Old Enough to Love... (Just One of the Guys) (29 page)

His eyes held unwarranted pain and I touched his face. He grabbed my hand and kissed it and tucked it in to his chest.

“Why are you sorry?” I asked.

His eyes closed and he wrestled with what he wanted to say. “I should have controlled my anger. I let him get to me.” He paused. The gravity in his tone matched his hardened eyes. “You got hurt because of me.” His tightened jaw defined his cheekbones but I didn’t like his clenched fists.

“What did he say to you?”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re OK.”  He gently pushed my hair back and examined the stitches. “Seven, huh?” He pressed his lips against my forehead and I inhaled his scent.

“I can’t find the rings. They were around my neck and now they’re gone. I can’t lose them.” I’m sure I sounded panicked. As if trying to calm me, he rubbed my back.

“I’ll find them,” he said his voice barely audible.

“What happened with the police?”

He answered but wouldn’t look at me. “No charges. Thank God. But he’s going to report the incident to my PO.”

“PO?”

“Probation officer.”              

“What’s going to happen?”

He shrugged and didn’t seem to care. Something was wrong. I could tell. Suddenly my dad walked through the door. I pulled out of Zach’s arms.  He noticed and faced my father, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“Daddy. Please
...”

My dad held up his palm to shush me. “Zach called and asked for permission to be here, Emma. I’m not upset. But the doctor’s discharged you.”

Finally! I swung my legs off the bed and grinned.

“Zach. Would you be willing to bring her home?” My dad asked giving Zach’s face a thorough glance over, as he left the room.

“Yes, sir.” Zach smiled, but the happiness didn’t touch his eyes. The hair on my neck to stood on end.

The Jeep ride home was uncomfortably quiet. I didn’t know what to say and Zach said nothing. He put my hand to his mouth repeatedly and kissed my fingers but the words never came. Though I knew he wasn’t angry with me, I couldn’t put my finger on what upset him. The probation issue was what I came up with. But I wasn’t sure and curiosity ate at me. Could he possibly conceive how much I loved him?              

In the driveway, he shifted into park but didn’t cut the engine. My heart fell into the pit of my stomach. He wasn’t coming in. He wasn’t moving at all. I finally turned to him.

“You OK?”

He slowly nodded. “
I’m
fine.”

I’d never seen his eyes expressionless. His beautiful brown eyes were my personal window to his soul and he wouldn’t look at me. Was he implying I wasn’t fine? Because I was. Seven stitches. Big deal.

“Come on. I’ll walk you up.” And just like that, he was shutting his door and around the Jeep at mine. Wasn’t it just this morning that he’d given me his class rings? And last night that I’d slept in his arms all night long? I tried desperately to muster up courage and security. He wanted me to feel secure in us.  I was attempting it but failing.

Once at the front door, I heard him release a long breath and his eyes flickered to mine for a short second. Then he gripped me tight. My cheek pressed hard against his chest and goose bumps crawled across my skin. Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Please just hold me forever. I wasn’t sure I could breathe without him. Then I felt his embrace release and I held my own breath so my tears wouldn’t betray me. His palms were under my jaw lifting my chin and his mouth came down to mine. There was the air I needed to survive another day blowing through my mouth and into my lungs. By the time I had gathered my thoughts enough to return the kiss, he was done and pulled away.
             

I think my heart stopped. He didn’t say goodbye and he didn’t wave. He abandoned me on my front porch assuming I could make it in the house on my own. I wasn’t so sure and the tears fell.

No one else was home yet. I went straight upstairs and drew some bath water pouring beads into the tub. I threw my clothes into the hamper and pulled my hair up into a clip.  The mirror fogged over from the steam and I wiped it with a towel. That’s when I saw the image Zach had seen…my face…streaked with dried blood. My mouth fell open and I was horrified. I was nothing short of Carrie covered in pig blood at her prom. It all made sense now, everyone kept saying ‘the blood’ and I thought they over exaggerated…but they hadn’t.
             

I turned on the water as hot as tolerable and scrubbed at my face, digging with my fingernails at the dried blood. It was matted in my hair and I raised a clump up. I’d had no idea I’d bled this much.  The water in the tub was scalding, hotter than the hot tub had been. The heat of the water pricked my skin and was barely tolerable. For some reason I felt like I deserved to be punished—burn and wash away my selfishness. Zach was, after all, defending my honor with Grant. And through all of this hadn’t I led Grant on to make him believe maybe there was a chance with me? None of this was Zach’s fault.

Zach was so good to me—Grant too for that matter. Perhaps I didn’t deserve either. Sweat formed across my brow and I was too hot. I thought about the night in the hot tub. How great it had been to feel his touch. I’d read so many times how a girls first time with sex was nothing like the movies or books portrayed. That it was actually painful, or worse—uneventful. I couldn’t imagine it that way with Zach. I wondered if our first would be what I fantasized about.

I heard noise downstairs and decided to drain the water. I remained there—soaking—till the water was half gone.  I towel dried, darted to my room, then threw on some sweats and a sweatshirt. The clock read 1:30. One day before Christmas break was over. One afternoon and night to endure before seeing him again. Someone tapped on my door.

“Come in.”

Ryan opened the door.  “Hey, Runt. How you
feelin?”

I shrugged and didn’t think he cared to hear how miserable I was. “OK.”

He moved closer to the bed with a suspicious grin.

“What?” I asked.

He held his fist out to his side, then something fell from his fist when he opened it but dangled from his finger. My rings! I lunged up and threw my arms around his neck.

“Oh Ryan. Thank you! I didn’t know where… thank you.” I retrieved them from his finger and held them to my heart.

“I didn’t know if you wanted mom and dad to see them or not. They know Zach was at Shasta, though,” He warned.

“They mad?”

He shrugged one shoulder and shook his head. “I don’t think so.  I think you getting hurt helped.”

Who’d of thought? I laughed to myself.

I crossed my legs and lay back against my pillows. “Ry. What did Grant say to Zach to piss him off?”

He shrugged. “I tried to get it out of both of them. But neither would budge. They
ain’t talkin.”  He scratched his head and I could tell he was mulling over something. I waited. Then he pulled a pillow under his chin. He was ready. “Em.” OK, he never called me Em. “Have you and Zach…you know?”

I yanked a pillow from behind my head and hit him with it. “That’s none of your business.”  I blushed. “Have you two?”

“That’s none of your business,” he mocked me in a girly voice. “Ali wants to.”

“And you don’t?” I asked in disbelief.

“Hell yeah. But she’s fifteen.”
              “AND won’t be sixteen until next September,” I added.

“Thanks.” He tossed a small pillow up in the air and caught it.

“You’re leaving in August. I know you too well. You’re not going to want a girl back here to worry about.” I tried to rationalize.

He stared at me, maybe surprised by my opinion of him. “You don’t think I could do it?”

“Ryan. It’s not a dare. Of course you could do it. Do you like her that much?” Now I was surprised.

Wrinkles formed across his forehead as he thought. “I like her. She’s fun. What about you and Zach? What happens when he leaves?”

Bile rose in the back of my throat as he even said the words. “I don’t know.” Keep it brief. Don’t think about it, I told myself.

“So why haven’t you two done the deed?” He blurted. “Not that I would encourage it.” 

“I’m fifteen too, remember.” I kicked him in the gut with my heel.

“And you don’t want to?” he smiled.

“Hell yeah!” I repeated his words and we both laughed. “But he won’t.”              

“That’s good.” Ryan stood and walked to the door. “I know there’s a double standard but hold out as long as you can.” He winked and pulled the door closed.

Downstairs, my parents were fixing Sunday dinner together. Odd. Not that we didn’t have Sunday dinner every Sunday…but it was usually mom cooking while dad crashed in front of the TV and watched football. I knew it was bowl time and for him to miss that was out of character.

“What’s up?” I asked casually.

Both of them looked up and smiled. “Emma. You look better.” My mom kissed my cheek as I peeked in the pot. “We’re making your favorite.”

“Yum. Chicken and noodles, sound good. No football, Dad?”

“Ducks play at three.”

Well, there you go. Ten minutes and counting.

“How’s your head, sweetheart?” Dad asked.

“I kind of have a headache,” I complained hoping pity might come my way.

“Zach didn’t stay?” My dad asked like he was shocked.

I raised my eyebrows and it hurt so I tried a different facial expression. “Could he have?” My heart picked up it’s pace.

They eyed each other over the steam coming up from the boiling chicken. This was good…they were thinking about it. “You talk to her.” My dad said. Oh crap.
             

“Emma. Sit down.”

I was screwed.

“Your father and I have given a lot of consideration to how well you handled your grounding from Zach. We monitored your texts and
he
complied one hundred percent. You tried to text him the first night but not again after that. You both seemed to take us seriously.” She glanced at my dad who answered her with a nod. “Two other things. First, his probation. We believe Zach is a good kid, which brings me to my second issue. We will allow you to start seeing him again, here at the house…”

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you….” I whispered under my breath.

My father cleared his throat. “On one condition.”

“Anything.” I was so relieved. I
itched to bolt from the chair and go call him. “What is it?”

“Yo
u will meet with Dr. Erickson to have your first womanly exam and get on the birth control pill,” Mom added. It didn’t sound like it was open for discussion.

“We aren’t having sex.” I covered my face with my hands.

My mom chimed in again. “No. Not yet. And you know we have taught you that it is best to wait. The bible references saving yourself till marriage and we believe that is best. BUT…your father and I were also young once and we know when hormones are involved that it is difficult to make a rational decision. We’d rather you abstain. And being on the pill does not protect you from disease. We’re not condoning sex. But we think this is a good idea.”

“I have no plans to have sex right now. But I hear what you’re saying and I’d be willing to do that.” I wrinkled my nose at the thought of the doctor’s appointment.

“I’ll make the appointment tomorrow.” Mom added.

“OK.” My legs bounced up and down. “Can I call Zach?”

“Yes.” My father answered. And I ran to the phone. It was four.

The phone rang six times at his house. No answer. I tried his cell. Three rings. My heart pounded.

“Hello?”

Relief. “Zach?”

“Am I going to be in trouble for answering this call?”

“No.” I wondered if he heard the excitement in my voice. “Not anymore at least.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s over. My grounding…our grounding.” I giggled.

I heard a deep breath. “You’re kidding.”

“I kid you not. Can you come over?” I wanted his mood to pass with the grounding. But I didn’t have a good feeling.

“Um. I don’t know. Let me talk to my folks when I get home.”

“Where are you?”

“At the school. Lifting.”

He’d gone to the school to lift weights? “Oh. OK.”

“I’ll give you a call in a bit.”

“OK.” I agreed. “Bye.”

The line disconnected and my stomach hurt. Fear pulsed through me and I didn’t know why. No. I did know why—he was being distant…aloof and I didn’t know why.
                           

The longest two hours of my life ticked past as I waited for the phone to ring. It was after 6:00 and Zach hadn’t called back. I pushed my chicken and noodles around in the bowl and managed to get by without taking a real bite. Mom was meeting a buyer and dad never let her go alone on a night time showing so they were leaving, which worked out better for me. I could
pout on my own with no one else around.