Occult Suspense for Mothers Boxset: The Nostalgia Effect by EJ Valson and Mother's by Michelle Read (2 ebooks for one price) (37 page)

CHAPTER 53

I keep the radio off on the drive home. I need to think, to formulate my speech. I have knots in my stomach and I’m on the verge of throwing up. I am so consumed with nerves that I don’t know if I should laugh or cry as I turn into the driveway.

Joe’s truck is parked in a different spot than this morning, so I assume Astrid’s vision is correct and Olivia is home as well. I take a deep breath before I shut off the engine. “Fuck,” I say as I exhale. I don’t
have
to go through with this. I could keep living this life as I have been. But I know it would be wrong to take the life away from Joe that he deserves, even if he isn’t aware of its existence.

I hear the sound of the television as I approach the front door. When I open it, Olivia turns from the show she is watching and runs to greet me with a big hug.

“Hi, Baby Girl,” I say, as I pick her up and squeeze her tight.

“Mommy, I missed you so much!” she says with a squeal. I relish in her embrace. I take in the scent of baby shampoo mixed with kid sweat and kiss her soft, chubby cheek before I set her down.

“Go watch your show, Honey. Mommy needs to talk to Daddy,” I say, warding off tears.

I glance around the house, but there is no sign of Joe. “Where is he?” I ask Olivia.

“Outside,” she says, fixated on the dancing ballerina on the television.

I make my way to the patio doors to look for him. He
is cleaning the barbecue grill. “Hi,” I say, as I sheepishly make my way over to him.

He doesn’t budge from his task of scrubbing the grill. “Hi,” he mumbles back.

I am hesitant to broach the subject. He doesn’t appear to be in the mood to talk. “Can we talk?” I ask.

He continues scrubbing for a few seconds before acknowledging me. I wait in silence until he decides to put the brush down and turns to face me.

He looks exhausted, his eyes are heavy and his body is slightly hunched. He looks defeated. “What do you want to talk about?” he asks flatly.

I’m
a little put off by his resentful tone, but I know I need to do this sooner rather than later. I remind myself that Joe is not a wordsmith, nor as good at expressing his emotions as I am, so I need to be patient with this process.

“Well, about….us,” I say meekly.

He stares at me for a minute, takes a breath and prepares to speak. “I guess,” he replies, with a begrudging exhale.

I look back at the house and realize that we won’t be able to do this with Olivia here. “Let me just take her to my dad’s house first,” I say.

“Why?” he asks abruptly. “Is this
that
serious?”

I look back at him and make firm eye contact. “It’s necessary,” I calmly reply.

Before he can argue, I go back inside, call my dad and pack Olivia up.

When I drop her off,
I’m quick and vague about why we need an hour alone. Dad and Mary don’t seem concerned and are happy to spend time with her.

On the quick drive home, I run a conversation through my head to prepare myself. However, these words are lost to me when I arrive back to the house. Joe is just getting out of the shower when I walk in. I pray he is relaxed now. I’m nervous as I make my way back to our bedroom. I take off my shoes and jacket and slowly sit on the edge of the bed. My body is so tense I can barely move.

Joe slips on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, and I continue to wait for the right moment to speak. He keeps his back to me as he sits on his side of the bed to put on a pair of socks.

“Joe, I need to be honest with you about something,” I begin. He remains silent with his back to me. “But I need to you be open and not get angry,” I continue.

“There is someone else, isn’t there?” he asks abruptly. His question takes me aback. How does he know? How would he know?

“Yes and no,” I carefully respond. I get up from my side of the bed and move over next to him. I look at him and he lifts his chin to make eye contact with me. His eyes are pleading and there are pools of tears welling up in them.
I shake my head. “Joe, this is hard to explain, but….there is someone else for you,” I say.

His forehead wrinkles with confusion. “There IS no one else in my life. What are you talking about?” he retorts angrily.

I take a deep breath and try to formulate how I will respond. “I know there isn’t….at least not right now. But I know, deep down, that you deserve and will get so much more from someone else than I can offer you,” I say.

He stands up and begins to pace, head down in his usual “thinking” position. “How can you say that?” he raises his voice. “We have a daughter! We have a life! We have been together for SO long!” he argues.

In this moment
I’m unsure of how to make him see what I know in my heart and in my mind. I love him in some way. Maybe as the father of my child, or my first love, or as the friend that he has become. But I know that I don’t love him the way I love Michael or the way that I believe Rachel will love Joe if they find their way to each other again. And I have to do this before we all miss the window of opportunity for them to connect.

I stand up and rest my hands on his arms to stop his pacing. I take his hands in mine in an attempt to calm him down. “Joe, I know all of that. I cherish all of it too. I know that you don’t understand why I am doing this, but you have to listen to me,” I plead. He looks at me with questions in his eyes. Olivia makes this same face when she is sad -- it’s so heart wrenching.

“Please believe me Joe. I have not cheated on you, I haven’t betrayed you. But I know at the core of my soul that I am NOT the one you are supposed to be with,” I say firmly. “I don’t want to hurt you, or Olivia, or anyone in our family, but if I keep you from what I know you deserve, I will end up hurting you more than you know. I don’t want to take that experience away from you,” I explain.

“What experience? What do you mean?” he asks, his voice getting frantic.

I see Michael’s face in my mind. “True love,” I simply say. I look more deeply into his eyes and hold his hands tighter.

“I mean experiencing the kind of love that makes you feel emotions you never thought possible. The kind of love that makes you drop your guard and be vulnerable to any kind of pain you might endure, just to have the pleasure of experiencing it…even if only for a short time. The kind of love that makes you feel as if you are with your best friend, soul mate and stranger -- all at once. The person that even in a moment of anger you can still look at and know that there is no other place you would rather be than with them. The person that you know you were put on this earth to find….and to love wholeheartedly. And if you woke up one day and they were gone, you would walk to the ends of the earth to find them,” I say as I begin to cry.

Joe is silent. There is a tear falling down his cheek. He moves in to hug me, his body slumps into my embrace. He is innocently childlike. “I’m sorry you don’t love me like that,” he strains. “What can I do?” he begs as he pulls back to face me.

I shake my head as I look to the floor. I can’t bear to look at his sad eyes. “Joe, it isn’t you, it isn’t anything about
you
,” I respond through my tears. I look up and meet his eyes again.

“You deserve better than what I can give you and I won’t let you settle for less. I know that you feel horrible, and mad, and sad, but please believe that I do not want to hurt you. I want to part the right way. I want us to raise our daughter together, to be friends, to help her grow up and be happy. I don’t want us to fight. I want us to be kind to each other. I want us to be a family, even if we are living in different houses -- with different people,” I explain.

I can see that he is overwhelmed. I have said too much and he can’t absorb it fast enough, so I decide to go sit on the bed and give him some space.
After a few minutes he prepares to speak. “So, do you want me to leave?” he sadly asks.

“No, of course not,” I say. “We can do this slowly. We don’t have to rush it. And for Olivia’s sake, I want to be careful in how we handle the situation, maybe do it in steps,” I suggest.

I’m drained from this conversation. Everything is catching up with me all at once. The trade show, the late angry night before, my conversation with Astrid and finally this. Now that I have done it, there is no going back. My safe place has been altered. I am now floating again in this life with uncertainty surrounding me. The one constant I had has now been broken apart. I can only pray that I’m doing the right thing.

Joe can tell
I’m exhausted, as I am now lying curled up on the bed. He sits down next to me. I adjust my position as the bed tilts underneath me from his weight. “OK,” he agrees. Then he lightly rubs my back, gets up and walks out of the room.

A few minutes later he announces from the living room that he is going to get Olivia. I let down when I hear his truck start outside. I’m so tired from the emotional battle inside my body. I don’t know where to go from here.

I have dismantled my family, and set myself up for solitude. I am now more afraid of the unknown than ever. To top it all off, the one person who I would run to for comfort in my other life is oblivious to the fact that I need him.

CHAPTER 54

Joe and I decide it is best to start the process of separating slowly. I know he needs that as much as Olivia does. In fear of pushing him too far, I go along with it. The first time we separated, I was hasty to start my new life and it was too much for him. I want to go at a pace that is comfortable for him, yet sets the boundaries of where our marriage stops and our new friendship starts.

I tell Olivia that I am moving in to the guest room because daddy snores. The first few nights she asks me when Daddy will stop snoring. I tell her I don’t know. She stops being inquisitive after a week and accepts the guest room as Mommy’s new sleeping quarters.

We keep our nightly routine the same. It is easy, considering there wasn’t really anything romantic between us. The only difference is dropping the pet names and the occasional kiss
“hello”
or
“goodbye.”
That comes easier for me to let go of then it does for Joe. We had one awkward moment in front of Olivia when he came home and routinely went to kiss me. I pulled back. Olivia thought it was a game and laughed at me. Joe caught himself and walked away embarrassed.

Work is my salvation. I am able to walk in and leave my troubles at the door. It’s like its own ecosystem there. I can actually breathe. Even though Michael is still technically an acquaintance, I have relaxed more around him and he occasionally jokes with and teases me. This is a good sign, as I know it means he feels comfortable.

However, my mood is slightly deflated when I find out that he and some of his housemates are having a party. I can only assume that girls will be there. I forget sometimes that he is only twenty-two and in his mind
I’m probably just some late twenty-something woman with a husband and a kid at home.

I decide to tell Stacy that Joe and I have split up over lunch one afternoon. “Are you OK?” she asks, with a very concerned look.

“Yes. Really, it was bound to happen sooner or later,” I reply matter-of-factly.

“Well, in truth you reminded me of my mom and her ex-husband,” she says nonchalantly. “I mean, it’s obvious you care about each other, but you don’t talk about him much and you two aren’t really joined at the hip. You seem like buddies more than husband and wife.”

I ponder her comment for a minute. She is right. Joe and I rarely go out together and I don’t talk about him much. We are very separate in our lives. From what I recall of my life with Michael, we do everything together. We work together, AND we live together. It is not an easy feat at times, but we have made it work -- all the while making time to spend alone together on date nights or when we can break away for a long weekend without the kids. And why was I feeling like our marriage was lacking something before I arrived in this life? I’m ungrateful.

“You OK? I hope I didn’t upset you,” Stacy says apologetically.

I quickly shake my head. “Of course not. You are absolutely right. Which is how I know that I made the right decision,” I reassure her, and myself.

Because I know that this will eventually get around the office, and naturally people will handle me with kid gloves, I decide to share the news with Steve. I tell him in a well-rehearsed speech about my new situation, which is then followed by,
“I’m sorry to hear that. Take some time off if you need it,”
-- the standard stuff people say in these circumstances.

By the end of the week, the entire department knows, including Michael, as well as a few other members of the company. I am not handling this in the way most people going through a divorce would. I almost feel as if I’m faking it, or going through the motions of being upset. I am not purposefully lying, I’m not thrilled about the obstacles I will be facing as I embark on this next step, but I know it is necessary. So I am going through this situation as I think I should. Calm, focused and ready for something new.

I have hope that John will contact Astrid and me with answers soon, but the lack of communication and little information has me in doubt. All I know is that I am me...well...a version of me. I have my family, my friends, my daughter and Michael…for now.