New Title 3 (25 page)

“
Hey, since I’m a junkie, maybe she belongs with someone better.”

“
Where are you getting all of this?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he shouted.

Wrong with me? Was he kidding?

“
Don’t yell at me, don’t you fucking yell at me! This is your fault! You did this to me! You want her? She’s yours!” I strode over to him. He did not flinch, although the anger and bewilderment never left his expression. “What made you say that?! Hey? What the fuck made you say that?!” My anger spilled out of me as I yelled my accusations into his face.

He continued to deny it. Sara came running into the addition with Fred and Sonny. Seth and Sidney soon followed, attracted by the yelling. As I panned each of their faces, I saw shock and horror.

“
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Sara cried, rushing past Fred and Sonny to get between Connor and me. “Why are you fighting?”

She looked terrible. Her skin was white, and dark circles marked her puffy, red-rimmed eyes. Behind her, the guys looked like they’d just been kicked in the bag. They’d never seen us at each other’s throats like this before.

“
This is between me and him. I don’t want any of you here!” I shouted.

“
It’s okay, Sonny,” Connor said. “Just go.”

“
Why are you fighting?!” Sara insisted.

“
It’s nobody’s business, Sara!” I snapped.

“
We’ll be done in a minute,” Connor told Sonny, who refused to budge.

“
You’re a real piece of work, Connor!” I could hold back no longer. The blood roared in my ears. “I’ll give ‘em something to talk about!”

My fist went into his face, knocking him to the floor. I moved to boot him in the ribs, but the other guys intervened, ending the one-sided battle as quickly as it had begun.

Connor let Sonny and Fred help him to his feet and lead him out. He muttered something under his breath as he touched his jaw gingerly. To the others he added, “Don’t let him near the drugs.”

Sid and Seth released me when Connor cleared the room. Sara asked them to leave us and they did, albeit reluctantly.

“
What’s wrong with you, Joel?” she wept. “What would possess you? Your best friend?” She was sitting on the floor with her hands supporting her head. I stayed on the floor as well, shaking uncontrollably.

“
I know all about you two. I heard your conversation yesterday.” My voice was covered in a layer of frost so palpable the whole room actually seemed to cool. My heart was pounding violently, and my breathing became ragged as the adrenalin pushed through my veins.

“
What the hell does that mean? What? What about us?” She had managed to look angry and innocent at the same time, no easy feat.

“
Don’t do that, Sara. Don’t treat me like an idiot. Give me that at least.”

“
Joel, I...” Her voice broke. “Joel, these things are IN YOUR HEAD.”

“
You’re saying I dreamed up that conversation? ‘Cause if that’s what you’re suggesting, then you’d better rethink your next words or this conversation is over.”

“
Stop it! Just stop it, alright?” She banged her fists on the plywood flooring. “We did have a conversation about you yesterday. But not to drag you through the mud. You’ve been giving us reason to worry about you. I’m allowed to talk to Connor, aren’t I?”

“
You’ve been talking a lot lately, Sara.” I was losing what little composure I had left. “You two have been doing a lot of talking lately.”

“
Did you ever stop to think about why that could be?” she shouted at me. “Did you ever think that maybe if you didn’t bury your emotions and your thoughts in that goddamn pipe daily, two or three times a day, that maybe we could talk like we used to?”

“
The drugs are keeping me together right now, alright?!” I yelled back. “They’re helping me cope!”

“
The drugs are killing you, Joel!”

“
They keep me sane!”

“
They’re making you
insane
! The pot is making you paranoid! The more you use it the worse you get! You don’t see it but we do!” She wiped her eyes. “It’s making you crazy, Joel. And I don’t want that for you. I don’t.”

“
But you’ll fuck Connor in the meantime, is that it?! Is it?! Well, fuck you and your bullshit half-assed concern because I’ll be fine! I’m better off on my own.”

I scrambled to my feet and left Sara there on the floor, weeping. Storming blindly downstairs and out the door, I jumped onto one of the Harleys we’d collected. For a fleeting second I felt like an asshole for leaving her in such a state of misery, but righteous indignation soon took over. I’d been betrayed. I’d lost face with everyone, been humiliated, embarrassed, betrayed! How could she do that to me! How could I face any of them again?

I had no idea where I was going. But I would soon find out. And it would mean the end of things as I knew them.

P
assing the abandoned north gate, which had been dismantled months ago in order to tighten our defences and shorten our supply lines, I resolved to keep going until something or someone made me stop.

The wind in my face felt fresh and real, which I relished: real was so hard to come by anymore. I was sure that Connor and Sara, the two people whom I’d trusted the most, had betrayed me. Their treachery disillusioned me, made me question almost everything I’d taken for granted.

I checked my pockets for a spare bag of reality. The bike swerved from left to right as my concentration shifted, but I steadied her out. Good- I found a half-quarter. Pulling over, I parked the motorcycle and sat on the road divider. The Sweet Bitch was tucked into another pocket, so I eagerly packed the bowl and lit it.

I inhaled several times before exhaling, holding the smoke captive in my lungs, shaking my head to speed up the process. My heart was broken, my life was over, love had left me. In a strange way it made me love Sara more, want to love her more, show her how much I appreciated her, but the thought of her and Connor:
sickening
. Bitch! Prick! Fuck!

Bang! I was hit. My mouth fell open, my eyes closed, and my head pitched back. The painful thoughts were still there, but distant now. I could focus only on what was taking place in the here and now. I waited until I felt steadier, then mounted the bike and resumed my journey.

Continuing north, I passed the place where we'd seen the farmer's cattle break loose while the forest beyond his home burned, when things were in their infancy, when shit could've gone either way. As I rode by, I turned to look at the blackened farm buildings, taking in the full extent of my neighbour’s misfortune. Or was it their good fortune? Nothing good had come of us making it this far.

Turning right, I headed east with no purpose in mind but to keep moving. Thoughts came and went with little effort or accompanying emotion. The smile remained on my face, the bike motored on.

The wind was artificial. It was
me
pushing through the atmosphere, not the atmosphere pushing at me. We, as humans, were always pushing. We pushed the limits of everything. We pushed our environment, pushed each other. We were a race of bullies. On the flip side, we pushed through adversity. We pushed through hardships and impossible scenarios. We didn’t necessarily come out on top but we did try, didn’t we?

As green signs whizzed past me, announcing town names and their former population totals, I recalled that Elle Lake would soon appear to my left. The same place Earl had mentioned. As I took the bend, the bike seemed to know where it was going, so I let it. How could I detour from my destiny? Whatever I did, destiny would find me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I tested my theory. I tested my destiny. The sensation was incredible. It was as though I were invincible. Then, ten seconds later, I veered off and crashed through the dead saplings and thick brush that lined the ditch. Caught in the face by a low-hanging branch, I was thrown from my seat and landed solidly on my tailbone while the bike slammed into a stump and flipped over.

Slumped there, watching the bike’s front wheel spin, I felt dizzy and collapsed onto the dusty earth. Looking up, I saw the blackened trees stretch toward the sun, wishing for a second chance. Then I closed my eyes and blacked out.

*****

When I regained consciousness I was still lying on my back, arms at my sides. Slowly, carefully, I sat up. I could hear something.

It was unmistakable. I could hear people in the woods below. People! I found my pistol, lowered myself onto my stomach, and aimed in the direction of their voices. Then, suddenly, they stopped. I listened carefully, but heard nothing further.

Had they only been in my head? Strange, they had seemed real enough. I waited what seemed like an eternity before letting my guard down. Then I rose, picked up my bike, and pushed through the brush that covered the sloping hill. Suddenly a small encampment materialized in front of me, appearing so suddenly that I froze. Was it real? Or an illusion??

A voice rang out. A horribly familiar voice. “Joel!”

Gareth.

My fingers gripped the motorcycle handlebars so tightly that my knuckles cracked in protest. My pistol was holstered inside my coat, but I’d have been cut down before I could go for it.

Several of the flag people materialized from the woods around me, closing in. Gareth was approaching from the direction of the camp, his smile cruel.

“
Wait!” I said. His pace slowed, and I thought fast.

“
I- I've come here to see you.” The words were out of my mouth before I could really process what I was saying.

Gareth lit up. He looked at his followers as if to say,
I told you so.
Then he approached, his manner more relaxed.

“
Knew you would,” he said, almost gleefully. “Knew you would…” Smiling through that filthy beard, he reached me and slapped my shoulders in a manner not unfriendly. I remained glued to the bike, afraid that any movement on my part might spark a violent reaction from the others.

“
Give our guest some room, people!” Gareth shouted, noticing my discomfort. The group fell away. I dropped the bike and let him lead me toward the camp.

“
Just give me their name, Joel,” he said. “The one you are here to present to us. Did you bring them?”

“
Their name?” I repeated, trying not to sound confused. Any indecision would turn the situation violent. I felt it.

“
Yes, Joel. A sympathizer: you found one in your midst. I can tell. A traitor to your cause.” He began shaking his head again. “I was tipped off by a divine vision, a vision that you would visit us and present us with this gift.”

The group studied me. Nothing can describe the extreme angst I experienced standing there. Thought escaped me, my head went empty. Please, I did not want this to be my destiny. After all I’d been through, I wasn’t going to find my end at the hands of Gareth and his religious rejects.

“
Tell me then, tell us, who has wronged you?” Gareth breathed through his mouth, wheezing, the wiry hairs surrounding his lips pushing out with each exhalation. The group seemed to sway back and forth as they too waited with bated breath for my answer.

Two people had wronged me but only one name came to mind. I hated him, I was sure I hated him. I couldn’t let it end here. I wasn’t ready to die. Not like this. So I spoke the name.

Gareth smiled like a jackal.

My heart sank and I flinched. What had I done? What did it matter? I had offered Gareth a lamb and saved my own neck. My mind began to race. I was offering a friend to certain death. But if he were out of the picture it would solve many more problems for me than it would create! I could never hurt him like that myself... No, my part had to be such that no one could suspect me. I couldn’t let the others know this was my doing.

“
It is done.” Gareth savoured this phrase as he would a good meal. “It is done!” This time he shouted, raising his arms triumphantly to the excited crowd around us.

They began to mass-chant the name of my former friend,
my traitorous, conniving, back-stabbing friend. I
looked slowly around the circle, knees shaking, while they praised me as the latest inspiration driving the flag army toward a new hope. Bile rose in my throat. I pushed my way through the tightly packed circle, staggered into a bush, and vomited.

Gareth followed me. When I stopped heaving, he laid a reassuring hand on my back. “Joel, we have you to thank for our renewed strength.”

“
Then you let me do this my way,” I replied, breathing through my nose until the nausea subsided. “I'll set this up for you, but I don’t want any credit for your continued success, you understand me, Gareth?”

One more brutal convulsion followed my demand, painful and deliberate. The muscles in my back ached and my throat burned.

“
There will be no mention of you, Joel,” he promised. “No one will know that you had any part in this. Come, you will spend the night with us. We will discuss a plan of action over dinner.” He spoke as if he intended to discuss plans for a surprise party or something.

After drinking some water that they offered from a surprisingly clean cup, I took out my pipe and lit up without bothering to ask for permission, needing to escape into oblivion. Gareth said nothing, just watching me with unholy glee warming his features. Something stood behind him, something dark. Was it a shadow? No, it left me cold. Escaping worked. I remained there on my knees for some time.