No Life But This (17 page)

When I had kissed Rose, I’d allowed myself to play a part. It was a script written by a memory – a strong, stass-reinforced memory, but a memory nonetheless – of someone else. It was Rose’s impression of Xavier, and I had put it on like a suit of clothes. Now I had been battered
by a psyche-induced persona of an old man’s tortured youth. Because I was already primed by my submission to Rose’s memory, it invaded me, occupied me, overlay all my own impulses – and I was emotionally weak enough to simply let it take over.

I became Xavier.

Going mad is difficult to describe. I’d like to say that my own persona split off and sat back, watching everything that the Xavier persona did with detached interest. It would make everything I relayed after that very simple. But it wasn’t like that. I was still me. I was simply Xavier. I know – but it made sense at the time.

I wept in impotent fury for I don’t know how long. Then
I realized my head was in my hands, and that I had hands to hold my head in. My sobbing eased off. I wiped my eyes and looked down at my hands. They were bluish. They weren’t supposed to be blue, but of course they were blue, they’d always been blue. It was a detail that was unimportant. I dismissed it. That I had hands was the important thing. I wasn’t trapped anymore. The old man no longer held
me.

I clasped my hands on my lap, my index fingers in a steeple. It was Xavier’s gesture – one Rose remembered and the old man still did. I didn’t make any decisions about which parts of me were me and which parts were Xavier, or have any sudden realization that something had changed. Everything that didn’t make sense didn’t matter, so I didn’t pay attention to it. I stood up and did what Xavier
would do – I went to find Rose.

She was nowhere to be found. In the further chaos of the street, we’d become separated. My memory had faded as if into greyscale behind my madness, and though I remembered that I had been in a hotel of some sort, I could not recall where it was.

A sudden blow nearly knocked me over, then, as a cowled figure grabbed me roughly and hugged me tight enough that I
couldn’t breathe. I tried to fight him off, and he released me. ‘What the hell are you doing out here?’ the figure shouted.

I pulled away and stared at him. Who …? Blue-grey skin, arrogant yellow eyes, quite a lot of strength if the way he grabbed me was any indication. Right, his name was Quin, and he was an annoyance. In the same way that a mosquito might be an annoyance. ‘What the coit, you’re
just sitting here? I thought you were dead! Everyone’s in a panic. Noid, you’re covered in blood.’ He lunged for me, as if he was to grab me again, and I shied away. I did not want him to touch me – I hadn’t yet remembered why. I opened my mouth to say that I was fine. It was only the old man’s blood, and I hoped he died from it, the thieving old screw. The only sound that came out was a whispery
croak, and I shut my mouth hastily.

Clearly, I had to figure out how this body worked. I opened and closed my fists to assess strength. Stronger than the old man, but weaker than I had been when I was still wholly myself. And blue. And I couldn’t talk.

‘Otto? What’s going on?’

Otto. That was the name of the body I was in. Right. And this Quin considered himself Otto’s brother, and I’d best
say something to him or he was going to touch me, and …

Right. That was how I got here in the first place.

‘
I’m fine.’
I dredged the sign up from greyscale memories, and then moved my hands to see if I remembered any more. Cool. I still remembered the language. ‘
I have to find Rose.’

Quin glowered. ‘Rose. You’re drenched in blood, abandoned in the middle of a riot at the site of an explosion,
I risk life and limb to find you, and you want to find the girl who left you here.’

‘
She didn’t know who I was,’
I signed. ‘
It’s fine. Where is she?’

Quin frowned. ‘You’re looking a little weird, bro, what’s going on?’

‘
Nothing. Where is the hotel?’

Quin tilted his head away as if he was looking at something decidedly creepy. ‘Back that way,’ he said warily. ‘But half the streets are cordoned
off. Come on. We gotta get you back to the docs.’

‘
I do not need a doctor,
’ I signed patiently. ‘
I simply need to find Rose.’

‘She’s probably with the doctor,’ Quin said. ‘Come on.’

Quin grabbed me roughly by the sleeve of my coat and yanked me through the milling crowd. He kept throwing me odd looks as he manoeuvred his way through the Crystal Village. The old me would have recognized the
signs of barely contained fury, but at that moment, I didn’t care. When we finally arrived at the Norway Chalet, it was clear that things had changed a great deal since our easy, incognito arrival.

The chalet was sealed off, and small troop of uniformed guards were standing at the main entrance. I half expected them to shout, ‘Halt! Who goes there!’ as we approached, but all they did was lower
their squat, compact weapons and glare. ‘State your business.’

Quin lowered his new cowl and promptly yanked my bloodstained blue hood off my head. ‘Let us in.’

The guns were put up, and one of the guards unlocked the door and ushered us through.

The general pandemonium outside was echoed as we entered the lobby, as nurses and uniformed security and several harried-looking hotel employees tried
to placate a shouting young woman in the middle of the room. ‘What do you mean you can’t find him!’ Rose barked. ‘How hard can it be? It’s not as if he doesn’t stand out in a crowd. What do we pay you for, to sit on your thumbs and eat bonbons? Where is the security on this hell hole?’

‘If you’ll just calm down,’ said a nurse.

Rose rounded on him. ‘And you! You drag us all away without even
checking to see if all our party is still with us? What kind of system do you run up here? Otto is sick, he could be dying. He could have been kidnapped, for all you can tell me!’

One of the security guards said, ‘Now, then,’ but Rose cut him off. ‘And what are you still doing here
?
I told you to go out and
find
him, and all you do is tell me it’s being handled? It is
not
being handled, or you’d
be out there yourselves. I am not one of your pretty city-ship aristocrats to be distracted and placated; I’m the Fitzroy, and I expect results, and I expect them
immediately
, or there
will
be consequences, mark my words.’ She rounded on another nurse, ‘And don’t you dare approach me with that damned needle, sir! I will
not
be drugged into submission.’

I was almost laughing. I had never seen
Rose so strong, not in either set of memories, and the idea that she was this angry over me was delightful. I pushed through the crowd and threw my arms around her for what felt like the first time in decades. There she was, whole and perfect and mine, and I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her, right in front of everyone, until she pushed me away with a gasp. Her mind was a white noise of shock,
but I wasn’t really paying attention to what she thought right then. I stood back and grinned at her.

‘Where … you finally found him?’ Rose glared at the chief security guard in the group.

‘Actually,
I
found him,’ Quin said loudly from the middle of the room, and everyone turned to look at him. ‘Your pet security hadn’t actually
looked,
princess, and neither had you. He was right where you left
him.’

‘You were still by the clinic?’ she asked me.

Quin laughed. ‘Of course he was, princess. Your little blue puppy dog here wouldn’t
dream
of straying long from his only source of passionate romantic melodrama.’

‘Get out, all of you,’ Rose said imperiously. ‘And you’d best hope I never learn your names.’ The contempt was strong in her voice.

They
scurried
. She was so wonderful I couldn’t
help it. I kissed her again.

‘Otto!’ Rose pushed me away again, and I let her, with the realization that I probably had to take this a little more slowly than I wanted to. ‘Oh, you’re cold as ice. He was still near the clinic?’

‘Yeah,’ Quin said, ‘and you’d best call back one of your docs to take a look at him, ’cause he’s acting weird.’

‘
I am not
,’ I signed.

‘You let me be the judge of that,’
Quin said.

‘
No
,’ I signed. ‘
I’m no child that you need to coddle.’

‘I saved your life, Mister Sit-in-the-cold-till-everyone-thinks-I’m-dead. Twice now.’

‘
That doesn’t give you power over me.’

‘Oh, bull, that’s why I’m here in the first place.’

‘What? To pretend to be the hero?’

‘Pretend? You’re forcing me into it! You’re the one who went out onto a bomb site and let yourself get lost. I
never should have left you alone.’

‘I don’t believe for one moment you actually care about me.’

‘You go to hell!’ Quin snapped, his patience broken. He grabbed me by the arm and shook me. ‘I’m here for you, or I wouldn’t be here at all!’

He was furious – furious in a way that both startled and angered me. I was Xavier. Half of me thought, very strongly, that I barely knew this jerk, and he
had no jurisdiction over me.
‘Get the hell off me!’
I sent at him.

He threw me against the wall. It hurt. ‘I thought you were dead! I wish I’d been right!’

With an instinctive movement I shot my leg out and hooked it around Quin’s ankle. As he toppled I pulled him down, kneed him in the stomach, and then knocked him sideways with my elbow. It was over in a few seconds, and Rose stared at me,
mouth agape.

Quin looked up at me from the floor. His voice was hoarse and very soft. ‘Who the coit
are
 you?’

I looked down at Quin, Quin, 50, my brother, and for a moment was fully and wholly myself. I looked at my hands. I had no idea where I had gotten those skills. Then 42 whispered in my mind. (
They’re his. Xavier’s. He learned them during the Dark Times.)
I bent my head, trying to find
myself.

Quin climbed shakily to his feet, staring at me. ‘You okay?’ Rose asked, reaching down for him.

Quin yanked his arm away. ‘You get the coit away from me! This is all your fault, anyway.’

‘What is?’

‘Him! Can’t you see it? He’s going insane, and it’s a pretty short trip, really.’

Rose rolled her eyes. ‘Fine. I’m just going to assume you’re brothers and let you deal with it.’

‘Good
plan,
’ I signed.

‘Yeah, we can deal with it,’ Quin said, came up to me and feinted a punch at my face. If he’d actually hit me, it would have knocked me against the wall. As it was I pulled back and blinked. Whatever instinct Xavier had induced in me before, it was gone now. ‘If you weren’t sick!’ Quin hissed at me.

‘Well, the fact is, he is, Quin!’ Rose cried. ‘So get over it!’

Quin turned
and blinked at her. ‘Get
over
it?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Get over what, princess? My mutilated biology or my institutional upbringing?’

Rose visibly shrank. ‘I just meant him disappearing. He didn’t mean to worry us.’

Quin glared at her, but his anger was fading. He snorted at me. ‘Hope you were getting some ice-village tail, ladies’ man, put
her
in her place.’ He turned to leave while Rose
blushed bright red.

Rose came up and hugged me. I pulled my head away to keep from touching her. I was shaking, and it wasn’t only the cold. I didn’t know what was happening. ‘Are you okay? Really?’ Rose asked.

I closed my fists as Xavier took over again.

‘Why did you leave me?’ I whispered in Rose’s ear.

‘I didn’t mean to,’ Rose said, pulling away, ‘it all happened so fast. The clinic was
full up, thanks to the explosion, so the EMTs arranged to bring Xavier here. He’s okay. Just stunned, and they gave him a transfusion because of his age. They thought he might have lost too much blood. There are nurses here to monitor him, but there shouldn’t be any lasting damage. Oh, Otto. You saved him, do you realize that?’

I kept myself from saying I didn’t care what happened to the old
man. I nodded yes. Then I reached for her, pulling her into a fierce embrace. ‘I missed you,’ I whispered.

‘You’ve only been gone a few hours.’

I stared at her. ‘It felt like a lifetime.’

Rose smiled, and then pulled away as someone came into the lobby. It was Dr Zellwegger. ‘Quin tells me you’re not feeling well?’

I rolled my eyes.
‘I’m fine!’
I signed, exasperated.

Dr Zellwegger turned
to Rose for the translation. ‘Well, Quin seems fairly certain that something is wrong with you, Otto. That you’re acting erratic. I think we’d better give you a work-up.’

I sagged. There was nothing wrong with me that an hour in Rose’s arms wouldn’t cure. ‘
No!
’ I signed. ‘
Can’t it wait until the morning? Isn’t everyone busy?’
That was it. ‘
Worry about Xavier,’
I signed.

‘He says we should worry
about your father, not him,’ Rose said. ‘Look, I’ll stay with him. Arrange for a work-up in the morning, all right?’

‘You’ll stay with him?’ Dr Zellwegger asked. ‘All right. If he has an episode, or another seizure …’

‘I know what to do.’

Dr Zellwegger nodded his goodbyes and left.

‘Otto, you are acting weird,’ Rose said.

I smiled at her.

‘Like that,’ Rose said. ‘Since when do you smile?’

‘Come,’
 I signed, grabbed her by the sleeve, and dragged her up the stairs to her suite. She was panting by the time we got up and opened the door.

‘Otto!’ she said. ‘You know I can’t run like you can!’

I wasn’t listening to her. Almost violently, I pressed her against the back of the door and kissed her, running my fingers down her arms like I knew she loved. She was wildly confused, turning
her face away. ‘Otto!’

‘Don’t call me that,’ I whispered.

‘What?
What?
’

‘Rose, can’t you see me? It’s me. I’m here, I’m free.’

‘Otto, what are you talking about?’

‘I’m free, I escaped. I’ve been right here, all the time, trapped in that old man’s body. If I could have killed him to get to you, I would have. Rose, let me touch you. I’ve missed you so much.’ Whispering was hell – I wished I
could shout, I was so glad I could touch her.

‘Otto!’ I reached to kiss her, but she turned her face again. ‘Stop it!’

I stopped, but I was frantic. ‘It’s me,’ I whispered, getting desperate now. I hadn’t escaped just to have her deny me. ‘Come on, you have to see me. You have to recognize me. I’m me. Xavier. The old man was dying, and your friend reached for that life and he found me, and I
took his hand and I held on! I held on, and I escaped, and I can have you now.’ I touched her soft, pale cheek. ‘
Finally, I can have you.’
This thought communication thing was going to be a blast. She could hear my voice, now, inside her head.
My
voice, Xavier’s young, hungry voice.