana, I know.” Gina chuckled.

“How are the wedding finances holding up, can I ask?”

“They’re fine. Why?”

“Well, Tony told me that he sent you some money a few months back, but you returned it. I’m sure it’s still available.” Placing her hand over Gina’s, she said, “He’d be pleased if you took it.”

“Anna, with all due respect, that won’t be necessary.” John answered. “Your son—”

“Nana, please.” In her gentlest voice, Gina said, “I know he’s your son, Nana, and you love him. But you must understand my position. I don’t need anything from him. And that was his choice.”

“I know. Oh, never mind.” She resumed her latest crochet project.

“Nana, please understand.” Gina drifted into distant memories. As if thinking aloud, she said, “Do you know when I received my First Communion I lied to my classmates about my father? I told them he lived in California and couldn’t get a flight. No Nana, I won’t relieve his guilt by accepting money.”

Putting down her crochet, Anna said, “My sweet Gina, I don’t think you understand. This isn’t about guilt. It’s about remorse. When Tony first left you and your mother, I know he felt guilty. He knew it was wrong. But his guilt made him angry. He blamed everyone and everything for the situation, including of course, your mom. I think his guilt might’ve made him marry Carmella. But somewhere over the years, maybe when the accident happened, he changed. He feels horrible and wants to fix things. But he can’t rewind time. The money won’t fix his guilt; it’s to make things right if at all possible. He’s sorry Gina.”

“Well, I’m sorry too,” Gina responded, trying to hide her anger. “Nana, I want to talk about happy things. Like my wedding.” Suddenly she noticed how much older Anna looked since she lost her husband. “Geez, Nana, you’ll be eighty next fall?”

“Imagine that. Me, eighty.” She shook her head in disbelief. “Life goes by like opening and shutting a window. So fast. But life’s been good to me. I have but one outstanding wish.”

“What’s that,” John asked, much to Gina’s dread.

“For my granddaughter and my son to be at peace with one another.”

May 2004

F
ollowing months of house hunting, Gina and John found their future home. Whisking Jackie to see it, they drove up to a large dark-gray colonial with white trim, black shutters, and a large open porch, set on an acre of professionally landscaped property. “It makes some impression!” Jackie said, as they turned into the driveway. “The farmer’s porch is so you, Gina!”

“It’s a beauty,” John agreed.

“Wait until you see the inside, Mom.”

Jackie loved the open-concept living space with gleaming hardwood floors and the stone fireplace wall. When she spotted the sunroom off the foyer, she gasped. The sun streamed through the floor-to-ceiling windows. She opened her arms wide and twirled. “Oh, I’ve always been a sucker for sunrooms! I can see you writing some productive marketing material here.”

“I know! It’ll definitely be our office.”

Jackie returned to the living room, clasping her hands. “That fireplace is magnificent!”

Walking over to the stone wall, John said, “Watch this!” With a flick of a switch, water trickled down the stones into a basin creating a relaxing waterfall effect.

“Wow, that’s charming.”

They moved to the open kitchen. “Oh Gina, the island’s fantastic.” Jackie ran her fingers across the Carrara marble countertops and noted the polished tile backsplash. Peering out of the triple kitchen window over the sink, she said, “What an enormous backyard.” Then she inspected the three-season porch that led to a large deck. “You’ll make many happy family memories in this dream house.”

At the top of the curved staircase were four equally impressive bedrooms. Off the master were a large walk-in closet and an en suite complete with a Jacuzzi tub. Each of the other bedrooms had its own charm.

“What a way to start out. I’m so proud of you both!”

John and Gina moved into their dream home a month before their wedding.

April 16, 2005

The bridal party arrived at Jackie’s townhouse at nine thirty a.m. Mimosas were flowing. Krissy’s sister Emily was a hairdresser who volunteered do the bridal party’s hair and makeup. Tara dropped by in the middle of the bustle. Each taking a mimosa, the old friends escaped to the deck for a quiet chat while the bridal party scampered about the townhouse, buzzing with excitement and laughter. The morning chill left their breath hanging from each word. They agreed it was worth the quiet.

“Thanks for coming, Tara.” She hugged her friend. “We don’t see each other enough. We’re both so busy.”

“I know. So glad I’m here today. Can you believe Gina’s getting married?”

“No! Gina’s first ten years seemed like an eternity. They were such hard years. But from ten to twenty-seven, zip, here we are! It’s frightening to realize that was
my
life that whizzed by!”

“And now, you’re the mother and the father of the bride.” Tara chuckled, sipping her mimosa. “I can’t imagine my kids getting married. But it’ll be here before I know it.”

“It’s sad and exciting. For one thing, I realized the other day I’ll no longer be her next of kin. If something happens to her, John legally makes the decisions. Good thing I love him! I’m sad because I know, as a married woman, she’ll have different responsibilities. And I’ll have to share her on holidays. On the other hand, she’s so lucky to have John. He loves her so much.

“I always feared, because of Tony, Gina might fall into some stupid abandonment trap like I did, attracting men who’d leave her. But John’s a great guy. For that, I’m extremely grateful. Not to mention of course, that there’ll grandchildren someday to fill that gorgeous house they bought.” She squealed with excitement, rubbing her hands together.

“Imagine.” Tara shook her head. “You look far too young to be a grandmother. You haven’t a gray hair.”

“You know better. They’re all under here,” Jackie confessed, lifting the sides of her shoulder-length hair.

“Mom?” Gina went out to the deck. “There you are.” She hugged Tara. “Emily’s ready to do your hair. Auntie Tara, come in with us.”

*

Each bridesmaid wore a shantung lavender gown with a violet ribbon around the waist. The maid of honor’s violet shantung gown with lavender ribbon complemented Ashley’s rosy complexion and blonde-highlighted hair.

The ushers wore black tuxedos, lavender cummerbunds, and charcoal-gray striped ascots. White-rose boutonnieres were pinned to their lapels. The best man, John’s brother Mark, wore a violet cummerbund with his black tux.

Tall and lean, John was striking in his black tux. As he stood at the bottom of the aisle awaiting his bride, he was overcome by emotion.

The first notes of the “Trumpet Voluntary” sounded and the processional began. When Ashley reached the base of the aisle, Jackie and Gina appeared in the archway of St. Patrick’s foyer. Rays of sunlight filtered through the open doors behind them. Gina was exquisite in her full, flowing white tulle gown. The lace appliqués dotted with crystals and sequins sent sparkles of shooting stars all around her. Her dark hair was half up, leaving the remainder to fall in a soft natural curl. A gossamer veil was draped over her perfectly made-up features.

Jackie’s deep-violet linen mother-of-the-bride suit consisted of a fitted skirt with a slit and a long fitted jacket adorned with matching pearls and clear sequins. Her hair was pulled into a French twist. Her matching wide-brimmed hat had a fishnet veil dipping over her eyes. As she walked her radiant daughter down the aisle, she smiled at every guest. When they arrived at the foot of the aisle, the priest asked, “Who gives this woman to this man?”

“I do.” Jackie was proud and honored.

Gina kissed her mother’s cheek. Tears filled Jackie’s eyes as she turned to take her seat in the first row beside her mother and Anna. Gina hooked her arm in John’s and the ceremony began.

Just before the pronouncement of husband and wife, and before anyone in the church noticed, Tony exited through a back door with a lump the size of New England in his throat.

*

Champagne popped upon Gina and John’s return from their Hawaiian honeymoon. Their leisure time was spent with friends and family around the pool at their new home. Gina loved being John’s wife and she enjoyed her job. John’s position as an investment banker at Morgan Stanley was professionally and financially rewarding. Their lives were fulfilling and brimming with promise.

June 2005

Following her eightieth birthday, Anna suffered from chronic bouts of confusion, forgetfulness, and irrational rage. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Concerned about his mother’s decline, Tony approached her with a proposition. “Ma, how about I rent my condo, and Bailey and I will come live here with you. Since Dad died, you’ve been so lonely. And I’m lonely too. I’ll be here to take care of you.”

Anna agreed, grazing his face with her hand. “You’re such a good son, Tony. That would be nice.”

Tony came home midday to check on his mother and serve her lunch. Some days she was fine, settled into her chair, crocheting. Other times, she’d try to cook or do other household chores, and Tony would smell something burning or smoke from some forgotten attempt.