NIKOLAI (Her Russian Protector #4) (18 page)

Throat tight, he offered her the last form of
protection possible. "Marry me."

Chapter Eleven

Marry me
.

The shocking words ricocheted around in my
head. Thrown completely for a loop, I stumbled to the closest chair
and dropped onto the cushion without any finesse. My knees wobbled
and my tummy pitched as I tried to figure out if he was
serious.

"Marry you?"

He slowly sat down on the coffee table. There
was no masking the pain that caused him to grimace. I ached for him
and reached out to soothingly pet his knee. In one swift movement,
he captured my smaller hand in his. "You deserve so much better
than me. I know that. It's selfish of me to even ask you to be my
wife."

"Why?" I had to know what he was thinking. What
had motivated him to ask me something so incredibly
serious?

Head down, he traced my middle finger. "I need
you by my side. This whole damned city is a powder keg and one
spark is about to send it up in flames. I have to know you're
protected. I have to know you're right here."

What had spurred his sudden proposal? Certain I
wouldn't like the answer, I asked, "Where were you
tonight?"

Nikolai's gaze finally met mine. With a heavy
sigh, he confessed, "I was meeting with Lorenzo Guzman."

My lips parted on a gasp. "The drug lord? I
didn’t know you were in business with him."

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Vee.
I'm willing to tell you some of it but not all of it. What you need
to know right now is that there's a price on your head and Lorenzo
Guzman bought it. He's using it as leverage against me."

My heartbeat sprinted. "For what?"

"A gun deal," he said reluctantly. "His buyer
is having problems and he needs a new supply line."

I licked my lips. "And then what? I mean—he's
not going to stop with just these guns, right? He's going to keep
beating you over the head with the hit on me to make you do what he
wants."

"He's going to try."

"What does that mean?"

"It means he's underestimated me. He has no
idea how far I'm willing to go to finish this."

I gripped his fingers even tighter. "Please
don't do anything terrible for me. I couldn't bear it." My voice
cracked as I thought of what he might have already done just to get
me back. "Please."

His Adam's apple bobbed up and down.
"I can't promise you that, Vee. I won't sit here and make a promise
I don't intend to keep. I can't have any more lies between us. The
last one nearly killed us. No more,
angel
moy
."

It struck me then how deeply he cared for me
and how determined he was for our relationship to move forward with
a solid foundation of truth. Even if that truth wasn't something I
wanted to hear…

"You know what I am. You know who I am. This is
me, Vee. This is all I can offer."

I heard the shame filling his voice. Cupping
his jaw, I raised his gaze to mine. "I know what you
are."

"I'm a criminal who shot a little girl and then
lied to her for eleven years. That's what I am."

A painful band squeezed my heart. "I've
forgiven you for that. We have to move forward, Nikolai. It's
done."

"For you, maybe," he said glumly. "For me? I
will never forgive myself for what I did."

There was nothing I could say to change his
mind or assuage the terrible guilt he carried. I grazed my
fingertips down his cheek in a soothing gesture. His eyelids
briefly closed. Such longing appeared on his face. How long had it
been since someone had touched him with kindness?

"The night I shot you…when I was kneeling over
you and holding my hand to your bleeding belly…that was the first
night I had prayed since childhood."

I wasn't supposed to know about the abuse he'd
survived as a child. When that crazy woman had tried to kill Lena
and Yuri, she'd had her cohort leave a cryptic note written in
Russian on Lena's pillow. Unable to decipher it, Lena had sent me a
snapshot via her phone. There, in red ink, I'd read all about the
way little Nikolai had been pimped out for money.

After what he'd suffered at the hands of that
disgusting orphanage director and his pedophile clients, I wasn't
surprised that Nikolai had divorced himself from a relationship
with God. I could only imagine how many unanswered prayers he'd
sent out into the great beyond while being abused so
horrifically.

"You survived," Nikolai continued, "and I knew
then that I'd been charged with looking after you. It's my duty to
keep you safe. I feel it here." He dragged my hand to his chest,
right above his beating heart. "When they took you, I prayed I'd
find you safe and alive—and I did."

To hear Nikolai talking about faith and prayer
left me speechless.

"I'm not taking any more chances
when it comes to you." He took both of my hands now. "You'll marry
me and become my wife and then
everyone
will know the price of
harming even one hair on your head."

He was offering me everything I'd ever wanted
from him but I wasn't sure the motivation was right. Perhaps it was
a childish and naïve thing to consider with my life on the line—but
I couldn't deny what I was feeling. I wasn't like Lena or Benny or
Bianca or Erin. I'd never wanted a high-profile career or a
business. I'd always been drawn to quieter, simpler things. To keep
a beautiful home, raise children and paint on the side was my
ultimate dream.

But this wasn't the way I wanted it.

"I don't want to get married as a preventative
measure, Kolya. I want to get married because the man asking me
wants to build a life with me."

"I want that," he said on a hurried breath. "I
want so many things with you. I never wanted you to end up with a
man like me. I've done everything possible to steer you away from
my kind so I know how hypocritical it is for me to sit here and ask
for your hand."

"But?"

"But I love you, Vivian. Rightly or wrongly,
we've been bound together for ages. There's no one else for me." He
caressed my face and peered intently into my eyes. "What do you
want, Vee?"

Snatching my chance to have the one thing I'd
wanted for so long, I answered honestly, "The one thing everyone
keeps telling me I can't have."

This time, I was the one who kissed him. As if
holding back, he held perfectly still when I pressed my lips to
his. It wasn't until I turned the tender kiss into a needful,
seeking one that Nikolai seemed to lose his control. Wrapping both
arms around me, he slid to his knees in front of my
chair.

With a low growl of desire, he stabbed his
tongue against mine. I'd been kissed quite a few times but I'd
never experienced one like this. This was a soul-searing mating
that left me trembling and overheated. When Nikolai kissed me, he
did it with such passionate intensity that it drove the air right
out of my lungs.

I grew insanely aware of my body. Of course,
I'd never had my legs wrapped around a man's waist before this—and
it did crazy things to me. Nikolai's muscled chest seemed
impossibly hard against my front. My breasts suddenly felt heavier
and ached to be touched and caressed. The thin fabric of my
camisole top and the loose cardigan I wore were no match for
Nikolai's body heat. He warmed me through and through.

When his hand glided down my spine, I gasped
against his mouth. The simplest touch set me on fire. I rocked
against him—and became very aware of another part of him. Kneeling
between my parted thighs, the tented front of his jeans rubbed
against the flimsy cotton of my pajama bottoms. Only a few
millimeters of fabric separated our bodies now.

I'd meant it earlier when I told Nikolai that
he tempted me. Never before had I allowed myself to get into a
tricky situation like this. Anytime a goodnight kiss or movie
make-out session had gotten heated, I'd deftly applied the brakes.
Tonight, though, I felt powerless to stop Nikolai. My body ached
for his intimate touch.

As if reading my mind, Nikolai tore his mouth
away from mine. Panting against my neck, he buried his face in the
sloping curve there. "We have to stop."

No
! My
brain screamed for us to keep going. I wanted to know the secrets
that my friends understood. I wanted to know what it felt like to
have my lover guide me down to the floor. I wanted to feel
Nikolai's weight on top of me, to feel his naked skin against
mine.

No.
This
time it was my conscience talking. The lust-driven haze began to
fade and I was able to look at our situation with clear eyes and a
clear heart. Yes, I still wanted Nikolai in the most wild, intimate
way—but I had to wait.

He spoke in low tones, his voice muffled by the
way he still had his mouth pressed to my throat. The Russian words
drifted to my ears. "I'm sorry."

Confused, I asked, "For what?"

He pulled back and kissed me gently. "For
pawing at you like this," he clarified. "You've been through a
terrible trauma, and I should be giving you space to heal and sort
out your thoughts, not bombarding you with marriage proposals and
kissing you."

"I'm okay. Really," I added when he shot me a
disbelieving look. "I'll never look at a dog cage the same way
again, and I don't think I want to try any of that bondage nonsense
that Dimitri and Benny like, but I'm going to be fine."

Nikolai looked equal parts scandalized and
amused. "I'd always wondered what the four of you talked about when
you got together for those Russian lessons of yours. I'm surprised
you know the words to describe Dimitri's dirty little secret in our
language."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please. I
might be a virgin but I'm not innocent. I've
read
things. I've
seen
things."

Mischief sparked in his pale eyes. "What kinds
of things?"

My face burned with embarrassment. "I'm not
talking about that with you."

He dragged his fingertip down my throat to the
neckline of my camisole. Holding my gaze, he promised, "You
will."

My mouth went dry and my tummy wobbled as his
full meaning hit me. Someday very soon, he wouldn't stop after a
few kisses.

"You never answered me." Tipping my chin,
Nikolai asked, "Will you marry me?"

"Yes." The answer came so easily. I'd loved
Nikolai for so long. I accepted him just as he was, with his dark
complicated history and all.

Even as I agreed to marry him, I understood
there would be people who would fight me on my choice. My cousin
Eric was going to blow a gasket. Benny and Bianca would quietly
support me, even if they both thought I'd lost my mind. Though her
situation was slightly different because Ivan had left behind his
old life, Erin would understand me. Lena—well, she was probably
going to read me the Riot Act.

But I couldn't live my life worrying about what
other people thought of me. I had to live my life for me and only
me.

And I wanted Nikolai. I wanted to be his wife.
I wanted to face our obstacles together. More than anything, I
wanted to help him get out of this life, if that was even
possible.

"I'll take care of you," he vowed with such
love. "I can't give you the gleaming yachts and diamonds like Yuri
gives Lena but I'll love you with every fiber of my
being."

"I don't need diamonds and yachts. I just need
you."

"I'm yours. I think I've been yours
since the first time I heard you singing
Ochi Chernye
with Sveta at the
restaurant."

The teasing slant to his mouth made me smile. I
was a truly terrible singer. There had been times Lena had
threatened to move out if she had to hear me sing one more Ke$ha
song—and rightly so. "Well—it must be love if my awful voice
enchanted you."

He laughed and kissed me again. "It's late. You
should sleep."

Of the two of us, he looked the most haggard.
"Are you going to bed?"

"Yes." He moved slowly and carefully so as not
to aggravate his injuries.

"Will you take a pain pill? You shouldn't be in
so much agony, Nikolai." Certain the only way to make him take care
of himself was to use guilt, I said, "I won't be able to sleep if
I'm thinking about you suffering."

He looked like he wanted to refuse but he
finally acquiesced with a nod. "All right."

"Thank you."

When we got upstairs, I followed him to his
bedroom and slipped by him before he could stop me. I headed
straight for the master bathroom, found the pill bottles the doctor
had given him and read the labels. After filling a glass with
water, I shook two pills onto my palm and carried them into the
bedroom. Nikolai had already toed off his shoes and was unbuttoning
his shirt when I presented him with is medication. I sensed he
wasn't fond of the coddling but he didn't fight me. He tossed back
the pills and drank the glass of water.