No Worries (12 page)

26

A day without seeing Emma was empty to me. I doubted that it was the same for her — she never said — but still, she seemed happy enough when I rolled up.

‘You're late. Zeb was getting worried.'

At first we just hung out in the paddock, feeding the horse, grooming it, bagging manure. Then it was bike-riding down at the cycle track, a movie, and a couple of times we went fishing off the rocks. She even tried to teach me to roller-blade.

‘It's easy, Bri. Just do as I do.'

My legs flew out from under me and I landed in a tangle.

‘That's a very interesting technique you've got there, Bri.'

A disaster. But still fun.

One day we walked down to the ocean together.

‘Let's stop at your place on the way,' she said. ‘Then I'll get to meet Sassy — hey, we could take her to the beach with us. And I can also meet your mum and your auntie. It's about time I did.'

I couldn't admit the truth, that even though Mum was heaps better, thanks to Auntie Joan, things could change suddenly. And if Emma struck Mum in a bad mood she might not want to have anything to do with me again. I felt like I was being disloyal simply for thinking that, so I couldn't say it out loud. But I could duck and weave …

‘Maybe you should just wait outside — in case Mum isn't feeling too well.'

‘Bri.' Emma clenched my hand. ‘It's not like I'm walking in there unprepared. I know your mum's got problems. But I still really want to meet her. Okay?'

No, it wasn't okay. It was a bad move. I hated it.

‘Sure,' I said.

Auntie Joan was in the kitchen when we walked in.

‘Hiya, sweetie.'

‘This is Emma, a friend of mine.'

‘Hello, darl. I'm Joan.'

‘Hi.'

Emma put out her hand but Auntie Joan hugged her — she hugged everyone.

‘Sit down, darls, sit down.'

‘We're just here to pick up Sassy, if that's okay with you. We want to take her to the beach.'

‘Oh, I'll have to think hard about that.' She furrowed her brow. ‘You know how much she hates going for a walk.'

She whistled and Sassy bounded in from the verandah. Tail wagging at top speed, she jumped up and planted her wet nose on Emma's face.

‘You're such a beautiful girl, aren't you.' Emma patted her head. Sassy lifted her paw to shake hands.

Friends for life.

I clipped on Sassy's lead for a fast getaway.

‘Won't you stay and have something to eat first?' Auntie Joan asked.

‘No, thanks, we'd better get going.'

Then I heard the back door open. Mum walked in.

‘I was hanging out some washing. Thought I heard voices.'

Emma smiled hello. Mum managed a smile in return.

I introduced them.

‘Nice to meet you,' said Mum.

‘I'll make us a cuppa.' Auntie Joan hesitated. ‘Or would you rather have a soft drink?'

‘We really should be going to the beach.'

I copped a glare from Emma. ‘It won't go away, Bri.'

‘Soft drinks all round then,' decided Auntie Joan. ‘Quick and easy.'

We sat at the kitchen table, Sassy distracting everyone with her antics, licking and wagging, desperate for play.

‘She's very intelligent.' Auntie Joan dropped a piece of meat in front of her. ‘You watch. She won't eat it until I tell her to.'

Saliva dribbled from Sassy's mouth.

‘No, Sassy. Don't touch.'

The meat was gone in a gulp.

‘Oh dear,' muttered Auntie Joan. ‘I was going to sell her to a circus.' She twirled Sassy's tail. ‘Now I'll just have to keep you, won't I, old girl?'

‘This is a pleasant surprise,' Mum said. ‘I don't get to meet many of Bri's friends — he probably tells people I'm some kind of monster.'

Emma smiled at that. ‘I don't think so. He's always telling me good things about you.'

‘Does he now? What sort of things?'

Mum fixed Emma with her cross-examiner's stare.

‘Oh, all good things — you're kind, you're sweet …'

‘This brute says that?' Mum playfully tugged my ear.

‘Yes, he does. All the time. He's wanted me to meet you for ages but I've been busy with school work.'

‘I'll bet he says nothing of the sort' — Mum glanced from me back to Emma — ‘but I like that you covered for him, Emma. That tells me a lot about you … all good things.'

I could almost see the tension get up and leave the room.

The beach was perfect. Just us.

Emma threw the ball hard towards a pack of seagulls. Sassy forgot the ball and sprinted flat out after the birds. They kept low, taunting her, mocking her attempts to catch them.

Emma kicked off her shoes and skipped along the water's edge.

‘Come on, Bri. Leave your shoes with mine.'

‘It's too cold.'

‘Oh, poor baby.'

‘Aw all right then, hang on.'

‘By the way, I like your mum. And your auntie. They're both nice.'

I nodded, casual, though it meant so much. I scuffed a handful of water in her direction.

‘You want a fight, do you?'

She splashed me back.

Sassy dropped the ball at my feet and I kicked it towards Emma, along with a spray of water.

Emma pointed at me. ‘You're going to die!'

We wrestled and laughed until we were both wringing wet.

I was sure there would never be a better time, but a war raged in my head.

Don't say that, you idiot.

You have to say it!

It's stupid! She'll be embarrassed! She'll freak out! Please don't say it!

Be a man for once in your life! Say it! Say it! Say it!

‘I love you, Emma.'

She looked away.

God, the pain.

Wasn't she supposed to say the same back to me?

Wasn't she supposed to hold me?

Instead she wandered off down the beach, her hands thrust into her pockets, her head bowed.

‘It doesn't matter,' I called after her.

She stopped, but still didn't look at me.

I caught up to her.

‘I'm not sorry I said it. I might never get a chance to say it again, so I'm glad. But you don't have to say anything. Okay? I understand and it's all right. It doesn't matter … I won't hang around you if you don't want me to. I'll go away. Just tell me and I'm gone.'

I threw the ball hard for Sassy, deep into the ocean.
Chase that, you stupid mutt.

‘I can't help it. That's just the way I feel. It's stupid and it's dumb and —'

‘Please stop.' Our eyes met. ‘What you said was beautiful and I love you for saying it.'

You do?

‘But Bri … I've gotta be honest. I'm not
in
love with you. That's so different.'

I wanted to be with Sassy, plunging into the ocean after that ball, but I would have stayed there for ever.

Emma dropped to the sand and pulled me down beside her.

‘You are a friend — you hear? A really special friend. And I want to keep on being friends with you. I don't want you to go away.'

I felt such a fool. And I must have made her feel so bad too. Me and my delusions.

‘Okay. That's fine. Good.'

I got to my feet, dusted off the sand.

‘I'd better be getting back, get into some dry clothes. Here Sassy, come on, girl.'

‘Tell me you're all right, Bri.'

‘Sure. I'm fine. It's good that we're still friends.'

‘Always.'

‘Great. I have to go …'

‘You're not all right, are you?'

I turned and walked away, but she caught up.

‘Wait a second, will you?'

Emma put her head on my shoulder.

‘Don't go away, Bri … please don't go away.'

I was doing my best to hide my face.

‘I'll see you down the paddock, then … in a few days.'

‘You'd better, Bri Talbot. You'd better.'

I didn't feel like getting out of bed ever again. I felt like the whole world knew how dumb I'd been. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and saying ‘You fool. You stupid fool.'

But after a few days Emma rang me.

‘Where've you been?'

‘Nowhere.'

‘When will I see you again?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Tomorrow. Okay? Be at the paddock tomorrow.'

‘Is there any point?'

‘Sure there is. We're friends. Remember?'

I hauled my bruised carcass to the paddock, hanging back, not sure any more how close I should get to her — physically or emotionally.

Emma put her hands on my shoulders and studied me.

‘I'm glad you came back, Bri. If you hadn't I would have come after you — and then you would have been in big trouble.'

She pushed me backwards.

‘You big jerk.'

27

I was starting to think Auntie Joan was staying for ever. Even she and Dad were keeping the peace. But then one night she bought a bunch of flowers for Mum, cooked a baked dinner, and opened a bottle of champagne.

Building up to something …

‘So now, the reason for the champagne — drum roll, please …'

Auntie Joan beat her hands against the table.

‘Please don't keep us in suspense,' said Mum.

‘All right then. You know my friend, Carol?' She held Mum's hands. ‘The one who lives in America?'

Mum nodded vaguely.

‘Well, it's her birthday in a month or so. Big bash for her fiftieth. She's been at me to come over for ages, and I thought to myself, yeah, I really should.'

Mum forced a tight-lipped smile.

‘My neighbour wants to take care of Sassy — she'll have another dog there to play with. And things are going good here. You seem so happy and well, Ruby.'

Mum let go of her hands.

‘It's perfect timing. I can stay at Carol's place and she'll take me to see the local sights — she's in New York.'

I could almost hear the click of Mum's brain as it switched gears. She collected plates from the table, clattering them together noisily.

Auntie Joan ploughed on.

‘Then I thought I might have a look around the rest of the country. Catch a Greyhound bus and live the gypsy life, which I love. It's going to cost an arm and a leg, but I've got savings and I suppose I can sell the car — I know I'll manage somehow.'

Mum carried the plates to the sink. Auntie Joan followed her.

Back at the dinner table I sat quietly, listening, waiting …

‘So what do you think? Your big sister off to see the world. Isn't it exciting?'

‘Yes.'

Cold as ice.

‘You're not upset or anything, are you, darl?'

‘No. Why would I be?'

‘I don't know, you just seem a little —'

‘I'm not upset.'

‘I haven't seen Carol for so long.'

‘Fine. Good. You go to your friend. Have a wonderful time.'

Mum began washing the dishes, running the water hard in the sink.

Auntie Joan turned back to me helplessly, her face saying ‘What can I do?'

‘But you will be coming back, won't you?' I asked hopefully.

‘Of course, darl. It's for a month or two at the very most.'

Mum swung around.

‘I want you to have a holiday. You deserve it.'

‘But?'

‘But it would have been nice if you'd had the decency to discuss it with me, Joan. Maybe
I
would have liked a holiday too. Did that ever occur to you?'

‘But you don't know Carol, darl.'

‘That's got nothing whatsoever to do with it!'

‘Just tell me calmly what the problem is.'

‘It's not hard, Joan. Think! All this talk about family and closeness and you sit here knowing all night that you're going off to America to some
friend
and you have never mentioned it once. Not once. All the nights we sat up talking — me pouring my heart out to you —'

‘I've only just made up my mind.'

‘All those nights that I thought we were sharing.'

‘We were.'

‘No! The whole time you had another agenda. This coming here — being with me — it was just doing your duty. You couldn't wait to get away.'

‘Rube, don't do this.'

‘Do what? Tell the truth?'

‘If I'd thought for one second you still needed me here, I wouldn't have considered going.'

‘Need. Need. You're always here if I
need
you. The moment I stop needing you, you're gone. You've always done this to me.'

‘Done what?'

‘I don't want a nurse or a babysitter! I want a bloody sister!'

A plate hit the floor and smashed. Mum bolted to her room, Auntie Joan close behind her.

‘Rube, let me talk to you. Ruby —'

The door slammed.

I was hoping it would blow over, that Auntie Joan would change her mind, but a week later she packed her bags.

‘I wasn't planning to go so quickly,' she said, ‘but there's so much to get ready. I don't know how I'll do it all.'

Mum sat on the bed, chewing at a ragged fingernail.

‘That night you told me,' she began, ‘I'm so sorry about what I said. I don't know what comes over me — why I talk like that. It's all so ugly. But I didn't mean any of it, Joan. I was selfish and childish. It's just that I've loved having you here so much …'

‘I know, darl. It's all forgotten.'

‘Then why can't you stay a bit longer?'

‘If I don't make the move now I'll never do it.' She stroked Mum's face. ‘I really love you, you know, Rube. And you were right, I should have asked you if you wanted to come, but to be honest, I was being selfish too. I wanted some time for me. You know?' She sighed. ‘It's not a very sisterly thing to say, I suppose, but it's the truth.'

Mum hugged her.

‘I love you too,' she said, all teary again.

‘Come here, Bri.' Auntie Joan held out a hand. ‘You're not getting out of this. Come on.'

‘Do I have to?'

‘Yes!'

I dragged myself over to them, a liar through and through, because all the time I wanted to be hugged. It was good being close to them. Safe in a cocoon. I had a feeling that ‘safe' wasn't going to be around a whole lot when Mum was on her own, so I soaked up every last drop.

‘You take care of my girl, won't you, Bri?'

‘For sure.'

‘He won't have to take care of me,' Mum insisted. ‘I'm fine now. There's not a thing wrong with me.'

Right. Sure.

I gave Sassy one last wrestle, then Mum and I stood at the front gate and waved as Auntie Joan drove off, tooting the horn all the way up the street.