Never Turn Back (17 page)

He waved his hand. “A simple favor for a brave young Finnish girl who came into my shop with a beautiful lace dress.” He grinned and patted her on the shoulder.

My Papa would like this man.

§

“Pregnant!” Siri shouted.

Meri told her as they were sitting on a park bench near the Dorval residence. “Shush! Now even the pigeons know!” Meri scolded her friend.

Still with a frantic quality to the pace of her speech, Siri said more quietly, “How did this happen? Didn’t you use protection? What are you going to do? Does he know yet? He better marry you now!”

“Siri, stop. You’re exhausting me. I asked you here to calm me down. I need advice, not more questions.” She had at least one free hand always placed on her belly since she found out.
Why am I doing this? Is it an act of protection? Of what—or who: my reputation, my job, my future with Amiel, my figure?

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m shocked.”

“Me too.”

As was their habit, the women faced each other for a brief moment to let what they just said sink in, and then they began to laugh. Meri missed laughing. She never laughed with anyone but Siri…and Soldat. Amiel was charming and could be clever, but he never made her laugh like Siri did.

“So, Siri, what shall I do?” She glanced down at her belly. Now both hands were covering it.

“You’re going to keep the baby, right?”

“The baby?” Meri stared blankly at her friend. Not once since she had learned she was pregnant had the word “baby” come up—not in her mind or in any conversation…until now.

“
Oui,
the baby. That
is
what you’re having!”

“I know, but saying it makes it seem so…so different and important.
Mon Dieu
, Siri! I’m going to be a mother! Of a baby. The last time I took care of a baby was in Finland. Mamma had a little boy late in life and she didn’t want to raise him, so other than feeding him from her breast, I took care of him. Jani was, I mean, is, his name. I raised Jani, and now I’m going to raise
my own
child.” Meri spoke as if this realization had just dawned on her.

“So you are keeping your baby, right?”

Meri nodded a weak nod.

“Of course you are. You couldn’t live with the terrible sin of killing a baby. I suppose you could give him or her away for adoption…”

“Assuming Amiel doesn’t marry me.” Meri added.

“So he doesn’t know yet.”

Meri shook her head. “How do I tell him? He may think I planned this to trap him into marriage. Men think women are devious.”

“Surely not Amiel. He loves you, doesn’t he?”

“He says he does. But it’s a long voyage between love and marriage. I haven’t even told him where I work or what I do—just that I work for a rich couple and the Madame is mean to me.”

“You haven’t told him anything about your job or the baby? Meri! This man loves someone he doesn’t even know!” Siri slapped her hands against her cheeks.

Meri looked away. “He hasn’t asked about my work. I suppose he isn’t the curious type.” Looking back at Siri, Meri shrugged.

“Meri.” Siri’s tone sounded like a disappointed parent.

“When I tell him he’s going to be a father, I’ll tell him the rest. Perhaps the fact I’m a lowly maid will fade in comparison to the other news.”

“
Mon Dieu
! Meri. You certainly get yourself into some interesting predicaments.”

“Sometimes with no help from you,” Meri said with a smile. For some reason talking about her pregnancy with Siri made the situation seem less bleak.

“Does Madame
Fussy Bossy have any idea about the baby?” Siri asked.

“
Non.
I only hope Monsieur will advocate for me or Amiel marries me. Otherwise I’ll be in big trouble. My savings won’t carry me far.”

“Well, I suggest you speak with Amiel. He’s your best bet, by far. You don’t want to raise this child alone, Meri.”

Meri nodded. She was thinking of the many times as a young girl she had to tend to Jani by herself. It was hard, even though her mother and her siblings were living with her. Perhaps it was hard
because
they were living with her and chose not to help. She shook the memory off, not wanting to dwell in the past.

The future is what she needed to pour her limited energy into. Her normal Saturday with Amiel was coming up, and she had to figure out the best way to tell him her…their news.

§

Meri waited until after they had finished a satisfying meal and were in Amiel’s room. She could hear Josef moving around somewhere in the apartment. He was well aware his younger brother had a woman, so there was no more need for secrecy.

As they lay in each other’s arms with Amiel nuzzling Meri’s ash blonde hair, Meri took a deep breath. “Amiel, I have news. Important news.”

“What’s so important it can’t wait until after we make love?” He reached down and patted her round derrière.

She smiled in spite of herself. Amiel, a playful man, provided such a welcomed relief to her dreary, toilsome life with Madame.
Would a baby seal their relationship or make him run from her?
There was only one way to find out. “You’re impossible, Amiel! This news can’t wait. If I don’t tell you now, I may lose my courage.”

“All right,
mon amour
. Tell me.” He sighed and kissed her on top of her head. His hand, however, stayed on her buttocks.

“You’re the only man I’ve ever been this close to, Amiel.”

“Meri, you’re the only woman who exists in my world. What’s this news? You’re beginning to worry me.”

“I’m pregnant.”

She waited with eyes closed for his response.

Silence.

Meri finally opened her eyes and looked at him. “Did you hear me? I have your baby inside me.”

He nodded.

“Well?” Meri’s gray eyes darkened. “Are you going to say anything?”

“How long…how long have you known?”

“That’s your first question? Not, am I all right?” Meri slid to the other side of the bed. They were still fully clothed and she was glad. She wrapped her sweater tighter around her. “I’ve known for several weeks. I don’t have a big belly that everyone can see, so I’m not too far along. That’ll happen soon enough.” She turned her head and stared out of the window.

“Meri. I’m sorry. The news is, well, unexpected. We always use protection.”

“This protection isn’t so good.”

Amiel reached for Meri. “I was waiting until
Hanukkah
to ask you to marry me.” He paused and smiled meekly. “So we just speed things up.” He spoke more rapidly. “We’re happy with each other, and now we’re going to have a baby. We’ll get married. It’ll be fine. Josef loves children, and we need a son to carry on the business.” With each breath, Amiel seemed more excited about his future with Meri and their child, certain it would be a boy.

Meri took his hand and smiled. He said everything she had hoped for. Only one thing confused her. “When were you going to ask me to marry you?
Hanaku?
”

He laughed. “It’s pronounced Han-noo-kah. And it’s the Jewish Festival of Lights. A festival of dedication. Perfect,
oui
?” His eyes beamed. He continued, apparently not noticing Meri’s blank eyes. “We never talked about religion, but I guessed you’re a Christian. You celebrate Christmas, right? We celebrate
Hanukkah
. To marry me, you’ll have to convert to Judaism and our children will be raised as Jews. Is that a problem for you, Meri?”

Meri turned silent. All she heard was the guttural way Amiel pronounce this festival word as if clearing his throat.
Has he spoken this way before? Have I not noticed? Is that how Jews talk? Will my baby speak from the bottom of her throat?
She dropped his hand and placed both of her hands on her stomach. Nausea overwhelmed her.

“What’s the matter, Meri. Are you feeling all right?” Amiel slid over to sit beside her and held her. He stroked her head and back. His touch felt both comforting and vexing.

“
Non.
I’m not. All of a sudden I feel sick.”

“Is it the baby?” Amiel was already the concerned, loving husband and father.

“
Oui
…in a way.”

“What do you mean?” His touches were soft, gentle, disturbing.

“You’re a Jew.” Her voice sounded as flat as the floor. She said it as a statement of fact, not an accusation.

“So what? We love each other. And now you’re having my baby.”

Love? He never told me he loved me until now. Do I love him?
“Jews caused all the financial problems in Europe. A war might happen because of Jews.” Again, she was speaking as if reading from a newspaper.

“
What?
” His hand stopped caressing her. “You can’t possibly believe such nonsense! Who filled your head with such horrible lies?”

“Madame
and her family. Siri and Monsieur Dorval also spoke of possible war. He said he wouldn’t want to be a Jew in Europe right now.” She blew out a big breath in frustration. “I know nothing about Jews, and then I hear bad things about them. What am I to believe?”

“Believe
me
, Meri. I’m a Jewish man. Do you think I plotted to ruin France’s economy or want a war?” He laughed. It sounded hard, not jocular. “Those Germans. They hate us and always have. Why? You tell me because I don’t know. But you, Meri, aren’t a German. You have no reason to hate me or any Jew.”

“I don’t hate anyone, Amiel. I’m just afraid that if there’s a war against the Jews, I don’t want any part of it. Especially because my baby.”

“Our baby, Meri. Our baby.” Amiel got up from the bed and paced the small bedroom. “You say Madame treats you harshly and is difficult to work for. How could you believe any filth that comes from her mouth?”

“Because she is my employer. What if she finds out I’m carrying a Jew baby? Do you think she’ll keep me as her maid?”

“Let her fire you. I’ll marry you and take care of you and our baby.”

“But what about this war? How will you take care of us in a war against the Jews?”

Amiel threw his hands up in the air. “What war? I don’t hear any bullets or bombs. Do you? There are no tanks plowing through the streets of Paris. The Germans love to talk of war like Parisian women love to talk of fashion. They’re dreaming.”

Meri covered her face with both hands. She spoke, but even she did not know if her words were meant for Amiel or God. “Why does the father of my child have to be Jewish? Can’t he change and become like me?”

“I don’t believe this! Meri, I’m proud to be who I am. Are you really that ashamed or afraid of me because of my religion?” Amiel had taken on a ghostly pallor.

Meri shook her head and sighed. She hoisted herself up from the bed as if she were already nine months pregnant. Amiel did not make a move to help her. “I’m tired…and confused.”

“Meri, don’t let those evil Germans scare you.”

“Evil? That’s the word they used about Jews. I don’t know what to think. I know one thing for sure. This baby needs my protection.” She kissed Amiel on the cheek and gave him a long embrace. “
Au revoir, Amiel
.” Meri didn’t allow herself to cry until she had walked several blocks away from his apartment. She sat on a park bench. The tears and moans came from a place so deep inside her, it frightened her.

She decided, for her own safety and the protection of the child she was now responsible for, she would never see Amiel again. Avoiding him would be easy.
He doesn’t know where I work or the name of my employers. He’ll never find me since we always met either at a public place or at his apartment. That was smart.

When she thought of his soft touches and gentle kisses, she wanted to run back to him. Maybe he could protect them and all the talk of war and the Jews part in it was nonsense. But something inside her told her to walk away from this man and his promise of a good life.
I don’t even know if I love him. What good is love anyway? It’s a luxury not meant for me. I have Mamma to thank for that. She never loved me and probably put a curse on me. No love for Meri, even with kind and gentle Amiel. I found a man, and he’s a Jew in a time and place where suspicion and danger surrounds all Jews. I hope you’re happy, Mamma!
If she turned back and married him, she knew she would regret it. She knew it. So she did not turn back.

Meri would raise this half-Jewish child alone. She only hoped that Madame
would allow her to continue to work for her and that this baby looked more like its mother than its father.

On the cold evening when Meri and Amiel parted, she did more than cry. She planned.
I don’t have the luxury of sentimentality,
she told herself
. I must protect my job and my child. Somehow, I will make a life for the two of us and hide from Amiel. If this talk about the Jews is even partly true, I don’t want anyone to know I consorted with one of them and my baby is half Jewish. This child must be only French…only mine.

Meri sat on the park bench for a long time, holding her only slightly rounded belly. She rehearsed telling Monsieur Dorval, who would hopefully smooth things over with Madame. Soldat was the key to keeping her job. As long as she remained strong and healthy, she could handle Soldat as well as her household chores.
Why would they discharge me as long as I can perform my duties with a baby in my belly? When the baby is out, everything changes. What will happen?
Madame will never allow a servant’s baby in her household.

Meri decided a talk with Siri was her best course of action.
She will have my answers.
With as much—or as little—settled, she returned to the Dorval residence and began life as an unwed mother-to-be.

Madame noticed the weight Meri gained. “Buying a new uniform is more expensive than going on a diet, Meri.” Madame repeatedly told her. Meri used her adept sewing skills to repeatedly alter her uniform to fit her expanding body. Meri kept her pregnancy a secret until her uniform no longer fit.

The day finally came when she had to tell Monsieur Dorval. Meri hoped he would understand and she could still keep her job. Convincing Madame would be a battle that she did not have the nerve or energy to think about until this one had been waged and won.

Meri knocked on his study door, even though it remained open nearly all of the time.
He’s such a caring and sociable man
, Meri thought,
even to his servants
. “Meri! Come in and sit down.” He stood to greet her.
Such a gentleman, too
.

“Monsieur, may I have a few moments of your time?”

“Of course, Meri. What may I do for you? Is Madame in one of her moods again?” He winked.
His eyes twinkle like Papa’s always did when we had our private talks.

“
Non.
Madame
is fine. The trouble is all mine.” Meri could not look at his kind, handsome face, which had aged gracefully since they had first met ten years ago when she first entered his fashion house.

“What is your trouble, Meri?” His voice carried oddly harmonizing tones of concern and amusement, as if servants could not have grave problems to worry about. P
erhaps he assumes a good girl like me couldn’t have serious troubles. Papa always assumed the best when it came to me, unlike Mamma…and Madame.

“I’m ashamed to tell you. I hope you’ll still want me to work for you after you hear what I have to say. If you don’t, I understand. I love my job and admire you greatly. I love Soldat with all my heart. Madame is a fine woman who keeps an organized and proper household. I like her routines and schedules. I love my work.” Meri rambled on and repeatedly twisted the hem of her tight uniform.

“
Oui
, Meri.
Oui
. I, too, think you fit beautifully in our home. Soldat would be unmanageable without you. Come out with it. What horrible thing do you have to tell me?” The lightness in his voice did not match his words. Meri wondered,
Is he not taking me seriously?

“I’m with child, Monsieur.” She said it simply, directly, and waited with her head down for whatever he had to say.

Silence.

Finally, she raised her head to look at her employer.
Hopefully
, she thought,
he’s still my employer.

Sitting back in his chair, Monsieur Dorval had his arms folded across his chest. He wore an expression Meri had seen her father wear when he attempted to discipline her but did not have his heart in it.
But something is different than how Papa would look at me,
Meri noticed.
He looks almost hurt. Have I betrayed him without knowing?

Meri did what she used to do with her father—she opened her eyes wide in a
well, what-are-you-going-to-do-now?
expression.

He did what her Papa always did. Monsieur Dorval’s lips cracked into a faint smile.

When her Papa smiled instead of scolding her, Meri would let out the breath she held, soften her eyes, and wait. She did the same sitting in front of Monsieur Dorval.
He’s just like Papa
. Relief relaxed her tense posture, and she settled into the cushiony chair.

“Another man has stolen your heart, eh? I thought Soldat and I were the only men in your life.” He spoke in such a way that Meri could not tell if he was serious or if he was joking with her.

“
Oui,
Monsieur, but I don’t love him. I wish to stay here with you and Soldat.”

He nodded while rubbing his chin.
I think he’s trying to hide a smile
, Meri thought.
Does Monsieur like me in a way very different than Papa does…or did?

Meri startled when he spoke, bringing her back from her musings. “Your news will not sit well with Greta.” He had become more serious and seemed to be speaking to himself.
Papa did the same while considering how to handle Mamma
. He turned his attention to Meri. “When is your baby due?”

“In the summer. July, I think.”

“We are likely to be in the country. Good. Good. Zara will come with us. We often only take one maid and leave one behind to care for the main house. You will stay here. Can you handle Soldat?”

Unsure if he asked her or had pondered aloud, Meri answered. “My good friend Siri could come here…until I’m strong enough to walk Soldat with the baby. As long as I’m able to walk, I’ll tend to Soldat.”
I’m sure Siri will help me. She may have trouble arranging things with her job, though. Mon Dieu! We’ll make this work out one way or another. I don’t know how, but we will.

“Meri, this is none of my business, but what about the father? I she not willing to help you?” Monsieur Dorval’s eyebrows furrowed. His eyes and voice spoke, however, only kindness and concern.

“
Non.
He’s gone.” Meri smoothed the perfectly smooth skirt of her uniform.

“You wish to keep the child?”

She nodded. “It’s my duty.”

“I understand.” He took a deep breath and released it. “Madame, she may not understand.”

Meri turned her face, flushed red with nervousness, away. She pinched her lips together in a crooked frown.

He noticed Meri’s concerned expression. “Let me worry about Madame. You should focus on staying healthy and comfortable. Getting you a larger uniform would be a good start.”

His words and demeanor relieved Meri, yet her blushing worsened.
He sees how fat I’m getting
. “A larger uniform would make working more comfortable.”
What else can I say? How many more problems will this baby cause me?

“Meri, do not be embarrassed. What kind of fashion designer would I be if I did not notice how fabric fits to a woman’s body?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

Meri offered him a thin smile—the only thing thin about her these days.

“You go now and tend to Soldat. I will speak to Madame now. I assume she, too, has noticed the snug fit of your uniform?”

“She believes I need to go on a diet.”

Monsieur laughed out loud and slapped his knee. “That is my Greta! She has the solution to every problem. My wife may seem harsh and rigid, Meri—she often is—but you must understand, her parents raised her to be ‘the perfect girl.’ Those Germans and their perfection are impossible to live with sometimes.” He shook his head. “I am almost glad we did not have children.” He seemed to be talking to the air rather than Meri, which was fine by her.
I agree. Madame would have made a brutal mother.

Meri stood up, smoothing her uniform. “
Merci,
Monsieur. You’re the kindest man I ever met in Paris. I hope to work for you for a long, long time.”

“Let me see if I can make that happen. I do not want to lose you. Meri, you cheer up this dreary house for me.” He walked around his desk and escorted Meri out of his study, his arm protectively wrapped around her shoulder.

§

When Meri came in from letting Soldat romp through the gardens, she heard more than she wanted to hear of Madame’s and Monsieur’s “discussion” of her future. If she could have just gone directly to her room in the servants’ quarters, she would have been spared the details, but Soldat needed to be fed. Meri was in the kitchen and the Dorvals were in Madame’s private study. Even with the door closed, she could hear their loud and passionate deliberations.

“You are so soft, Michel, especially concerning that…
her
. Why do you care so much about a maid?”

“Greta, Darling, I have told you many times. She reminds me of a younger me—when I just started my business. The day she came into—”

“I know the story. Do not bore me with it again. I hired her when you asked me to. I overlooked her being sick when you came to me on her behalf. Now I find out she was not sick at all!”

“Greta, I did not know she was with child back then. I doubt if she even knew. She is quite an innocent girl and needs our support.”

“Michel. You are easily fooled. Women are not so innocent. Especially women who end up pregnant without a man to claim as a father. Is this the type of person you trust in our household? I certainly do not!”

“Meri is not a stranger to us. You know her work, and she has never given you cause to suspect her of any mischief. Do not forget Soldat. He listens to no one else but Meri.”

“You need not remind me that my dog is controlled by that woman!”

“Well, Darling, you assigned his care to her.”

Ha! It’s true. What can she say to that? I can tell she’s upset. She’s stomping around the room.
Meri heard the sharp
click-clack
of Madame’s heels on the marble floor.

Greta’s voice snapped Meri out of her thoughts. “What good is a housekeeper who must attend to a baby? I will not pay for a mother to tend to her child.”

“I agree. This issue must be resolved.”

“What about a pregnant housekeeper? Am I expected to lighten her duties?”

“I suspect as her health requires—”

“Then her pay will also be lightened.”

“Greta. Meri will have added expenses. We cannot cut her pay. It is
inhumane
.”

“It is
logical
. I am in charge of the household help, Michel.”

“But I bring in the wages you disperse.”

Silence, then Meri heard something slamming.

“Greta. Do not fool yourself. I give you a great deal of autonomy in all matters regarding the operation of our home. You do a wonderful job. I am simply reminding you where the money comes from. You will not cut Meri’s wages. We will have to work something out once the child is born so she may attend to her duties to you during regular working hours.”

Madame’s voice was softer, shakier. “Michel. I cannot have a baby…another woman’s baby…in my home. Not after losing so many of our own.”

Soldat salivated so much he left a huge pool of drool near Meri’s feet. She had stopped his food preparations in order to eavesdrop on a conversation determining her future and the fate of her unborn child. The dog nudged her in the belly hard enough to make her gasp. She hoped the Dorvals did not hear her and that Soldat would not start to whine or, worse, bark. Meri gave the dog a hunk of lamb, which he swallowed whole. She quietly but quickly prepared his meal, trying to keep her attention on both the knife she used to chop the dog’s meat and the turn the conversation had taken in the adjacent room.

The next thing Meri heard stunned her. Monsieur Dorval said, “I must agree, Darling. I will tell Meri she will have to find another home for her child.”

“
Merci
, Michel. Then Meri can stay. What she does while she is not working—visiting her child, seeing men, whatever—is no concern of mine as long as it is legal.” Madame’s sniffling seemed unnatural and forced to Meri’s ear.

“You have nothing to fear, Greta. I would stake my reputation on Meri’s honorable character.”

Meri winced as she put Soldat’s jumbo-sized dog food bowl down for him. He ate as if nothing was amiss. He ate as if Meri did not face having a baby and giving it up for strangers to foster. He ate as if Meri had not consorted with Jews, which was tantamount to sleeping with the enemy in Madame’s mind.
Does Monsieur think Jewish people (and women who have their babies) are despicable. I hope not. But to be safe, I’m going to keep my baby’s origins a secret.