On The Floor (Second Story) (33 page)

All the things he said to me, all the things he made me believe. They were all lies. You can't feel that way about someone and then treat them this way. It is cold and uncaring and heartless. He has devastated me. He made me fall in love with him so deeply and then he threw me away.

I continue to cry for a few more minutes before I dry my eyes. It's still pretty early even after the thirty minutes I just spent crying on my floor. In fact, it's early enough on a Friday morning that I won't run into traffic on the drive home if I leave now. So I decide to leave. Get away from Jake and everything that is going on with my relationship. Well, former relationship, I guess. I need to focus on my family right now and what
I
need.

I text Jenna and tell her that I am going to my dad's house. After the text goes through, I scribble Jenna's number on a piece of paper and turn off my cell phone, leaving it on my desk. I don't want to take it home with me. If Jake tries to call, I don't want to deal with it. And if he doesn't call, then I don't want to deal with that either.

Then grab my purse and leave my room.

Leave the building.

Leave the city.

Leave this big mess behind.

***

On the drive home, I decide not to tell my Dad about everything that is going on with Jake. I just want to spend time with my family. Though that was the plan the last time I went home and I was having issues with my relationship. But the difference this time is I know that we are over. I know what he did and who he did it with. There is nothing to resolve with him. Nothing to talk about.

My mind is occupied the entire drive home, so it goes by quickly. Though that might also be due to the fact that I drive a little faster than I should. I get to my dad's house and realize that he doesn't know that I'm coming home today. I sent him a text yesterday when I knew that Grams was okay, but I didn't tell him when I would be coming home since things weren't resolved with Jake yet.

I still have a key to the house, but I don't want to freak my family out by just walking in unannounced. Especially if they are all sleeping. I didn't bring my phone, so I can't call or text him, and I don't want to ring the doorbell if they're all sleeping. Knowing my dad, if he is up, he's probably in the kitchen drinking his coffee, so I go to the side door that leads to the kitchen and knock. If there is no answer, I'll go get coffee down the street and see if I can use their phone. But luckily I don't have to worry about that because my dad's face peaks out through the window. He looks confused before he realizes it's me that was knocking. His confusion turns into a smile as he unlocks and opens the door.

He pulls me into a hug murmuring "Good morning, sweetheart," in my ear before reaching down and grabbing my bag from me with his free hand. Just like I predicted there is a cup of coffee in the other.

"Morning Dad," I say moving into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table.

"Did you want some coffee?" he asks as he walks over to the coffee machine.

"Sure," I say smiling at him.

He takes a mug from the cupboard and pours me a cup of coffee. "I didn't expect you this weekend. I mean, I'm so glad you were able to come, but did I miss a call or text from you?"

I smile at him as he moves to the fridge to put cream in my coffee. "Sorry I forgot to call. I left pretty early this morning. I didn't want to wake you."

"It's fine, Rachel. You are
always
welcome here. No notice needed," he says smiling over at me. "So Jake's grandma is doing well?" he asks, moving to the table and spooning some sugar into my coffee.

"She is. It was a very minor stroke. They didn't need me there, so I wanted to come and be with you guys. Especially today. I wanted to be home," I say my eyes getting teary for two reasons. One being the fact that today is the anniversary of Mom's death and the other being the fact that I just sort of talked about Jake. That wound is still so fresh. I hope that my dad just assumes that the tears are only for the first reason.

"Well," he says clearing his throat before continuing, emotion clear in his voice. "I'm glad she is okay. And I am happy that you are home." He clears his throat again. "Um, Chad and Monica are still asleep in their rooms. Did you want to take your stuff to your room and get settled before they wake up? We were going to head to the cemetery before we went to therapy."

There are tears in his eyes, but I can tell he is trying to keep them at bay. The fact that my dad is able to talk about going to the cemetery without completely breaking down shows how much progress he has made.
Any
reference to Mom used to send him on a downhill spiral.

And even though my family doesn't
need
me like they used to when Chad was gone and Dad was away, I'm glad I came. I want to remember my Mom with my family around me. With people who knew and loved her also.

And the fact that I was willing to give that up for someone that so easily tossed me aside is both heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. It was one thing for me to put Jake first when I thought that he cared for me as deeply as I care for him. But now that I know how he feels about us, how easily replaceable I am to him, I can't believe I was willing to give this up for him. I care about Grams and I'm glad I was there for her, but she would have understood if I had come home.

I stayed for Jake.

"Yeah, I'll go to my room. I forgot my phone, so I'm going to call Jenna on the landline. Let her know I got here okay," I tell Dad on my way down the hall.

"Okay. I love you, Rachel," he says. I can hear his voice crack and I know as much as he told me it was okay that I wasn't going to make it (and it
would
have been okay), he is happy that I'm here.

I pause and turn around to look at him before saying, "I love you too, Dad."

I grab the house phone off of the living room end table before I walk into my room, quietly closing the door behind me. I pull the paper with Jenna's number on it out of my pocket and dial the phone. I know it's a little early, but I need to talk to her.

She picks up the phone after the third ring mumbling a hello.

"Hey Jen, sorry for waking you. It's Rachel," I tell her since I am calling from a number that she doesn't have in her phone.

"Rachel?" she says sounding a little more aware.

"Yep. It's me. I'm calling from my Dad's house."

"I got your text, but why aren't you calling from your phone?" she asks through yawn.

"I left it back at the dorms."

"That sucks that you forgot it."

"I didn't forget it," I tell her.

"Huh?" She sounds totally confused and I don't blame her.

"That's actually why I wanted to talk to you. Are you awake or do you want to call me back?"

"I'm good. Everything okay?" she asks already knowing that it's not.

"Well, last night when I left your room I saw someone leaving Jake's room," I say, my voice shaking.

"More information. Like, now," she says sounding completely alert now.

I take a deep breath trying to calm down before I continue. "Natalie was leaving his room when I came out of the stairwell. She looked pretty disheveled and when she walked by me she stopped and told me that she was just with Jake. Like
with
him." I relay the information trying to imagine that this happened to somebody else so I don't completely break down.

"What do you mean? I can't... He wouldn't..." she mutters sounding totally shocked.

"What I mean is that I saw Natalie leaving his room after they hooked up. I was on the phone with him about to leave a message when I saw her. After I recovered from the shock, I told his voicemail what an asshole he is. And I haven't heard back. I didn't get any response all night from Jake and now I know why. Because he dumped me and I was too stupid to realize it. Then he didn't even wait a night before he let someone else into his bed..." I say, my sadness finally breaking through my anger as I begin to sob.

"Rachel..." Jenna says trying to soothe me. "Why don't you talk to him?"

"Seriously, Jen? I saw her leaving his room," I say taking a breath to calm myself down. "He hasn't bothered to contact me, so I left my phone at home. If he can be unreachable then so can I. Plus, if he doesn't try to call me... I don't... I don't think I could handle that..." I wipe my tears as we sit in silence on the phone for a few minutes.

"But how did she end up there with him? Nate said that they were at Toby's..." she says quietly.

"I don't know. But I saw it. It happened."

Jenna goes quiet. I sit on my bed and try to organize my thoughts. Try to separate the feelings I'm having about Jake and what is happening with him and how I am feeling about my Mom and family.

"Well. Fuck. Them," Jenna says.

I'm stunned at the way she says it. "Um..." Her blunt response confuses me enough that I am pulled out of my own thoughts.

"Seriously. If Jake is going to treat you like that and disregard your feelings. Fuck him. And now it seems that Nate has been fucking around with me. He told me he was with Jake all night at Toby's and now I find out he wasn't. He tells me he wants more with me, that he has
feelings
, but he can't even keep his lies straight. I'm so sick of men I care about fucking with me!" she finishes, her voice rising with each word.

Whoa. Where did that come from? What does she mean? "Jenna? Are you okay?" I ask, her outburst distracting me from what is going on in my life.

She growls in response. Literally growls into the phone. Then she takes a deep breath before mumbling, "Sorry, Rachel. I kind of got on a tangent there."

"It's okay. Do you want to talk about any of that stuff you just said?" I mean, she said that Nate had feelings for her and referenced that she cared about Nate. And that he wasn't the only guy she has cared about. I know she had something happen in a past relationship, but she has never really talked about it. Or showed that much emotion about it. She always just brushes it off.

"Ugh. No. Later. Right now, I want to make sure that you are okay. Are you? Do you need anything from me?" she asks, her tone changing from annoyed to comforting.

"I'm okay. This all totally sucks. I just want to take the weekend and... I don't know. Just please don't tell Jake that I came home. Or Nate. Don't tell Nate either."

"Don't worry. I won't be talking to either of them." She pauses, but I can tell she wants to say something else.

"What is it Jenna?" I ask her.

"I just... I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all, let alone today," she says her voice wobbling. "Love you girl," she says trying to sound upbeat. "Call if you need me."

"Will do. Love you too," I say before I hang up the phone.

Chapter 25

Within the hour, Monica and Chad wake-up and head down to the kitchen to eat breakfast. I hear everyone moving around while Dad tells them that I am here. Monica squeals and I hear her start to make her way down the hall to my room, but Dad calls her back. I hear a murmured conversation before Monica exclaims, "Fine..." and I don't hear her come down the hall.

I wait a few minutes before I leave my room and make my way to the kitchen. "Good morning family," I say with a smile on my face as I enter the room.

Everyone turns over and smiles at me, saying good morning in return. I go around the table and give everyone a kiss on the cheek as they eat their cereal. I would normally grab a bowl and join them, but with everything going on in my brain I seem to have lost my appetite. So instead, I grab a new cup of coffee and sit down.

"Glad you could make it, Sis," Chad murmurs smiling over at me.

"Me too..." I reply taking a sip of coffee.

Monica clears her throat before getting up and going over to the sink, putting her empty bowl in it. She turns around, bracing her hands on the edge of the counter and leans back on it. "I was, uh, going to go out back and cut some roses from Mom's garden to put on her grave. Anyone want to join me?" she asks, a sad smile on her face.

All of us give some sort of affirmative answer and we go put on our shoes before heading outside. We each pick a rose and cut it off the bush before we go back inside to grab keys, wallets, or purses, and then we head to the car.

All of us are fairly quiet as we drive to the cemetery where Mom's ashes are. Some slow song is playing on the radio, but I don't think any of us are really listening. Our minds, and hearts, are all with my Mom.

When we arrive at the site, we all go together and lay our roses down. We each have tears in our eyes as we think about the beautiful, caring, loving woman who was my Mom. Each of us take time to visit her grave throughout the year, but we like to come together at least twice a year. Always on Mother's Day. And the anniversary of her death. Everyone says a memory that we have of her and then each person takes a moment by themselves to talk to her.

We all step away so Dad can have a moment alone first, then Chad. I am so wrapped up in my head that I don't even realize Chad is back by the car and everyone is waiting for me to take my turn.

I walk over to the place where we laid her remains, wiping tears from my eyes as my feet step on the worn path to her grave. I sit down on the ground crossing my legs and I stare at her marker. Her name. When she was born. When she died. Loving Wife, Mother, and Daughter. And engraved below that are the words to the first verse of
Landslide
by Fleetwood Mac.

She asked my dad to put that on her grave when she passed. She said that song brought them together. That it gave her the life she always dreamed of. That it gave her the family she loved.

I take a breath and put my hand on the word
Mother
. And then I start to talk to her.

"Hey Mom. I miss you. So much," I say, my voice shaking and tears leaking from my eyes. "I wish you were here to talk back to me. Give me advice. I have so many things to tell you. There is so much that has happened. I wish I could’ve seen the smile on your face when I told you that I fell in love this year. Like, you and Dad type of stuff. At least I thought it was.