Nobody Knows (25 page)

Over the next three weeks, many things happened:

• I took a leap of faith, and told Jason I would sing Drew’s song.

• Mack came to my flat twice a week to help me learn
Nobody Knows
, and practice with his guitar.

• Lucy was so excited I’d agreed to Jason’s plan, she called me every two days to check I was still going through with it.

• Jason spent my visiting time with him telling me everything would be fine, and making sure all was in place for my performance to go smoothly.

• Drew started going to counselling sessions at the rehab centre to help him and Jason try to work through their problems.

That was my favourite part of the weeks leading up to my big performance. According to Jason, Drew wasn’t entirely happy about going to therapy, but he cared enough to try, and after everything, I was proud of him for making the effort.

It was Drew’s strength that helped me reach my decision about singing for him. If he could push through the pain to get his relationship with Jason back on track, I could battle my nerves to show him how much he meant to me. I
would
. Being apart from didn’t get any easier. In fact, every day of those three weeks seemed to drag me down more. Having something to work towards was the only thing keeping me going when all I wanted was to hole myself up in my room and torment myself for the mistakes I made. I needed Drew to know how sorry I was, and maybe take away some of the misery I knew he felt. Whatever happened afterwards, he had to know I was sorry.

The night of Razes Hell’s comeback gig was hotly anticipated around town. It wasn’t exactly a homecoming, because they’d barely hit the big time before everything crashed and burned; that was the word used in the local newspapers. The people of St. Ives, especially those with invites, were buzzing about the first live performance since Jason left rehab, and even with my nerves building, I couldn’t wait to see them back on stage where they belonged.

Amongst the people on the guest list were the band members’ families and closest friends, a bunch of local fans the guys knew because they
always
came to their hometown shows - including Natalie the nurse. A few workers from the rehab centre also blagged invitations, and finally, members of the local press. No nationals had been invited in. Derek made it clear no videos were to be taken at the show, only photos; partly because the band wanted to keep the show on a small scale, and partly to protect me from having my stage debut posted on YouTube – a consideration I was supremely grateful for.

“Oh God.” I shook my hands and jumped up and down to use up some of the nervous energy pumping through my veins. “I think I might throw up.”

Lucy giggled. “Ellie, stand still. You’re making
me
anxious!”

We were hiding in the toilets of the only pub in town big enough to host the event, and people wandered in and out while I bounced around like Tigger on a sugar high.

I’d learned the lyrics. Rehearsed until my throat was sore.
All that remains is doing the one thing that terrifies me.

Put myself in front of people and risk complete humiliation.

It didn’t matter that the majority of those people were family and friends, people I knew, who wouldn’t judge me. That sort of made it worse. At least with random band fans, I wouldn’t have to see them every day, giving me pitying glances and muttering how they’d admired my courage for putting myself out there while being secretly glad it wasn’t them who’d embarrassed themselves in public.

“Lucy, I don’t know about this.”

“Don’t. We’ve been through this. We’ve been through every single horrible possibility. We’ve imagined every bad thing Drew could say, and has it helped? No. It’s turned you into a wreck. Ever heard of positive thinking?”

“Easy for you to say. It’s hard to be positive when everything you want is resting on a song.”

I’d intended to avoid Drew until the show started. Unfortunately, he was the first person I bumped into when I walked into the pub with Lucy and my parents.

He looked so good. So. Good. Ripped jeans, and a black button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. The mix of formal and scruffy made my mouth dry out and my legs shake. I somehow choked out a hello, and I thought I saw him give me a quick once over before muttering he had to finish getting ready.

It happened again. Ache in my chest, spreading to my stomach and through my limbs until the tips of my fingers and toes throbbed with the pain of missing him.

I darted into the loos immediately after, and didn’t intend to leave until the band’s first song started.

“You’re ready for this. You
need
to do this.”

“I need to puke.”

I turned to look at myself in the mirror, staring at my reflection and trying to find some internal bravery. Before I had chance to locate my inner diva, someone knocked on the door of the ladies room. Lucy and I exchanged puzzled glances, and she disappeared around the corner to see who was weird enough to knock on the door of a pub toilet before entering.

“Is she in here?”

Jason.

“Yeah, she’s in here. You might as well come in, there’s nobody else around.”

Oh goody, it’s pep talk time.
I needed one. I wasn’t scared enough to run away, but I began to think, if Jason wanted Drew to hear me sing, he’d have to drag him into the toilets because my feet were starting to take root right there.

When Jason laid eyes on me, he halted, staring. “Whoa.”

“What?” I panicked and turned to the mirror again. “What’s wrong?”

Nope No mascara down my face – surprising since I hardly ever wore the stuff. No lipstick on my teeth and my hair wasn’t frizzy.

Again, Lucy giggled, and Jason said, “Nothing’s wrong. You look incredible.”

I glanced at him over my shoulder. The thing was, I really thought I looked okay. Feeling miserable had limited my appetite, and I’d lost six pounds, making my hips a little less wide, and giving my waist a bit of definition. I’d bought new jeans - a size smaller than usual - and a close fitting black, long-sleeved top with a cowl neck. Simple, but with my hair plaited over my left shoulder and some make-up - courtesy of my little sister – I at least
appeared
confident, even if I didn’t feel it.

“Thanks.” I gave a weak smile while my stomach whizzed around again.

Jason took my hands, pulling me away from the mirrors. “I wanted to say something before we get started out there because if I don’t do it now, the moment will pass and... well, it needs to be said.”

The seriousness on his face freaked me out a bit, and Lucy stepped back as if she wanted to disappear into the white tiled walls so as not to intrude.

“What is it?”

“Okay,” Jason began, squeezing my hands. “I know tonight is a massive deal for you. I know you’ve had second thoughts every day, and I know how scared you must be. The only reason I pushed so hard for you to do this, Ellie, is because I want you to be happy. I want Drew to be happy. Every time I’ve messed things up for you, you never complained. Never blamed me, and never stopped being there for me. I’ve been a total prick. I did some stuff I’ll always be ashamed of and… you don’t deserve to be miserable because I made bad choices. I’m sorry, Ellie. I was wrong to ever say you and Drew didn’t make sense. You do. You make so much sense. So, if I’ve been a pushy asshole these past few weeks, it’s because I have to make this right again. I need to do it for you. Both of you. Best friends forever, right?”

I nodded, tears threatening to smudge my make-up at the reminder of our childhood promises in the snow. I never needed an apology from Jason, not really. Sorry was only a word, after all. All I wanted was for him to get his act together and, to stop making the same mistakes over again. I knew what he was doing all along, why he pushed so hard to help me fix my relationship with Drew. Knowing he
wanted
to do it, to make up for some of the crap he put Drew and me through meant more than I could explain.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight,” he went on. “I can’t predict what Drew will do or say. I’ll be here whatever happens, though. And those people out there,” he added, pointing towards the door, “they only want the best for you. All of them, even the ones who don’t know you well. You’re as much a local celebrity as the band, not because of who
we
are, but because you were flooding this town with your artwork while we were still trying to get our shit together as a group. So... shake off the nerves, okay? You can do this.”

I threw my arms around Jason, unable to speak.

“Right,” he said, his voice shaking slightly. “I have to get out there. Two minutes to show time.”

I gave him a final squeeze, realising the next time I saw him, it would be on stage. Strangely, though, I didn’t feel as sick as before. “Thank you.”

Jason kissed my cheek. “Good luck, Ellie.”

As he headed out, he gave Lucy a grin that made her cheeks flush. When the door closed behind him, I said, “You just fell in love with him, didn’t you?”

Her face glowed more, and she lowered her head. “That was so sweet of him. I... yeah. A little bit.”

A little bit
more
. I’d watched Lucy since she revealed her feelings to me, knowing at some point, she’d either get over it, or fall harder. With no idea what he’d done, with his kindness and killer smile, Jason made her fall. I couldn’t stop it, she was too far gone. Instinct told me to warn her how dangerous it was to want someone like Jason; someone so unpredictable and adored, and completely wrong for her. Realism told me it would be a waste of breath. Why lecture her on what she already knew?

“Come on, Luce.” I reached for her hand. “Let the madness begin!”

The pub had filled up a lot since we arrived, and we had to nudge through the crowd to our parents and Michael, who’d managed to blag one of the few available tables. Most of the tables and chairs that normally occupied space had been moved out to make way for the specially invited audience, but some remained around the edge of the room and near the bar.

“Are you okay?” Mum asked, as we sat down. She had her concerned,
we can leave if it gets too much
face on. I hadn’t meant to worry her by hiding in the toilets for so long; she’d been in a constant state of worry since Drew and I broke up. It was a massive indication of how miserable I’d been, because most of the time, Mum was not a big worrier.

I nodded. “Yeah. Everything’s fine.”

As fine is it can be while I sit here and prepare for the most important moment of my life so far.

Not gonna lie, concentrating on the show was hard, but I listened, sang along, loved how well Jason looked, and how at home he was in front of an audience. If they hadn’t already known, nobody would have guessed he almost died a few weeks ago. The memory made goose bumps pop up across my skin; the image of him in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines. Now, Jason fired up the crowd as though he’d never been away. None of us could predict his future or say for sure if he’d kicked the coke for good this time. What mattered was that he was trying.

Cheers and whistles of appreciation filled the room after the last song ended. Those who had been sitting were on the their feet, and the people who’d bounced around to the entire set continued to jump, waving their arms in the air in support of their favourite band.

Cameras flashed, journalists frantically scribbled notes, and I knew, right there and then, it really was the beginning for them.

The guys all stepped to the front of the stage to take a bow, and it couldn’t have been clearer how glad Mack and Joey were to have Jason back. Even Drew’s eyes flickered with pride as chants of his brother’s name filled the room. I knew if I’d asked him, he’d have insisted he was still angry with Jason, and they had a long way to go before things were good between them again. It would have been true, too. But there was no disguising the genuine happiness on his face that the band was back together. Back home.

And that, right there, was the reason I fell for him. Drew could be grumpy, stubborn, unreasonable, obsessive and insecure. But he was also the man who carried me home when Jason got me stoned. The man who never had to ask what I needed; just gave it to me, sometimes before I knew myself. The man who let me hide out with him in his flat because neither of us wanted to face the world after Jason tore us both down, leaving us exhausted and broken.

The man who, although he had a million reasons to, never gave up on the things he wanted, and the people he loved.

I had no idea if I was still one of those people, but I was about to find out.

Instead of the usual dash-off-the-stage-to-avoid-the-overexcited-hordes, Jason took the mic again, his eyes swivelling towards me, silently asking if I was ready; if I was sure.

In that moment, he would have let me back out, I knew it. Because in spite of his need to fix some of the damage he’d done, he would never force me to do something I didn’t want to do.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded.

“Okay, ladies and gents,” Jason said, turning back to the crowd, “we’re not quite finished here yet. Before I go on, I ask you to remember the no videos rule, because this gig tonight... it’s for you. What happens in here stays in here. Like Vegas.” A small chuckle rippled around the room, but there was no disguising the building tension. It definitely wasn’t just my own, bouncing off the walls and affecting everyone. The audience whispered to each other, creating an excited buzz.

“Are you okay?” Lucy whispered, making me jump. I was trying to get
in the zone
, whatever the hell that meant. Does anyone really know what it means?

“I think so,” I whispered back, and she held onto my hand as she turned her attention back to Jason.

Me? I watched Drew looking at Mack and Joey, like he was trying to figure out if they knew why Jason was still talking. They carefully avoided his gaze.