On an Edge of Glass (21 page)

Self-consciously, I look down at my jeans. 
“I prefer to think of my wardrobe choices as classic
.
”

Payton
rolls her eyes and turns back to the closet.  “I have it on good authority that the majority of hot guys aren’t looking for
classic
when it comes to a woman’s wardrobe choices
.
” 

I don’t know whether to laugh or feel ticked off.  “Well, maybe I’m not interested in the majority of hot guys.” 
Just one in particular
, I think.  And he seems to like my clothes just fine. 

Payton
wags her head.  “I’m sure you’re not.”  She pushes the hangers aside one by one until she finds what she’s looking for.  It’s a long-sleeved dress in the color of new spring leaves.  The bust is made of a tight-woven knitted material that falls away to a loose and gauzy skirt with dark stitching around the hem.  Payton cradles it in front of her body like a favorite teddy bear.

             
“You want me to wear that dress tonight?” 

             
Payton makes a sound that’s somewhere between choking and sighing and thrusts the dress toward me.  “Yes.  I want you to wear this green dress to Ben’s show tonight because it’s always been too long on me so it will be perfect on you. 
And
I want you to put on earrings and eye liner and lipstick.  I want you to have a vodka and cranberry or two, and in general, I want you to stop overthinking every single thing, and just have some good old-fashioned fun.”

             
Rather than irritate Payton further, I take the dress and lay it flat on the bed so that the skirt dangles over the side.  The fabric is cool and smooth.  It has a wide neckline and the sleeves flare out a little at the wrists. If not for the fact that I take offense to my wardrobe choices being labeled
boring,
or that I don’t particularly like being handed orders, I would sort of love the dress.  

M
y phone buzzes alerting me to a new email, and I’m glad for the distraction.  Using my thumb, I scroll to my inbox.

             
“What is it?” Payton asks.  She’s sitting at a small stool in front of a suspended mirror putting deodorant under her arms.

             
A long, silent minute ticks by.

             
“My LSAT scores,” I say cooly, giving nothing away yet.  I need a minute to let things soak in.

             
Payton puts the deodorant tube down and comes closer.  She’s almost hovering.  “And?”  Her voice is threaded with anticipation.

             
I let the hand holding the phone drop to the bed.  I squeeze my eyelids shut.  When I reopen them, the room shifts.  It feels like something is falling away from me.  “Not good.”

Payton takes a visible breath.  “What does
‘not good’ mean Ellie?”

“It means exactly what it sounds like,” I say, the volume of my voice rising.
  My brain throbs like it’s been crammed with a spiraling train of dominos and the one on the end has just been knocked down.  “It means that my scores aren’t
bad
, but they aren’t great either.  Not
Columbia
great.  Not by a long shot.”

“
You can’t know that already.  You can still get into Columbia.  I know that you can.  You’re like a scholastic superstar.”  She sounds so sure of herself. 

I clamp my teet
h down and let go of my breath.  “Actually, I can know that already.  Trust me, Payton.  I’ve been working toward Columbia Law for practically my entire life.  I know for a fact what the LSAT requirements are, and I know that these scores aren’t going to cut it.”

She sits on the
corner of the bed.  “Well… um, why can’t you just take the test again?”

I know that she’s just trying to help, but
it’s like all of these feelings are rushing at me all at once.  Hot tears sting the backs of my eyes.  And, I’m angry—inexplicably angry—with myself, and Columbia, and my parents, and my friends, and Ben.  I want to gather up all of the wasted hours of studying and the anxiety and the years of planning, and drop-kick them down an elevator shaft.

My head thumps against the mattress. 
“God, Payton!  It’s not so fucking simple.  The scores are averaged and I don’t have time to retake it and get my complete application sent in by the deadline.  I had one chance!  Exactly one chance and I ruined it.”

She doesn’t say anyt
hing.  She takes my hand and just lets me cry on her bed.  Maybe she understands as well as I do that there’s nothing left to be done.   

Somehow, I am dressed and out the door at nine.  The green dress that Payton forced on me is swaying around my thighs.  I’m wearing borrowed jewelry.  My hair is brushed out and curled into soft waves courtesy of Ainsley. 

Mark keeps a tight h
old of my arm as we walk toward the brick building off Cedar Avenue.  Payton and Ainsley called him awhile ago and he showed up at the house holding a bottle of vodka in one hand and a box of chocolate cookies in the other.  I enjoyed them both immensely.

             
My head is fuzzy and light.  I haven’t eaten anything but the cookies, and my stomach is making rumbling, jerking sounds. 

I laugh stupidly at something Mark says
as I hand over my ID to the stoic guy parked in front of the club door.  He checks our names off a list that he’s got on a clipboard and we funnel inside, trying not to step over each other’s feet as we go.  Ainsley looks at me with something that I sort of hate—empathy or pity or something close to that.  She leans in and speaks to Mark but it’s too low for me to hear.

             
I push away from both of them and head to the bar. There’s a guy there in low-hanging jeans and a tight shirt.  He’s leering at me like he might try to eat me.  I flip my hair aside and let him get an eyeful as I wait for the bartender to bring over my drink.  Maybe it’s the alcohol pumping through my blood or the dress that’s making me feel this way—bold and sexy.  I have to hand it to Payton because she was right my clothing.  The dress works and I can’t wait for Ben to see me in it.  He’s here somewhere—probably getting ready to go on stage. 

             
I turn, searching the place.  Everything is starting to spin.  It’s a feeling that’s all sharp edges and burning.  I take another giant swig of my drink. 

             
“Damn girl,” Payton says as she sashays to my side.  “I said to have a vodka and cranberry and try to relax a bit.  I didn’t say to toss back a kiddie pool of the stuff the minute you get in the door.” 

             
I giggle and hug her sloppily.  When my mouth is close to her ear I ask, “Have you seen Ben?”

             
She pulls back and her dark-lined hazel eyes reach into mine.  “Not since this morning, but I’d take a guess that he’s in the back getting ready.” 

             
“Oh.”  I make out the door just to the right of the stage that she glances to.

             
“Look, Ainsley and I know that something is going on,” she says. 

             
“What are you talking about?”

             
Payton rolls her eyes and shakes her head.  “Now isn’t the time to get into this.  Not when you’re like this, but we know that you aren’t being honest with us, and it’s okay, babe.  It’s okay.”

             
Her words swish around my head.  Does she mean that she knows about Ben and me?  I scrunch up my nose and Payton laughs. 

             
“We’ll talk later.”  She squeezes my arm and makes me promise to wait exactly where I am while she goes to find Mark and Ainsley.  And then she is gone and I am left standing in the middle of all these people feeling like raw electricity.  I down the last of my drink, letting the ice hit my hot lips.  Despite what I told Payton, I decide to go get another drink from the bar.

             
An arm stops me.  A voice follows.  “Hey there.”

             
I look up and it’s Drew, all striking blue eyes and potent charm wrapped up in a leather jacket.  Even with my brain buzzing, I don’t miss the way he looks up and down my body appreciatively. 

“You,” I say dryly, shaking my arm out of his grasp.

             
He cocks his head and chuckles.  “It’s nice to see you too, Ellie.”

             
I take another step back.  “Why are you here?”  There’s venom in my voice.

             
“Because it’s a free country and I felt like getting a drink.”  He pushes his hand back through his light hair.  An abundance of gel makes it stick up every which way.  “And because Lily wanted to come see Ben and the rest of the guys play.”

             
“Oh,” I say, not liking that answer at all.  Lily is here.  Ben is here.  Ben and Lily are here at the same time. 

             
Drew doesn’t say anything else right away.  He looks out over the crowded bar, and when he turns back to me his face is different—softer.  Some of the anger that I was feeling a few seconds ago dissipates. 

“
Don’t look at me like that.  It’s not like that between Lily and me.  I mean, not anymore,” he says, blinking his blue eyes.  “Maybe it
was
.  But, you have to understand that both of us know that we made a mistake.  A huge one.  I hate myself for it every single day.  Lily still loves Ben and so do I.  Both of us have been trying to make things right with him for months now, but he’ll barely speak to either one of us.  We thought that maybe… I don’t know… if we got a chance to talk to him again…” 

Drew shoves his hands into his pockets and hunches his shoulders forward.  It’s a gesture so much like one that Ben would make that I half-believe him even if
I don’t like the words that are coming out of his mouth.  Lily still loves Ben. 
Loves
.

I want to throw-up or get another drink.  I’m not sure which. 

“For God’s sake, they were engaged and now he won’t even answer her phone calls.”

Now I really want to throw up.
  

“Did you know that?”  I don’t even know why he bothers asking me that question.  I’m pretty sure he can tell by the shell-shocked expression on my face that I didn’t know that Ben and Lily were engaged. 
Engaged. 
What. The. Hell.

I close my eyes and suck in a jagged
breath.  My heart is pounding.  My head is pounding.  In fact, every single part of me is pounding furiously at the same time.  It’s really a feat of nature that I’m still standing on two feet. 

“
Drew, why are you telling me any of this?”

“Because it seemed like
you and Ben were friends.  Probably more than friends from the little that I saw that night at the Halloween party at your place.”  He shrugs like none of it matters.  “Or maybe you’re nothing at all to each other, and who knows why I wanted to tell you?  Maybe I don’t even need a reason.  I just thought that you should know.”

“Where’
s Lily now?” I hear myself asking in a high-pitched voice that I don’t even recognize as my own.   

He gestures with his chin.  “She went to the
back hoping that she’d be able to talk to Ben before he and the guys go on stage.  She wants him to understand the way that things are so that he can start to forgive her.”

I don’t wait to hear
more.  Everything about this night is twisted and confused. 

I leave my empty glass on the bar top and let my feet propel me through the crowd
ed space.  Payton’s going to be pissed when she can’t find me, but I don’t care about that right now.  I just need to see Ben.  After this shitty day, I need to know what’s going on. 

I step through the closed
door that Payton pointed out to me earlier into a dimly lit narrow hallway.  The walls are lined with dark wood paneling.  There are two doors on my left and three on my right.  The first one I try is locked.  So is the one opposite it.  The handle turns on the next knob and I push the door open. 

Even though I think that I’m prepared for what I’ll find
beyond that door, I’m not.  Not by half.

Ben and Lily are standing
in the middle of a small room that looks like someone’s office.  There’s a desk and some chairs haphazardly pushed up against the far wall and a large somewhat bizarre ceramic statue of the Three Stooges on a metal shelf in the corner.  I don’t have time to dwell on the strangeness of the statue because Ben’s got his arms wrapped around Lily’s shoulders and he’s talking into her hair.  The scene is so fiercely intimate that I almost gag right then and there.  It feels like my heart has just been shoved out of a tenth-floor window and then trampled by a stampede of giants. 

A s
nowstorm of emotions slams through me all at once.  I’m a huge gaping hole of a person.  I’m dizzy and out-of-control and losing it.