Next to Forever (Never Letting Go) (25 page)

My mom walks in and gives me a hug
. “How are you holding up, sweetie?”

The concern in her voice kills me. I hate that everyone is worried about me. I just want my life to be back to normal. “I’m fine, mom. Trust me. Everything’s fine.” I give her a smile, letting her know everything’s okay but I can’t fool her.

“Sit down, honey.”

We head to my bed and she takes my hand in hers. “I want to tell you something and I think this will help you.” My mom takes a deep breath and wipes a tear from her eye
. “Your father and I wanted to have three kids. That was our dream and when we found out I was pregnant with twins, Oh Erin, our world was filled with so much happiness, and we couldn’t wait.” She pauses and looks at me. “I was six months pregnant when I lost your brothers.” My hand goes to my mouth and I start crying. I can’t believe she never told me this. “It was hard and I fell into a horrible depression. Your father, the wonderful man he is, kept me alive though. I’m telling you this because, honey, I survived, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Eric and Patrick. Aria will always live in our hearts and no one will ever forget her, but baby, don’t pause your life because you’re sad.”

She gets up from the bed and pulls out a book from her purse. “Here’s my journal. I want you to read it
, and remember that you aren’t alone.” She kisses my forehead before leaving. “Come down in a little and have some lunch. Your dad and Sophia are cooking up a storm.”

“Alright,
Mom.” She closes the door, and I open her journal. I turn to her first entry.

Eric and Patrick Costella. We held our boys in our arms and watched them take their last breath. My heart breaks, and the
tears won’t stop. The doctors tell us there’s nothing we could have done to prevent this but a part of me takes the blame.

I looked at the knife on the counter and he saw me looking. He told me he loves me and doesn’t want anything bad to happen but I can’t stop thinking about wanting to be with them again. I cried in his arms for hours. How can I survive this?

I flip to a later entry and continue reading.

The sun is bright outside and I feel good today. It’s been seven months since losing Eric and Patrick and I think about them every day. I pray they’re in Heaven and they’re safe. He tells me we can try again and I’m happy. We want to fill the house with kids and give our children the best life possible. The thoughts of killing myself are gone. I’m here with my loving husband and I know we’ll make it through. The nights are getting better and I’m
weaning myself off the medication. I hate what it’s doing to my body but I do feel better. I feel… Alive.

My eyes start tearing up. My mom held my brothers in her arms and watched them die. The feeling of hate and disappointment fill my heart. I hate what I’m doing to everyone
, and I should be happy that I have Connor and my family. It hurts knowing that Aria is not with us but after reading my mom’s struggle and survival, there’s a piece of me that feels better. Aria’s not alone in Heaven and I pray that she’s safe. I close my eyes and say a silent good bye to my baby girl. All of a sudden, I hear laughing and a touch on my hand. I open my eyes and look around but there’s just me in the room. My heart is racing and I get up from the bed. I’m not scared or nervous, but I feel better—almost at peace after saying bye. A smile comes across my face and I warp my arms around myself. “I will be better.”

My parents and I go out to lunch and talk about what’s been going on. They tell me how proud they are of me but it’s hard for me to see what they see. Pushing around my pasta, my dad says my name. “Yeah
, dad?”

He takes my hand
. “Erin, I’m proud of you. Your mother and I both are. I know that this is something that’ll stay with you for a while but baby, you can’t let this run your life. You’re a lot stronger than this. I know that Vander took Aria from you and Connor—hell, from all of us, but baby you need to be thankful that you’re alive.” My mom wipes a tear from her eye.

“Your daddy’s right
, Erin. You’re so strong, and we don’t want to see you fall apart anymore.”

My parents and I talk throughout lunch
, and I’m feeling better. After we’re done, we walk around town and pick up some Christmas gifts. I still have no idea what to get Connor, but I see a few little things like clothes and a NCAA UNC jersey. I buy some gifts but plan on coming back with Sophia.

When we get home, Sophia and I rest on the couch and watch sappy girly movies. My parents join us
, and we listen to my dad grumbling and moaning, wishing the guys were here.

The day goes by
quickly, and I’m happier, especially being with my parents and Sophia. Adam and Connor are at the office for an important meeting. Connor keeps texting me and asking me if I’m okay. I love him but he needs to stop treating me as if I’m going to break. I have an appointment with Doctor Taylor at four this afternoon. It’ll be nice to get out of the house and talk to her. Hopefully, she’ll see that I’m doing well too, so it’s not just me thinking that I’m okay.

“Alright,
” I say, getting up from the kitchen table. “I have to go see Doctor Taylor but I’ll be back around five thirty.”

Sophia gets up and gives me a hug
. “I’m so proud of you. It’ll be okay, we’re here for you.”

I hug her back
. “Thank you,” I whisper. I need to hear her telling me this and need to stop shutting people out.

I put on my black pea coat and head out to my appointment. When I get there, Doctor Taylor greets me and we start our session.

“Do you think that it’s all in my head? That I’m okay?” I play with my fingers and pick at the lint on the couch. Meeting with her still makes me nervous when I know I shouldn’t be.

“No, I think that you’re making great progress. The night terrors are gone and you’re sleeping better through the night.” She looks back at her notebook and reads her notes from our sessions
. “I’m really happy for you, Erin. You are making progress and no, it’s not in your head. I think that you’re still going to have moments of sadness and fear but that’s normal. How did you feel when you read your mom’s journal? Does it make you feel,” she pauses, “normal that someone else experienced this loss?”

“I felt sad and that I wasn’t alone. My mom kept this from me for so long
, and when I read her journal, I don’t know, I felt better. You’re right. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone, and that I’m not crazy.” I let out a soft laugh. “I guess,” I pause. “I guess I felt crazy because, I mean, I tried killing myself and I wanted to die. I think about my life and everyone that loves me.” I pause again, thinking about what I want to say. “I feel alive again you know?

After my session with Doctor Taylor, I get in the car and head home. I check my phone and get a text from Sophia letting me know she’s at home with her dad and
that they’re making dinner. Everything seems to be getting better slowly, but it’s still hard. I touch my stomach but then remember there’s nothing there. I close my eyes and try to think about something else but Aria fills my mind. “I miss you so much, baby girl.”

I get to Sophia’s and pull into the driveway and head inside. When I walk inside I call out for Sophia but I don’t hear anything.

“Soph! I’m back!” I walk in the kitchen and see the oven is on with bowls full of vegetables and chicken. “Weird,” I mumble. “Sophia!” I turn around and see Vander standing behind me. “Oh shit! Vander!” My heart starts racing and my mind goes off to a different place. Why is Vander here? The look on his face scares me and I have the worst feeling.

“Welcome home, Erin.” He grabs my neck and pushes me against the counter. “So good to finally have you back. Do you know how long we’ve been waiting for you?”

“Vander, please stop. What are you doing?” He doesn’t say anything but instead, he drags me from the kitchen to the living room. I try to struggle away from him but it’s pointless. Sophia’s on the floor on her side with tape on her mouth and her hands tied behind her back along with her feet. “Sophia?” Then, I look over and see Doctor Burns lying in a pool of blood. He’s not moving and Sophia shuts her eyes. “Noooooo! Vander, what the fuck is wrong with you?” He pushes me to the ground but before I can get up, he pulls out a gun and points it to me.

“Shut up! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment? DO YOU
?”

“Why are you doing this?” I move closer to Sophia but I don’t get far.

“Stop or I will kill you.” Vander walks backwards to get a chair and brings it back to the living room and sits down. “It’s because of your boyfriend we’re here, do you know that?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ester and Paul.” He simply says. Sophia tries to scream but I don’t know what’s going on. Her eyes go wide and she struggles to get out of the hold but can’t.

“Why’s Sophia freaking out? What happened?” Vander doesn’t say anything but looks at Sophia. They stare at one another but I can’t tell what’s going on.

“My parents died because of Connor.” He says without breaking eye contact with Sophia. “The night my parents died, they got into an accident with Connor’s parents.” His eyes grow dark and his voice angry. “My dad was sentenced to jail where he later died. I never even got to say bye to them.”

“This isn’t Connor’s fault, Vander! You can’t do this!”

“No one was there for me when I lost my parents and had to go through fucking hell! Someone’s going to fucking pay! How does it feel to not have Aria, Erin?” His smirk and vicious tone sends me overboard. How dare he take Aria’s name in vain.

I lunge at him
. “You fucking bastard,” tears coming from my eyes but I don’t give a shit. I want this piece of garbage to fucking die! I tackle him on the ground and we struggle. I’m not paying attention to where the gun is but I don’t care. The anger takes over my body and all I see is red. I bite Vander’s arm, and he lets go of the gun and starts screaming.

“You fucking bitch!” He kicks me
off him and the pain surges through my body. He comes after me and we struggle again and his hands go around my neck. “Looks like you’re going to fucking die tonight, bitch.” He squeezes harder and I try with everything I have to get him off me. This is it. Vander’s going to kill me and I never got to see Connor or tell him I love him. The last person I’m going to see before I die is Vander. I look over and see Sophia trying to get up and her cheeks are stained with tears. I’m sorry, Sophia. Please take care of Connor and let him know how much I love him.

Connor

It’s just back-to-back meetings today, and I can’t take my mind off Erin. She seems better and it makes me feel better. She deserves to feel happy again. I get back to my office for a few minutes before another meeting. I try calling Erin but she doesn’t pick up. She’s out with her parents, so I don’t want to bug her too much. Checking my email, I respond to a few before getting the files ready for meeting number three for today.

My brain is shutting down and I’m exhausted. I try
to eat some lunch Aly made, but we’re so behind with work that I don’t have time to eat. Before I know it, it’s nearly nine in the evening. The day has gone by so fast, and now it’s getting late. Rubbing my eyes, I pull out my phone and see I have no messages. “Weird,” I mumble.

I’m not getting any more work done tonight, so I lock my computer and grab my jacket. My office door opens and Adam comes in.

“Have you talked to Erin or Soph?” He asks, sitting down in front of me with his cell phone in his hands.

I twirl my chair around to face him
. “No, I haven’t. I was just going to come see you and ask the same thing. Do you think they’re okay?”

Adam puts his phone to his ear and waits. The expression of fear hits his face and I wonder what’s going on. It’s not like Erin to not answer any of my messages.

“Still no answer.” Adam starts to panic and gets up, pacing the room. “Come on, let’s go.”

I quickly get up from my desk and we leave the building. We get into Adam’s car and drive to his house. I try calling Erin
again but there’s no answer. She wouldn’t completely ignore me all day. We’ve been doing well lately but a part of me fears the worse and she’s somewhere hurt and needs me.

Adam pulls into the driveway and the front door is wide open. “Something’s wrong,” Adam says, quietly getting out of the car. “I know something’s wrong. Come on!”

There’s a nagging feeling deep inside and all I want is to run in and get Erin. We walk around the house and try to peek inside but there’s no one in the kitchen. Then I see movement in the living room. I motion to Adam to follow me so we can look through that window.

“Vander!” I run to the deck and go inside through the screen door. I don’t care if he has a gun. Erin and Sophia are in danger and I have to save them. Adam is close behind me and we burst through the living room, tackling Vander to the ground.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I punch him in the face repeatedly. There’s blood coming from his nose and mouth but I don’t care. All I want is to kill him. The rage in me grows as I continue to punch him.