Nothing Left to Lose (85 page)

I closed my
eyes and rested my head back on the sofa. “It’s over. She made me
leave,” I mumbled.

He seemed to
choke on air. “What the actual fuck? You two broke up?” he
gasped.

I shook my
head. I could probably tell him the truth now. It was official that
I was no longer her guard, I’d seen the transfer document, there
was no staying undercover after this. “We were never really
together. I was assigned to protect her; they wanted me undercover
as her boyfriend. We were never a real couple,” I admitted
sadly.

He made a
scoffing sound in the back of his throat. “Not together. What the
hell are you talking about? I saw you two, you were all over each
other. What do you mean you were undercover? I don’t get it.”

I rubbed my
aching eyes with my fists, willing my headache to subside.
“Officially, I was assigned as her near guard, her undercover
boyfriend, but we got close. I fell in love with her. I thought she
loved me too, but she just had me transferred away from her.”
Tiredness was trying to consume me, my words all seemed to jumble
into one, but somehow he understood me.

“Transferred?”

I nodded in
confirmation. “Yeah, I’m back in LA now.” My voice sounded
depressed even to my own ears.

“Why did she
have you transferred? You do something wrong? Tell me you didn’t
cheat on her. If you did, I’m gonna have to kick your ass for being
a fucking moron,” he raised one eyebrow in question.

“I didn’t
cheat,” I confirmed. “Everything was great, but then…” I swallowed,
not wanting to divulge all of the Carter stuff. Actually, I didn’t
even think I had the mental strength to explain it all to him
properly. “I’m going to bed. I can’t talk about this now. I’ll see
you in the morning.” I didn’t wait for an answer as I pushed myself
up and stalked towards my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

I flopped down
on my bed and pulled my phone out of my pocket, staring at it in
frustration when I saw no missed calls or messages from her sitting
there. She was killing me; the pain was unbearable. Suddenly an
idea occurred to me and my thumb swished through my contacts
quickly.

Maddy answered
on the second ring. I closed my eyes. “Hi, ma’am, this is Agent
Taylor. May I please speak to the President?” I asked
hopefully.

She sighed.
“Hi. Yes, absolutely. He’s been expecting a call from you,” she
replied.

I groaned. He
knew I’d call, which meant that he wasn’t going to change his
mind.

I was on hold
for a few seconds before he spoke. “Agent Taylor, I know what
you’re going to say. I’m sorry, but this is what Annabelle has
asked for, I can’t go against her wishes,” he stated, without even
saying hello.

My lungs
constricted. “I understand that, sir, but what with Carter being
out now and the letters… Sir, he’ll come after her, we both know
it. It’s not a matter of what she wants, it’s a matter of keeping
her safe,” I countered, trying to reason with his protective
parental instincts.

“I know, I
know. I’m not happy with this either, but she specifically asked me
for this, she said she needed it to happen. I don’t suppose you can
shed any light on the situation for me? Annabelle refused to give
me a reason,” he requested hopefully.

I sighed. I
didn’t even understand the reason myself, but I couldn’t tell him
about our relationship and that I ‘complicated things’ according to
her with my love sick puppy act. I refused to make things harder
for her on purpose. She wouldn’t want her parents to know how close
we had gotten, she was an extremely private person, and I respected
that about her.

“Not if she
doesn’t want me to, sir, I’m sorry. But please reconsider. I’m the
best one to protect her. Please let me keep her safe,” I
begged.

“I’m sorry,
son. Your new assignment should be what you want. If it’s not, then
let me know and I’ll arrange something else. I’ve put a glowing
recommendation on your file. I’m glad you called me because I
wanted to personally thank you for what you did for Annabelle. I’ve
honestly not seen her this happy in years. I’m just sorry it had to
be cut short.”

He wasn’t going
to change his mind, this was it, my last chance and he wasn’t even
close to helping me. I nodded. “Me too.” I swallowed the lump in my
throat. “If you need anyone to help with Anna’s safety at any time,
please let me know,” I offered.

“Will do, son,”
he replied as he disconnected the call.

The next few
days were the worst of my life. On top of the painful, gaping hole
that now resided where my heart used to be, the White House had put
out a public statement stating that I was nothing more than Anna’s
guard and that the relationship was fake. As soon as the statement
was released, reporters were hounding me for interviews everywhere
I went, taking photos and asking questions. I refused to answer
any, and after about a week it died down slightly.

I could barely
sleep, but when I did, I had nightmares about her calling for help
and I couldn’t reach her or couldn’t find her. Each time I would
wake up in a cold sweat and roll over to cuddle her, only to have
my heart break all over again when I remembered she wasn’t
there.

The only good
thing going on in my life was my job. I had my dream job: Front
Line. The Captain was extremely pleased to have me, and was majorly
impressed with my letter from the President. I fitted straight into
the team, and the job was everything I always thought it would be
and more. But each day was like my own private nightmare. All I
wanted to do was talk to her, hold her and keep her safe.

As the days
dragged into weeks, it got worse and worse. I hardly wanted to get
out of bed. Every night it would take me hours to fall asleep and I
would have awful nightmares about her, then I would wake every
single morning thinking she was there, only to remember and have to
start all over again. My life was a steaming pile of shit. I didn’t
want to go to work or even see my friends. Everything was just too
much effort.

What made it
worse was the date that approached. Anna’s birthday and the four
year anniversary of Jack being murdered. She was going to be in
pieces, I knew it, and I wasn’t there to help her or stop her from
attempting to take her life, like she had done for the last two
years.

While I waited
for the phone to connect, I stared down at the FedEx box on my bed
that I’d just finished wrapping. The address on the front was to
Anna, care of the White House PO Box address that was for personal
mail to the President. My heart sank. I wasn’t even sure she would
open it, but I had to try.

When Maddy
answered the call, I ran my hand through my hair. “Hi, ma’am, it’s
Agent Taylor. Do you think it would be possible to speak to the
President?” I asked glumly, flopping back and closing my eyes.

The click of
her keyboard told me she was checking his schedule. “He has a
couple of minutes before his next meeting, I’ll buzz you
through.”

“Agent Taylor,
you wanted to speak to me?” President Spencer asked politely when
he came on the line a moment later.

“Yes, sir.
Thank you for taking my call, I’m sure you’re busy,” I frowned up
at the ceiling. I hadn’t spoken to him since the day I was
reassigned, and I was surprised by how much resentment I felt
towards him because he’d sent me away from her.

“That’s okay,
son. What can I do for you?”

I ran my hand
through my hair. “Well, I have a birthday gift for Anna, and I
wondered if I would be able to send it over to you. I guessed that
she’s going to be spending her school break there with you.” My
frown turned into a scowl.

“Yes, she is.
Of course you can send it here, Agent Taylor. I’ll make sure she
gets it,” he replied kindly.

Now for the
hard bit, that I wasn’t sure how to word. “Thank you, sir. One more
thing. I just wanted to check that Anna won’t be left alone for her
birthday. I’m worried that she’ll…” I stumbled over my words and
took a deep breath. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that the day
is going to be hard for her. She promised me she won’t do that
again this year, but I’m still worried,” I admitted. I hadn’t been
able to get the thought of her killing herself from my head. She’d
promised me she wouldn’t, but did that still count, considering I
wasn’t there anymore?

He sighed. “I’m
worried too. We’re taking every precaution, and I have given her
guards strict orders not to let her out of their sight for a
moment. Annabelle’s stronger now, I don’t think she’ll try that
again,” he answered, sounding like he was trying to convince
himself at the same time as me.

I nodded. “Yes,
sir. Thank you,” I mumbled gratefully. His reassurances did help a
little; I trusted that he would do everything in his power to keep
her safe. “Can I ask how Anna is? I’ve tried calling her, but she
won’t even speak to me.”

He sighed
deeply. “She’s been here for three days now already, and she seems
to be coping alright. She’s a little quiet, but she always is
around us,” he answered. There was a moment of awkward silence
where he seemed to be choosing his words. “Look, I know you’re
concerned about her and I appreciate that, but if she doesn’t want
to speak to you, then maybe you should just stop trying to contact
her,” he suggested.

I gritted my
teeth. He was right; everyone had said the same thing – that I
should forget her and move on because she wasn’t going to change
her mind. But I just couldn’t. It wasn’t possible for me to move on
while there was still that small element of hope in my mind. When
she’d told me she didn’t love me, I didn’t believe her. Deep down,
I knew she had feelings for me, deep rooted feelings that she was
obviously terrified of and needed space and time to work out. This
Carter stuff just made her panic and the first defence mechanism
for her was to revert back to what she knew – the cold, hard Anna.
At least, that’s what I told myself. In reality, there was just no
getting over this girl, so hope was all I had.

“I’m sorry, I
shouldn’t have called you,” I muttered.

“I don’t mind
you calling. It’s nice that you care about my daughter. How about I
ask her to call you? I can’t promise anything, of course; Annabelle
has always been incredibly strong minded.”

I smiled.
Strong minded was an understatement when applied to that girl.
“Thank you.”

“By the way,
how’s the job going? I’ve heard some good things about you here,
you know,” he questioned, probably to change the subject.

I smiled sadly.
“It’s going good, thank you. It’s everything I thought it would
be,” I admitted, but the thing was, it just wasn’t what I wanted
anymore.

“That’s great.
With all the things I’ve been hearing about you, you’ll be running
the place soon,” he chuckled.

I smiled at his
compliment. “Not quite yet, I don’t think they’re ready for my
style of leadership quite yet,” I joked.

“I’ll bet. I’d
better go. Good to speak to you again, Agent Taylor.”

“Good to speak
to you again too, sir,” I replied, disconnecting the call.

A knock sounded
on my door, and moments later, Nate stuck his head in without
waiting for me to answer. “Alright? Want to go play a couple of
games of air hockey?” he asked, smiling sympathetically.

Nate had been
great for the last couple of weeks. I’d told him everything,
glossing over the whole Carter stuff with very minor details. He
really didn’t understand how I felt about Anna at all, but he was
trying to. He stayed in with me if I didn’t want to go out, was
understanding and sympathetic when I needed to talk about her, and
gave me space if I asked for it. He truly was the best friend a guy
could ask for. I nodded, standing up and picking up the FedEx
package I would mail on the way.

Two weeks after
Ashton left, it was school break. Before all of this happened,
Ashton and I had been talking through options for the vacation –
the one that seemed to be the winner was asking my parents if I
could go to LA with him. So the fact that I was at the White House
was now doubly hard for me. Dean and Peter both got the two weeks
off, so they dropped me with my parents and then headed off in
their separate directions to spend time with family.

My mom cooed
how lovely it was to have me home and how much she’d missed me
while she gave me a guided tour of the White House. I’d already
been once before, on the day of my father’s inauguration, but my
mother seemed content to show me around again – probably to pass
the time. She didn’t once mention Carter or his disastrous retrial,
or the fact that apparently my worst nightmare wanted me back
again.

My bedroom was
the blue one that I’d chosen on the first visit. As I stood at the
window, looking out over the beautiful grounds at the back of the
building, I couldn’t even bring myself to smile a real smile.
During the last two weeks, I’d become pretty adept at faking being
alright though. People didn’t realise how much pain I was feeling
inside, which I was grateful for. I was pretty sure that Dean had
an idea of my suffering, but thankfully he didn’t mention Ashton
anymore.

Staying here
for two weeks meant I would spend my twentieth birthday here too.
When I woke in the morning on March 12, I couldn’t stop the silent
tears that fell down my face. If there was ever a day that I
regretted sending Ashton away, it was today. Memories of Jack and
his death plagued me before I was even fully awake.

For the last
two anniversaries, the sadness had consumed me. I’d gotten
extremely intoxicated and I’d washed down a bottle of pills. This
year would be different. I’d promised Ashton that I wouldn’t ever
do that again, and, to be honest, I didn’t actually feel like that
girl anymore. When I was in that dark, depressed state, I couldn’t
see any point in living; I couldn’t see anything good in the world,
but knowing that there was someone like Ashton out there just made
the world a happier place for me. Yes, I was sad and lonely at the
moment, but I just wasn’t in that dark and depressed place anymore.
I
knew
that there was a point to life. Sure, my heart hurt
for Ashton, but I knew that he would be happy soon. I believed in
what I was doing. If I didn’t love him so much, I would’ve never
been able to push him away and put myself through this.