Never Turn Back (16 page)

“As you wish!” He stripped as if his clothes were on fire.

Illuminated only by the street lights coming through the sheer curtains on the single window in his room, Meri could see Amiel’s nakedness.
For the first time, I’m not the only one vulnerable.

“Oh, Meri. You’re so beautiful. I’m such a lucky man.” He planted kisses all over her body. Massaging her ample breasts, he grew hard and rubbed himself on her thighs and belly.

She enjoyed the feel of the entirety of a man’s body against hers. His touch was gentle but urgent. This was not just sex; it was love-making.

Amiel made up for in kindness what he lacked in stamina. Nearly the moment he entered her, he climaxed. Even with the condom. The other men made sex last a long, horrible time. She wanted to savor her experience with Amiel and it was over before it began—at least for her.

He apologized in the most flattering way. “You’re too ravishing. I couldn’t help myself. I’ll try to have more self-control next time…There will be a next time,
oui
?”

“Don’t worry,
mon amour
.” Meri stroked his wavy hair, tucking it behind his ears. “I hope there will be many more ‘next times’ to enjoy each other. I feel safe with you. I’ve never felt safe with any other man. Well, any other man
in this way
.”

“Meri, I’ll always protect you and keep you safe. You have stolen my heart.”

Resting quietly in each other’s arms, they both jumped at the sounds of the clocks beneath them reporting the ten o’clock hour.

§

The more time Meri spent with Amiel, the less time she could spare for Siri. Both women regretted the infrequency of their meetings so they began writing letters as a substitute.

Writing and receiving these notes was therapeutic for both women, who came to miss each other’s company and counsel. Meri learned Siri found a
beau
—a Finnish man recently hired at the embassy. She wrote, “He is an accomplished and enthusiastic partner on the dance floor and elsewhere.” Siri also expressed concern for Meri due to the worsening financial picture in Europe. “The Dorvals may not be able to hang onto their wealth. They may not need as many staff. Then what will you do? Even if Amiel marries you, his business isn’t one that’s necessary in an economic crisis. If people are unemployed, watches to make sure they’re on time for work makes no sense.”

Meri’s letters to Siri talked of the future with Amiel or the present with Madame. Regardless of the economy, Madame
was not happy. She was unhappy by nature, so Meri
always
wondered about her job security. Monsieur Dorval continued to act as her protector for reasons she could not explain.

One afternoon, while Meri served coffee and cake to the Dorvals and their house guests, she overheard a disturbing conversation that she did not fully understand. Except for Amiel, Siri was the only person Meri trusted in Paris. And Siri had inside information about political affairs because of her work at the embassy. Meri asked Siri about the conversation she overheard when some of Madame’s family from Germany came to visit. Since Monsieur Dorval was part of the conversation, they spoke French, so she understood what was being said. Antoinette had been right: maids hear everything.

She wrote to Siri the day after.

17 October, 1932

Ma Chère Amie,

I trust you are happy and well. I miss you and our croissants and coffees together. How can we be in the same city yet so far away from each other? Ah, well. I won’t always be a maid.

Siri. I know nothing of the world except the small part of it I clean. But something I heard last week upset me. In part, I’m confused and in part, I’m frightened. Perhaps you know something from your work at the embassy that can help me understand.

Madame invited her family from Germany to stay last week. Imagine! All those Germans and poor Monsieur Dorval (and me)! I had to work late every night because she entertained them for five days straight. When alone, they spoke only their harsh German, but when Monsieur was there, they spoke French (mostly).

That’s when I heard them speak of war as a solution to the economic downfall of Europe and how the “despicable Jews” were at the heart of the financial crisis affecting all the good people. They said that the Jews should be punished. Only Monsieur disagreed. Madame’s brother-in-law said if something wasn’t done about “those evil people” that France’s way of life would be threatened. Madame agreed.

Have you heard anything about wars and Jews? I don’t even know who the Jews are! Are they really the cause of our economic problems? Do Jews have their own country that we will go to war against? I don’t understand.

Amiel and I are still very much in love, but he hasn’t asked me to marry him. He’s an old-fashioned young man, I think. We’ve only known each other for seven months. Maybe he’s waiting for a special time. What do you think?

Ta Chère Amie,

Meri

About ten days later, Meri received this reply.

22 October, 1932

Ma Chère Amie,

All is well with me. I’m dancing every part of myself silly! Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I’m very glad Josef Ticktin was so homely! I’ll never forget how we laughed and laughed on our way home that night. I miss you terribly, Meri.

To address your many questions and concerns about the conversations you heard among the Germans, I wish I knew more. I know you think I’m an important person at the Embassy, but I just type letters and run errands. But I hear things, like you, from time to time.

It’s all very secretive around here, too. War is something that’s been discussed among some of the officials at the Embassy. “War happens when too many people have nothing left to lose.” That’s what I heard. That’s why there’s so much concern about financial stability or instability in Europe and, I suppose, around the world.

As for the Jews, I don’t know, Meri. No one here speaks of them one way or the other. After I got your letter, I asked a few people around here about Jews. They said Jews are people who follow a certain religion called Judaism. It’s different from Christianity but I don’t know how. Some people think that Jews are very good business people and call them “God’s chosen people.” That’s all I know. Why would the Germans think that good business people are the cause of our economic crisis? That doesn’t make sense to me. Neither does rejecting a perfectly wonderful Finnish seamstress work in the Parisian fashion district. Either I’m not very smart or the world is a place full of nonsense!

I hope Amiel proposes to you soon so you don’t have to live with Madame Fussy Bossy! Then we’ll go out and have a proper double date.

Until the next time,

Ta Chère Amie,

Siri

Because Siri made such a disrespectful reference to Madame
and because Meri was never sure if Madame
searched her room, Meri destroyed Siri’s letter. Indeed, Meri destroyed all letters or personal mementos from Amiel. Zara, the other maid, warned her not to keep anything personal. Madame
liked to use personal items against her staff—if not to fire them, at least to taunt them into her preferred style of loyalty: fear.

After the Germans left, Meri heard the Dorvals argue many times about war and the Jews. Meri’s curiosity got the better of her one afternoon when Monsieur happened to be strolling in the garden, taking Soldat for a walk.

“
Pardon
, Monsieur. May I have a word with you?”

“
Oui
, Meri. What do you need?” His face brightened.

“Forgive me for being so bold, but I’ve heard you argue with Madame about frightful issues like a possible war and that Jews are the cause of all our economic troubles. I’m concerned that I might lose my job, and I don’t understand.” She trained her eyes on Soldat’s back while she spoke.

“My dear, please try not to worry about your job. It’s secure as far as I’m concerned. I pay your wages, even though Madame is in charge of the household staff.” He reached over and patted her on the back, leaving his hand resting there a moment before he removed it.

“What about this war?”

“I cannot predict the future. A year ago I would have laughed the Germans out of my house. Today, I am concerned that their man, Hitler, is a real troublemaker. He is the one who blames the Jewish people for all of the problems in Europe and the world. In my opinion he is a maniac and a dangerous one.”

“Why?”

“Because he has the ear of enough of the Germans that he may actually become powerful in their government. If that happens, he will start a war.”

Meri stopped. “
Mon Dieu!
”

“I said ‘if,’ Meri. Now he is spewing his propaganda and has a relatively small following, my wife and her family being among them. That’s what the arguments are about.”

“Do you believe the part about the Jews, Monsieur?”

“Not for a moment, but there are enough people who already do that I wouldn’t want to be a Jew living anywhere in Europe right now.”

“I understand the situation a little better.
Merci
.”

He turned to the house. “Good, no one is looking.” Reaching down, he hugged her and whispered in her ear. “I’ll keep you safe, Meri. I promise. You brighten up the house for me.”

Meri stood paralyzed.
What should I do? Hug him back? Mon Dieu! Why does he like me so much?

Before she had a chance to do or say anything, he broke the embrace and said, “I best get back to the house before I am missed. Very nice chatting with you, Meri.” He abruptly turned and strode back to the residence.

Meri continued walking Soldat, more confused than ever.

§

On November 11, Armistice Day or Remembrance Day, a national day of celebration in France to mark the end of World War I, Meri awoke sweating and with severe nausea. This was the first time she had suffered any sickness in the almost ten years she had been in France. Always a robust child, she took her good health for granted.

Madame’s normal sour disposition worsened at the news of her illness. “At least complete the light cleaning and, for God’s sake, tend to Soldat. Dismissed.”

Meri did as she was told. While walking Soldat, she let her mind wander to the place she forbade it to go in the past several weeks. Her “time of the month” had come and gone, but the bleeding never came.
We use a condom every time
, she told herself.
There must be something else wrong with me
. She worried about having a serious disease. Her midsection felt heavy, and she was tired all of the time
. Consumption? One of those dreadful sexual diseases Tuula told me about?

Meri asked Zara if she knew any doctors. Zara gave her the name of a doctor who saw people of their class. Zara warned her, “Unless you dying wit lot off blood comink out, Madame
don’t let dock-tor come to here. You go to heem. He haff time at night when da work is done for you. He is goot man. He fix you up goot,” she said in her Czechoslovakian accent. She nodded at Meri. Meri nodded back, unwilling and unable to argue.

The doctor had both satisfying and shocking news. Relieved to learn she was not dying, Meri relaxed for a moment. Her brief relaxation ended with the confirmation that she was pregnant.
This is one Remembrance Day I will never forget.

Meri kept the news to herself until the end of November. She did not want to force Amiel into marrying her, something he might think manipulative women do. Would Madame
fire her? Meri guessed she would, but Monsieur might intervene. Could she hang her future on the possibility of his sympathy and his minimal influence over his wife? She had broken all ties with Tuula, the one woman who knew about raising a child as a single woman in Paris. Aborting the child was inconceivable. Returning to Finland was unthinkable.
Damn condoms!

She told Siri first. Meri took a big risk and asked Monsieur Dorval if she could use his telephone. “I’m not feeling well, Monsieur. I simply wish to call my only friend at the Finnish Embassy to ask her to visit me. I promise. I’ll be quick and only use the telephone this one time.” Meri held her hands in front of her belly, still perfectly normal from the outside.

“Of course, Meri. Such a simple request for one who works so hard for us, but…ah…don’t tell the other staff about this. Let’s keep this between you and me. The walls in this house have ears and tongues.” He winked at her.
If he was older, shorter, less refined, and not so handsome, he could be my Papa.
Her heart surged just thinking about her Papa, the man who taught her to love and to live. He was probably dead now.

“
Merci
, Monsieur
.
You’ve always been so kind to me.” Meri blushed, wondering if she would ever outgrow this childish reaction to her insecurities.