No Matter What (138 page)

Just thinking about his divorce made him need another drink and he opened the fridge, taking out a half full bottle of wine, looking for a clean glass in the disorganised cupboards around him.

It hadn’t been a particularly painful end to his marriage but it had still been hard.
 
And all his fault.
 
He hadn’t put the effort into making everything that was wrong right again and there’d been times when he hadn’t even wanted to bother.
 
His ex-wife hadn’t really deserved the apathy he’d given her.
 
It had been his fault and he knew that and he was dealing with it.
 
Amongst everything else that was going on in his head.

He found a glass and filled it to the brim with the rest of the wine, tipping the bottle upside down to get every last drop from the bottom, taking a long drink from it as the doorbell rang.

He looked at the clock.
 
It was after
midnight
, who was calling at this time?
 
He figured there was only one way to find out and he walked out into the spacious hallway, slowly opening the front door.

“Hello, Ray.”

“
India
… I ... I wasn’t ... this is a surprise.
 
It’s late, what are you ... I mean ...”

“Can I come in, Ray?
 
It’s bloody freezing out here.
 
I’ve lived in
L.A.
for eighteen years don’t forget; this British weather is killing me.”

“Sure, sorry, of course you can come in.”
 
He stood aside to let her into the hallway, still having no clue as to why she was here but something had to be wrong.
 
Just a couple of hours ago she’d been there on the TV with his brother, announcing their marriage and looking stomach-turningly happy, and now she was here.
 
So something had to be wrong.

She looked at his over-full glass of wine.
 
“Are you having a night something like mine then?”

She’d had to get away, after what had happened with Michael.
 
She couldn’t go straight back to JJ, not yet.
 
And the only other place she could think of to go was here, with Ray.

“Sorry?”
 
He followed her gaze and laughed.
 
“Oh, this.
 
No, I just fancied a drink ... what kind of night are
you
having anyway?
 
Why are you here,
India
?
 
I watched you on TV, I saw the interview.
 
Everything seemed fine.”

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t… it isn’t.”
 
She headed off into the kitchen, opening cupboards, looking for another glass, crouching down to take a bottle of red wine out of his wine rack then proceeding to open draws, trying to find a corkscrew.

“Is it you and Joe?”

She started to open the wine.
 
“No.
 
It isn’t me and Joe.
 
Not really.”

He raised an eyebrow.
 
It was obviously a Foster trait.
 
“Not really?”

She threw the cork aside and poured herself a glass of wine, taking a large mouthful as she looked at Ray.
 

“I saw Michael tonight.
 
I saw him, just before the interview, and it’s kind of, well, it’s shaken me, that’s all.”
 
She shrugged.
 
“I haven’t seen him in almost six years and it was a shock.
 
And to cap it all off I find out he’s also our director.
 
Did you know about that?”

Ray leaned back against the counter.
 
“No.
 
I had no idea.
 
I was waiting for the announcement tomorrow, like everyone else.
 
Is that why it’s been kept under wraps for so long?
 
Because of the history between you two?”

India
took another drink and shrugged again.
 
“Who knows?”
 
She felt the tears start to well up again and turned away from Ray for a second, blinking them back.
 
“It’s just been a long day and a stressful night.”
 
He didn’t know the half of it.
 
“I’ll be fine.”

Ray looked at her but said nothing.
 
He got the feeling she wasn’t ready to talk about it just yet.

“Ray, this place is a state, do you ever tidy anything up?” She started gathering plates and glasses together, opening the dishwasher and stacking them in there.
 
“I don’t know how you can live like this; can’t you get somebody in to help you?”

“
India
, you really don’t have to do this.”

She continued to tidy things up, clearing work surfaces and opening cupboard doors, obviously looking for something.

“Have you got any J cloths?
 
Anything to wipe down these surfaces with?
 
You’ve really got to get sorted, Ray.”
 
She gathered up a load of empty take away cartons and shoved them into the bin.
 
“And you can’t live on that stuff constantly; it’s not good for you.”

“
India
, will you just stop that?
 
Please?”

“It’s keeping me busy, I need to keep busy.”
 
She felt the tears threatening again as she started to vigorously clean the counter tops.

Ray put his glass down and went over to her.
 
He could see she was getting upset.
 
“Come on; let’s go into the living room.”

She threw the cleaning cloth into the sink and looked at him.

“I’m sorry, Ray.
 
I shouldn’t have come here, I shouldn’t have come here and put this on you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, really, it’s ok.
 
Come on.”

She took the hand he held out and followed him into the large and cosy living room.
 
He sat down on one of the sofas beside the fire and she sat next to him, putting her glass down on the table in front of them.

“Do you want to tell me what’s happened?” he asked, looking at her as she wrung her hands, staring straight ahead of her.
 
“I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but ...”

“It’s complicated, Ray.
 
Everything’s so bloody complicated.”

“Does Joe know you’re here?”

She shook her head.
 
“He doesn’t know where I am.
 
But him and Kenny, they were just too much, they weren’t helping.
 
I had to get out of there, get my head straight.”

“Shouldn’t you let him know you’re alright?”

“I’m not eight, Ray.
 
I can look after myself, and he knows that.
 
I’ll go back to the hotel soon; I just needed some time out.”

“So, what’s all this about?
 
And don’t say nothing because you wouldn’t be here on my doorstep at
half past midnight
on a Saturday night if it was nothing.”

India
looked at him.
 
“What I’m going to tell you has to be kept absolutely secret, Ray, and I mean that.
 
Joe’s only just found out himself, which is half the reason why this has all happened.”

“I won’t say a word.
 
I promise.”

“I need you to mean that.
 
I need you to really mean that.
 
Because this gets out and it affects my little boy, and I don’t care how it affects
me
but when it comes to my son I’ll protect him, no matter what.”

“I promise,
India
.”

She sat back, pulling her knees up to her chest, hugging them to her, taking a deep breath before she started to explain things to Ray.
 
She told him everything about Michael, about what had happened in the past, right up to what had happened just a few hours ago - although she missed out the part where she’d had sex with her ex-husband, almost as though not talking about it would make it feel like it had never happened - and it felt almost cathartic to be able to get it all out there, to talk to someone whose first reaction wasn’t to immediately hunt Michael down.

Ray listened, watching her as she spoke about things that had to be hurting her, things she’d obviously kept bottled up for far too long, but now he knew, more things made sense.
 
Including their night together.

When she’d finished he sat forward, wanting to take her hand and tell her it would all be ok but he couldn’t do that.
 
He couldn’t comfort her in the way he really wanted to.
 
That was the job of his brother now, and he just hoped that JJ could see past what Michael had done and realise it was support
India
needed from him, not anger.

“Jesus ...
India
...”

“It’s a bit of a mess, isn’t it?” she sighed.
 
A bigger mess than she’d let on, that was for sure.

“How can you forgive him?”

“Who says I have?”

He looked at her again as she continued to hug her knees tight to her chest.
 
She looked tired and drawn, her face a mask of pain and confusion.

“Are you serious about the movie?
 
About pulling out?”

She pushed a hand through her hair and looked at him.
 
“Being so close to him, seeing him every day ... it might be too hard, Ray.”
 
And wasn’t
that
the truth.

Ray looked down at his clasped hands.
 
And he’d thought
his
life was complicated.
 
“Reece is bringing Ethan over soon, isn’t he?
 
Maybe seeing him …”

She sighed.
 
“That just throws up another problem though, doesn’t it?
 
Ethan has never, ever seen his mum and dad together.
 
Never.
 
He’s six years old and he’s never seen his parents in the same room before.
 
How is he going to feel when he sees us together?
 
What’s that going to do to him?
 
He’s going to be so confused, Ray.
 
He’s going to ask questions and I don’t know what I’m going to say to him because, Jesus, what kind of a fucking mess have me and his dad created now?”

“Hey, come on …”

She took a deep breath, trying to get every confusing emotion in check.
 
Because she had to.
 
“I can deal with this,” she said, biting down on her bottom lip to try and stop more tears from falling.

“It’s a lot to deal with,
India
.”

She looked at him.
 
“I haven’t really been fair on JJ.
 
Have I?
 
I should have told him the truth about Michael from the beginning.”
 
She stared deeper into Ray’s piercing green eyes, eyes so different to JJ’s deep, dark ones.
 
“I should have told him about us.”

Ray couldn’t break the stare.
 
“Told him everything?”

She looked away, starting to fiddle with her wedding ring, twisting it round her finger.
 
“No.
 
Not everything.”

Ray didn’t say anything for a minute.
 
He was just trying to take it all in.

“You’ve been through a lot tonight,
India
.
 
Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I will be.
 
Tonight’s just been strange ... not what I expected.”
 
She looked at him again and for a second their eyes locked together, no words spoken.
 
Just like that night five years ago.
 
“What did we do, Ray?”
 
Her voice was quiet.

“Nothing we should be ashamed of.”

“How can you say that?
 
You were married, you had a wife and I knew that and I still went through with it, and you let me.
 
You didn’t stop me, you didn’t stop
yourself
.
 
Some of the things we did ...”

“... were incredible.
 
They were incredible,
you
were incredible and I don’t regret a second of it,
India
.
 
Not one second.”

“You were married, Ray.”

“I don’t regret a second of it.
 
I couldn’t stop myself,
India
, I just couldn’t. Something drew me to you, something I couldn’t explain.
 
I had to have you.
 
I had to.
 
And at the time, you wanted me too, didn’t you?”

She looked away from him and nodded.
 
She couldn’t lie.
 
At the time she
had
wanted him.
 
She’d really wanted him, and she’d needed him.
 
She’d needed something, anyway.
 
Some
one
.