Not Alone: Trusting God to Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home (20 page)

Oh, such a bittersweet moment for me. Nostalgic that my little boy no longer believes in Santa Claus, happy and relieved that the same little boy is starting to understand what it means to know Jesus, but oh so sad that an eight-year-old boy has to wrestle with the complex concept of his daddy’s salvation. Lastly, so very grateful that God has been working on my little boy’s heart without a lot of help from me and despite a dad that cannot allow himself to believe in the same things we do. It’s these small slices of time that I pray and prepare for.

One of the most difficult questions my daughter Leslie asked me was in regard to her cancer. Before her diagnosis, we’d spent a great year together doing homeschooling and helping her overcome her depression. She felt good, was on the right track and for the first time in her life was excited about starting school—high school. When the school year started, she made friends fast and finally seemed to be coming into her own. We all thought the worst was behind us.

Then the headaches set in, and we were soon on the fast track to a diagnosis of a malignant brain tumor, then to surgeries and treatment. Leslie’s bright start fizzled into spinning chaos.

One day in the car, on one of our many trips between home and the doctor’s office, the toughest question she ever asked me came:

“Why did God let this happen to me?”

I’d made peace with this question myself, but I’d had multiple years to walk with God and to come to understand His character and the truth of Roman 8:28. How could I pour all that had taken me years to learn into one simple answer to help my little girl?

I prayed. I prayed hard. Above all I wanted my words to reassure her that she would be okay. I wanted her to understand the truth of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The first thing I shared with her was the truth of Romans 8:28, that God works in all things for our good and to bring good from them. I told her that just as she had overcome her depression, with God’s help she would overcome this too. In many ways her battle with depression had strengthened and prepared her for the battle that now lay before her. She clung to Philippians 4:13 as her life verse. Today I look at my daughter and see that this Scripture is the truth of her life—that all she has overcome she has done through Christ who continues to strengthen her.

How we look at the trials, challenges and discomforts of life will directly affect the way we walk through them, and how we walk through them will directly educate our children. Our trials, challenges and discomforts are purposed or repurposed by God for our good.

And the fruit of one trial becomes the strength of the next.

Give Yourself and Your Child a Break

Sometimes our greatest challenge as moms is realizing we can’t fix things—and we can’t “fix” our children. For me this battle waged during the worst times of my daughter’s depression. I would pray and beg God to change her, fix her, heal her— anything I could think of. Yet the battle raged on.

My prayers began to change to, “Lord, help me be the mother Leslie needs right now. Give me the strength to walk through this day with her.” My dear friend, there were times when I honestly didn’t know how to go on and could only pray, “Lord, I have nothing left. Today it has to be all You.”

God never failed to show up and to give me the strength I desperately needed to love my daughter through her ordeal. He taught me that a hope placed in Jesus never fails and that as overwhelming as our situation was at the time, it wasn’t the complete picture—just a small slice of the big picture that would soon change. Over time we started to have more good days than bad, and my hope for my daughter to have a normal life and a future burst within me like the seed of a flower soaked in the first spring rains.

I know that in the deepest places of pain we forget there is life beyond the dark place we are in. There is always a place of light and hope with God, even in the middle of our darkest storms. My precious friend, for your sake and for your child’s, don’t let this affliction, this trial, this challenge be the definition of you and your child. Take a break; breathe and laugh. As much as you need a break, your child probably does too. Do something fun.

To this day one of my daughters’ fondest memories was of a sock fight. We were living in Europe, the girls were struggling to adjust to the culture, and language and life had become just plain hard. I walked into my bedroom with a basketful of folded laundry and heard my girls playing above in the loft.

Those pairs of balled-up socks just beckoned to be tossed. So I tossed them. Soon every pair of socks that my husband owned became fuzzy missiles thrown back and forth as in a snowball fight. We all needed a break from our struggle. We needed to laugh and remember what laughter felt like. We needed to love each other.

There is no stronger force on this earth than God’s love. That love arrived in a small swaddled bundle over 2,000 years ago, took 33 years to season and prepare and then exploded beyond human understanding in a moment in time that none of us will ever forget.

He is our truth, He is our life, He is our hope. God’s love. Our Jesus.

Treasure the Moments

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting
away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our
light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal
glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on
what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is
temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 CORINTHIANS 4:16-18

One of the greatest lessons I learned through my daughter’s depression and cancer ordeals was the importance of moments— moments that came suddenly and unexpectedly into our ongoing situation and stood out significantly because they were full of God’s love and hope.

When we face ongoing challenges and trials, we run the danger of seeing only what is in front of us—our world becomes defined by our situation. The danger in this is that we risk missing those moments when God shows up (even in a sock fight!). We miss that moment of laughter when we didn’t think laughter was possible. Or the hug from a spouse you didn’t think loved you anymore. Or the first glimmer of repentance in a wayward teen who is desperate to be loved.

The way we walk through the trials and challenges of life, whether they are our own or our children’s, directly affects our kids. If our children can see that our hope is planted firmly in Jesus during these times, they will learn to follow our example. Dare I say that this may be one of the most crucial lessons we ever pass on to our children, since this is a life skill they will need as adults?

Will you help your children to be the house built on the solid foundation that will remain standing through the storm (see Luke 6:48)? Or will they be the waves blown to and fro by the winds of doubt?

Listen in on this precious mom’s story of victory and restoration as she walked with her daughter through the aftermath of an abusive and traumatic marriage:

I have been seeing this family counselor for a few weeks now. I am not sure if she is a Christian or not—she was “appointed” to me by the police for free. My daughter and I got 10 sessions each. Anyway, I saw her several times, and then about two weeks ago she saw my daughter for the first time. The counselor spent an hour talking with my daughter about our situation as my daughter drew things for her. So I was very anxious today to find out what the counselor had found out about how my daughter was doing in light of our divorce.

The counselor said, “Elizabeth has a very solid foundation.”

I was thinking,
Wow, I bet she does. Her foundation is in Christ.

Then the counselor said, “Elizabeth has a very steady energy about herself.”

That’s the Holy Spirit working in her.

“Elizabeth has been exposed to trauma, but she has not been traumatized by it.”

She has been in the fire, but she has not been burned (remember Daniel).

“She is like a little boat in the middle of the storm that has been able to float through the storm, yes, through the waves and the wind, but because she has this solid center, she has been able to stay afloat until the storm has calmed down.”

Amen; I have heard this story somewhere else.

Then the counselor said, “Continue taking her to church.”

Oh, yes, I will!

“Let her pray for her dad, because it is a very positive flow of energy for her.” Oh, yes, it is indeed!

The counselor also said that I am doing exceptionally well and don’t need any more counseling, and neither does my daughter. Thank God!

I thought it was great to hear her feedback in all these psychological and worldly terms that she was using that yet so powerfully reflected the work of God and the Holy Spirit in our lives. It was like God showed up and opened my eyes to yet even more things that He has done for me without my even realizing it.

Joni Erickson Tada once said, “Faith isn’t the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It’s simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step.” Just take the next step, my dear friend, and trust God for the rest. I promise, He won’t disappoint you.

Discovery

My dear fellow mom, thank you for walking through this chapter with me. I think this was the most emotional one, because it tapped some tender areas in my heart. I pray with the depths of my love for you that it brings you comfort and hope. We need that in our rough times, don’t we? Especially when our child’s struggle is ongoing. Take heart, my friend. God is with you all the way. He knows your needs and will take care of you.

1. Take your time looking up these Scriptures, and let them settle into your heart. Use more than one translation if it will help you get an even deeper understanding of what and who our hope is. Jot down next to each verse what you want most to remember.

Jeremiah 29:11:

Isaiah 40:31:

Psalm 25:4-5:

Romans 5:5: