Nobody Can Say It’s You: A Hadley Pell Cozy Mystery (5 page)

“No, Hadley. I only had one,” Lou Edna said. “I swear.”

Lou Edna swallowed hard. She was obviously upset. The corner of her left eye danced a nervous jig.

“My eyes always jump when I’m too excited,” Lou Edna said, touching the corner of the mascara on her eye with her manicured, pink fingernail.

“Take a deep breath. Relax,” said Hadley. “Tell me what you saw, Lou Edna.”

“I was still shaken about dropping my keys and thinking the booger man was going to get me. I was trembling like a leaf. There was Dara Elanor coming right out of nowhere. It was spooky. Eerie. Totally unexpected, I tell you. It’s a wonder I didn’t faint dead away right there in that parking lot.”

“Well,” said Hadley, “there’s your explanation. You were still pumping adrenaline and overwrought. You just thought you saw Button. You already said you were expecting to be attacked by the booger man in the dark parking lot behind Sadie’s. What you thought you saw was just a product of your overactive imagination.”

“No, it wasn’t,” said Lou Edna.

“Tell me,” said Hadley.

“I was still so mad at myself for droppin’ them car keys. I swear I remember thinkin’ that it was just like somethin’ you see in a horror movie, you know, right before the girl gets trounced by the monster.

“There you are, sitting there watching the movie, eating popcorn, and yelling to the screen, ‘Don’t go in there, Stupid! Run! Go back! Don’t open the door!’ And what does that foolish girl do? Just the opposite of ever’thing you’ve sat right there in that gummed up seat and told her! She goes and opens the door and runs right into the ax- wielding maniac who’s standing on her front porch!

“Anyway, I fumbled with the key and unlocked the door. The paint around the keyhole looks like somebody attacked it with a nail. Maybe Brinkley can polish out some the scratches for me down at the station. I sure hope so. I made a mess of that door, Hadley.

“I think it took me a half-dozen tries to get the thing in the ignition once I got into the car. I was still shaking like I had Saint Vidas Dance. I eased out of Sadie’s parking lot. That thing is nothing but Pot Hole Alley! The one or two pieces of gravel she put down has long ago sunk in the mud and disappeared.

“At least it hadn’t been raining. I would have been axle-deep in mud if it had. Anyway, I was drivin’ real slow. It was dark as pitch. It was either cloudy as all get out or a new moon. I dunno. The night just seemed to close in on me. I was afraid I’d have a panic attack. It just felt so dark and claustrophobic in the front seat of that car.

“I swear I had my high beams on, but they didn’t seem much brighter than a candle’s flame. It was like a fog of black just ate up the light and made it hard to see. Felt like I was driving through crude oil.

“I was making the turnoff onto the hard-surface road out of the parking lot when I saw it. I don’t know what it was. It was tall, like Button, dressed in black. It had a black hood just like the one Button wore. It was shiny. Real shiny. That’s what I noticed first. All black and shiny.

“I was blinded for a second by the glare the outfit threw from my high beams. It had a white face. I saw that much. Well, the neck at least. I didn’t see the features. It had a black cloth over its face with eye holes cut out. It stood by the road and spread its arms.

“I was so scared! I screamed bloody murder. Right in the car. I don’t know how I kept from wettin’ my britches, but I did. I floored the gas pedal and squalled rubber and beat the bushes for the hard-surface road. I sped all the way down the mountain. I’m lucky I didn’t wrap that car around a tree. But I made home. I was never so happy to see my driveway in all my life! I ain’t never been so frightened in all my life neither!”

“You were still shaken from seeing Dara Elanor,” said Hadley, “in the parking lot at Sadie’s.”

“You still don’t believe me,” said Lou Edna. “Well, how do you explain this? Is this a figment of my imagination, too?”

Lou Edna handed Hadley a piece of folded butcher paper. Hadley opened it up. Inside was a chicken bone with a red string tied to one end.

“It was tied to a light fixture near my door. Blood-red powder was all over my steps, too,” said Lou Edna.

“Lou,” Hadley said, “it looks like you made somebody around here awfully mad.”

A
nna announced
the idea of a contest to the group of children who visited the library later that day. They all seemed excited. During part of their time there, the teacher suggested her class write stories to be used on the website.

Hadley’s phone rang.

“Hey,” Hadley said. “How’s it going?”

“I’m really excited about this project,” Anna said. “The teachers and the children are embracing the idea with more enthusiasm than I ever expected.”

“Great,” Hadley said. “Hobie’s agreed to let me video him playing a song I wrote that I want to contribute to your site. He said I was finally good enough with Harry’s old camera that it won’t make everybody sick with the jiggles. I told him I’d use a stand for the video cam. He’s even agreed to let me strum a few chords while he sings it.”

“Wonderful,” said Anna. “But I need your help. I had a class over today. One of the students wrote a story that, well, could you look at it and give me a few suggestions?”

“Sure,” said Hadley. “Come on over after you close up. I’ll be waiting with something nice and hot and homemade right out of the oven. I’ll start baking right now.”

Hadley was setting the blueberry pie on top of the stove to cool when Anna knocked.

“So, what’s the problem with the literary masterpiece you’ve brought me?” said Hadley.

She took the sheet of paper began to read.

* * *

M
y brother had a birthday party
. He is nine years old. Mama went to the store and bought a pack of balloons. I really like balloons. They are so fun. There were over 50 in the pack. We blew them up. My brother decided to hide them like Easter eggs. I thought it was a good idea. But Easter eggs are a lot smaller. They are easier to hide. Balloons are not so easy.

He put them all over the place. He hid them under the covers, under the bed, and even in the outhouse.

My granpappy was the first one to use the outhouse after the balloon was dropped down the hole. My brother and me saw him go into the outhouse and close the door. My granpappy spends a long time in the outhouse. He says he does his best thinking in there.

He’d been in the outhouse a good while, like always, when my brother and me heard a loud POP.

Old Pa, that’s what we call him, let out a holler just like he’d been shot. The outhouse door flew open. Old Pa came running out, his overalls unhooked and flapping behind him. We laughed at Old Pa’s white cheeks shining in the sun.

Old Pa was fit to be tied. He had poop clean up his backside and back and head.

Mama and Daddy were awful puzzled until Mama spied a piece of knotty red rubber hanging in Old Pa’s hair.

Brother and me won’t ever get no more balloons for our birthday.

* * *

H
adley was wiping
the tears from her eyes.

“That’s a funny story, Anna,” she said.

“I know,” said Anna, “but if I publish it, Old Pa’s going to be irate. There’s only one man called ‘Old Pa’ within 50 miles of here. Everyone will know it is Reedy Lanier.”

“I don’t think Old Pa will ever see that story on your website,” said Hadley. “Besides, I don’t think neither he nor Verla Amile nor Wilbert can read.”

“But some of their family can,” said Anna.

“All right,” said Hadley, “just leave out ‘Old Pa’ and replace it with ‘Pap.’ We got a million Paps around here. Probably half of them still use the outdoor john. Just put this story in the fiction category. I wouldn’t mess too much with it. We don’t want to spoil this child’s creative efforts.

“I got a sneaking feeling you’re going to get more stories along this line.”

“Me, too,” said Anna. “I think they are charming and funny. I’m just worried that there will be some folks out there who won’t see them that way.”

“There’s always going to be naysayers and party poopers,” said Hadley. “I think you’re off to a great start. Just eat some pie. Things will look better afterwards, I promise.”

“I wish all our problems could be made better with pie,” said Anna, making sure not to leave one crumb of Hadley’s delicious crust. “You really should open a restaurant, Hadley. People would flock for miles to eat your cooking.”

“I would,” Hadley said, “but it would cut into my other extracurricular activities!”

Both women laughed.

“Keep me posted on this project,” Hadley said.

“I will,” said Anna.

Hadley cleaned up the dishes and wiped down the counters. She was still smiling as she thought about Old Pa running out of that weather-beaten, old outhouse thinking he’d been shot.

Her cell rang.

“Hadley.”

“Yeah, Sis.”

“Don’t say anything,” Maury said.

“I won’t. What is it?”

“Bill let it slip, accidentally on purpose, that the blood on that butcher knife wasn’t human.”

“That relieves my mind.”

“I know. I think Bill was afraid that you and I would freak out at the thought of being so close to a dead man who also had human blood on his butcher knife.”

“Nightmare on my street, all right,” Hadley said. “Did he say any thing else?”

“No,” said Maury. “He hurried off to the office. Plans to be there all day doing paper work. Unless something comes up, that is.”

Hadley rang off. Good thing she’d stocked up at Pixies.

She started in making Bill’s favorite for lunch – homemade chicken salad. She’d worked nonstop, but by lunchtime, it was ready. She dished it up and headed into town. She pulled up in front of the little shingle that said, Sheriff’s Office.

“Well, this is a surprise,” Bill said. “I hope nothing’s wrong, Hadley.”

“Right as rain with me, dear brother-in-law. I just had way too many leftovers, and I needed a little help getting rid of them.”

“Hadley, I don’t care how many times you use that worn-out line, you know that I am just the guy for that job.”

“Is Elwin or Wayman in? There’s plenty here for everybody. You’d think after all this time, I’d have figured out how to cook in small batches.”

“I, for one, am glad you haven’t,” Bill said. “No. It’s just me. They’re both out on patrol.”

“Wipe your face, Bill. You look like the bad end of a chicken-salad eating contest. The butt end, not the beak end.”

“Thanks, Hadley,but I can’t help myself. I always have to dive in face first. This stuff really hits the spot.”

“Well, when you’ve finished with that, there’s chocolate cake in that sack, too,” Hadley said. “And don’t tell Maury, but I’ve got some homemade donuts in there for all of you boys.”

“Did I ever tell you that you were my favorite sister-in-law?”

“At least a million times. And the fact that I’m your only sister-in-law has nothing to do with it, huh.”

“Nothing a’tall.”

Bill looked at Hadley sitting there looking like an innocent dropped down from the clouds. He wasn’t fooled at all.

My guess is,” said Bill, “that you didn’t just make this chicken salad to drop by and see my gorgeous face.”

“What do you mean?” Hadley asked.

“The chicken salad’s not leftover,” Bill said. “It’s still warm.”

Hadley cheeks flushed.

“The cake’s leftover, though,” she said. “I forgot you’re a trained lawman. Should have known you’d catch me in that little white lie. Maury told me that the blood on the knife wasn’t human,” Hadley said.

“It’s not, I’m happy to say,” Bill said. “Did my lovely wife tell you anything else?”

“No,” said Hadley.

“There’s not much else, I’m afraid,” Bill said. “I know that must have been a shock to you both, having a man fall dead at your feet like that. And the fact that he had a blood-stained knife in his hands must have sent you right over the edge.”

“Well, Bill to be honest, it all happened so fast. I really didn’t have much time to think about anything,” Hadley said. “I’m glad no one else was hurt. But I gotta admit it. It was scary. A hooded goblin chased by armed lawmen down Main Street in broad daylight is not something we see every day in our sleepy little hamlet.”

“It is a mystery why the old man was running from us,” Bill said. “Button Dudley is the last person I’d ever think would dress up for a Halloween festival, let alone attend one. That old coot was running like the devil was chasing after his soul.”

“I know,” Hadley said. “He only hit town about once or twice a year. He was always been happy to stay up in the hills.”

“His costume, if you could call it that,” Bill said, “was just rags.”

“Umm,” said Hadley.

“He did have something interesting draped around his neck,” Bill said.

“What was that?” Hadley said.

“A string of spices,” Bill said.

“What kind of spices?” Hadley asked.

“Star anise,” Bill said.

“That’s something the old ones use in conjure bags,” Hadley said. “They’ll put a pod in the bag and wear it to ward off the evil eye.”

“I know, but Button had a whole mess of them,” said Bill.

“That must have been where I got mine,” Hadley said. “He bumped into me. Later, I found one on my jacket.”

“You’re lucky that’s all Button gave you,” Bill said. “He just came out of nowhere. We couldn’t catch him. There were too many people standing around to do anything but give chase. If he hadn’t dropped dead, I think he would have run clear out of town and escaped.”

“But he did drop dead,” said Hadley.

“And, thankfully, no one else was injured.”

Bill peered into the bag. He pulled out a big hunk of cake and began devouring it.

“Lou Edna came to see me this morning, Bill. She was all upset. I’m really worried about her.”

“Lou Edna’s brain is fried from sniffing all that hair spray down at the beauty salon, Hadley,” said Bill. “But what is it?”

“She came busting down my door at the crack of dawn. I was up, thanks to Onus. She saw the light on. She had this wild story about going out for a night on the town, ladies’ night, with Ora Lavelle at Sadie’s.”

“Now, that’s one joint I’d just as soon as not go in,” said Bill. “We get a call every once in a while when Sadie’s senior citizens get too rowdy. Throwin’ their false teeth at each other or shootin’ stale peanuts with their trusses. You be surprised at how fast one of them rubbery peanuts can pop a glass. A truss in the right hands is a deadly weapon.”

“Get outta here,” said Hadley. “And thanks a million for putting that picture in my brain.”

“Anytime,” Bill said. “But back to Sadie’s. I’m always afraid I’ll pick up something I can’t get rid of with a shot down at the health department.”

“Not my cup of tea, either,” said Hadley, “but Sadie’s a nice enough woman.”

“Yeah,” said Bill. “She runs a pretty straight joint. If you like your beer watered down and warm and your pretzels soggy.”

“Somebody’s put a curse on Lou,” Hadley said.

“You’re joking,” Bill said. “Hadley, you’re a college-educated woman. You of all people should know that the sort of granny magic practiced for generations comes from a lack of available medical treatment and ignorance. I would have thought we would have moved on by now. But it’s true, some things never change.”

“I know the people in these mountains have not had access to a lot of things folks in the city take for granted. They had to turn to plants and herbal medicine because there were no nearby doctors and hospitals. Even now, a lot of these people don’t have the extra money for a hospital stay. Home remedies are all they have.

“And I’m sure some of their potions are snake oil. But the people who have been ‘cured’ swear by them. Some of their salves and concoctions are as good as any pharmacy could make. I know that, too.

“Add in the power of a person’s belief and, regardless of whether it’s bogus or a real cure, you’ve got a potent medicine. The same thing goes with curses. It’s believing in them that makes them powerful.

“If somebody believes a curse has been placed upon them, they are bound to attribute every negative thing that happens to them to that curse. Likewise, if someone has an extremely long run of good luck, they may think it’s because good karma is on their side.

“The old ways still have a hold over people, Bill. And I’ll be the first to say that I do believe there are a lot of things in this world that are unexplainable. Is it luck, fate, or magic? I can’t say.