Oh Myyy! (23 page)

“Epic” fails speak to us on a somewhat different level. By epic, I mean something with grand scope and grand design. “Grand” of course is all in the mind of the dreamer; something can be epic even if the dreamer is no hero. To be epic is an attempt, even by the common person, to achieve or experience the inconceivable. We recognize when others have pushed their own limits and, as a consequence, rendered their choices and actions epic. Thus, a rafting trip with friends down a river can be epic, especially if it is their first time paddling. An all night bender can turn epic for all its unexpected twists and turns, especially if someone winds up sharing a jail cell with a transvestite hooker.

So what, then, is an epic fail, and why do we love them so? We’ve all seen clips of the first attempts to build flying machines of all kinds. We wince as these contraptions flap and tumble and crash, and then oddly we smile, even as we avert our gaze. We know they have failed, usually miserably, and yet we admire them for the effort. This is in part because we know how that story ends — in the case of those early machines, with a triumphant first flight by the Wright Brothers. It’s also undeniably hilarious to watch others give it their all, only to fall flat on their faces. It’s a form of schadenfreude — made popular by the musical
Avenue Q
— to experience “happiness at the misery of others.”

We’ve all seen those hapless contenders on talent shows who really have no talent whatsoever, singing and dancing as if they were born to be in the spotlight. Assuming they have winning attitudes — i.e., they are trying out because they really DO want to be the next “American Idol” — a part of us still admires them, even as inside a little part of us dies as we beg, “Oh stop. Please, please, please stop.”

Websites such as Fail Blog have begun to capture and agglomerate many of these epic failures. Looking through some of these, it occurs to me that there are some common threads among them:

We really can’t believe what we’re seeing.
A hallmark of epic failure is a sense of disbelief at what we’re witnessing. This disbelief arises in part from the conservative, cautious nature within most of us, which would simply never permit such an attempt in the first instance. This helps explain the popularity of shows like
Wipe Out
and
Jackass
. How many of us would ever attempt these feats?

We watch it over and over again.
Unlike most jokes or funny images, we watch epic failure clips on repeat. Repeat views probably account for more than half of the total views. We also show our friends those same dreadful moments, so that they, too, can watch it over and over. In fact, some of the most epic failure clips have been “remixed” so that the “fail” repeats again and again and again. The editor simply knows and understands that this is what we’ve tuned in to see.

We are evil and going to hell.
Whenever I post something that shouldn’t be funny but somehow people can’t help but laugh, I receive a number of posts along the lines of, “That was in terrible taste, George. But I love it!” or “I’m going to hell for laughing.” We are all taught that we shouldn’t mock others for their misfortune, so when it happens, we have to admit that a little part of each of us is evil. I mean, try not to laugh at this meme. I actually received a comment from an angry fan after posting this, to which I responded with a joke actually used in the script for
Allegiance
. Here’s the exchange:

Even more potent than the epic fail is the epic win. To explain this, let me first say a few words about “winning.” Unfortunately, “winning” generally took a bit of a beating when a certain douchebag began using it as his favorite hashtag on Twitter after being fired from his hit television show. But once that awful smoke cleared, a “win” again resumed its proper place on the Internet.

A “win” is not only the opposite of a fail, it is truly the happy end point of many failures. Parenting is a good example. Most new parents, well intentioned as they are and fresh from every sort of parenting seminar or course imaginable, maintain a deep and abiding suspicion that they are doing it wrong. This fear tends to recede the more children people have, which might account for why there are so many large families. It’s no surprise that instances of parenting “wins” have proven to be some of the most popular of my memes.

Other parenting wins include pictures of how parents turned a child’s wheelchair into an ice cream truck or a bulldozer or a tie-fighter for Halloween. These examples prove that parents can be heroes with a bit of imagination and effort. After all, if the parents of these disabled kids can make their day, what’s your excuse?

Another kind of “win” occurs when people are simply unafraid to be who they are and truly “go for it.” I’ve posted images that run the gamut, everything from a guy dressed as Darth Vader riding a unicycle down a busy street to an unabashedly “fabulous” little boy posing with his arms up as if already cast in a Fosse musical. I’ve noted that when the “win” falls outside of generally accepted behavior, it’s often accompanied by the words “Haters gonna hate” — which is really a rallying cry for the misfits of the world to step forward and break some rules.

Another popular type of “win” is really better described as a “burn” or an “owned” (or a “pwned” if you are a gamer). These wins put bullies in their place, or turn the tables on the intolerant or bigoted using their own language. For example, when Dr. Laura Schlessinger infamously declared back in the 1990s that homosexuals were a “mistake of nature,” she received a letter which later became a viral hit when it made its way onto the Internet.

Here’s a snippet:

DEAR DR. LAURA,

[...] I HAVE LEARNED A GREAT DEAL FROM YOUR SHOW. [...] WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO DEFEND THE HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE, FOR EXAMPLE, I SIMPLY REMIND HIM THAT LEVITICUS 18:22 CLEARLY STATES IT TO BE AN ABOMINATION. END OF DEBATE. I DO NEED SOME ADVICE FROM YOU, HOWEVER, REGARDING SOME OF THE SPECIFIC LAWS AND HOW TO BEST FOLLOW THEM. [...]

- I WOULD LIKE TO SELL MY DAUGHTER INTO SLAVERY, AS SANCTIONED IN EXODUS 21:7. IN THIS DAY AND AGE, WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE A FAIR PRICE FOR HER? [...]

- LEV. 25:44 STATES THAT I MAY INDEED POSSESS SLAVES, BOTH MALE AND FEMALE, PROVIDED THEY ARE PURCHASED FROM NEIGHBORING NATIONS. A FRIEND OF MINE CLAIMS THAT THIS APPLIES TO MEXICANS, BUT NOT CANADIANS. CAN YOU CLARIFY? WHY CAN’T I OWN CANADIANS? [...]

YOUR DEVOTED DISCIPLE AND ADORING FAN.

This exchange was so “winning” that Aaron Sorkin adopted it for use in
The West Wing
in a famous exchange between Jeb Bartlett and a conservative “Doctor” opposed to gay rights.

So what makes an epic win? Keep in mind, the “epicness” of the quest for a win need not be in absolute terms. Epic is all in the mind of the attempter. Thus, one of my most popular links was to a story of a small town hero, David Andrews, who played for his high school basketball team outside of Memphis. David has Down Syndrome and didn’t have many opportunities on the court, but when fate (and his coach) called upon him to step up, he did in a major way, scoring three point jumpers to rival the best of the pros. This led his coach to put David in as a starter who helped lead the team to the county championship. It brings tears to my eyes just to recall watching that clip, which you can see here:
abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/syndrome-player-star-15761771
.

In this way, many of the best epic wins defy the odds and strip us of our cynicism.

A win turns epic when it touches upon our deepest hopes and dazzles us with its sweep. This explains the attraction of movies such as
The Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings
or
Star Wars
, when an unknown hero or heroine saves the planet or even the whole galaxy. Within each of us is the secret wish that we were born for greater things, have superhero powers, or simply haven’t been given the chance yet to defeat the forces of darkness. The online role-play gaming industry is built entirely around the notion of epic wins, giving skinny, awkward young males (and not a few females) a world to imagine beyond cubicles and acne.

My successful ventures on the Internet have been described by the press as an epic win for someone of my age and background, but I like to break it down a bit. I admit, I have had my share of “winning” moments that brought a lot of joy. One in particular stands out, from a post back in April:

FRIENDS, I’M THRILLED TO SHARE THIS NEWS WITH YOU TODAY. AS ANNOUNCED AT EMERALD CITY COMICON, WHERE I’M APPEARING THIS WEEKEND, PARAMOUNT PICTURES HAS GREEN-LIT A NEW
STAR TREK
MOVIE ENTITLED
EXCELSIOR
IN WHICH I WILL PLAY THE CAPTAIN. THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS PART OF PARAMOUNT STUDIO’S 100TH-YEAR ANNIVERSARY CAMPAIGN. THE STUDIO HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THE FAN ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS CONCEPT EVER SINCE I APPEARED IN COMMAND OF THE VESSEL IN
THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY
. J.J. ABRAMS WILL DIRECT, WITH ROBERTO ORCI AGAIN WRITING THE SCREENPLAY.

MY CO-STAR IN
ALLEGIANCE
, PAOLO MONTALBAN, HAS BEEN CAST OPPOSITE ME TO PLAY THE MERCURIAL “AGHA,” THE GRANDSON OF KHAN (PLAYED BY RICARDO MONTALBAN IN THE SECOND
STAR TREK
MOVIE). ALSO FEATURED ARE GILBERT GOTTFRIED (PLAYING A WILY FERENGI FIRST OFFICER) AND LISA LAMPANELLI (AS A BAJORAN SECURITY OFFICER).

MORE TO COME ON THIS BREAKING STORY SOON. THANKS AGAIN FOR THE YEARS OF SUPPORT, AND I’LL SEE YOU ON THE BRIDGE OF EXCELSIOR.

This news was greeted by cheers and applause across my fan base — except for those who realized the date it was published: April 1st. Yes, I’d pulled off one of the most epic April Fools’ Day pranks ever, with tens of thousands of fans duped. Not even the improbable casting of Gilbert and Lisa dissuaded some of fans who were so ready to see me take the helm. Even to this day, I’m asked when the movie will be coming out. Alas, it is not. But at least I’ve got this epic win under my belt.