Not To Us (6 page)

“It’s great to see
you,
E. You look fantastic, yourself.” I grin at her and give her a hug leading with my good side as she settles into the seat right next to me with Emily and Mathew on my other side.

“Mind if I sit with you guys? I think my mom is coming with…Robert, well, to watch Nick play. Dad, too.”

Michael is coming?
Shit. I automatically smile, but my mind races at this news. I try to concentrate on the player warm-ups and note that Nick keeps glancing over at us. I’m getting concerned for his ability to concentrate on the game. I’m getting concerned for my own ability to concentrate on the game as my heart rate accelerates at the idea of seeing Michael.

It seems all of the Bainbridge community is attuned to my social life problems. There isn’t a face in the room over thirty that doesn’t glance my way, when Robert and Carrie walk into the gymnasium. It must be the official coming-out for them. I guess all have been invited to openly assess my reaction to this particular coupling. I provide a yeah-team smile for my gaping fans.

“Daddy’s here,” Emily says in a wistful tone. I sense her alliances being tested.

“Go ahead and sit with him and Carrie, if you want. You too, Mathew. I’m fine here.” I give them my best everything-is-going-to-be-okay smile.

“Are you sure?” Mathew asks in his most loyal voice.

“I’m absolutely sure. I know you miss him. Go be with him,” I say. “I’ll catch up to you after the game.”

Mathew and Emily scramble from their seats and settle in next to Robert and Carrie. I raise my hand in a semi-wave. Robert waves back with an uncertain look. Then, he rewards me with a smile. He might not love me, right now, but the man will always love his children. All of Bainbridge Island seems to breathe a heavy sigh of relief at my benevolence. I recline further in my seat, slowly remove my white leather jacket, and wince at the pain this action causes. Elaina sees this, grabs the other sleeve, and helps me off with the jacket.

“You are so cool,” Elaina says to me under her breath. I give her a quizzical stare. “Nick says it’s been pretty rough for you.”

“Well, I’m not made of stone,” I say with a slight laugh.

Elaina takes my hand and holds it in hers. “You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever known.”

I dig my nails into the palm of my free hand to keep from reacting to Elaina’s kind words because I’m almost ready to cry again.

Nicholas comes back over to us. “Mom, are you okay?” He inclines his head in the direction of Robert and Carrie and his siblings.

“Nicky, I’m fine. Babe, you need to focus on the game and quit worrying about me. I’m great,
really
, I am.”

“She’s great, Nick. Elaina and I will sit with her,” Michael says. The familiar cadence and thrumming of his deep voice is almost my undoing. It feels as if I’m being transported away from this loud crazy place just upon hearing it. A peculiar feeling of serenity settles over me. I look up at him as he sits right next to me. His right thigh rests against mine and I catch my breath at his touch.
Michael.

“Hey,” I say. I take in his blue eyes and his golden hair and clasp my hands together, so I don’t physically reach out to touch him. He smiles at me, as if he knows what I want to do. I watch in stunned amazement as the crinkles at the corner of his eyes come alive as he smiles down on me. I experience a flashback to college and the first day I met Michael Shaw and experience the same roiling sensation in seeing him again.

I’m fully aware the entire gymnasium is watching us, watching whatever this is between us unfold before them. “Hi,” I say. Then, I bite my lower lip to still its trembling. A nervous habit left over from my college freshman days.

“Hi.” He flashes me that white smile of his, blinding me with it. “You look fantastic, Ellen Kay.” My pulse races even faster as he uses my full given name.

Elaina is watching our exchange with unbridled enthusiasm, her wide grin giving her away. “Dad,” she says with a laugh. “Nick wants us to come over after the game. Can we do that?”

With this announcement, I falter. The forces are rising up against me faster than I can possibly keep up. I’m at a loss as to what to say, at this point. Nick has arranged a social event at our house. What’s the state of our downstairs at home? I don’t recall actually putting the groceries away from this morning, before I made my absolutely necessary escape to the Gene Juarez Spa. I can’t recall the status of the kitchen, the dining room or the living room, at this point. I’m incoherent, dealing with the panic of entertaining at our house and seeing Michael all in the same evening.

“Is that all right, Ellie?” Michael asks me in this silky voice.

“You’re both welcome to come over, but you’ll have to forgive me the mess, in advance,” I murmur. “I can’t actually remember what I got done today.”

Michael looks at me with this barely veiled, brazen look. The memory roars through me of how his lips feel on my body from our one and only time together. I close my eyes to suppress it, then open them again, and discover Michael watching me. He smiles wide as if he knows what I was just thinking about. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” I say with little conviction.

“Are you
sure
?” Michael teases.

“No.”

He and Elaina both laugh at my answer. I smile, shake my head, and take an unsteady breath.

I smile again and try to masking my uncertainty and better control my breathing.
In and out. Even breaths. Just breathe.

Elaina leans against me like she’s my daughter, while Michael touches my thigh with his from the other side. Nick scores one of the first baskets and we all cheer him on. I watch four quarters of basketball in a daze. I’m completely out of sorts, even as Nick’s team wins the game. Final score? Who knows?

Michael towers over me, now, standing up to stretch. I grab my jacket and he helps me put it on. It’s awkward for me, since I still favor my left arm. He gives me a strange look.

Elaina runs off to talk to Nick before he heads into the locker room. “We’ll see you guys at the house,” she calls back to us.

“She has a car,” Michael offers with sideways glance at me.

“You gave your sixteen-year-old daughter
a car
?” I can’t keep the incredulity out of my voice. He gives me a helpless look.

“Carrie’s idea,” he says. “With the divorce and all of that...”

“Of course.”

Emily has come back to us and throws her arms around Michael’s leg. “Hi Michael! It’s great to see you! It’s been a loooooong time.”

Leave it to Emily to point out the obvious without any sense of social consideration as to why it has been such a long time, since we’ve seen Michael.

“Hey, Em!” Michael easily picks her up and carries her along as we make our way down the bleachers to the gymnasium floor.

I glance over and realize Robert and Carrie are walking toward us with Mathew. I hesitate. This is a little more than I can take today, but, Michael pulls me along gripping my right arm.

Mathew runs run over to me. “Hey Mom. Did you see that final shot Nick took? It was amazing!” My peace-making child tries to dispel the awkwardness.

“I saw it; couldn’t believe it,” I say with forced enthusiasm.

Mathew laughs and goes to put his arm around my left shoulder, but when I cringe, he drops back. “Sorry, Mom.”

“It’s okay, babe.”

“I’m taller than she is,” Mathew says.

Michael nods, but he giving me this odd look again, while he still holds on to Emily, who has her arm wrapped around his neck.

All of the straggling Bainbridge community watches with baited breath as the fearsome foursome meet on the gymnasium floor. Robert seems unsure of how to proceed. I sense his hesitation. Robert is normally good at confrontations, but I think he sees the lines of support in my favor, as my youngest children and Michael rally around me.

Elaina and Nick make a quick turn in our direction as well. I’ve decided to ignore Carrie completely. She has really outdone herself today and I can’t take anymore. I do hand her a check written out for a $100 without comment. She takes it from me and I barely glance in her direction.

I look directly at Robert, now. He has done this to me and my look tells him this.

“Ellie, I’m sorry about the fiasco at Safeway,” Robert says. “I put $10,000 in the checking account, until we get things figured out.”

“Okay,” I say. Michael studies my face and I blush under his scrutiny and recalling the Safeway fiasco as Bobby put it. This is my final humiliation, well, not quite; my darling daughter has the last word on that.

“Carrie wants me to be the
flower girl
, when she and Daddy get married,” Emily says.

Michael looks stunned at this news. I feel bad I didn’t warn him. Elaina is apparently taken by surprise, as well.

“What?” Elaina asks as she and Nick walk up to us.

“Nice touch,
really
, Carrie, Robert. You two just continue to amaze us all,” I say with uncontrollable rage.

I turn and race toward the open gymnasium doors. I cannot make it to the SUV fast enough. My hands are shaking as I try and open the car door, but I’ve set off the car alarm instead. I stare in stunned amazement at my car as it makes this hideous screeching sound and flashes its lights. I start kicking the front tire with my strappy shoe. Pain shoots up my toes, but I just keep going.

Minutes later, Michael grabs the keys from me, undoes the lock, and gets the alarm to stop. He starts the car and I give up kicking the tire. In a daze, I watch Michael put a sobbing Emily in the backseat and strap her into her car seat. Elaina and Nick stand there watching me, while Mathew gets in the backseat from the other side. I observe it all from this faraway place.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” Michael says to me. “Nick, can you take my car to your house?” He throws the keys towards Nick. “Nice game, buddy.”

“Thanks, Michael,” Nick says. He turns to me because I’m just standing there, unmoving, it seems. “Mom, it’s going to be okay.” He touches my left arm and I cry out.

“See you at home, Nicky,” I say with a wan contrived smile. “Nice game, babe.”

“Thanks, Mom. Sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” I smile again, going for a reassuring state as I promised myself I would do earlier for my kids. “Be careful on the roads.”

“We will. I’m always careful,” he says with a grin.

I watch him and Elaina traverse across the parking lot toward Michael’s car and Elaina’s. Hers is a sporty white Jetta. It seems a little small and I shake my head and worry for a moment that Elaina even has a car, but then, I see them laugh and gesture to one another about who is going to follow who to the house; and I can’t help, but smile a little, just watching the two of them together.

The captain of our little ship, Dr. Michael Shaw, gives us a lifeline with his reassurance and solidarity. He calmly puts the car in gear and drives us away from the speculative crowd.

I appreciate Michael’s understanding about sharing in companionable silence for a few minutes, while I attempt to get it together for the sake of my kids. Weary by the turn of events of the day, I hold my head in my good hand for a few minutes striving for some semblance of control. Eventually I look up, blink back the tears, and glance into the back seat at Emily and Mathew.

“Hey you two, everything’s okay. No worries; all right? We’ll go home and have some dinner and celebrate Nick’s great game. Party on at the Bradford’s.” They both try to smile. “Hey, Em, there’s no problem with you being the flower girl; okay? Daddy should have just told everyone sooner, so we weren’t all so surprised, but, everything’s fine.”