Nice Guys Don't Finish Last (15 page)

dating for eight months, but you & I don’t get to talk much so I never really got to tell you.”
“Deja, don’t you think you’re moving too fast?”
“No, I want to be with him. We’ve known each other for almost a year, and we know so much about each other it isn’t funny. He’s been the most honest guy I’ve ever been with in my life, no offense to you.”
“Mmmhmm, I know that was shade thrown towards me,” I smiled.
“No it wasn’t. But he’s so honest for the most part, and he’s not the best looking guy. But he treats me like a queen, and I deserve nothing less than that,” she smiled with love beaming on her face. I was genuinely happy she finally found her match.
“Awww, I never seen you smile so hard. Well keep me posted about the wedding.”
“So, how’s my boo Abdul doing,” she asked.
“He’s doing better, but the doctors aren’t sure if he’ll ever walk again. He’s mad he couldn’t make it to Roger’s funeral with me.”
“That’s horrible! I hope he’s able to walk. How did the funeral go,” she asked.
“I was an emotional wreck, but everything went well. Until, I had to put Delmar in his place.”
“Who the hell is Delmar?”
“The guy who was recording my song, apparently he & Abdul met each other a few weeks ago at the Hippo. I found a message in Abdul’s phone by Delmar saying that he was horny & some other shit.”
“WHAT? Oh hell no. Do you want me to beat him with my red bottoms because you know I will?”
“No, Deja I got it,” I laughed.
“So, did they sleep with each other?”
“They both deny ever seeing each other after that night, so I suppose not.”
“Do you believe Abdul this time,” she asked.
“Honestly, I do. There’s a part of me that wishes he was stupid enough to do it, but I believe him. He’s been trying to make things better for the longest and I just have been so resistant to it.”
“But I think that would give him a reason to cheat again! A cheater is always a cheater, Nico,” she said.
“Hmmm, you’re right. I’m just tired! We’ve been going back & forth for three years.”
“I know! I was there to see the power struggle between you two, and how you were too affectionate at first. Now, you are like this villain.”
“I don’t like the way that sounds.”
“Well it’s the truth, hun. You & Abdul struggled to find which role to play in the relationship because the both of you have very strong personalities and that’s why you two clash.”
“Oh really, Ms. Know-it-all,” I laughed.
“Yes, he wanted to be the gentleman and open doors for you. While, you were used to opening doors for females & tried to do the same. It was a clash of adjustment, and it still is one. It feels like one of you is hiding something, though,” she sipped on my cold coffee that sat there.
“Why you say that,” I asked, as my eyebrow subconsciously risen.
“Because it feels like something is missing. Like one of you are guilty about doing something.”
“Huh, I didn’t even tell you anything that it’d make it sound like I’m guilty of anything,” I said.
“Well, I didn’t say you. I said ‘one of you’. Besides, I’ve known you for nine years, Nic! I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Nope, I told you everything,” I smirked at her drinking the coffee left over.

I
stood outside of the Greyhound station in Baltimore, rather chilly on this mid-March day. Mother Nature couldn’t find her balance between warm and cold, while I waited for Jeremey to pick me up. I remained distraught Nico approached me at the funeral, and couldn’t grasp he is Abdul’s boyfriend. Accuracy proved me right after Nico revealed he was gay. Tyrell always told me he thought Abdul was in a relationship; and damn if he was right. I don’t even remember what the message said I supposedly sent him.

“DELMAR, I’M OVER HERE,” I heard someone shout, and turned my head to the left corner to spot Jeremy. Everyone at the station stared like I was the ‘Bride of Frankenstein’. He instantly made me blush, while walking to the car.

“Why didn’t you just text or call to say you were here,” I laughed getting in the car with Mary J‘s “Just Fine” blasting through the speakers.

“Because I knew it’d make you uncomfortable if someone called you in front of a crowd, blasting Mary,” he laughed.

“I missed you, how was the funeral,” he leaned in to kiss me & I returned the favor.
“Awww, I missed you too. But the funeral was crazy, many celebrities were there. Even Randy Jackson from ‘American Idol’ played guitar. There was a confrontation between me & the guy I recorded that song with.”
“You got into it with him? For what,” he frowned.
“Oh nothing serious, Nico doesn’t like me. So he tried to find anything to argue with me about,” I lied through the skin of my teeth.
“Nico? Skinny Nico who can sing really well,” he asked.
“Yeah, him I suppose. But he’s an okay singer, he’s not all that.”
“Boy, shut up. Say what you want, but homeboy can blow.”
“Yeah, yeah! How do you know him, though,” I asked preparing myself for his response.
“We used to date a while ago. He was really cool & shy, until he got with that Abdul character. Now, Nico has turned into an asshole, he’s not the same person anymore,” he explained.
“How come?”
“Rumor has it--- Abdul cheated on Nico and he lost it since. I’ve even heard Nico had sex with some guy at Ballys recently, and got caught. But I’m not sure how true it is,” he said retaining his eye on the highway merging on I-295.
“Wait a minute, so you’re saying Nico is cheating on his boyfriend now?”
“That’s what I hear, and they say he goes to orgy parties & such,” he said.
“What? Orgy parties,” I asked confusedly.
“Yeah. I hope it’s not true because he’s such a good person.”
Wow, I would have never guessed in a million years that Nico would be that type of person. At least, if it is true! But it seems like Jeremey knows a bit much, but I never thought he’d be the type of person to gossip either. All of this information reminds me of gossip Ty would spill to me. I’m not attracted to that, one speck.
“How long ago did you two date,” I asked.
“It was about two or three years ago, it wasn’t anything serious.”
“So I’m assuming this was before he got with the other guy,” I asked.
“He told me they weren’t together. But who knows, what’s done is done,” he said as if it was nothing wrong with what he did.
“Jerms,” I smiled.
“Yes, Moo,” he said.
“I want to give you head,” I said, raising my eyebrows in the air and licking my lips.
“You do,” he laughed.
“Yes, I do. I was on that long ass ride for three hours; I’m ready for a sexual misadventure.”
“Okay, well I’m not stopping you,” he said as I looked at his meat erect through his gray sweat pants, and my adrenaline pumped faster than his speeding car!

“
Don’t you have a big heart? I love a man with heart… a man who dies with honor & dignity. BOOOOMMM
,” the gun vibrated & forced me out of my cat nap.

The reoccurring dreams must stop immediately. It remains a mystery what happened after I got shot. Just inquiring the guy’s voice in my sleep is terrifying! I have never been so mortified of anything in my life.

I lied in the hospital bed discerning of the news David told me earlier today, I wasn’t prepared to consume.
I wonder if I did not leave the house that night, would I be lying in this hospital right now. Because I think our live results would be different, if I just compromised & talked through the situation like I normally do. The minute I go against my normal deeds, the worst happens.
Was I really as selfish as people claimed in the past? They say I “created a monster” and the good lil’ Nico once was died forever. I didn’t intentionally do those things to him. Once upon a time, I would stay out all night while he called me back to back to back. The telephone would ring & I ignored him. I didn’t think it was important for him to distinguish my every move. So I thought!
I would even tell my friends my phone was broken, to lob them off. I took a good thing for granted, and was caught doing something I regret, and things haven’t been the same since. It is true what they say, you never know how it feels until it happens to you. Now we’ve switched places, and I’m in his shoes. If I could take those things back, I most certainly would. The arrogant & insensitive ‘Abdul’ has really grown up, and those negative qualities I once had is now a part of Nico.
“Rhonda,” I buzzed for the nurse to service me. Seconds orchestrated like hours, as she paced slowly into the room with an unopened apple juice container in her hand, seemingly tired.
“You called,” she asked.
“Yes, I wanted to know if you talked to the doctor about the prescription yet. I had another nightmare, it appear the dreams get ahead of themselves each time. Like it’s trying to tell me something.”
“Tell you something? Suga’, it’s only a dream. I really need to see what I can do, so you can get much needed rest. How did your visit go with your friend,” she asked as she pulled my blanket up to cover the top half of my body and smiled.
“Oh, it was good to see him. That‘s one of my main homeboys,” I smiled.
“Oh okay, is he---”, she made a gesture as if her hand was broken to ask the obvious question.
“Of course, he’s gay. Majority of the people I associate with are gay and I only have a few straight friends from work, who’s aware of my sexuality & treats me the same,” I explained gazing at her wig reminiscent of a five layer wedding cake.
“Alright now. I swear if you were not into the same thing I’m into, you’d be dating my daughter. Because you are so fine,” she exaggerated inserting her hands into the rubber gloves. “Now, I need to go next door. Give Ms. Henderson, an IV, I can’t stand that old heffa,” she whispered.
“Alright, make sure you come back. You make me smile,” I laughed as she walked out of the door. I lied there attempting to occupy my mind with adventurous thoughts, but every idea became vacant.
Have you ever thought to yourself if you somehow think “warm” in cold weather that your body would heat up? If I believe I’m walking, then maybe I could start walking again. My mind plays tricks on me begging “Abdul, give it up. You’ll never be able to shift a bone in your legs, let alone walk.” I don’t know when I became so unsure of myself, I used to be the guy with the boastful personality. I even beheld despondent on people for being too nice & sensitive. I remember when Nico & I had an argument because he didn’t understand why I treated him badly, and I said, “Hate to break it to you, Nico… but it is true what they say, NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. And you most definitely need to grow some balls, out ‘chere. You need to man up!” as we sat on the bleachers of Morgan’s football field two years ago.
The statement was the meanest thing anyone could tell another being, especially someone you claim you love. Now I’ve paid the price of my words & actions, and learned to be careful about what rolls off my tongue and how I treat others because it will haunt ten times worse than what you did! However, beating myself up about a situation will never do anything constructive, what’s done is done & I have changed for the better.
However, I wonder if the phrase “Nice Guys Finish Last” still exists if it pertains to me. No one is exempt from it; maybe I will be the last token left in the coin machine. What do you think? Do the villains always come out on top? I mean, look at the superheroes Spiderman whipped the Green Goblin’s ass. What about Batman, he demolished the Joker & the Penguin. There is room for the nice guys, right?

Shirley & Lee’s “Let the Good Times Roll” played on the iPod, while I relaxed during the ride home on the Megabus. The fat guy behind me repeatedly kicked the back of my seat, and the lady snored across from me battling against the music. I wanted to smash both of their heads in.

It was great to visit Deja, during my day stay. It’s been a long time since we’ve been around each other, and so much has changed. I’m proud she is able to open her heart again, and love someone else. I am not certain marriage is the best idea, but everyone deserves a second chance at love & I wish her nothing but the best.

After she and I broke up, it seemed like she lost hope in love. Our relationship lasted our entire high school career from the freshman to senior year. She was my first & last everything, I would have never thought we would part ways. But when I came out to her during our first year in college, she was devastated.

I remember like it was yesterday, Deja noticed how I became disconnected during sex and how my moods would drastically change. I lived in isolation for the first semester at Morgan, as we both didn’t see each other much. A new crowd introduced me to “the ropes of the lifestyle”. I didn’t think Deja would discover anything because she attended Virginia State, while I stayed in Baltimore.

Associates from our high school, Baltimore City College, contacted Deja and reported her about the group of guys I dealt with. Then, rumors flew around that “Nico is gay”. Whilst the rumors floated, I remained a virgin with the gays no kissing or committing sexual acts. Since I was guilty by association, people automatically inquired I was gay.

On Christmas Eve, Deja was home for the holiday and we layed in her queen size bed conversing & reminiscing about our past Christmases. It was the first time we’ve spent a snowy holiday together in all of our four years. The atmosphere stroked differently, and we no longer felt a spark between us. The communication was forced, and nothing she spoke about seemed to appeal anymore.

Then she dropped the bomb on me--- “Nico, you know are my boyfriend & I love you. But I need to know the truth.”
The world began spinning faster than the infamous Universal Studios logo, as I waited for the question to emerge from her mouth.
“Okay, you can ask me anything,” I said.
“This group of guys you’ve been hanging out with… are they gay,” she asked.
“I don’t know, I don’t get into their business like that,” I lied through my teeth as her eyes watered. I knew I could never get a lie past her, and my response to was rather dull. “What do you mean you don’t get into their business? Are they gay or not,” she asked again.
“Yes, they are gay,” I replied regarding her in the eyes, I could feel gravity overtake our heads. I knew exactly what would follow.
“So… are you gay,” she hesitantly asked.
“No, I am not gay. I am straight, I am with you.” “I don’t believe you. I think… you are attracted to guys,” she said.
“No, I’m in love with you. We are together, right,” I insisted.
“You didn’t deny what I said about guys,” she said as I looked away & searched for a lie to cover me once again. “I wish I could believe you, but I don’t. And I will not drop the conversation until you admit to me you are gay.”
“But I’m not gay.”
“Why are you lying to me? Everyone knows you are, and said they see you with faggots all the time. So why can’t you just be a man, and tell me the truth. If you love me enough… then you would tell.”
“Why do you have to generalize gay people as faggots? They are all people.”
“Why are you so defensive about it, if you are not gay?” “Because they are my friends, I don’t allow that. Likewise, I would never allow anyone to call you a bitch.” “That’s not the reason why, Nicolas. Just admit it.” “Okay, well then I’m gay,” I yelled as my chest rose with every breath & my voice trembled with provoked anger. “You are,” she cried.
“Well, that’s what you wanted me to say. So I’m saying it.”
“No, I want you to tell me from the heart. Don’t say it because you think I want to hear it. Do you think I really want you to be gay? Hell no. I love you, and want to be with you for the rest of my life but if you continue to be with me, you are hurting the both of us,” she yelled as the tears streamed down her face like the Mississippi River. “Now, are you GAY,” she asked. “Yes, I am. I’m gay, I’m gay… I’M GAY,” I yelled tossing the Mickey Mouse plush toy I bought her for Valentine’s Day on the floor. She was lost for words and stared shockingly. It was like a melodramatic scene from ‘As the World Turns’ with an unfinished script because the rest was unpredictable. “This is the first time I admitted it to myself. All I ever wanted to do was live the ‘straight’ dream everyone want for me,” I cried as she bit down on her lip & threw her spine against the wall in defeat.
“How long have you known,” she asked.
“All my life… all my life I’ve known. But I’ve never acted on it, until---”
“Until when,” she yelled.
“I recently realized when I met this guy from Morgan!” “So you cheated on me,” she whispered biting on her bottom lip.
“Well, I wouldn’t call it cheating, we just--,” “Yall just what?”
“We just kissed, it was an innocent kiss. A peck, but it felt right,” I explained while her face remained in shock. “So not only are you gay, but you cheated on me,” she yelled.
“I didn’t cheat on you, I promise. There were many temptations; I really wanted to do it. Honestly, I did, but I thought about how it would affect you. Look at how much it is hurting you now,” I wiped the tears from her eyes, and rubbed the snot bubbles from her nose with the Christmas tissue paper. “What are we going to do,” she asked.
“I think we need to break up.”
“But I don’t want to break up, I am still in love with you and can’t imagine being without you,” she cried gripping my sweater & begging for me not to leave her. But we both knew it wouldn’t work. I really wanted to be with guys! My intimate relationship with her was real, but the passion & happiness wasn’t. Since I was a little boy, I knew I was different from the other guys. Placing someone through unnecessary pain hurt my heart & soul. I am so happy she has finally grown from that experience and found love. I guess when you give up on love, focus on yourself then love will find you again, right?
I forgot to say goodbye to Ms. Bridget earlier, I hope she is handling everything better than I am. The altercation with Delmar sidetracked me from everything, and violence is my last resort. But that will not retract anyone from getting their ass whipped. Especially when you try to take what is mine, ask Abdul what happened to the boy I caught in him in bed with. Let’s just say his eye still isn‘t right!