Noah (11 page)

He answered by taking as much of me as he could, and I couldn’t hold back another fucking second. I came hard. The air was squeezed out of my lungs, and I tensed up.

Julian choked on a groan, lapping and sucking at me. Pulse after pulse landed in his mouth.

I felt like I'd run a marathon. No ability to move whatsoever. I melted into the mattress, panting and swallowing against the dryness in my throat.

A warm body nestled into my side, and I mustered the strength to wrap my arms around him. The A/C was hitting us pretty hard, so I yanked the covers over us, too.

"Jesus fuck," I coughed.

Julian laughed softly and kissed my neck. "You're so intense."

That was a new one. "What do you mean?" I yawned and found a good spot on the pillow where I could breathe him in and kiss him on the forehead.

"I can't explain it. It's…passion, I suppose?" He lifted his head to look me in the eye. "Uninhibited. Even with men… Or me, anyway. Has it always been like that when you fuck guys?"

I chuckled drowsily and rubbed my eyes. "I'm not in the habit of having sex with men. I just don't rule it out. Call me an opportunist." I stroked his cheek. "I love sex, Julian. Always have. I go all in if it feels right." It had felt
too
right with him, though. "With you…" I had to find the words that wouldn't hurt him. "In a way, it was almost about survival. I can't remember the last time I actually
needed
to be with someone. I've had nightmares about it for weeks."

"I know." He smiled ruefully. "It's the family thing, right?"

"Not a small thing," I murmured. "But yeah."

Imagine if our family knew? That broke my fucking heart.

"I understand. Really." He lay down and looked up at the ceiling. "It's been sort of the same for me, though…with some minor differences. But anyway, it was like when I lost Linda at the park once. When we found her again, I didn't leave her side for a week. I hugged her until she got sick of me, and I sometimes set the alarm to check in on her while she slept."

Those were the exact words I needed to hear, and I didn't even know. It described this—all of this—perfectly. "You did it to assure yourself she was still there."

"Yes." He tilted his head my way, pensive. A bit of the apprehension was back. "So I get it, Noah—I do. But I'm still gay, and I've had a fucked-up crush on you since I was sixteen."

I blanched while his cheeks burned red. It was a cold-shower moment, but not entirely uncomfortable. Shocking as hell, though.

"That’s fucking weird, kid," I said, fighting a smile. Okay, I was kinda flattered. It
was
weird—beyond weird—but that didn't make my pride swell any less.

He laughed. "You say that right after you had your tongue in my ass."
Touché
. His expression softened, and he blew out a breath. "It was a relief getting that off my chest."

That killed the humor, and I kissed him chastely. "I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't. I was freaked out—so much so that I didn't show up at reunions." Ah…so that answered
that
. Damn. He sighed and looked up again. "It's different now. You don't have to feel bad about telling me this was a one-time thing. I already knew that."

I frowned, mulling shit over. "What do you mean by different?"

"I guess…we all have infatuations? But it's different because of everything." He seemed to struggle with his words. "I'm a mess. So are you." Painfully true. "Before, you were barely real. You were this so-called uncle who lived and worked in Hollywood and partied with movie stars. Mom was always bragging about you, and when I saw you—before I figured out I was gay—you were intimidating. There was a constant spotlight over your head at reunions. You were accompanied by a loud buzz."

The life of the party.

"People are drawn to you," he added thoughtfully. "And now…"

I cocked half a smile. "Now I'm real?"

He nodded and shifted closer again. "Very." He kissed my chest. "There's life to consider. Everything we've been through… I doubt it's healthy for us to rely too much on each other. But because I'm so attracted to you, it needs to be a clean break." He peered up at me. "I wouldn't want to live anywhere else, but I need to find my own friends and social life, which…" He made a face there. "I'm not very social to begin with, but closing myself in would probably do more harm than good."

I squeezed him to me, 'cause time was evidently running out. "I get it." And the irony wasn't lost on me. I'd felt like I was the one who would put a stop to things, and maybe I kinda had, yet I couldn’t shake the feeling of being dumped. Not in a harsh way, fucking clearly.

He was right. We both were. Getting attached and building something based on grief and loneliness could only lead to disaster. I was thrilled he wasn't moving anywhere else, but having our separate social lives would probably help.

"So…does this fresh start begin with you dating Nicky?" I asked.

Julian snorted quietly and nipped at my collarbone. "I'm not ready for anything, any more than you are."

That was…strangely relieving.

"I'll go to a party with him, though," he said. "Maybe I'll make some friends."

Of course he would. Julian was a terrific guy. Who wouldn’t want him? To be buddies with him, I meant.

No, this was good.

It was.

Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too long before it
felt
as right as I knew it was.

*     *     *

Part II

Chapter 11

Nine months later

"I don't give a shit. Make it happen." I placed the phone between my shoulder and cheek as I parked my car. I knew it was illegal—sue me. "I thought money talked."

"You sound like a diva," Daniel chuckled wryly.

I cringed then got out of the car and slammed the door shut.
Deep breath
. I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Fuck you, for that," I replied slowly, "but you're right. I just want his birthday to be good."

Julian turned twenty-four in a couple weeks, and with me being in the middle of filming, I had forgotten all about it. Sophie had reminded me yesterday, thank fuck.

"I get it, Noah." Daniel got serious again. "Unfortunately, I can't force a restaurant to host the dinner only because Julian likes the food there. Trust me, I have bribed and tried to convince them, but evidently, they want to be the only restaurant in LA that doesn't attract big crowds or publicity."

I sighed and locked the car, and then I walked toward my shrink's practice. "I guess we could do something at home."

"It does sound like a party Julian would enjoy more," he reasoned. "He's not you, man. Less is more in this case."

He was right. I scratched my head with the key, thinking of what to do. I was strapped for time, so having the party elsewhere had made sense to me. Then again, if we had it at home, I wasn't
late
. I didn't need to book my own loft weeks in advance.

"You know a good party planner who can do low-key?" I asked.

"What a dumb question. Of course I do."

*

"Only ten minutes late this time," Dr. Kendall said with a smirk. "I'm impressed." She gestured for me to sit down, and I was too stressed out to give a fuck about sheepishness. I'd already apologized. I was a living, breathing apology. "Tell me how you've been since our last session."

I blew out a breath and racked my brain for something to say. "It's been…good. I traded in button-downs for T-shirts." Which meant pre-production and kissing up to suits were over. We were finally filming, and I didn't have to deal with any more producers—only Tennyson. It was his show. He was the only link between the film set and everything behind the scenes.

I didn't envy him.

"You're far away from the studio lots," the doc noted. "Are you off today?"

Only a couple studios
had
permanent lots these days, but whatever. "We're not with a studio, and no, I just took a few hours." I checked my watch. "I hope to be back before three."

In the meantime, my assistant director and director of photography prepared for the next scene. I'd gotten lucky to end up with an AD and DP I actually enjoyed working with. So far, they seemed to share my exact vision.

"So work is good, then?" Dr. Kendall jotted down a note on her tablet. "Any bad stressors? You mentioned having more nightmares around the same time you were busy with casting."

I shook my head. "Nah, it's been weeks since I had a nightmare. I live for being on set, so work is all good now."

In fact, I'd been feeling a lot better lately, and I was hoping today could be the last head-fucking appointment. I was glad I'd come here, though. Also something I wouldn't have done if it weren't for Julian.

He'd started going last summer after he and I…had shared our night, and… His progress showed, and so I had manned up and gotten an appointment earlier this year. But it was enough now. I'd been seeing Dr. Kendall every other week since February, and with May just around the corner, I was satisfied.

It had gotten to the point where venting had started feeling like dwelling, and that meant it was time to move on. There was no damn diagnosis. It was plain grief, and it had lessened.

"That’s great, Noah." Doc smiled at me and then moved on to the next topic. "Last time, you told me you were getting ready to sell your parents' house in Pittsburgh. Any more thoughts on that?"

Not really. I shrugged. "We've hired a Realtor."

It was time. A few months ago, Julian and I had gone our separate ways for a week. He had flown to Germany with his grandparents to gather all the belongings they wanted to keep, and I had done the same with Ma and Pop's house. Some trinkets and photos had been added to our loft, some things ended up in storage, and the rest was donated. Only the houses remained.

Well, my sister's house in Berlin already had a family renting it now. But my folks' house was to be sold off.

"How does it make you feel?" Doc asked.

I shot her a look, 'cause we'd been over this before.

She chuckled. "I know you dislike the phrase, but it's the only way I can cover all bases. I can tell by your behavior from last session and this one that you wish to be done, and I understand that. It's been a rough year." She paused, scrolling a little on her iPad. "How did your date go after last time?"

I flinched internally. "
That
was a fucking disaster."

Last winter, Julian confessed he and Nicky were dating. I hadn't reacted very well. He had no clue, but I'd taken it pretty hard, which had infuriated me. He was doing the right thing, and I had tried, too.

By getting wasted and banging a new woman every weekend. For a few months, I'd woken up every Sunday morning in a strange bed before doing the walk of shame. The shame was new. I'd never cared before, but shit had changed.

I stopped eventually because it made me sick, and Kendall suggested going on an actual date. Try to get to know someone.

"How so?" She put aside her tablet for this one, ready to listen and analyze. "You said she seemed different."

"Sure, at the bar." My
date
in question was supposed to have been another hookup. Instead, I'd asked her out. Big mistake. "Halfway through our dinner, it was the same old shit. It felt wrong."

I
had felt wrong. Summer was perfectly nice, but something had been off with
me
.

"Something that was said, or…?" Doc prodded.

I frowned and rubbed at the back of my neck. "No, I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I zoned out and couldn’t pay attention. No interest." And at the end of the date while we waited for her cab, I'd kissed her and
nothing
.

She hummed. "When you zoned out, where did your thoughts take you? Do you remember?"

I blew out a breath and stretched out my legs, thinking back. "Probably work." The second my mind turned to work, I was a happy motherfucker. I believed in our script, and I loved being in the director's chair for once. "Around the time of our date…" It hit me, and I straightened in my seat. "I think it was the day after Julian had finally let me hear one of his original songs."
Brilliant
, that kid. Jesus fucking Christ, he played and sang to rip out hearts. "It's way too soon to think about the score for the film, but I remember having that song on a loop in my head. I want it in the film."

I hadn't told Julian yet. He was dead set on making it on his own, but I'd get my way somehow. The song was perfect for one of the heavier scenes in the movie.

"That’s interesting," the doc noted. "So work- and Julian-related. We've already established you're quite the workaholic." She sent me a pointed look, but she was a shrink. She probably saw
unhealthy behavior
everywhere, but fucking welcome to the industry. "Sounds like you're simply not in the right headspace for a new relationship."

No shit.

She lifted a brow. "This does not mean I recommend you go back to your previous coping methods."

Obviously. I preferred not being nauseated.

"I'll date my hand." I shrugged.

Porn worked all right; it provided me with visuals. I didn't need to think then. I couldn’t risk jacking off away from a TV or laptop. My mind wandered, and I didn't always like where my fantasies headed. Or rather, I liked them too much.

"How is Julian doing?"

"You probably know more than I do."

After all, we saw the same shrink.

Kendall smiled ruefully. "I'm not asking about his feelings or personal opinions, Noah." She made a sweeping motion with her finger on the tablet. "You've told me he's barely home. Is that still true?"

I was willing to bet she knew the answer to that, too. If I wasn't mistaken, he was here a few days ago.

"He's a busy kid." I could admit I wasn't the easiest patient.

Had my pop been alive, he would've chuckled and shaken his head at his boy going to therapy. I wasn't created from the same stock, but maybe I had a foot in the door of the old school, too. Opening up like this wasn't my forte. But…being open about Julian? Even worse. I clammed up like a nerd in front of the prom queen.

I had a good excuse, though. 'Cause she
knew
. Julian had asked for permission months ago to tell the doc about our night, and as reluctant as I had been for that to get out, I would never stand in the way of his recovery, whatever that entailed. So she knew, and she often tried to get me to talk about it. But I hadn't told her much, only that I'd felt this otherworldly need to…all but consume him, I guessed I could describe it as.

Clearing my throat, I leaned forward a bit and tapped my foot restlessly.

Kendall waited. Patiently staring.

"What?" I furrowed my brow.

She raised one. "Surely you can say more than that."

"I don't know what you want me to say." I got a bit defensive. I leaned back once more and folded my arms over my chest. "What I said is true. He's busy. If he's not working, he's out with his boyfriend or playing."

He didn't touch the baby grand, though. He'd bought a used keyboard that he kept in his room. I still heard him, but it came with the door closed now.

I didn't know how two guys managed to stay close and yet be a world apart, but we were kings at it. Talk was easy, there were no issues, sometimes we watched a movie together at home, we met up with Tennyson and Sophie for dinner often enough, and we showed interest in each other's passions—music and film. Still, there was something missing.

But I could be reading too much into it. During the day, he ran errands for some big shot at
Variety
. Long hours, hardly any pay. During the weekends, he went out with Nicky and other friends he'd made at work. Combined with the hours I worked…no fucking surprise it was like something was missing.

"Noah." The doc clasped her hands on the desk. "I'm fully aware it's a sensitive topic for you, but we shouldn’t skirt around it."

I clenched my jaw.

Don't ask.

She went on. "Are you still attracted to him?"

Narrowing my eyes, I saw my loophole. I was glad she'd phrased herself that way. "He's a good-looking guy. Attraction doesn’t mean anything."

I'd had maybe…one or two months where I thought I was done obsessing. It had been a huge relief. Then, slowly but surely, a longing had begun growing inside me. It was one of the reasons I'd agreed to the doc's suggestion about the date with Summer.

"Mmhmm, I'm sure." She made a note, and I was officially irritated. "Don't worry, I'll leave it there." Then she glanced up again, her expression softening. "You're approaching the one-year anniversary of your family's death."

"I'm aware," I drawled.

I was lucky the anniversary coincided with the week we were off to Paris. I hoped to be so busy with work that I missed the date.

Doc inclined her head. "That is why I would suggest we have at least one more session after today. I think you're doing well with moving forward, but anniversaries can be difficult."

There was no way I wanted to go, but I had someone else to consider, too. Depending on how Julian took that day, it could be useful to have someone to ask for advice and whatever.

"All right, one more session," I conceded. "I'll call in and make an appointment."

She didn't seem satisfied with that, maybe wondering if I'd really do it, but she didn't push. For which I was glad.

"I hope you will, but in the event that you don't…" She took on a gentle expression and smiled patiently. "Noah, over the past few months, you've told me a lot about your family. They seemed like wonderful people, and I think they'd want you to be happy. Every family has arguments and bridges to cross, but what it comes down to in the end is happiness. However and wherever they find it."

I nodded, agreeing. "I keep telling Julian that. He struggles sometimes because James had hopes he'd go another direction than music. But I knew James. He was just protective." I paused. "At least Julian's open about his sexuality now. That’s good. I hope he'll tell his grandparents soon."

The doc pursed her lips then grinned a little. "You care about Julian a lot."

"Well, yeah." I frowned.

"I'm only putting it out there. He's often the first person you have in mind. I wasn't talking about him in this case, however. I was talking about you. Your family's approval never seemed to be everything to you, but it certainly mattered." She waited for me to object, but she was right. "So please keep that in mind when it's about
your
happiness. Your family would have wanted it for you."