Now and Forever (38 page)

Jessica looked up at Martin, holding back the tears. Her voice was barely a whisper. "No, Martin, I won't see him anymore."

He told her that she would be divorced in six months. In September. A year after he had been arrested, a year after the end of their marriage had begun.

There was a letter from Ian waiting when she stopped by the house for her mail on her way to the boutique. It was only a brief note. And a poem. She read it with wide, sad eyes, and then tore it carefully in half and threw it away. But it had stuck in her mind somehow. Like a satin thorn. It was the last letter from Ian she opened. The poem decided her.

You are the explosive celebration of my sunbursts every morning,You are the whisper in my late late nights,You are the symphony in my sunsets,You are the splendor and the glory of the dawning of my life.

The dawning of his life was past, with her, at least. But she felt as though she had singlehandedly killed the sunrise. Canceled it. Sent it away. Made it cry. Broken something sacred. Him, and herself, and the thing that was both of them. The thing she now believed had never been at all. But she knew she had to do what she was doing.

The boutique was in beautiful shape. There were new displays all over the main room, and the window looked like a vision of spring. Astrid had done it herself. And the pastels and creams and delicate shades Jessie had bought in New York more than six months before looked good on display. There were two new plants in her office, with bright yellow flowers in full bloom, and there was a neat, crisp air to the shop that she had almost forgotten. She had been gone for only two weeks, but Lady J had been reborn, just as she had been. It looked the way it had when Jessie had first opened it, in the days when she's been madly in love with it and had put her heart and soul into its birth. Now it showed the signs of Astrid's fresh enthusiasm and love. She hadn't changed anything radically, she had just pulled it together. Even Katsuko and Zina looked happier.

"How was the vacation?" Katsuko looked up, delighted to see her, but she didn't need to ask. Jessie looked like Jessie again, only better.

"It was exactly what I needed. And look at this place! It looks like you painted it or something. So cheerful and pretty."

"That's just the new line. It looks pretty damn good."

"How's it selling?"

"Like hotcakes. And wait till you see what I picked up for fall. Everything's orange or red. Lots of black, and some marvelous silver knits for the opera." The browns of the winter before were already forgotten. Next year it would be red. Bright, busy, alive, maybe that was a good sign for her new life ... new life. Jesus. She didn't want to think about it yet. And there would be so many people to tell... to explain to ... to ...

Jessica settled down in her office, looked around with pleasure, and enjoyed the feeling of having come home. It softened the burden of the morning, the meeting with Martin. She tried to keep it out of her mind. She would write to Ian tonight. For the last time. She didn't want to get into a long exchange of letters with him. He was too good at it. The letters would be ... too much. They could work everything out through their lawyer. The less they said to each other, even by letter, the better. She had made up her mind. It was done now, and it was for the best. Now she had to look ahead and steel herself not to look back at the years with Ian. They were over now. A part of her past, like out-of-date fashions. Jessica and Ian were "passe."

"Jessie? Got a minute?" Zina's curly head poked in the door, and Jessie looked up and smiled. She felt older, quieter, but no longer tired. And she felt strong. For the first time in months, the nights alone did not terrify her. The house was no longer haunted. Her life was no longer infested by ghosts. Her first night back in the house had actually been peaceful. Finally.

She forced her attention back to Zina, still hovering in the doorway. "Sure, Zina. I've got lots of time" The slower pace of the country was still with her. She didn't feel harried yet, and she loved it.

"You're lookin' good." Zina sat in the chair next to Jessie's desk and looked slightly uncomfortable. She asked a few questions about Jessie's vacation, and seemed to hesitate each time there was a pause. Finally, Jessie had had enough.

"Okay, lady, what's on your mind?"

"I don't know what to say, Jessie, but ..." She looked up and suddenly Jessie sensed it. The hard months had taken their toll on everyone, not only on her. And she was almost surprised that neither of them had done it before. They probably hadn't because they were too loyal. She took a long breath and looked into Zina's eyes.

"You're quitting?"

Zina nodded. "I'm getting married." She said it almost apologetically.

"You are?" Jessie hadn't even known that Zina had a boyfriend. She hadn't had one the last time they'd talked ... but when had that been? Last month? Two months ago? More like six. Since then she'd been too busy with her own problems to inquire or to care.

"I'm getting married in three weeks."

"Zina, that's lovely news! What are you looking so sorry about, dummy?" Jessie smiled broadly and Zina looked overwhelmingly relieved.

"I just feel bad about leaving you. We're moving to Memphis."

Jessica laughed. It sounded like a horrible fate, but she knew Zina didn't think so, and now that the news was out, Zina looked ecstatic.

"I met him at a Christmas Eve party, and oh ... Jessie! He's the most beautiful man, in all possible ways! And I love him! And we're going to have lots of babies!" She grinned contentedly and Jessica jumped up and gave her a hug. "And look at my ring!" She was pure Southern belle as she flashed the tiniest of diamonds.

"Were you wearing that before I went on vacation?" Jessica was beginning to wonder just how much she'd been missing.

"No. He gave it to me last week. But I didn't want to write and tell you, so I waited till you got back." And Astrid had forbidden all potentially disturbing communications to Jessie. Like news of the creditors who kept calling about the bills she still hadn't paid. "It's such a pretty little ring, isn't it?"

"It's gorgeous. And you're crazy, but I love you, and I'm so happy for you!" And then a flash of pain struck through to her core. Zina was getting married, she was getting divorced. You come, you go, you start, you end, you try, you lose, and maybe later you get another try, a fresh start, and this time win. Maybe. Or maybe it didn't really matter. She hoped Zina would win on the first try.

"I feel so bad giving you such short notice, Jess. But we just decided. Honest." She almost hung her head, but the smile was too big to hide

"Stop apologizing, for heaven's sake! I'm just glad I came home. Where's the wedding?"

"In New Orleans, or my mother would kill me. I'm flying home in two weeks, and she's already going crazy over the wedding. We didn't give her much notice either. She called me four times last night, and you should have heard Daddy!" They both giggled, and Jessica started to think.

"Do you need a dress?"

"Well, look at you! What are you up to tonight?"

Astrid looked embarrassed as she buttoned the mink coat. It was May, but still chilly at night, and the fur coat looked good on her.

Jessie had just locked the doors to the shop. The arrangement was working out well. She, Katsuko, and Astrid got along like sisters. They made a powerful team, almost too much so, but they liked it, and the boutique was doing much better. Calls from creditors were getting rare. You could see the relief in Jessica's face.

"All right, nosey-body--" Astrid looked at Jessica watching her with amusement--"I happen to have a date." She said it like a sixteen-year-old, with a faint blush on her cheeks, and Jessica burst out laughing.

"And you already look guilty as hell. Who's the guy?"

"Some idiot I met through a friend." She looked almost pained.

"How old is he?" Jessie was suspicious of Astrid's passion for men over sixty. She was still looking for Tom.

"He's forty-five." With a virginal expression, she finished buttoning the coat.

"At least he's a decent age. For a change."

"Thank you, Aunt Jessie." The two women laughed and Jessica pulled a comb out of her handbag.

"As a matter of fact, I have a date too." She looked up with a small smile.

"Oh? With whom?" The tables were turned now, and Astrid looked as though she enjoyed it. But Jessie had been going out a good deal in the past weeks. With young men, with old ones, with a photographer, a banker, even with a law student once. But never with writers. And she never talked about Ian anymore. The subject was forbidden and mention of Ian met with silence or black looks.

"I'm going out with a friend of a friend from New York. He's just in San Francisco for a week. But what the hell, why not? He sounded decent on the phone. A little bit of a Mr. New York Smoothie, but at least he seemed halfway intelligent. He had a nice quick sense of humor on the phone. I just hope he behaves himself." Jessica sighed softly as she put her comb back in her bag. Her hair hung well past her shoulders in a sheet of satiny blond.