No Child of Mine (51 page)

Anna seemed to tense. ‘Sorry if he’s being a bit over the top,’ she whispered to Alex.

‘It’s fine,’ Alex assured her.

‘What have I done now?’ he demanded, coming towards the camera in a comical way.

‘Nothing,’ Anna laughed. ‘So what extra material have you put into the video?’

‘You’ll have to wait and see and then tell me if you spot it.’

Anna groaned. ‘I’m bound to get it wrong,’ she told Alex.

‘She will,’ Bob confirmed. ‘So what time is it with you girls?’

Alex checked the clock. ‘Quarter past seven in the evening,’ she replied. ‘Which makes it what time with you?’

‘Quarter past eight in the morning.’

‘Tomorrow,’ Anna added.

‘That’s right. Now, am I allowed to ask what you’ve been up to today?’

Anna glanced at Alex. ‘Actually, we’ve had a lovely lazy day, just the two of us,’ she told him. ‘We got off to a late start, mainly thanks to my jet lag, then we went to the local pub for lunch. It’s so not like in my day when pubs were full of smokers and dartboards and beery old men – the food at the Mulgrove is fantastic and they serve some seriously decent wines.’

‘Any from our neck of the woods?’

‘’Fraid not, the only New Zealand one they had was from the South Island, but it was pretty good.’

‘Then we’ll look forward to introducing you to our home brews,’ he said to Alex, ‘and I guess you realise I’m not talking about beer. So what did you do after getting tipsy over lunch?’

Alex and Anna laughed at the same time and in a very similar way. ‘We just strolled around the village,’ Anna replied. ‘Charlotte – Alex – showed me where she fell over when she was six and cut open her head. All pretty grisly with lots of blood, she assures me. Then we went to the village hall where she danced in a German folk festival aged nine, and organised a Santa’s grotto aged fourteen. It’s also where she now puts on her plays, the ones we’ve seen on Facebook.’

‘I don’t write them,’ Alex was quick to point out. ‘I just help produce and direct them.’

‘I reckon you could give us some advice on our own efforts when you’re down this way,’ Bob told her. ‘I guess we’ve kind of got the Santa’s parades coined, though ... Have you told her about them?’ he asked Anna.

‘No, but I will.’

‘They’re something special,’ Bob asserted. ‘Well, you’ll see for yourself if we can persuade you to come for Christmas. I hope Anna told you that when you do come the ticket’s on me ...’

‘Yes, but honestly, I couldn’t ...’

‘Oh yes you can, and no arguing, as Anna knows it’ll be a waste of time because I always win.’

‘Actually, he never does,’ Anna told her, ‘but over this I probably won’t put up too much resistance.’

Unable not to be moved by how wanted and welcome they were making her feel, Alex said, ‘I think I should leave you two to catch up in private now. It’s been great talking to you, Bob.’

‘It’s been an absolute pleasure for me,’ he told her warmly. ‘Seeing your mother this happy ... Well, it does my heart good, I can tell you. She’s always had us, of course, and we love her very much, but it’s not like having someone of her own. You belong together now, you guys. Too many years have already gone by with you being apart.’

Swallowing the emotion tightening her throat, Alex replied, ‘After everything she went through, it’s wonderful to know that she ended up finding someone like you.’

‘I only wish you could have been with us all this time,’ he said frankly. ‘You should have been, but I guess that’s for another day. You take care of yourself now, and maybe we can talk again soon.’

As she started to say goodbye Alex felt the words faltering, so quickly covering her failure with a smile, she left her mother in front of the computer and ran upstairs to her room.

She knew she was being stupid, that she had so much to be thankful for, and even to look forward to now, but she was suddenly feeling so horribly lonely that the misery of it was coming over her in wave after wave of debilitating sadness. In no time at all her mother would be gone again, returned to a world that seemed so full of colour and happiness, love and togetherness, that her own small, drab existence was almost shaming by comparison. Worst of all,
and she really hated admitting it, was the fact that her mother didn’t actually feel like her mother, though she had no clear idea of how that was supposed to feel.

It’s going to take time
, she reminded herself as she tore a handful of tissues from a box on the chest.
It can’t just happen overnight, much as you might like it to. And she’s lovely. Really kind and friendly, so interested in everything you do, and you only have to recall how welcoming Bob was with you just now to be sure that they really do want you in their lives
.

It wasn’t that she thought they didn’t, the problem was ... What was the problem? Fear that it might all suddenly disappear, or turn into some kind of nightmare? She guessed that was it, but why would it? There was no logical reason for her to be feeling this way, so she must try to let it go and remind herself that sometimes things did work out. And she’d love to visit New Zealand, it sounded so idyllic – catching lobsters for breakfast, sailing round the islands, taking part in the Santa parade ... and inspiring in ways she hadn’t even known existed. But then how was it going to feel returning to a shabby bedsit in a part of Kesterly she detested, in the middle of winter and with few friends to speak of? No family either, apart from Gabby and Aunt Sheila whom she loved, but they were hardly around the corner, and weren’t really any more involved in her life than she was in theirs.

It seemed different with her mother’s family. They sounded so close, so much a part of each other’s day-today existence. Her mother might not be a blood relative of theirs, but they’d clearly taken her into their hearts just as her mother had taken them. It was where Anna belonged, far, far more than she belonged here. She hardly sounded English any more, and though she seemed thrilled to have found her daughter, she must be longing to get home to Bob, who’d already said he was missing her – and her step-grandchildren, who made her eyes shine every time she mentioned them.

Quickly blowing her nose as her mother knocked on the door, Alex fought back her pathetic insecurities and called for her to come in. ‘He’s so lovely,’ she said, smiling as the door opened. ‘And very handsome.’

Her mother stood looking at her, taking in the teary eyes, crumpled tissues and nasal voice. Then, opening her arms, she said, ‘Come on, come to me, my love, and tell me all about it.’

Alex and Anna were still sitting on the bed with their backs up against the head rail, neither of them crying now, though both had shed plenty of tears during the past couple of hours. They’d been talking mainly about how overwhelmed Alex was feeling, and Anna too in her way. They’d agreed that they were probably expecting too much of each other at such an early stage, and that they were both so afraid of what the future might hold that they could scarcely even bring themselves to mention it.

‘I don’t suppose it’s any secret,’ Anna had said, ‘that Bob and I are hoping you’ll consider coming to join us in New Zealand one of these days, I mean for good, but I understand that you have your life here, and why should you give it up just because it’s what I want?’

Feeling forced to admit that in truth she didn’t actually have much of a life to give up, Alex had suddenly found everything spilling forth, first about Jason, and how upset she still was by their break-up, then how big a failure she felt for not having a best friend. Next had come the confession about needing to find somewhere else to live, and because rents were so high and she had such a small amount of savings she was dreading where she’d end up. ‘And I’m not even sure my job is safe,’ she’d woefully concluded. ‘So actually, the prospect of starting again in New Zealand is more appealing than you might think.’

Anna smiled tenderly. ‘Well, obviously I wish you weren’t going through such a difficult time,’ she said gently, ‘but maybe we could think of it this way, that life is gradually closing doors for you here in order to make you ready for a new beginning?’

Though the thought was tempting, even pleasing, Alex felt oddly panicked by it too.

‘Obviously I’m not saying you should come straight away,’ Anna assured her, ‘but why don’t you take Bob up on his offer and fly over for Christmas? That way you can
start to get a feel for the place and decide whether or not you think it’ll suit you.’

Alex swallowed dryly. ‘I’d have to pay for myself ...’

‘No, my darling, you wouldn’t have to pay for yourself. Bob can more than afford it and he wants to give you this gift. Please don’t deprive him of it, especially when you’re going to need every penny of your own money for your new flat.’

Alex’s eyes went down.

‘Actually, I can help there,’ Anna went on, tilting Alex’s chin up again. ‘For a long time now I’ve been putting money aside for you, mainly in case something happened to me. I wanted to be able to leave you something, even if we never met. But what’s the point in making you wait when you clearly need some assistance now ...’

‘No, no, I can’t ...’

‘Yes you can. If it turns out that you want to stay living here in England then there should be enough to get you started without having to take out too big a mortgage – depending on the type of place you’re looking for, obviously. For the time being though, we can use some of it to put down a deposit on a nice flat for you to rent. In fact, if Gabby’s already done a deal on this house, I think it might be a good idea for us to start looking tomorrow.’

Feeling ashamed of how suspicious she and Gabby had been of Anna’s motives for being in touch at a time when she might have thought Alex was about to come into some money, Alex ended up confessing to her mistrust. ‘And now here you are, like my fairy godmother, making everything possible in ways I’d never even imagined. I hardly know what to say, apart from thank you, of course, which seems pretty meagre for such huge generosity – and obviously I’ll find a way of repaying you.’

‘Then you’ll be repaying yourself, which is fine, if that’s what you want to do. All that’s important to me is that I take care of you in a way I haven’t been able to up till now, hopefully without being too interfering.’

Alex smiled. ‘I can’t imagine you ever being that.’

Anna laughed and rolled her eyes. ‘Best not to get Bob started on that,’ she quipped. ‘Anyway, I have to tell you
if I’d known what a difficult time you were having in your teens I swear I’d have risked Gavril’s threats and come to find you then. The only reason I didn’t was because it didn’t seem fair to tear you away from the people you loved, and who loved you.’

Alex’s eyes drifted. ‘Yes, I think they did love me, in their way,’ she commented, almost to herself.

‘Oh, I’m sure they did, and we’ve a lot to be grateful to them for, because we know how much worse your upbringing could have been.’

Alex nodded. ‘I’m definitely a whole lot better off than most of the children I come across, that’s for sure.’

Anna cast her a glance. ‘Are you thinking of Ottilie?’ she said quietly.

‘And others, but yes, of Ottilie. You’ve seen her, you’ve felt for her too, so you understand, don’t you, that no matter what, I can’t just up and leave? At the moment, I couldn’t even do it for a couple of weeks.’

‘Of course not,’ Anna replied. ‘But Christmas isn’t here yet – and dare I say, she’s not yours, Alex, so one day, when you’ve got her sorted out ...’

‘She’s three years old, and if she is suffering in the way I fear, then the damage has already been done. So what would you have me do, leave her for someone else to cope with; and then someone else, and then someone else again? She has no other family, so that’s what her life will be like if she goes into care. At least if I’m here, seeing her regularly, giving her some small sense of stability, of self-worth even, she’ll have someone to make her feel special.’

Anna’s eyes were dark with concern as she regarded her. ‘No, my darling, I wouldn’t have you do that,’ she said earnestly. ‘I’m simply saying that you have a life too, so please don’t forget it.’

Chapter Twenty-One

OVER THE FOLLOWING
days, as they came to know one another better and discovered some amusing similarities in their ways and tastes as well as their looks, Alex could feel her trust building in Anna, and perhaps in herself too. She really didn’t have anything to be fearful of, she kept telling herself. Anna clearly hadn’t come with any intention other than to create a bond between them, and it didn’t seem likely that she was simply going to forget her as soon as she returned to New Zealand. Nor did she, Alex, have to make any decisions right now about what she was going to do in the future.

The only real friction between them, if it could even be termed that, was caused by Alex’s concern for Ottilie. If they’d had the same sort of confidence in their relationship as other mothers and daughters, there were occasions when they might actually have come to blows over it. As it was, Anna tried hard not to be too critical of how attached Alex clearly was to the child, but still regularly managed to point out that she was in danger of letting Ottilie take over her life.

‘You can’t just come here and tell me how to do my job,’ Alex snapped one evening after she’d arrived home from dropping Ottilie off when she’d had another irritating and fruitless exchange with Erica Wade. ‘I’ve been in this sort of situation plenty of times before, so please stop worrying.’

‘I can’t help it. I can see how much she means to you, and I don’t want you to end up being hurt,’ Anna told her.

Before she could stop herself, Alex cried, ‘You might have thought of that twenty-five years ago.’

Anna flushed, and seeing the anguish in her eyes Alex immediately regretted the attack.

‘I can take care of myself,’ she mumbled. ‘Now can we please leave it?’

Anna had accepted this, mainly because she didn’t want to provoke a serious falling out. From then on, however, she decided to start joining Alex and Ottilie as often as she could to see for herself just how close they were becoming. Though she remained concerned, and she and Alex continued to exchange words over it, Anna did find herself becoming a little more understanding. It would be the most difficult thing in the world to work with vulnerable children and not be affected by them, she’d always realised that, and now she was beginning to understand that in Ottilie’s case it was downright impossible. She was so sweet and compliant, and clearly so happy just to be with Alex, that Anna simply couldn’t begrudge her the pleasure and security of that when she was apparently so lonely at home, and possibly a lot worse.