No Life But This (12 page)

Rose looked at him with distaste. ‘They don’t wake everyone at
once. They’ve split us into four sections, and we’re woken up in waves. They only lay on oxygen in this part of the ship for a week, once every month and a half.’

‘Right, right,’ Quin said. ‘Where’s the communication booths? I want to send a message to someone.’

‘They’re to your left off the social lounges,’ Rose said. She looked at me. Her lips were very red. ‘You’ve got some messages from
Bren and your sisters.’

I nodded, and made my excuses before I fled to the buffet. I had absolutely no idea what to say to Rose. I wasn’t sure whether I should apologize or act like nothing had happened or, impossibly, fawn on her as if our liaison had been perfectly natural. I really hadn’t planned on having to deal with the aftermath of our little tryst. And the worst of it was, I was still
echoing with it. I couldn’t forget the taste of her lips, the feel of her skin against mine. My skin tingled when I remembered. But hadn’t I promised that it wasn’t real? That we could pretend it hadn’t happened? I wondered what she saw when she looked at me. Myself, blue-skinned Otto, her friend and confidant? Or the man who had raped her memories, manipulating her for his own selfish ends?

(Isn’t that a little harsh?)

‘
No. It’s true.’

(I don’t see her crying into her coffee over it.)

‘Rose doesn’t drink coffee.’

(You know what I mean. It doesn’t seem to be bothering her any.)

Rage boiled in me.
‘Rose doesn’t consider an assassin a poor way to say I love you! Of course she isn’t bothered!
’

(So why are you letting it bother you?)

The words that entered my head were, of all
things, ‘
Because I’m a human being!
’ But of course I wasn’t. I set my tray down on the edge of the buffet and looked back at Rose. She was looking at her plate, dutifully trying to choke down more of her meal. As I watched, Quin wolfed down the last of his food, kissed Rose roughly on the forehead and headed off towards the social lounges. Rose wiped the grease off her forehead with her napkin
and looked around for me. I knew Quin had only kissed her to annoy me. Rose’s deep brown gaze met mine, and I nearly staggered. I couldn’t face her. Abandoning my plate I fled, following Quin to the social lounges.

The three large social lounges held a smattering of passengers, but Quin wasn’t in any of them. I figured he was in one of the tiny communication booths on the other side of the corridor.
Several of them were marked ‘occupied’. Finally I stepped into a free one, sat at the screened desk, and let the retina scanner access my personal message files.

The ship had been collecting them since I’d gone into stasis. There were four messages from Penny, two from Tristan, one from Dr Bija, one from Jamal and one from Bren. I skimmed through Penny’s, which were rambling discussions of her
first few weeks of what she called ‘real school!’ since she’d only been in UniPrep’s summer programme before now. Tristan’s first message was from herself, telling me about getting on to the Uni track team. Her second was a video message she had made at the lab on a weekend visit to the simple ones. She had managed to get Fifen and Toseph and Niney and Thirteen to hum a song for me. It was whispery
as the buzz of bees, but it was charming in its way. Fifen – who could speak – even added words about me flying to Europa. They didn’t rhyme, or scan, but it was sweet of her. I sent them back a greeting with a stock video image from Luna base, showing the
Daedalus
on her takeoff procedure, complete with a half-Earth glowing in the sky above.

Dr Bija had sent me a collection of poetry written
by the Russian cosmonaut Ivan Nesytski, from around the time of the colonization of Titan. They were mostly about isolation in deep space, but I wasn’t really up to contemplating them just then.

Jamal gave me a list of places I should be sure to visit on the
Minos
, and a few games I could play with the low G in the ice villages or if I ever ended up on the lower levels of the city ship. He kept
telling me how much fun I was going to have.

Bren, when I finally opened his message, was more subdued. He was the first person to acknowledge that he was sending me a letter I might not ever receive.

‘I really, really hope you wake up to hear this, Otto,’ Bren said in his video message. He was in his own room at Unicorn, and I could see Rose’s dog Dizzy behind him on his bed, gnawing on one
of Bren’s old tennis shoes. ‘I hope you came through stasis okay, and I hope Rose’s recovery hasn’t regressed. Things are turning along pretty good out here. I hurt my knee again, but I still got into finals at national tennis championships.’ He stopped. Bren looked depressed. ‘You don’t give a coit about my tennis. You want to know something scary? I don’t either.’ He stopped for a long time and
just stared into the distance. The seconds ticked by on the message clock. ‘I miss you, Otto,’ he said suddenly. ‘I miss Rose. I wish I could have come with you. There are some things happening down here, and … well. Never mind. It might all come to nothing, anyway. I just really wish you and Rose had been here as it all came down … but I can’t even talk about it with you.’ He shook his head. ‘Don’t
know how my granddad stood it all those years. Stasis. Noid. It’s like you’ve been dead for the last month. Take care of each other, okay?’ He turned the recorder off.

I sat there, not knowing what to write him in reply. As far as I knew – and I tended to know better than most – Bren never really felt anything, good or bad. He travelled indifferently through life with an easy-going grin and a
quiet acceptance. What was going on that he was so depressed now?

I pulled up a keyboard and tried to write him a response, but I didn’t know what to say. As I thought, another message for me came through on my account. I opened it up, wondering if Tristan had received my note.

It wasn’t Tristan.

Otto, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I think I can guess. I made you break your
code of ethics – or you think I did. But you didn’t, Otto. You didn’t hurt me or do anything you need to feel ashamed about. I wanted what you did. Honest. In fact, I feel really selfish, I wanted it so much. And I’m sorry I’m so broken, and I can’t love you the way you deserve. I don’t know what to do about it. I just wish you’d talk to me again.

Rose.

I closed my eyes. I pulled up a reply
and thought about what to write. I couldn’t think of anything. Finally, I just let my fingers travel and sat back to read whatever came out.

I don’t know what to do, either. I love you, you know. I love you so much it’s as if I’ve been sliced open inside, and I can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose you – really lose you. But the worst of it is, I don’t need to imagine. Because I’ve
lived through it before. I’ve lost people I loved, and I’ve done stupid things and I’ve hurt people and I’m sure I’m about to do it again. You may not realize it, but I’ve done something unforgivable. And the fact that you don’t realize it is what makes it ten times worse. You are broken, and you are hurt, and I used that, and I manipulated you, and whether I’m sick or no, there’s no excuse for that.
I just … Oh, gods.

There was nothing to say. I hit send quickly before I erased the whole message. A millisecond later I regretted it wholeheartedly, and wished I’d never even written it.

A few minutes later Rose sent me a reply. You haven’t hurt me, Otto.

I know what I did, I sent back.

What do you want to do now?

I don’t know.

You have to know.

I don’t have to say! I can lie like this,
so let me tell a polite lie, just for once!

There was a long pause. Please don’t be angry with me.

I’d hurt her. Burn it, I was messing up all over the place! Don’t ever think this is you. This is me.

I was there, too. I let you. That was me.

I didn’t have anything to say to that.

Please tell me what you think we should do.

I really don’t know that. I do know what I want. But what I want
is impossible, and we both know that.

So you don’t plan on it?

On what?

On doing it again.

You don’t actually want me to, do you?

I don’t know what I want. I wish I could just let it go and be whole again. But then I look at him, and his milky hazel eyes, and I love him so much, and I can’t let it go. You can’t make me better, can you?

I actually laughed. Not without stripping you of all
your memories and leaving you lobotomized. Probably not even then.

I didn’t think so.

So. What do you want to do?

I want to make you better. I want to get you to Europa and find out what’s wrong with you and fix it so you’ll never get sick again. I never want to lose you.

You can’t let anyone go, can you.

Rose didn’t answer. I sat there for a long time just waiting for her reply. Then I heard
the door open, quietly, behind me. ‘No,’ Rose said, her voice thick. ‘No, I can’t let anyone go.’

I turned to look at her. She stood in the door of the booth with her feet close together, her hands clasped carefully before her. Her back was straight and her head was half bowed. She looked like a little girl, apologizing to her parents. I realized this upright, submissive pose was what she fell
into when she thought she was in trouble. She looked so vulnerable, so fragile. I wanted to hold her. Well, I always wanted to hold her, but just then I wanted to protect her.

I stood up and went to her. I didn’t know what to say. As I came close her gaze tilted up to examine my eyes. I’d never really realized how much taller I was than her. Whether it was the repeated stasis or her own genetics,
she was quite small. She towered so in my mind that her physical form was seen as a separate entity, seen by itself, alone, with no comparisons. She barely came past my chin. And I’m not very tall, really. Tenderly I pulled her to me, cradling her head against my chest. I stroked her hair. I didn’t know what to do.

‘Me either,’ Rose said.

I pulled away. She’d done it again – read things I hadn’t
actually sent to her.

‘Do you think this was a mistake?’

‘
I didn’t care at the time,’
I signed.

‘Me either,’ Rose whispered. She opened her mouth to say something, then hesitated, blushing crimson. ‘I didn’t realize how hungry I was.’

I covered my mouth with my hand, feeling awkward. Finally I signed,
‘I’ve made things worse, haven’t I.’

‘In that sense? Yes. I can still … feel it. And the
memory is so strong.’

She was feeling the same stass effects I was.

‘It felt really … really nice,’ she admitted, blushing. ‘There’s a part of me wants to kiss you, but … the thought scares me.’ Rose shook her head. ‘I don’t know if I’m better or worse,’ she said. ‘I don’t think I’ll know until I try to sleep.’ She chuckled, but it was without humour. ‘See what direction my nightmares go in.’

‘I’m sorry
,’ I signed.

‘No, you usually keep my nightmares at bay,’ she said. ‘Or, they’re worse when I don’t get a chance to link up and talk with you, anyway.’

I hadn’t known that.

She bit her lip. ‘What do we do?’

I knew what I wanted to do. I reached for her, my fingers very gently fondling her hair. ‘We could try,’ I whispered.

‘W-we could …’

Rose was trembling so badly her teeth were
almost chattering.

‘
Please,’
I sent to her, caressing her cheek.

Her mind was such a knot of panic and confusion, she had no idea whether she wanted me to kiss her or not. But I wanted to. My hand cradled her head as I pulled her mouth to mine.

If only our time in the stass tube had made this easier. It did not. Her tender pink lips were just as sweet, her scent still tea-rose soap with a delicate,
feminine undercurrent, her breath still as smooth as flower petals against my skin. She lifted her face to mine and left herself open to my kiss. For one second, it was bliss. Only Rose and myself, and the universe just melted away. But it was all too brief. Suddenly she broke, her lips stretching in a tortured grimace as she sobbed. With a cry that sounded like pain she pulled away. ‘I’m
sorry, Otto. I can’t. I still can’t!’

My kiss had only brought her to tears.

‘I’m sorry,’ she breathed.

‘
I know,’
I signed, touching my head listlessly.

‘If I could …’

‘
I know.’

‘I … I wish I could …’

It hurt to see her standing there, trembling, hating herself. It hurt so much I lost my temper.
‘Go,’
I signed, pointing her towards the door.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Just go!’
The signs were so big
it looked like I was throwing something at her.

Rose went. She didn’t even look at me.

I felt as if I’d been stretched too taut and broken, like a rubber band. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to break something. But there was nothing on the
Daedalus
that wasn’t tied down. I kicked the wall, but it wasn’t satisfying. It wouldn’t break or dent or make a loud noise. All it did was hurt my
foot, and I cried out a tiny, whispery grunt of frustration. I wished I was Quin. He could have started screaming. I wished I was 42. She could have just grabbed Rose and forced sense into her skull, ethics be damned. I wished I was Rose herself, who could cry and mourn and maybe go to the old man to make it all better. Most of all, I wished I was Xavier, the person she really loved. The only man
she wanted.

But I couldn’t scream, and I couldn’t weep, and I couldn’t fix this. Instead, I slid down the wall and bit my knuckle until my finger ached. When I finally released my teeth there were deep marks in my skin, and the area between them was almost white with blood loss. I watched the hard knot of tortured flesh bleed slowly back into my finger. It was numb.

I wished I was numb. But
I felt everything, everybody’s everything. I felt far too much.

The rest of that single day awake was my own version of purgatory. I forced myself back into the common area to eat, but the seemingly fine food was tasteless. Xavier said the meals were likely to get less exciting as we neared Europa. The truth was that food, not being alive, could not be stassed, so they were still reliant upon traditional methods of preserving and freezing. The caviar,
he said, was likely to stay good, though – it was very well canned.

Tristan did receive my note, and she and Penny wrote up a long treatise together, telling me about what was happening at school. I sent another reply, but it was short – I had to remind them I didn’t have much to say. I sent a reply to Bren, mostly saying I knew how he felt. Then I sent a letter to Dr Bija. At first I wrote up
the whole situation with Rose, every voyeuristic detail, not sparing myself. Then I read through it, and felt disgusted with myself. Dr Bija had helped me to form my code of ethics. To admit to her in an impersonal letter that I had just thrown it all out the airlock was appalling. I wanted her advice, but she wouldn’t be able to get back to me for over a month. Finally, I erased the whole letter
and just sent her a thank you note for the poems. I read through them a few times. They were all about isolation and emptiness. They did not help.

Rose did not try to speak to me again.

Though it felt like forever, the day ticked on, and the disembodied voice over the ship’s tannoy told us to resume our places in our stasis chambers and await the next leg of our journey.

Before we headed back
to the stass tubes I found Quin. Rose had gotten to him first. ‘You and Rose fighting?’ was all he said when I saw him.

I closed my eyes and sighed. Quin surprised me by catching hold of my shoulder, lightly touching my neck. His mind exuded consolation. I shrugged him off, which he accepted without resentment. ‘Apparently, I’m with you this time. Come on, dummy. Back to beddy-bye.’

Quin hopped
into the double tube as if he was diving down a water-slide. I climbed in behind him a bit more sedately. As I lay back on the satin-of-silk cushions, I thought of what it had felt like to kiss Rose, and my hands clenched. I remembered it so clearly. Rose was right; stass kept things so bright and immediate in your mind. As Quin shuffled around and farted and muttered about the preserved food
in the galley, I realized I’d end up remembering this terrible snapped rubber-band feeling forever, too. If anything, my mood sank even lower.

Quin finally stopped chattering and really looked at me. ‘Okay, so what happened? You look better. But you’re acting worse.’

I made a rude gesture at him.

He laughed. ‘Honestly, Otto. Why don’t you just throw her back onto a couch and snog her. What
have you got to lose?’

I glanced at him.
‘Who says I haven’t already?
’ I signed.

Quin went very still. ‘And what happened?’

‘
Nothing good.
’

‘Not as hot as all that, was she?’

‘
Coit off.
’

Quin settled down beside me and offered me his hand. Offered, didn’t take.

I didn’t really feel like offering the whole story. With one finger I tapped his palm, just letting him feel my frustration.

‘Hm,’ he said. ‘You’re right. Nothing good.’ He considered. ‘So what is the crux of the issue?’

‘
The crux of the issue,’
I signed, enjoying the pattern of the words,
‘is that she’s in love with someone else.’

‘Bren’s not here.’

I groaned and covered my face with my hands.
‘Not Bren
,’ I signed in frustration.

Quin grunted. ‘So the rumours are true.’

I looked up.
‘What?’

‘So Rose really was
dating the old man, eh?’

I sat up and nearly cracked my head on the ceiling of the stass tube.
‘Don’t you spread that around!’

‘Everybody’s guessed,’ Quin said with contempt. ‘We can count. Sixty-two years ago Mr Zellwegger would have been just the right age for a bit of sport.’ I glared, and Quin pulled back, looking innocent. ‘I’ve said nothing!’ he said. ‘I don’t need to. Not everyone believes
it, anyway. It shouldn’t be a problem unless they’re still shacking up now, right?’

I kicked Quin in the shin. Hard. The idea hurt so badly on such a number of levels, and Quin’s casual quip had been like a bullet wound. I expected him to blast me back, but all he did was curl up, grabbing his leg. ‘Holy coit, was that called for?’ he asked, glaring up at me. He grunted. ‘Nice to know you’re
feeling better, bro.’

‘You say anything like that again …
’

‘And I’m your boxing bag, yeah, I got that.’ He rubbed his leg and pulled away from me. ‘Noid, you and Nabiki. No wonder you were dating.’ He shook his head. ‘So Rose is still in love with the paramour of yesteryear, huh?’

I sagged back against the cushions and sighed.

‘I really don’t see the problem here,’ he added.

‘She’s in love
with someone else!
’

‘Some sped who’s eighty years old,’ Quin pointed out.

‘74,’
I told him.
‘Quite a bit of interplanetary travel. He’s lost some years in stasis.’

‘So what? It’s still creepily old.’

‘So’s Rose.’

‘Give me a break.’

I shook my head.
‘Really. She’s older than she looks. In many ways.’

‘So are you. You can’t go through what you’ve been through in your life and not be older
than your years.’ I looked at him. Quin was almost never this serious. Or this kind.

‘Old in pain, maybe, not in practice. It doesn’t matter. I’m not him.’

‘Well, neither is he, anymore,’ Quin pointed out.

‘What?’

Quin looked at me. ‘She was in love with him when they were both kids, right? God, I hope that’s true, unless he was defrosting her for the occasional dinner date.’ I narrowed my
eyes at him, but he continued. ‘Look. People change. And creepioids like him grow up and let their hearts die. Maybe he was a kid like us once – maybe he was like Bren – but he can’t be now. He’s not the same man he was back then, anymore than you were the same when you were twelve as you are now. But Rose is still a kid. Not just from looking at her, talk to her. She acts young – sometimes younger
than Penny. You’re a much better choice for her at this stage than he can ever be. Anymore, anyway.’

‘
Since when were you in favour of this?’

‘Since you had nothing left to lose,’ Quin said candidly.

I thought about this.
‘It doesn’t matter. Rose can’t let him go. Not in her heart.’

‘She’ll learn to. Soon enough, she won’t have a choice.’

I raised my eyebrow.

‘He’s a jaded corporate puppet
with old man smell who has “conveniently” fallen into a position of authority, after his own boss was mysteriously killed,’ Quin said. ‘That’s the sort of thing that happens in UniCorp. People conveniently die – including us. He’s not the saint your Rose seems to make him out to be, and, eventually, she’ll realize that.’

I frowned.
‘What have you got against Mr Zellwegger?’

‘Nothing, all right?’
Quin said. ‘Nothing concrete. It’s just that I can, in fact, count.’

I shook my head, not understanding.

‘Yeah, it was gilded Guillory who signed off on us being created,’ said Quin, looking at me as if I were stupid. ‘But there were thousands of executives and dozens of board members, and not one of them stopped it.’ His face twitched as he suppressed his anger. ‘
He
didn’t stop it. That man
sat back and read status reports on us as we were stolen from our species, and our DNA was mutilated, and we finally died, one by one, under their theoretically tender care. He’s UniCorp. I don’t like any of them.’

This was true, but I’d never heard him so burned about Mr Zellwegger before. ‘
Where are you getting all this?
’ I asked.

‘Nabiki pointed it out at your
bon voyage
,’ Quin said. ‘After
she found out I was going too.’

I grabbed his wrist.
‘Was this before, or after she broke your nose?’
I asked, teasing him. But the idea that Nabiki had beaten him didn’t embarrass him. In fact, he seemed rather proud of his war wound. Nabiki was strong, strong as he was, and she …

Then I caught something I wished I hadn’t. An image, much more graphic than I would have liked, of Quin and Nabiki
behind the administration offices at the lab. And this wasn’t imagination. This was memory. I nearly choked.

‘Nabiki?
’

Now Quin blushed, turning his cheeks the colour of an eggplant. But his smirk was undeniable. I had to let him go. It was just too outrageous.
‘You,’
I signed.
‘And Nabiki.’
I couldn’t figure out if I was jealous or not.

‘Would I do such a thing to my brother?’ Quin asked,
all innocence.

I stared at him in sheer surprise.
‘How?’
I finally asked.

He grinned, more than a little embarrassed. ‘She, ahm … was pretty upset at your going away party.’

‘
And you comforted her,’
I signed. I could see the whole thing. Her tears, his final admittance of his feelings, her melting in his arms. Then that graphic moment – no. I was not going to think about that.

‘No,’ Quin said.
‘I let her beat me to within an inch of my life.’

Now I was surprised.
‘What?
’

‘She was angry,’ Quin said. ‘Very, very angry.’ He smirked. ‘She broke my nose, I split her lip, she blacked my eye.’ He touched his side and winced, remembering. ‘I think she even cracked a couple of ribs. I didn’t know you’d picked up someone so violent.’

I stared at him. Neither had I.

‘Things, ah … got interesting
about the time she had me on the ground. I mean, I probably could have stopped her, but I was starting to like it. She …’

‘
Stop!’
I signed. I’d seen enough of that in his mind. I very much wished Quin hadn’t told me any of this.
‘So … what are you doing here, then? Why’d you leave her?’

Quin looked annoyed. ‘Falling in love is not the end-all and be-all of my existence, thank you very much.
Nor should it be. Blood is thicker than other bodily fluids, and life is not about some girl I met in high school. You’re my brother. I’m not going to let a couple of extremely pleasant hours with a girl change that.’

‘Some brother,’
I signed. I was very ambivalent about this development between Quin and Nabiki.

‘Jealous, are you?’

‘
Shut up.’

‘You didn’t want her, right?’ I didn’t answer.
‘Right?’

‘It was never so simple. It’s not like you care, anyway.’

‘I care,’ Quin said, an admittance which surprised me. ‘It won’t change what I do, but I care.’

‘
Could have fooled me.’

‘Oh, let it go!’ Quin rolled his eyes. ‘The least you can do is forgive me for snogging your ex.’ Snogging – that was putting it mildly. ‘I mean, I’m giving up a year of my life and bouncing halfway across
the solar system for you.’

‘Who asked you?’

‘No one had to. I volunteered.’

‘Why? All you do is hurt people and make snide comments.
’

Quin propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me. ‘Look. All my life I’ve been jealous of you.’ I blinked in surprise. ‘There, I said it,’ he said. ‘Not just you,’ he added. ‘All of you. You and the others, Sven, Tristan, Una. Hell, even Penny. We’ve all
been hacked and slashed and recombined, but you, you got powers out of it. You got the ability to enter people’s minds. I never got that. All I got was a wonky heart and skin the colour of a gun barrel. Even Penny is unique. She’s obviously different, in more than one way. She can’t speak and she’s childlike. People cut her slack. Whether they should or not is beside the point, they do. Me …’ He
shook his head and sighed. ‘I’m just the failure.’ He lay back and looked up at the ceiling. ‘And I feel … I feel like it’s my job to look after you all. And I hate that. I shouldn’t have to do that. But I do have to. ’Cause no one else will.’

‘
But why?’

‘Because we only have each other. I’ve always known that.’ His eyes went distant then. ‘You won’t remember 49,’ he said. ‘No one does.’

I
shook my head slightly.

‘There were fifty mothers and a hundred of us,’ he reminded me. ‘Most of us didn’t make it. Those that did were single births. ’Cept me and 49.’ He looked at me then. ‘You didn’t remember that, did you.’ I shook my head. ‘He was only four when he died,’ he said. ‘I don’t even know if his brain worked. I don’t know if he was one of the simple ones or not. But he was my
brother. We had shared the same blood. And his heart just stopped. I sat there with him for … I don’t know how long. I couldn’t tell time yet, but it felt like forever. I just sat. Watching him turn cold. I knew he was dead, and I knew how to speak … but there was no one to tell.’ He looked at me. ‘We’re all alone out here. They built us and then abandoned us. And I knew that, when I saw him go all
still. There was no one who would ever grieve for him but me. Pretty harsh thing to learn when you’re four.’

We sat in stillness and silence for a moment. Finally I signed,
‘What has this got to do with Rose or Nabiki?’

‘Nabiki loves you,’ Quin said. ‘She still loves you. I know that. That doesn’t mean anything she might feel for me is less real.’

‘Nabiki doesn’t get panic attacks or feel guilty
for loving someone else.’

‘Because she knows you don’t love her,’ Quin said. ‘Not that way, anyway. Rose is torn because that old man out there still cares for her. You can see it every time he looks at her. It probably would have been better for both of them if he’d gone away. But he didn’t.’ His face darkened for a moment, and he looked away from me. ‘Look,’ he said. ‘Just don’t worry about
it, okay? You love Rose. She loves you. That old man is just in the way, but he’s old. I don’t think it’s going to matter for very long.’

‘I don’t have very long,’
I pointed out.

‘You don’t know that,’ Quin said.