Nightmares from Within (2 page)

Keeping things the same kept me safe.

As Trent Reznor’s voice faded and the opening chords of Red’s
Lie to Me
picked up, I turned right off First and onto Pike Street. I kept going until my legs felt like they couldn’t hold my weight any longer. I made the familiar turns through downtown Seattle, pushing through the cramp that began throbbing in my side. Pushing through the exhaustion pulsing in every muscle. I’d made sure my iPod was set to my “running” playlist before leaving my apartment, so when
Chalk Outline
by Three Days Grace started playing, I knew I was nearing the end of my run.

I was almost sad to see my apartment building looming in the distance. I needed just a few more miles to get myself straight, but running any farther meant changing my precious routine.

I slowed to a walk a few yards from the building and worked to get my heart rate under control. By the time I pushed through the glass doors, the endorphins had kicked in and I felt as close to normal as was possible for me.

When Gary looked up from the novel he was reading with a scowl on his face, a smile crept across my lips. He typically reminded me of a short-haired Santa Claus without the beard, but when he pouted, he reminded me of Walter Matthau from
Grumpy Old Men
.

“See, I’m back and still in one piece,” I said, as I swiped the beads of sweat from my forehead.

“You’re going to send me into an early grave, Miss Taylor,” he replied.

I rested my arms on the cool granite counter top and leaned over to see his book. “Which one are you reading now?” I asked.

I think one of the reasons he and I got along as well as we did was because Gary was also a creature of habit. If it wasn’t a Stephen King novel, Gary wouldn’t read it. And once Gary read them all, he’d just start over again. He said King had enough books out there that by the time he started over, he’d already forgotten what happened in the ones he’d read before.

“
The Dark Half
,” he grumbled.

“That’s a good one,” I said with a sincere smile. It was just too easy to love Gary.

“That’s why I’m reading it,” he bit back harshly, his tone of voice letting me know that he was still upset with me. He might have still been angry, but I had a trick up my sleeve to get myself back on his good side.

“You know, since I woke up early enough, I was planning on making some cinnamon streusel muffins before I headed to work, but…if you’re still mad at me, I guess I shouldn’t bother.”

I turned and headed toward the elevators. I only made it a few steps when I heard him clear his throat behind me. “Well, I’m not
that
mad, Miss Taylor.” I knew I’d get him with the promise of baked goods. I turned and he continued, “I just look at you as one of my own.” His honesty was like a shot through the heart. No one had ever cared about my well-being, so having this brusque old man openly worry about me was something I wasn’t accustomed to.

I walked back to him and placed my hands on his stubbly cheeks. “I know, Gary. That’s why I tolerate you calling me
Miss
all the time, even after I’ve asked you not to…repeatedly.”

He graced me with a happy chuckle.

“I’m thankful I met you, Gary,” I said, then I headed back to my apartment to shower and make his muffins.

I made the usual walk from the coffee shop to Benny’s Diner with my head down, making sure I didn’t make eye contact with any of the pedestrians as they passed me on the sidewalk. I’d been waitressing at Benny’s for the past five years and I felt it gave me just the right amount of human interaction to call myself normal, but I didn’t want to push my nonexistent luck any further than that. I could only avoid so much in one day. So I kept my head down and rarely ever interacted with the strangers I passed.

I loved Seattle, but I didn’t get to truly appreciate everything around me in the daytime. Too many people wandering around meant I was way more susceptible to those visions that plagued me.

After my morning stop at the coffee shop around the corner from my apartment, it was six o’clock. I pushed through the doors of the diner a half hour early so I headed straight for the office in the back to drop off my purse and began prepping myself for the morning rush.

“Good morning, Doll Face,” Benny called from behind the serving window.

“Morning, Benny.” My boss, the owner of the diner was another on my short list of who I considered my friend. If I had to guess, Benny was somewhere in her mid-to-late fifties. Her chestnut colored hair was sprinkled with gray and her light brown skin showed signs of wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. The smile lines on her face proved what I already knew, that Benny was one of the most caring, loving women in the world. She barely hit five feet but her short, round stature didn’t mask the fact that she could be tough as nails when it was necessary.

She poured all of her heart and soul into opening this diner after she divorced her abusive husband fifteen years ago. Benny once admitted to me that, although she always wanted kids, she was thankful not to have anything that tied her to her ex-husband. She claimed that when I wandered in five years ago desperate for a job, she took one look at me and all of her maternal instincts just sprang to life. After years of having two parents that looked at me like I was a freak of nature, it was nice to have Gary and Benny treat me like I was family.

It took a while to get used to them and I spent my first year trying to push them away. I’d spent so long trying not to connect with other people, but they gave me no choice and simply refused to let me keep them out of my life. They saw through my hardened exterior to the scared teenager I really was, and they beat at the walls I’d put up around myself until there was nothing left. I loved the both of them so much, that every night I prayed to a God I wasn’t sure I believed in and gave thanks for allowing them to stay in my life.

I downed the last of my white chocolate mocha and headed straight for the coffee maker to pour myself a huge cup. There was no chance of me making it through the day without at least three cups in my system. I was a caffeine addict on a regular day, but when you added no sleep into the mix, coffee went from being something I enjoyed, to an absolute necessity.

“Child, you look like death warmed over,” Benny pointed out, as she made her way over to me. I could see the concern etched onto her face and it was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

“Thanks, Benny. It gives me the warm fuzzies to know you think I look so good.”

“You had another nightmare didn’t you?” she asked as her eyes raked over my face, ignoring my sarcastic attempt at derailing a conversation I didn’t want to have with her.

I’d made the mistake of letting it slip when the nightmares first started a few months back. I was so scared after that first night, that when I came into work, I couldn’t hold it in. I poured everything out for Benny and actually allowed her to comfort me. I’d been dealing with horrifying hallucinations since childhood, but nightmares were something completely different. It was almost as if the visions were following me into my sleep, and I had no idea how to make them stop.

I placed the glass carafe back down and took a huge gulp from my cup, letting the warmth fill my body and put me at ease…temporarily. “Yeah,” I finally relented. “Around 3:30.”

She came up to me and took my face in her hands. “Sweetheart, you have bags under your eyes big enough to carry all that weight I know you currently keep on your shoulders. I’m worried about you.”

I took a small step back in order to break the physical contact. I loved Benny, but overt displays of affection still made me uncomfortable. It was just one of the many things I was trying to work through. I’d gotten better at accepting people touching me over the years, but I was only able to tolerate it for short periods of time. As a teenager, I’d discovered that any contact longer than a few seconds made the things I was forced to see even stronger.

I gave her a weak smile and tried to placate her. “I’m okay, Benny. I promise.”

The corners of her mouth dipped into a frown. “You’re not okay, Taylor, you look exhausted. Why don’t you take the day off and go home? You need some sleep.”

I couldn’t sleep. Sleeping only led to more nightmares.

I couldn’t admit to Benny that I was too scared to go back to sleep; she’d only worry more. I hadn’t missed a day of work in five years and the mere thought of straying from the comforts of my routine caused anxiety to build until my hands started to shake.

“I’m fine, really,” I lied. “I’m just going to throw myself into work and get my mind straight, that’s all.” I needed her to let me stay. I needed the hours on my feet, rushing around and waiting on people to keep me occupied. The constant bustle of the diner prevented me from being sucked into the horrors of my own mind. Being on my feet all day long, running back and forth to serve the diners that came through helped in exhausting me to the point where I could hopefully pass out into a dreamless sleep when I got home.

If I didn’t keep myself busy constantly I would start to remember…and the last thing I wanted was to remember. From the moment I woke up, until the moment I went to bed, I made sure I had something to fill every hour of my day. If I was at home I was doing yoga, running, baking, or cleaning my already immaculate apartment. There always had to be something. Sleep was the only time my brain was allowed to shut down. I used to cherish sleep. I could escape the things I saw when I slept. Now sleep was becoming my enemy. If I didn’t get in to see Dr. Kinsley soon, the fraying rope that somehow managed to tether me to reality was at risk of snapping completely.

Benny watched me closely for several more seconds, and it almost felt as though she could see what I was thinking. I held my breath as I waited for her to say something. “All right,” she finally conceded, and I was able to breathe again. “If you think it’s what’s best, fine. But if you start to feel like you need to leave, you just let me know, okay?”

“Promise,” I replied a little too quickly. Benny’s smile lines were gone as concern marred her expression. She and I both knew I wouldn’t be leaving until my shift was over.

As the morning wore on, and the diners started packing in, I reveled in the organized chaos. It was exactly what I needed. I even found myself shooting small smiles at some of the customers here and there which was rare. I’d just finished serving one of my tables when I looked up and noticed a man sitting alone in my section.

“Hey Taylor, I just sat someone at seven.” I turned my attention away from the man to Cassie, Benny’s hostess and newest hire. If I had to guess, I’d say she was around my age. Cassie was the stereotypical model type with long, glossy brown hair, even longer legs and a bubbly personality. I didn’t know her all that well, but the few times we’d worked together, I got the sense she was a genuinely good person. Maybe I’d make the effort to get to know her a little better. It wasn’t like I had friends coming out of the woodwork, so I certainly had room to spare.

“Thanks, Cass.”

“You’re so lucky,” she whispered with a smile that looked like she was letting me in on a secret. “I’d die for a piece like that.” She tilted her head in the direction of table seven.

I tilted my head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Her forehead wrinkled and her eyes narrowed before asking, “You mean you don’t know him? He specifically asked to be seated in your section. I thought you two might have a thing?”

I looked at the man in question, studying him hard for any signs that I may have known who he was. I felt a sense of recognition, but I couldn’t place him. There was something niggling in the back of my mind telling me I knew him.

“Well,” Cassie stated, directing my attention back to her. “Maybe you have an admirer.” She looked at the man, looked back at me, and then she winked. “Could be worse, you know. I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed.”

I let out a laugh as she headed back to the hostess stand, and I made my way to table seven. “Good morning,” I greeted. “What can I getcha?”

I had my eyes on my order pad, but they instantly shot up to meet his when he replied, “Good morning to you, Taylor.” He said my name like he’d spoken it a million times before. He must have seen the shock on my face, because he grinned and pointed to my red Benny’s Diner t-shirt.

“Your name tag says Taylor. That is your name, isn’t it?”

His question sounded almost accusatory, like he knew something he wasn’t supposed to. I’d never seen this man before. It wasn’t possible for him to know Taylor wasn’t the name I’d been born with.

“Um…yeah,” I responded carefully.

The grin on his face morphed into a full on smile, and I could see what Cassie had been talking about. He was extremely handsome. His jet-black hair was a few inches too long and flopped over his forehead, but it accentuated his crystal blue eyes perfectly. I felt a strong pull as I looked into them. I didn’t know how long I stood there staring into those strange eyes but I was yanked back into reality when he cleared his throat and gave a little chuckle.

Embarrassed at being caught staring, heat started to creep up my neck and I had no doubt my cheeks were bright pink. My blush was the curse of having such a fair complexion. A complexion I got from my Irish mother. It was one of the only things I got from her. Everything else about me favored my father. Dark, wavy brown hair and light brown eyes. I had no doubt my darker features combined with my pale skin made the circles under my eyes - that Benny was concerned about - even more pronounced.