Not To Us (2 page)

“I didn’t know how up to playing around you would be,” he says slowly. “I had to deliver the news that you have cancer. I’m referring you to another surgeon, now that we’re now involved.”

“Is that so? Are we just playing around?” My voice trembles.

Michael pins me beneath him. “Ellie, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve wanted this…
you
…for a long time.”

“So, why now?” I search his face for answers; guilt takes over.

“Because, now, you need someone more than ever. Someone who loves you more,” he says.

≈≈

I’m sitting in my own silver Mercedes SUV waiting for my two sons, Nicholas and Mathew, feeling the after effects of sex with another man other than my husband and the news that I have breast cancer
—
all in the same day.
Can things get any more surreal?
My cell phone rings.
It’s Carrie.
Yes. They can get even more surreal.

“Hey,” I answer.

“Hey, Ells. How are you?” Carrie’s voice sounds guarded and distant. Something I had begun to notice in the last three weeks, now, that I was in the loop on her affair with Robert.

“I’m good.” I glance at myself in the rearview mirror and see myself smiling. How is this possible between breast cancer and what I now know to be true about Robert and Carrie? I think of Michael. I’ve missed something Carrie has said.

“I’ve got to go.” I end the call as Carrie’s talking in mid-sentence. She calls me back and I power my cell phone off. I am all powerful now and laugh out loud in the car’s waiting silence.

≈≈

My favorite time of the evening is here. Dinner is over
—
a somewhat harried affair, since I live with mostly boys ages thirty-eight, sixteen, and thirteen, and only one five-year-old girl. As the guys talk sports, I am fast becoming ignored. We are at the beginning of basketball season. My adorable eldest son, Nicholas, a replica of his father with dark wavy brown hair and grey eyes, is playing on the junior varsity high school basketball team.

Bainbridge Island is a small community. Elaina Shaw, Carrie and Michael’s daughter, is a junior in high school just like my son. I am aware that Nicholas has developed something beyond friendship with Michael and Carrie’s daughter. I am not supposed to be aware of it, but I, most definitely, am.

I watch Nick as he slyly takes his cell phone off the charger and heads to his room, knowing he’s intent on calling Elaina. I smile, as he moves past me with this innocent, nonchalant look, but I am not fooled.

Mathew lags behind. He vies for dad’s attention, while Robert moves away from him with concentrated determination toward his home office, calling out that he needs to finish up a brief in preparation for his day in court tomorrow.

At the dining room table, my five-year-old, Emily, is busy drawing a picture of a cat. She looks up and gives me an inquisitive look, then goes back to her artwork. I clear the rest of the table and load the dishwasher humming to myself, enjoying the façade of normalcy. I’m taking it all in, as if to etch it into my memory. In my fantasy of how things will be, I envision the four of them functioning just fine without me.

We could easily put the additional household chores that I perform each day on to Mrs. Sanchez, increase her responsibilities along with her salary. I am easily replaced. I determine all of this in a swift moment of clarity, as I make subtle observations of my little family tonight.

Then, more troubling thoughts flash at me. I think of Carrie and Robert and of Carrie being a stepmother to
my children
. Neither of these thoughts put me into a good place. I begin to lose it. The earlier tranquillity dissolves and panic sets in.
I have cancer. I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m replaceable.

My cell phone rings. It’s Michael.

“I’m on my way home. I wanted to make sure you’re okay. Have you told him?”

“No.”

“You should.” I hear the hesitation in Michael’s voice. It makes me uneasy. “Ellie, I feel bad about earlier. We should have waited.”

“Why?” I sound desperate. Of course, Michael doesn’t know what I’ve been going through tonight, seeing my home life go on without me, if breast cancer takes my life.

“It’s not that I wanted to wait, it’s just that you have so much deal with right now. It’s not fair for me to…tell you…to show you how I feel.”

“How do you
feel
?”

“I feel like I’m finally with the love of my life,” he says gently.

I’m taken aback by what he’s said. I wipe away the tears gathering at my lashes. “Michael, I…” Mathew comes into the kitchen and gives me a questioning look. “Who are you talking to, Mom? Are you
crying
?”

“Can’t talk right now,” I say with hesitation. “But I did
hear
what you said and I…”

“Can’t talk right now,” Michael echoes.

“Right.” I sigh. “Mathew’s here. I should go.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, during the day around 11:00 or so. I’ve got a call into Josh Liston. He’s the best surgeon, besides me,” Michael says with a hesitant laugh. “Ellie, you’re not alone in this. I’m right here.”

“I know.

“You’re not going to tell him; are you?”

“Not tonight. I’ve got to go. Thanks…thanks for calling me.”

“Ellie…I have more to say,” Michael says.

“Me, too.” I end the call, lock the phone, and look over at my middle child. This combination of joy over Michael, fear over cancer, and misery over Robert and Carrie takes over.
How can I feel all of these emotions at the same time?

“Mom, are you okay?”

I see the sudden look of concern in Mathew’s eyes. He is the sweetest child, even now, when he pulls away from me more all the time.

“I’m fine, honey. Everything’s fine. Do you want some ice cream?” I open the freezer door and hide behind Viking’s finest and wipe my eyes again.

“I’m not a baby anymore, Mom. Something’s wrong. Why won’t you tell me?”

“There’s nothing wrong, Mathew. Everything’s fine.”

I close the freezer door and give him a ready smile. I’m just making it up as I go at this point.

“That’s what you always say. Is it because of Carrie? Is that it? There’s something going on between Dad and Carrie isn’t there?”

He is an exact replica of me with blonde hair and intense blue eyes. Right now, his nose is crinkled at the bridge as he stares at me. I see disappointment in his features, too, and hold my breath as I gaze at him. How does he know these things? How could he have seen this, when I didn’t even see what was going on?

“What do you mean?” I ask him, carefully, now.

“It’s nothing.” His face becomes indifferent.

Robert has taught him so well. My son is well on his way to treating all women with this…apathy, me included. I feel my failure of him and start to cry.

“I know what’s going on with your father and Carrie,” I say through my tears. I see the surprised look come across Mathew’s face as I cross the kitchen and stalk towards Robert’s office, dabbing at my face as I go. Mathew follows me; I start to check myself and wonder if this is the best way to approach this, but I’m done pretending that everything is okay.

“I need to talk to you,” I say to Robert.

“Babe, I’ve got to get this brief done.” Robert barely glances up from his laptop to look at me. I stare at him in frustration.

“Bobby, it’s important,” I say with an edge to my voice.

“Ellie, I’ve got to get this brief done.”

“Right.”

I look at my husband for a full minute and take in his handsome face. His dark brown hair and steel-grey eyes have always been what I love best about him, but as he looks away from me, I feel this sudden hatred for him that I have never felt before. Rage builds inside of me, too. Instead of saying anything more, I just turn and race out of the room up the stairs.

“Mom!” Mathew yells after me.

I turn at the top of the stairs and look at my son.

“Are you okay?” he asks. He climbs the stairs two at a time and comes to stand next to me.

“I’m fine.” I pull him into my arms even though he is now taller than me by a good three inches and hug him tight. “I love you Mathew. Never forget that.”

Mathew hesitates as if he has more to say, but he goes to his room telling me he has homework to do.

≈≈

Robert noisily climbs the stairs and enters our master bedroom. It’s after eleven and I lie awake in the dark. He takes his time in the bathroom and eventually slides into bed next to me.

Hot tears slide down my face in the darkness. When did the love between us die? When did we become complete strangers? We started out so well together and now it’s all gone. The loss of us washes over me in fresh waves of sorrow and regret. I’m sure Robert felt the loss of us, too, at some point, although he has Carrie now. He’s moved on and probably doesn’t even miss us. Maybe, he doesn’t even see us, anymore. My bitterness is sudden and profound. And, I hold my breath to keep from crying out.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Robert asks now, reaching out to me.

I let my breath out slowly. “It’s not important.”

“I’m sorry, Ells…it’s been hard lately. There’s a lot of pressure at work…to keep the billings up. You know how it is.”

I have heard this excuse so many times I give him the expected answer. He reaches for me, again, but I turn away from him.

“Come on, Ellie.”

If I didn’t know what I know about him and Carrie and if I hadn’t been with Michael earlier in the day, I would give in. Tonight, I pull away from him. Ten seconds later, I slide out of bed and head to the guest room and lock the door behind me.

“Ellie!” Robert calls out in anger on the other side of the door. “You
can’t
be serious.”

At his noisy reaction, I jerk open the door and pull him inside and shut it. My own fury surges. “Let me tell you how
serious
I am, Bobby. I know about Carrie, you son of a bitch!
I know.
I saw you together three weeks ago at the Four Seasons.
I know
. Okay? Please stop treating me like some fool that doesn’t have a clue as to what’s going on.”

Robert sinks into the chair by the bed. He puts his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a weary voice.

“Since the Grand Canyon trip? Was I that bad of a wife for you, Bobby? Was it so hard for you to love me? And, then, it had be
Carrie
?”

“It just happened.”

“Yeah, it’s so easy. It just
happens
.”

I think of Michael and what we did this afternoon. Guilt overtakes me. I think of my marriage to Bobby
—
eighteen years of life together. Bobby and me. All gone, just like that.

“I’ll end it. I’ll end it, now. I’ll tell her it’s over. I don’t want to lose you, Ellie.”