North Pole Reform School (7 page)

“And what do you do when you’re there, Joe?”

“Well, I make myself at home. They’ve got a big fancy TV, so
I watch the sports channel with a beer on the couch. Their couch is much comfier
than mine, so it’s only fair that I make the most of it.”

“And you drink?”

“Well, it would be rude not to. He’s spent so much money on
food and booze that it would be a shame to let it go to waste, so I do my best
to drink it all. Only to help him out, you see.”

“And do you buy presents for the family?”

“Of course I do. What do you think I am, some kind of
selfish loser?”

“What do you buy for them, Joe?”

“I’m thinking of stopping actually. Ungrateful buggers, the
lot of them. Last year I got my niece this lovely big doll thing, Barbie I
think it was, and she just looked at me like I was an imbecile. And my nephew,
I got him a train set, the kind my brother and I had when we were kids, and he
turned his nose up and said, ‘gee thanks, that will come in handy.’”

“Why don’t you tell everyone how old your niece and nephew
are, Joe?”

“God, I don’t know. The boy is probably the same age as Elf
Boy over there—yes, he’s just started college I think, and the girl is, I
dunno, twenty-something maybe.”

I can’t help but laugh. No wonder they weren’t very
impressed with their presents.

“And what did you buy for your brother’s wife?”

“Last year I got her a voucher for a makeover—God knows she
needs all the help she can get—and I got my brother a big bottle of scotch. He
doesn’t like scotch, but I didn’t mind helping him drink it. I don’t like to go
there empty-handed, I know better than that.”

“Tell us more about what you do when you’re there, Joe?”

“Where is this going? Are you trying to tell me I ruin their
Christmas by being there?”

“It’s not by being there, Joe. It’s by being completely
thoughtless and selfish in your actions.”

“I’m not thoughtless or selfish at all. I just like to wind
them up a bit. The niece is way too uptight and impossible to have a joke with.
I try to make light of her boobs, but she’s just so bloody sensitive. One year
she even told her dad I was sexually harassing her, and all I’d said was that
she might like to tighten her bra before she gave herself a backache. Even
offered to tighten it for her, just to help out like, being the gentleman I
am.”

This time it’s Luke who bursts out laughing. “So just to
reiterate, you go to their house, install yourself on the sofa with the sports
on, get drunk, harass your niece and nephew with inappropriate comments, and
buy them gifts that are either really for you or that you haven’t thought about
in the slightest. Yes, you’re a real catch aren’t you, Joe?”

“Watch it, Elf Boy,” Joe threatens.

“Joe, do you really not see anything wrong with this
picture?” Tinsel asks him.

He shrugs. “If they don’t want me there then they shouldn’t
invite me, should they? I wouldn’t be offended if they didn’t, but I don’t want
to offend them by not going.”

“But isn’t it nice to be surrounded by your family over the
holidays?”

“You clearly haven’t met my brother,” Joe says.

Tinsel rolls her eyes and makes a sound of frustration.

“Now that we all know why we’re here, this is where the hard
work begins. You may not like the idea now, but during your stay here you will
learn that your actions can change other people’s lives. You have all changed
someone’s, perhaps multiple someones, Christmases for the worse, and you are
here to make up for that.”

Joe goes to protest, but Tinsel holds the candy-cane wand up
as a warning and he’s quiet again.

“You will learn how much work we elves put into making your
Christmases happy and why it is not okay for you to ruin it. You will learn how
and why Christmas means so much to people, and even if you don’t like it
yourselves, why other people enjoy it. And who knows, maybe you’ll all end up
like Mistletoe’s dad and turn out to enjoy Christmas so much you even name your
daughter after it.”

“They named me that because they had their first kiss under
the mistletoe at a Christmas party, and when I was born on Christmas Eve, they
thought it was an omen or something.” I blush as I tell them the story. “It
would have been nice if they had thought of me having to deal with it for the
rest of my life.”

“It’s a lovely name,” Tinsel says. “We elves all have festive
names. It helps to bring us Christmas cheer.”

“Not everybody wants Christmas cheer all year round,” I
mutter.

“Where’s Elf Lords-A-Leaping then?” Luke asks. “How about
Elf Brussels Sprout?”

After we go to the dining hall for lunch—Christmas cake and a
candy cane, and the elves playing “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on the
piano, Tinsel announces that we can have the rest of the afternoon off. “You
can all relax and enjoy some Christmas films.”

We aren’t allowed outside.

“Remember, you should get yourselves a good night’s sleep.
Tomorrow will be the start of some hard work for all of you.”

“It’s work for elves, so how hard can it be?” Joe snorts.

“Just for that, Joe, we’ll make sure yours is extra hard. We
elves might be small, but we are capable of a huge workload. Your schedules
will be delivered in the morning, and we will meet you at eight o’clock sharp
for breakfast and assignments. Any questions?”

“What’s for breakfast? Advent calendars?” Hugo asks.

“Candy canes generally, we elves eat a lot of candy canes. I
expect Mrs Claus can rustle up some cookies for you if you insist on being
awkward though.”

“Maybe we aren’t the ones being awkward,” Luke says.

“Glad to see you’ve inherited your grandfather’s snark as
well as his ears, Mr Wyatt,” Tinsel tells him. “Any
proper
questions?”

No one says anything.

“Don’t walk barefoot on a cactus,” Navi says as Wenceslas
lets us into the building.

CHAPTER 10

It’s the sound of Shakin’ Stevens that rips through
the building the next morning. Admittedly it’s not as bad as the Slade wakeup
alarm of yesterday, but it still blares so loudly the bed shakes.

When I eventually will myself to go out of the room, Luke is
standing by the door reading a sheet of paper.

“Here.” He comes over and hands me an envelope with my name
on it. “Our schedules. They were pushed under the door overnight.”

Joe is sitting on the sofa, Hugo is still in his room, and I
can hear the shower running in the bathroom, so I assume that’s where Emily is.

The music is still blasting out, giving me a headache,
giving
everyone
a headache if the look on Joe’s
face and the way Luke is wincing is anything to go by. The same song is on an
infinite loop.

“If anyone thinks this is the way to get us to like
Christmas, they are sorely mistaken.”

It seems to take forever, but the music finally goes off
when Hugo leaves his room and Emily comes out of the bathroom.

We all sit on the sofas as Luke hands them their envelopes
too.

I open mine and inside is my schedule.

Mistletoe Bell

North Pole Reform School

Day One:

8.00: Breakfast

9.00: Kitchen Duty

13.00: Lunch

14.00: Reindeer Duty

18.00: Dinner

“How come we only get a one-day schedule?”

“I assume they’re doing it day by day,” Luke says. “Maybe
you get time off for good behaviour or something.”

“Or maybe they just don’t want us to see what nasty
surprises they have in store for us,” Joe says.

“Are your schedules all the same or are we doing different
things?” I ask.

“Mine says N and N Duty for this morning and Toy Packaging
for this afternoon,” Joe tells us.

“I’ve got Post Office Duty this morning and Toy Making this
afternoon,” Emily says.

“Me too,” says Hugo.

“I’m on Kitchen Duty this morning and Reindeer Duty this
afternoon,” Luke says.

“Me too,” I tell him.

“Figures they’d put you two together,” Joe mutters.

“Leave it out, Joe,” Luke tells him.

“They put Hugo and me together too,” Emily says.

“Hmm, how interesting, Joe. They put you on your own,” Luke
says. “Glad they can see no one in their right mind would put up with you for
long.”

“You wanna watch yourself, Elf Boy,” Joe threatens.

“Stop it, you two, please,” Emily says. “Why don’t you all
go and get dressed so we’re not late for breakfast?”

“Oh yay,” Luke says sarcastically. “I can’t wait to get
dressed up in this awesome elf costume.”

It’s ten minutes to eight when we hear the door click as
it’s unlocked.

“Someone opened the door,” Joe yells from his
almost-permanent spot on the sofa.

Personally I feel a little glimmer of hope that maybe
someone is getting us out, but really I know it’s just because it’s breakfast
time.

“Right, quick, before we leave, everyone remember what I
said before, keep your ears and your eyes open, okay?” Luke says.

“You shouldn’t have any trouble keeping your ears open,
should you, Elf Boy?” Joe asks.

I see Luke clench his teeth and ball his hands into fists.

“C’mon, everyone, let’s just go,” Hugo says. “I’m starving.”

We all file down the stairs. I watch Luke giving Joe the
evil eye as he passes.

Wenceslas is still sitting behind the desk at the bottom of
the stairs, looking like he hasn’t moved an inch. I wonder if he stays there
all night.

Tinsel and Navidad are waiting outside the doors when we
push them open. It’s cold outside, and the sky is bright but it’s still
snowing. The street lamps have gone out now but the Christmas lights and
decorations are still twinkling away.

“Good morning, all,” Tinsel says cheerfully.

“Morning.” Navi greets us too. “Never throw an angry cat
straight up.”

“Morning,” everyone mumbles.

“Are you always so cheerful at this time of day?” Joe asks.

“We’re elves,” Tinsel says, like that’s her answer for
everything. “We’re cheerful at any time of day.”

“Speaking of cheerful,” Luke says. “Can we talk about your
choice of alarms? If I have to hear “Merry Christmas Everyone” again, I’m going
to kill myself.”

“No killing at the North Pole, dear boy,” Navidad says.

Luke narrows his eyes at Joe. “He’s getting off lightly
then.”

“Up yours, Elf Boy. We all know you already killed
someone—that’s why you’re here.”

“Fuck you. It’s not my fault he’s dead, Joe, so go and—”

Tinsel holds up her candy-cane wand and it lets out a bang,
firing streams of coloured paper into the sky like a party popper.

“What the buggering hell was that?” Joe asks.

“That was a stop fighting and be nice to each other or the
next time this goes off it won’t be facing towards the sky,” Tinsel says
sweetly. “Now if you’d all like to follow me to the dining hall, breakfast will
be served. I’ve had Mrs Claus make a batch of cookies for you, seeing as none
of you seem to appreciate candy canes like we do.”

She sounds morally offended by this.

“About the alarm clock…,” Hugo says to Tinsel quietly as we
walk.

“It will be different tomorrow,” she tells him.

There are a few elves around, and all of them seem to be
heading towards the dining hall like we are. When we get there, the scene is
very similar to last night. The same two elves are still on the piano inside
the door, murdering “Fairytale of New York” this time. I wonder if they’re
employed solely to sing at meal times. For that job, you would have thought
they’d employ elves who can actually sing.

Tinsel and Navi lead us over to the table we had last night
and we all sit. It doesn’t take long before the elf waiters are back, and this
time, instead of individual plates, we are presented with one plate piled high
with cookies and placed in the middle of the table. Christmas cookies. In the
shape of trees and snowmen, covered in green and white icing respectively.

“I can’t eat those,” Emily says. “Too much sugar for this
time of the morning.”

“Mrs Claus doesn’t have time to cater to your every whim,
Emily,” Tinsel tells her, tucking into her own plate of candy canes.

“Besides, sugar is good for you,” Navi says. “Did you know
it’s the number one source of body energy? And you’ll need your energy for your
first day of work.”

Emily rolls her eyes but takes a cookie anyway. I take a
Christmas tree and Luke takes a snowman. I can’t help but watch as he seems to
get great pleasure out of biting the head off first.

“Can we get something decent on that TV in our room?” Joe
asks. “I get what you’re trying to do, but seriously—it’s not even funny.”

“Your TV gets all the North Pole channels, Joe. If you don’t
like the movies, you can always press the red button for a nice selection of
Christmas music.”

“I’ve heard more than enough bloody Christmas music for one
day and it’s barely eight o’clock in the morning.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Navi says. “You may even start to
enjoy it.”

“You know what I’d really enjoy? Some human channels on my
TV. No more of this bloody elf nonsense, I want to watch the football.”

“I’m afraid we don’t get reception for any other channels up
here, Joe.”

“Told ya,” Hugo says.

“How come some of us have the same schedules and Joe is on
his own?” Emily asks the elves.

“You have met Joe, right?” Luke says.

I can’t help but grin.

“Be nice, Luke,” Navidad warns. “Emily, some of the jobs are
two-person work, and sometimes it’s just nice to have a bit of company. We
broke up the schedules with who we thought would get on the best. You never
know, you might even make some new friends.”

“Apart from Joe, but who’d want to be friends with him?”
Luke asks.

“Shut up, Elf Boy. I have loads of friends. At least I don’t
have to hide my ugly ears under a hat to look normal.”

“At least I
can
hide my ears.
You aren’t lucky enough to be able to hide your personality.”

“Boys, please,” Navi says. “Try to get along. Put your
differences aside and have some Christmas cheer.”

“I’ve had enough Christmas cheer, thanks,” Luke says. “I
just want to go home.”

“Work hard and you’ll be home sooner than you think,” Tinsel
tells him.

Once breakfast is deemed to be over, the elves gather us
outside.

“Right, Luke and Mistletoe, you’re going to the kitchens.
It’s the building down there with the gorgeous smells and the smoking chimney.
You can’t miss it. Mrs Claus is expecting you. Emily and Hugo—if you’ll follow
me, I’ll take you to the post office, and Joe, you can go with Navi to the N
and N headquarters.”

“What if we don’t want to? What if we just refuse to do
anything?” Joe asks.

“We have ways and means of making sure you do as you’re
asked,” Tinsel says. “Now, is everyone okay with that?”

No one responds.

“I’ll take that as a yes. We’ll meet you all back here at
one o’clock sharp for lunch, all right?”

Everyone mumbles in agreement and starts moving.