No Love Lost (18 page)

To my relief I discovered that I was quite past feeling hurt. I had had more than I could take already that morning, and now I found myself in that quiet grey country which is on the the other side of pain. I was hard and uncharacteristically shrewd and quick-witted.

‘Oh, I think any bachelor in a small town like this is hopelessly vulnerable to gossip,' I remarked lightly, ‘but I hardly see poor Victor as the local Don Juan, I'm afraid.' In my tone there was just enough contempt for the wild life of Tinworth to arouse her. I found that once one decided to pull no punches she was almost simple to manage. She rose to the bait at once.

‘Oh, don't you be so sure,' she said, quite forgetting who I was, apparently, in her anxiety to make her point. ‘He's been awfully well behaved lately, of course, but
last winter
…! Well, there never is any smoke without fire, is there? Besides, you
can't tell
me
. What about that little hidey-hole he has out on the road to Latchendon?'

The cottage by the golf course?' I said wonderingly.

‘Golf course!' she exploded. ‘What other man wants a cottage to play golf in?'

It occurred to me that she had something there, and that either I'd been born blind or was ripe for the half-wit home. But to do Victor justice, I'd been shown over the place, which was a very primitive little affair, and had understood it was merely an escape from the school for an occasional semi-camping week-end. I knew he'd lent it to a couple of masters once or twice during term, and it had been used for school picnics. It had certainly never struck me as being anything in the light of a love nest. But now that she mentioned it, I could see that it was perhaps a rather odd place for him to possess, little more than a couple of miles out of town.

‘What is he supposed to take up there?' I demanded. ‘Strings of dancing girls?'

I suppose the bitterness showed through. Anyway, it was not an intelligent thing to have said, for she gave me a sudden wary glance and began to retract, stumbling over herself in her anxiety.

‘Oh, I'm not saying there was anything wrong, my dear. I only spoke of the talk, and how grateful he must be to you that that's all died down. Tinworth isn't narrow-minded. After all, none of us are saints, are we?'

She gave me a roguish smile which belonged all to the 1920s and pulled up beside the school gates.

‘I thought
your
boy friend was very handsome this morning, for instance. Had you met him before? You seemed to be getting along very well.'

She caught me off guard and I felt my expression growing horror-stricken. She laughed outright at that and touched my arm.

‘Round and round the town, every time one came out of a shop there you were tearing down the road with your heads together. You can't say you don't know who I mean. He's doing a locum for Dr Browning, isn't he? Somebody pointed
you both out to me this morning and said so, I forget who. Well, don't cut the Flower lecture tomorrow, will you? So long, my dear, and I shall tell everybody that we were quite wrong about you. I think you're quite wonderful …'

The car slid away without my having to say anything at all, which was merciful in the circumstances.

The rose-red buildings looked forbidding and forlorn as schools do out of term time. The shaven grass was well worn and although there was no litter or untidiness about, yet the place had all the shabby sadness of a deserted nursery. I walked along the side path, aware of the heat haze and of the loneliness, but principally conscious that I had no place there. This was not my home. However much I tried, it would never have room for me.

I passed under the main arch which had been constructed through the house into the quadrangle behind without seeing a soul, but instead of going straight to the Headmaster's Lodging, which was in the centre of the block on the southern side, I passed by it and went on to the narrow gate behind the chapel. I had got to have things out once and for all with Victor, but I wanted to be quite sure of myself first. There must be no tears or other signs of hysteria in that interview, and I needed a little more time to collect myself.

Behind the chapel lay all those utility buildings, old and new, which did not fit into the main architectural scheme. The boiler houses were there, and the glasshouses and the swimming pool, the disused stables and the laundries, all huddled together in a fine muddle of old elegance and new necessity. I went into the stables, and as my footsteps sounded on the bricks there was a single shrill bark from the farther loose-box. Izzy was in my arms a moment later, bounding up on his short legs, his hard brindled body wriggling in ecstasy. This wild greeting nearly broke my heart, it was so uncharacteristic of his dour Scotty personality. A year before he would never have lowered his dignity by anything more than a discreet wagged tail at my arrival, but then at that time we had never been apart during his lifetime. This kennel business was part of Victor's discipline.
He had been very nice about it but very firm. I had seen that if the boys were not allowed pets in the school I could hardly expect to have mine at large, and so very comfortable quarters were arranged for Izzy and I took him for walks every day. It was very nice, but just not our idea of life, that was all. Poor Izzy and poor Liz, both victims of the same silly mistake. However, this was the end of all that. I had decided it.

I set Izzy down and left the door of the box wide.

‘Come on, I said, ‘you get a bath after lunch. You smell like a dog.'

He peered at me from under his fierce old-man eyebrows and the little black eyes which had earned him his pet name were shining and hopeful. He bounded a little, very clumsily as Scotch terriers do, and then parked himself at my heels in complete content. Where I was going, so was he. I felt much better with him behind me.

We came back together and were crossing the yard when the door of the shower room, which was next to the pool, was shattered open and a most unexpected person came reeling out almost on top of us. It took me a moment or two to recognize Mr Rorke, our much-discussed science master. It was generally understood that Rorke, although admittedly brilliant, possessed what was euphemistically described as an ‘unfortunate failing'. Until now I had never taken the story seriously. I had only seen the gaunt white-faced scarecrow of a man at meals in the dining-hall, and perhaps twice at the dreary functions which were described as the ‘Headmaster's coffee party', and then he had seemed to me to be a harmless and even a pathetic figure. I had supposed somewhat vaguely that his transgressions took the form of quiet tippling in the secrecy of his room, and was quite unprepared for this spectacular performance so early in the day. Moreover, he appeared to have attempted to remedy matters by taking a shower, at least from the waist upwards, but as he had omitted to remove even his jacket for the operation his condition now was pitiful. I never saw a man in such a mess. His hair hung over his eyes in a damp mass and he was shaking violently. Izzy drew back and began to growl and I hesitated, uncertain whether it would be kindest to offer
assistance or to ignore him altogether. To my dismay he paused directly in my path and shook a wavering acid-stained hand at me.

‘You too,' he shouted, ‘you too.'

I did not quite gather the rest of the sentence. It sounded as if he prophesied that I should or should not be sorry, I was not sure which.

‘You go and change and lie down,' I commanded, summoning all the authority I could muster. ‘You'll feel better.' But my tolerance faded suddenly and the smile was wiped off my face.

Through his tousled hair his eyes peered at me with an intensity which was intelligent and menacing. I drew back involuntarily and he swung away and lurched off down the yard towards the back gates. I looked after him, wondering if I ought not to do something to see he came to no harm, or if it would be unwise to interfere. Izzy settled the matter by prodding me firmly in the ankle with his wet nose. It was one of his most characteristic gestures and meant ‘get along out of here'. It reminded me that I had troubles of my own to attend to, so I collected myself and went along to the Lodging to find Victor.

As Izzy and I entered the light, white-painted hall where the parquet shone with hygienic cleanliness, the silence of the building descended on me like a tangible cloak. In the normal way the house was full of hurrying people, and the chatter of typewriters from the school office never seemed to cease. But all was quiet now and still in the sunlight. It was a queer little dwelling, designed for its purpose by the architect who had converted the mansion. On the ground floor there were two rooms, one on either side of the square hall. One was the office, the other was the Headmaster's study. On the floor above was a drawing-room for the Headmaster's entertaining, a very small dining-room, a bachelor bedroom and bath. One floor higher still was a little suite of three rooms for the use, presumably, of any family the Headmaster might want to tuck away up there. Until my arrival it had been deserted. Now I lived there, for the most part of the time alone. There was no housekeeping. We came under school management. The school servants kept the house clean. We fed in hall with the boys during the day,
and in the evenings our meal was sent up from the school kitchens and served with due ceremony by the head steward. Victor had always lived like that and had seemed horrified when, early in the present term, I had suggested that I might install a small kitchen of my own. I suppose I ought to have put my foot down over some of these points, but when one is fighting against the conviction that one has made a really big mistake, one is apt to be unduly cautious about making small ones, so I had concentrated on trying to make a go of things, on fitting in and giving way. It had got me exactly nowhere. I was getting that into my head at last.

Well, if it was to be settled once and for all, the sooner the better. I pulled myself together and walked into the study. I did not knock, as I usually did in case Victor was interviewing somebody. Term was over and I was in my own house.

But there was no one at the big desk which spread so importantly over the far half of the carpet. The tall windows draped with formal curtains were closed. The room was airless and deserted. It was anticlimax and I was turning to go out again when a smothered gasp from the fireplace on my left brought me wheeling round towards it.

Mr Seckker was kneeling on the hearthrug, surprised in the very act of burning something in the empty grate, for a thin blue wand of smoke still wavered up the chimney as I looked. For a second he stared at me, dismay on his prim, wrinkled face, but he recovered himself at once and hopped up with quite remarkable agility to stand smiling at me with all his wonted courtliness, although he took care, I noticed, to step between me and the fireplace.

‘Oh, it's you, Mrs Lane,' he said easily. ‘I thought for a moment it was the Headmaster returning. I don't know that I shall wait for him after all. I can come up tomorrow.'

‘Is Victor out?' I said in surprise. ‘I've just come back from the town. I didn't meet him.'

‘Then he must have gone the other way, musn't he?' he said, twinkling at me. ‘I was in my classroom and I saw him drive out of the gates – when was that? Let me see, half an hour ago perhaps. I came in here to bring him some books and settled
down to wait with my pipe. I flicked a match into the grate and I'm afraid I set light to some litter which was there. I was just seeing it was all right when you came in.'

He made the unnecessary explanation with bland charm and even waved a palpably empty pipe at me by way of corroboration. I nodded absently. Whatever he was doing, it had nothing to do with me. I was thinking of Victor.

‘You don't know where he's gone, do you?' I said. ‘I mean, he'll be in to lunch, won't he?'

‘I really don't know.' He looked astounded at my ignorance and faintly disapproving. I realized that Mr Seckker's sister knew to the hour and second when her brother would be in to a meal. ‘I've not seen him myself this morning. He was closeted in here with Rorke when I arrived and so I went up to my classroom. Then I saw him go out. Dear me, it's past twelve. I must get back.'

He glanced behind him at the fireplace with misleading casualness and, seeing, no doubt, that all was well, came across the room to me. As he passed I suddenly remembered.

‘Oh yes,' I said, ‘Mr Rorke. I suppose he'll be all right?'

‘All right?' He stopped in his tracks and stared at me with sudden sternness. ‘What do you mean by that?'

I told him of my encounter in the stable yard and as he listened I got the impression that he was relieved rather than scandalized.

‘Wet, was he?' he said, laughing a little in a dour elderly way. ‘Oh yes, he'll be all right, silly fellow. Don't give him another thought, Mrs Lane. Good morning.' Half-way across the hall he glanced back. ‘Please don't bother the Headmaster with any message from me. I may or may not drop in tomorrow. The matter I was going to mention to him is of no importance.' Without actually saying so he made me realize that it was a definite request and I said, ‘I won't then.'

He still hesitated and finally added, with a diffidence which was quite charming: ‘Unless you feel you ought, I don't think I should bother him about Rorke either. He's a silly young juggins, but it's not strictly term time, although he was on school premises …'

‘Of course,' I said. ‘I shouldn't dream of mentioning it to him.'

‘Ah.' It was a satisfied little sound. He gave me a nod which was almost a bow, and pattered off, letting himself quietly out of the house and closing the door behind him. I started upstairs, the little brindled shadow which was Izzy close at my heels, and smiled at his description of Rorke, who must have been close on the, to me, impossible age of forty if I was any judge at all. The sudden vista of years all to be spent in the aridity of Buchanan House took me by surprise, and to my dismay I felt if not a scream at least a protesting squeak rising up in my throat. I blushed at myself. Things were getting me down farther than I had supposed. I realized this afresh when Izzy's low growl behind me made me start so violently that I almost stepped on him.