No Second Chances (18 page)

Chapter Thirty-two

Gabi- Present Day

For the first
time since Iraq, my life was starting to make sense again. For a while, I’d believed happiness was out of my reach, but instead it filled me once more—giddy, ridiculous happiness. Cole and I spent every moment we could together, as though making up for the ten years we had lost. My confidence about my leg was growing, and though I still felt self-conscious, Cole’s constant desire for me made me start to no longer care what other people thought. The only person who was important to me was him, and if other people didn’t like my leg, they could look the other way.

My dad even appeared to be drinking less. I thought he felt bad about not being around the night of the fireworks. Cole had been unable to contact him all of that night, even though Cole had sat up with me, and called my father’s house every half hour. My dad confessed he’d been passed out on the couch from ten-thirty, and had barely even noticed the fireworks, never mind heard the phone ringing. He seemed to be getting better, though I didn’t know how long it would last. He’d gone through phases of getting a better control on his drinking before, only to relapse again at a later date, so I was taking each good day as it came.

With my better state of mind, I’d also taken to walking as much as I could. I knew I wouldn’t be running again until I was ready to be fitted for a blade, but I figured I could still work on my fitness. Plus, now Cole and I were spending so much time in bed, I’d started to care about my figure again. Just because I was missing a limb didn’t mean the rest of my body couldn’t be smoking hot. Not that Cole seemed to mind what my body looked like—he loved me just the way I was—but I wanted to feel like I was looking the best for him, and all those months of being immobile hadn’t been kind to my waistline.

I began walking each morning, or afternoon, when Cole was at work. I started with twenty minutes, and gradually built up to thirty, then forty-five, and then an hour. It wasn’t easy, but I felt good doing it. I’d also discovered a fantastic little coffee shop about halfway into my route, and so treated myself to a latte midway. Okay, I knew that part wasn’t so good for my waistline, but I figured I’d been getting a lot of exercise in bed lately, too.

That day, I ordered my coffee and then lurked at the end of the counter, waiting for my takeout to be made. My name was called, and I took my drink and headed back outside, planning to finish my route. I stepped out of the doorway, onto the street, and someone blocked my way.

He had less hair than when I’d known him ten years ago, and had put on a little weight, but otherwise I’d have recognized him anywhere. It was the attitude surrounding him—the cocky, smug, superior air that followed him like a cloud of fog. He also had a graze beside his left eye and his lip looked swollen. I didn’t know what he’d been up to recently, but it appeared someone else had taken a disliking to him.

Over the years, I’d played this moment in my head. I’d imagined exactly what I would say to him, about how he must have felt like such a big man, threatening a teenage girl. I’d imagined that when I ran into him again, we’d both be adults, able to have a heated, but mature conversation, and he’d see how I was now a grown woman—an Army Captain, no less—who wouldn’t be intimidated by some little weasel of a man. I’d put my point across concisely, with just enough edge and bite to make him feel pathetic, and then I’d turn on my heel and march away, leaving him shrinking into the sidewalk.

The reality of that imagined conversation was very different. Just from his smile, and the way his eyes ran up and down my body, I could tell thirty-year-old Ryan was no different from twenty-year-old Ryan. Nothing I said to him would make an ounce of difference. Whatever he’d been doing over the last ten years, I didn’t think it had affected his personality a single iota.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here? It’s the little prick tease Cole Devonport used to hang out with.” I could hear the sneer in his tone.

I tried to shrug him off. “I don’t have time for this.”

Glancing away from him slightly, perhaps hoping that if I didn’t engage him, he’d leave me alone, I moved to walk past him. He stepped into my way, blocking the sidewalk and forcing me to stop. I’d managed men like him plenty of times in the Army. Cocky young guys who didn’t think a woman belonged there, who would tell me I was only going to get myself and other people killed. I’d proven them wrong back then—perhaps I’d been a little cocky myself. I’d shown myself to be an equal by being fast, and strong, and smart. But that was before the incident where I’d lost my leg and a good man had died. Going through that had shaken my confidence to the core. I’d rebuilt myself after Cole had broken my heart in so many different ways, but I was still in pieces from the bombing. I’d quite literally left a piece of myself in Iraq.

Plus, there was that niggling worry in the back of my mind which said those men had been right. I
had
gotten a man killed by not acting quickly enough, and I had almost gotten myself killed, too. How could I believe anything else about myself when my worst fears had come true?

I forced myself to lift my eyes to his. “Get out of my way, Ryan.”

“No chance. We’re having a little catch up.”

“I don’t want to talk to you. Not now, not ever.”

I willed for someone else to walk down the street, or for a car to pull up beside us and ask what was going on, but everything remained quiet. Perhaps I should turn around and go back into the coffee shop, but I didn’t want him to think I was afraid of him. I was in this on my own.

“Now, that’s no way to treat an old friend.”

“Old friend? You were never a friend. Not to me, not to Cole either. If he hadn’t known you and your buddies, he might have gone on to live a whole different life.”

“Bullshit. He was old enough to make his own choices. We gave him an opportunity, that’s all, and he took it.” He studied my face for a second and one side of his upper lip lifted. “Don’t tell me you’re still hot for Cole? Does he know that?”

I hated my face for coloring at his suggestion. “That’s none of your business. But I cared about him back then, and you screwed his life up. What are you even doing back in Willowbrook, Ryan? Surely you had bigger and better things to do with your life than hang around here?”

“I heard Cole was out, and thought I’d see what the big guy was up to these days.”

Sudden anger spurted inside me. “You stay away from Cole!”

He laughed. “Aww, are you worried I’m going to lead your boyfriend astray?” His expression hardened. “Oh, but wait, he’s not even your boyfriend anymore, is he? He dumped you pretty hard, from what I heard. He’s also no longer a boy. He’s a man, and a fucking criminal at that, so I’m pretty sure he can make up his own mind about who he does and doesn’t want to hang out with. He seemed pretty pleased to see me the other night at the diner, shook my hand and everything. Perhaps he’s getting sick of washing up other people’s pots for a living, and is interested in something a little more profitable.”

“Just stay away from both me and Cole,” I said, trying to sound braver than I felt.

His nostrils flared. “Or what?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but a different voice came from behind me. “You okay, Miss?”

I turned to see an older man who’d also been in the coffee shop, standing behind me.

“Yes, she’s fine,” Ryan snapped.

“Actually, I was just leaving.” I turned to the man who’d come to my rescue. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Miss. You take care of yourself.”

I walked away, feeling Ryan watch me go.

Chapter Thirty-three

Gabi - Eleven Years Earlier

I spotted Cole
walking away from me down the hallway, so distinctive with his jaw-length blond hair and swagger. I hurried to catch up with him. We’d not seen each other yesterday—something that was almost unheard of—and he hadn’t returned my calls. I was worried Ryan had said something to him. I’d barely slept, worrying about what Ryan had said to me, and wondering if I should have told Cole the truth. I knew Cole would be furious, though, and I couldn’t risk him getting into a fight with Ryan. Ryan was older, and Cole would lose. Plus, it would mean he’d get in more trouble with his foster family, and I dreaded something happening which would get Cole sent away.

“Cole?” I shouted as I got closer. “Wait up!”

He glanced over his shoulder at me and slowed, but didn’t stop. “Gabi, I’m sorry, but I’ve got somewhere I need to be.”

I frowned. What was going on? In the space of a few days we’d gone from being joined at the hip to barely seeing each other. I missed him horribly, but he didn’t seem to be missing me at all. Quite the opposite.

“You do? Where?”

“Just somewhere. I’m almost eighteen, Gabi, I don’t need someone keeping track of me every second of the day. You’re kind of smothering me.”

I stepped back like he had struck me.

“What?”

His expression had turned hard, his eyes expressionless. I’d never seen this part of him before, and it frightened me. “You heard what I said. I need a bit of space. All of this …” he waved his hand in the air between us, “just has to cool down a little. I’m starting to feel like an old married man.”

Someone, who must have overheard our conversation, sniggered beside me. I didn’t even care if other people were listening in. My world was crashing down around my ears, and right now I was in complete denial rather than accepting it.

“What are you talking about, Cole? Is this some kind of joke or dare, ’cause it’s really not funny.”

“I told you, Gabi. I just want to cool things. I don’t see why that’s such a hard thing to understand. I thought you were smart.”

Tears filled my eyes, blurring the hallway around us, and the sight of his strange, stone-like face. “Well, you weren’t saying that two days ago in my bed! You told me you loved me, and we’d be together forever.”

He gave a cold laugh that pierced my heart. “Guys always say things like that.” He gave an almost apologetic shrug. “How else are we going to get what we want?”

Why was he doing this? I knew it wasn’t the truth. Perhaps guys did tell girls they loved them to get them into bed, but that wasn’t the case with me and Cole. He loved me, I knew he did. I’d known it from the first moment he cupped my cheek with his palm and stared into my eyes. Love wasn’t just a word; it was a feeling, a connection. We had that, and something had happened to make him want to pretend it had never existed. Had Ryan told Cole I’d come on to him? Was this Cole’s idea of saving face? Had Ryan put these words into Cole’s mouth?

Rage bubbled up inside me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? I know this isn’t you talking.”

He lifted a hand. “Sorry, Gabi, but yeah, it is. I’ll catch you later, okay?” And, with that, he turned from me and carried on sauntering off down the hall as though he hadn’t just blown my whole world apart with a couple of cold-hearted lines.

As I stood, staring after him, I became aware of all the other kids around me, watching me and commenting behind their hands. Cole and I were known to be high school sweethearts, and that he’d just dumped me in the middle of the hall was going to be whizzing around the gossip mills within seconds.

Unable to stand their scrutiny any longer, I ran for the bathrooms. I banged in, and hurried for a stall, slamming and locking the door behind me. The pain in my chest was so bad, crawling up my throat so I felt like my airways were closing over. I gasped between silent tears, certain I would die from heartbreak. I couldn’t believe Cole had just said those things to me.

I heard the bathroom door open again, and then came a female voice. “Gabi? You in here?”

Jasmine.

With my hand shaking, I managed to undo the lock on the stall.

Taylor was with her.

Jasmine took one look at me and her face crumpled. She pulled me into her arms, and I sobbed on her shoulder. “Oh, Gabi, honey. I’m so sorry. I heard what happened. What a total jerk.”

“That … that’s the thing, though,” I managed to say between hiccupped sobs. “He’s not a jerk. I don’t know what’s come over him. It was like that wasn’t Cole speaking back there.”

“Sweetie, it was Cole. Unless he’s been taken over by aliens, which I think is highly unlikely, it was definitely Cole.”

I knew she was trying to coax a smile out of me, but it refused to come.

“Gabi,” said Taylor, though I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what she had to say. “Cole is trouble. He’s a heartbreaker. We’ve told you that from the start.”

I wanted to retort back that she would have been quite happy to jump into his pants herself if I’d stepped back, but I didn’t want to fight with her as well right now. I needed support, not another argument. I got that she didn’t like Cole, but at the same time I knew the main reason was because he liked me, not her. Or at least he had.

I sniffed. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” I agreed with her to keep the peace, but I didn’t believe what I was saying for a second. Something had happened. I was sure of it. Perhaps I was just in denial, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe Cole had only used me for sex.

We stood together, creating a little circle while my friends rubbed my back in comfort. “Do you want to go to class?” Jasmine asked me, her tone doubtful.

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to hang around school now. Everyone would be talking, and besides, I looked a mess. I’d never been a pretty crier, and right now my whole face felt swollen, my eyes red, and my nose so bunged up I couldn’t even breathe out of it.

“I’m going to skip class. I’ll head home.”

“Are you going to be all right on your own?” Taylor asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m going to go to bed with a pint of ice-cream and listen to sad music for the rest of the afternoon.”

Jasmine gave a tight smile. “That’s my girl.”

The truth was, I didn’t intend on hiding under my covers. I wanted to see Cole again and find out what was really happening. I loved him with every single cell in my body, and I knew he felt the same way about me.

I needed to see him so he would tell me the truth.

***

Perhaps it was
a bit stalkerish, but I decided to hang out on the street corner a block from Cole’s foster parents’ house. I knew he would need to come home at some point, and I was willing to wait it out. We needed to be able to talk in private if I was going to get the truth out of him.

I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I barely noticed the time go by. I tried to hold back the tears, but every now and then a sob burst through my defenses and I’d discovered my cheeks wet and salty. I didn’t give a single thought to anyone else. The only person I cared about was Cole.

Finally, I spotted him walking down the street, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his head down so his blond locks fell over his face. I stood, rooted to the spot, hoping he would notice me and come running, saying how sorry he was and covering my face in kisses. Perhaps I was pathetic for being there, and still desperately wanting him despite what he’d said, but he meant everything to me and the thought of a future with him not in it felt like I might as well just tear my heart out and lie down on the sidewalk to die.

But Cole didn’t notice me, and, if I wasn’t careful, he’d disappear inside the house. Then I’d have to go and knock on the door, and my presence would be noticed by the rest of his foster family. I didn’t want to have to speak to anyone else.

“Cole?” I called out, stepping out into the street so he would see me.

He stopped dead and his head snapped around to face me. His expression was strained, his face tight, and crazily he appeared thinner than he had earlier in the day, his skin paler. The cocky, blasé attitude had vanished, and instead he just appeared stressed and worried. Something was wrong. I knew it was. I’d known it from the moment he’d opened his mouth that afternoon.

“What’s happened?” I asked him, my gaze searching his face.

“Please, just go home, Gabi. You can’t be around me anymore.”

“Why not? Please, tell me the truth, Cole.”

He shook his head, not even looking directly at me. “Just go home.”

“No.” I was resolute. “I’ll sit on your damn doorstep until you tell me what’s happening. I don’t believe you want us to break up for one second.”

“We don’t always get what we want in life.”

I stared at him. “That’s not good enough.”

“Listen to me, Gabi. Being with me will get you hurt. Do you understand? Whether I want to or not, I will end up hurting you, and I can’t let that happen. From now on, we’re over. Just go and get on with your life, and leave me alone.”

I was baffled, hurt, frustrated, and angry.

“Let’s go and get a coffee and talk about this,” I said, grasping onto straws.

“I can’t. I have stuff to do.”

“Tomorrow, then, after school?” I offered, thinking the next twenty-four hours would be hell, but that I was willing to wait it out if it meant I got to spend time with Cole again.

But he shook his head. “I have somewhere I need to be tomorrow.”

What on earth could be more important than talking about our relationship?

“Where do you need to be?”

His gaze shifted from side to side, his sneaker scuffing the sidewalk. “I’ve got to move some gear for the band.”

My stomach lurched. “Is that what this is about? Is Ryan giving you a hard time about me?”

Alarm brightened his eyes and the certainty Ryan had said something about me grew deeper. “No,” he said. “I just have to move some stuff, that’s all.”

“Fine. I’ll come with you.”

He flung his arms up in the air, startling me so I reared back. “For fuck’s sake, Gabi. Why don’t you listen? I’ve told you I don’t love you. I’ve told you I don’t want you around anymore. Why won’t you listen to me?”

“No.” I said, stubborn, tears rolling down my face. “No, no, no.”

He grabbed me by the upper arms, not pushing me, but giving me a shake. He’d never touched me in anything other than affection before, and his reaction shocked me.

“I don’t want you involved, Gabi,” he hissed at me, his face in mine. “Ryan’s got me doing stuff for him, and I don’t do as he asks, he’s going to ruin you. So please, I need you out of this situation. You are the only thing he has over me. I couldn’t give a shit about anything else.”

I stared at him in horror. “So let him! I don’t care.”

“Well,
I
care, which is why I need you to get away from me.”

“What’s he got you doing for him? Is it illegal?”

His lack of an answer confirmed what I needed to know.

“Jesus, Cole. Please, whatever it is he’s making you do, just tell him no. I don’t care what he does to me. Just get the hell away from him.”

He shook his head. “No, Gabi. You’re the one who needs to get the hell away from me. I won’t say it again. Leave me alone.”

And with that, he turned and stormed back to his house, leaving me standing alone in the road, tears streaming down my face.