Novels 01 Blue Skies (21 page)

Chapter 49

‘Hello, Mandy,’ he said quietly. ‘Can I come in?’

‘No,’ she whispered, beginning to shake. She backed away from the door. ‘You’re dead! You’re not real. I don’t know who you are.’ Her voice rose to a scream. ‘No!
Go away!
’ She buried her face in her hands and stumbled into the house. Her father followed, closing the door gently behind him.

Mingus approached Brian cautiously and sniffed his legs, then retreated uncertainly.

‘I’m so sorry to frighten you. I am real – I promise. Please, don’t be frightened.’

Amanda took her hands from her face, to look at him. She could feel her heart thumping, almost coming through her chest, and there was a rushing sound in her ears. She could see his lips moving but not hear his words. ‘It can’t be you! I’m dreaming.
Please
, I want to wake up!’ She covered her eyes again and began to cry.

Brian reached out and touched her briefly on the arm. ‘I’m real, Mandy. Touch my hand.’

Trembling, she put out her hand, ever so slowly and Brian covered her hand with his. Amanda looked at his face, his eyes, his hands, then took his hand in hers.

‘You’re really here?’ she asked disbelievingly. ‘You’re not dead?’

Brian shook his head.‘No, I’m not dead.’

‘Why are you here? Where have you been?’ She snatched her hand from his and backed away again, trying to make sense of his sudden appearance – which made no sense at all . . .

‘So where have you been living?’ Amanda asked. They were sitting at the kitchen table. It felt like hours since she had opened the door, but in reality it was only thirty minutes. She couldn’t seem to keep still, was agitated and jumpy. Brian, on the other hand, had a serenity about him that Amanda couldn’t ever remember him possessing. Between them was a letter that Brian had brought with him.

‘I’ve been out on the Nullarbor plains, working as a dogger,’ he said. I hunt dingoes, wild dogs and foxes – Doug the Dogger they all call me. I get paid in food or cash. Nobody really questions who you are out there. I do my job, they leave me alone. That’s how I like it. My life is very simple, no grog, no bills – two of my biggest fears.’

Amanda tried to think of another question to ask. At some other time and in a different situation, she probably would’ve found it amusing that the one thing – the one opportunity – she’d wished for, longed for, was sitting in front of her and she couldn’t work out what to ask or say. All the things she’d gone over in her head or said out loud in the privacy of her bedroom, all the words she’d wished she could say to her father, had gone. She couldn’t remember what they were, or how they were supposed to come out.

Her father filled the gap for her. ‘You’ve done wonders with Kyleena, Mandy. I could see it from the moment I came in the gate.The sheep are in good nick, the fences are well maintained – it looks like a well-run farm. You’ve done really well. I’m very proud of you. Congratulations.’

‘Um, thank you.’ There was a long silence and then Amanda said, ‘Dad, I’ve wanted to talk to you so often since you, um, died, but I never thought I’d get the opportunity. I can’t think of any bloody thing to say – all I want to do is cry and scream. I’m so nervous and happy, I’ve got so much I want to tell you . . .’ Tears started to stream down her cheeks again.

‘Mandy, it’s okay. All the crap we went through is done with. I wasn’t very well. I just couldn’t seem to bring myself out of the pit I was in.

‘I couldn’t look out of the window and see the good things – the lambs playing or the green grass. My wonderful daughter. All I could see was a great thumping debt that I couldn’t see my way clear of and a huge gap left by the person I loved most in the world.’

‘Were you still grieving for Mikey, too?’

‘Mikey.’ Brian ran his hands over his face and suddenly seemed weary. ‘You know,’ he said softly, ‘I knew coming back was going to be difficult for you, but I didn’t consider how much it would affect me.’ He half smiled. ‘I suppose I had the benefit of knowing that I was alive – you didn’t.’ He was quiet for a while as he collected his thoughts, then he asked,‘How did you find out about him?’

Amanda explained about the photo and the date on the back.

‘I knew your mother had kept that photo – I didn’t know where it was though. Poor, poor little Mikey. Never a day went past that I didn’t feel the ute hit him. He didn’t make a noise you know – just a bump. Sometimes I would wake in the night feeling it again and again.

‘Helena tried to convince me that it wasn’t my fault, but it’s pretty hard not to blame myself – I was the one driving the ute, after all. She was an amazing woman, your mother.

‘You know, being out in the bush, alone with your thoughts, makes you see everything differently – more clearly, perhaps. I was finally able to accept that Mikey’s death was an accident – just like your mother’s death was an accident. It doesn’t mean I still don’t have regrets deeper than the river, but I can think of the two of them now without a crushing sense of despair and guilt.’

Amanda searched her father’s face. He looked so different. His hair was tied back in a long grey ponytail and an unkempt beard covered his face. But she could see that his face and his eyes were clear, that he was free of the fog of grief and guilt that had surrounded him.

‘Um, Dad?’Amanda took a deep breath.‘I don’t know how to ask this, but I need to know . . .’

Brian smiled his understanding. ‘Did I fall or jump? Mandy, I don’t know myself. You were lying there unconscious and suddenly I just snapped. I didn’t know how I would cope if you’d died too.

‘I drove back to the house and called the emergency services, then got a blanket and some cash that I kept in the house – at the time, I couldn’t even tell you why I did that.

‘I talked to you while I covered you with the blanket, tried to tell you how sorry I was for the way I’d behaved . . .’

‘I heard you,’ Amanda broke in.‘But I couldn’t speak. It hurt too much.’

Tears welled in Brian’s eyes. ‘I’m so pleased. I often wondered about that. I want you to know I was sorry. I hoped that as time went on you’d understand why I’d acted the way I had.

‘Anyway, I was waiting for the ambulance, standing by the edge of the river. I could say that I wanted to die so I didn’t feel any pain if you died, but I don’t think it’s that straightforward. I just felt myself falling towards the river all of a sudden, but I can’t tell you if I slipped or subconsciously made myself fall. The cold water was a shock. For a while I just let myself be taken by it, happy to think that it was all about to end. But suddenly I couldn’t breathe, there was water all around me, I was banging into things – trees, logs, rocks. I couldn’t get to the surface and I was terrified.’

Amanda could feel herself holding her breath as Brian described the scene – she could almost feel the rush of the water around her.

‘I knew then that I didn’t want to die. I fought my way to the surface and then tried to get out of the river. I ended up about eight kilometres down the river before I managed to get out. And when I did, I hitched the first ride I could find to the Nullarbor.

‘Sitting in the truck gave me plenty of time to think about what I could do, and by the time I got out at Norseman I knew how I was going to go about living a secret life.

‘I like the life I’m living now – I never want to come back to Esperance. Mandy, you’re going to have to understand that once I’ve told you what I’ve come for, you can never contact me again. I don’t want to be found. Of course I love you and miss you, and I think of you every day. And maybe one day I’ll pop up again. But not for a long time.’

Amanda swallowed as she took in what he was saying.

‘Dad I don’t want to lose you again – I was so wrong in a lot of the things I did – I’ve been wanting to tell you, to apologise for the way I behaved.’ Her voice rose and she spoke quickly, stumbling over words. ‘Did I make you leave? ’Cos if I did, I’m so sorry. Dad, please come back – I’ve missed you so much. Your letters weren’t nearly enough. Why didn’t you sign them? I did wonder if they were from you. I know you were grieving and I was as well. My way of dealing with things was different, I wanted to bury myself in work, not have to think, and by doing that I didn’t give you the space you needed to grieve. I’m
so sorry
.’ Amanda began to weep, all the guilt and sorrow that she had hidden away spilling out.

Brian reached across the table to hold her hand. ‘You didn’t make me leave. I went of my own accord. I’m sorry I can’t stay, but when I’m gone, once all the emotion has passed, you’ll understand why I can’t.’ Then he frowned.‘I haven’t sent you any letters though, Mandy. I’ve wanted to – I’ve written hundreds of them, but they’ve all gone into the camp fire.’

‘But I’ve got a letter from you every year since you left. Wait – I’ll get them.’ She wiped her face with her hand and raced to the bedroom, grabbed them from the wardrobe and ran back to the kitchen, suddenly frightened that he might be gone. She gave them to him and sat down.

Brian opened the first one and stared at it.Then the second and third and the fourth. ‘I didn’t send these, Mandy. I don’t know who did, but it wasn’t me.’

‘So it is someone having a go at me, then.’ She described some of the other strange things that had happened, finishing with, ‘But the police reckon there’s nothing they can do.’ She shrugged helplessly.

Brian sighed and stroked his beard. ‘I think the answer to all of that might be in this letter. There’s a hut down near the river – it was where my father started his farming life on Kyleena. I don’t think anyone remembers it’s there now, but I’ve kept it hidden for years.That’s where I’ve been sleeping the past few nights, trying to work out when was a good time to see you.’

‘I found that when I was walking through the bush! I’ve been trying to work out if it’s on our land or not.

‘And, I heard something when I went to shut the gate the other night. I thought it sounded like someone chopping wood, then I decided I was being stupid!’

Brian smiled.‘That would’ve been me and it was part of Kyleena’s land. Now my father wrote me this letter not long before he died – he wanted me to know the family skeletons so I could help prevent any deception in later years. Once I read it, I took it down there so it couldn’t cause anybody any hurt, but I saw a photo of you and Adrian in the social pages the other day, and I knew I had to come and give it to you. Read it carefully – once you’ve finished, you’ll know what to do. Now it’s time for me to go. Give me a hug.’ He stood and held out his arms and Amanda fell into them, starting to cry again. She wished he would stay, but knew she couldn’t make him.

After a tearful goodbye, Brian once again walked out of her life and Amanda watched until he vanished into the night.

Chapter 50

Michael spent long hours pondering Kathleen’s
death. He was convinced that it had something to do
with their relationship, but he couldn’t fathom what.
He had tried to glean information about Kathleen’s
past few years from the townsfolk without it being
obvious that he was searching for answers, but the
most he could come up with was that she had gone
to Kalgoorlie to stay with some relatives – health
reasons, apparently. No one knew if she had married
while in Kalgoorlie or why she had not returned to
Esperance. And then there was the question of the
little girl who had appeared at the boarding house
not long after the funeral. She was a pretty little thing,
the local gossips admitted. She looked like Kathleen,
with long hair and curls, but the parentage of the
child had never been discussed. That was not the sort
of thing one questioned.

It wasn’t until Thomas Cramm sought out
Michael long after the funeral that the reason
behind Kathleen’s death became clear. He was now
trying to put a plan in place to look after Kathleen’s
family without lying to Grace – or telling her the
full truth either.

Neither Grace nor Michael had returned to the
place near the river where Kathleen’s body had been
found. The hut was empty and they had agreed to
move the orchard. Neither of them wanted to visit the
area again.

Michael entered the makeshift abode in the end
of the shed and smiled as he saw Grace bending
over the stove. She was beautiful, and even though
she had struggled with this pregnancy, it suited her.

‘How are my two favourite women this morning?’
asked Michael as he shut the door against the
cool air.

Grace straightened and smiled. ‘Well one is still in
the land of dreams, for which I’m grateful. It’s given
me time to get the morning chores out of the way
and start the bread baking.’

‘Well if our little one is sleeping, now’s probably a
good time to raise something very serious I want to
discuss with you,’ Michael said.

‘Oh! Do I need to sit down?’ she asked, smiling
at him.

‘What would you say to deeding the land around
the hut and the river area to the Cramms? I know
neither of us wants to go down there anymore,
and I’m sure that it would be a very meaningful
site to them.’

Grace sat down slowly. ‘That’s some of the most
productive country.’

‘I know, but it’s low-lying land – we can’t grow
crops there or graze sheep if it’s wet. It’s really only
productive if it’s not a wet winter. Most years we
have much more rain than we need. And for their
sake, a peaceful setting, surrounded by the beauty
of the bush, is a much better memorial to Kathleen
than a headstone.’

‘You’re probably right. I have no thoughts of
returning to the area – I find it haunting knowing
that she spent her last night there. And the river, even
with all its beauty, is quite fearsome. The power it
holds when in flood sends chills down my spine. The
thought of someone willingly entering it is beyond
imagination – and what if one of our children
wandered off and fell in? Yes,’ she said decisively.
‘I think that to be rid of that area is a good idea.’

Michael didn’t let his relief show, but said, ‘I will
go in to Esperance some time over the next week
and see a solicitor to organise the transfer.’ He moved
forward and gave her a hug. ‘You are a remarkable
woman, Mrs Greenfield!’