Never Surrender (25 page)

* * *

“T
HAT
WAS
SO
wonderful tonight.” Bay sighed, snuggling up against Gabe’s naked body. She decided the only way to desensitize herself, to work through her rape, was to not run from it. Thank God she had the memories of their loving one another before it had happened. That was her compass. Gabe’s arm moved around her shoulder and drew her up against the hard length of his body.

“It was good.” For the first time in his life, Gabe felt genuinely wanted within a family. Her family.

“I’m just sorry your mom couldn’t make it down,” Bay said, placing a small kiss on his warm flesh. Inhaling his scent, she felt her entire body respond to him.

“Grace said she’d fly down for Christmas,” Gabe promised, closing his eyes, feeling a contentment he hadn’t felt in a long time. That sense only happened when Bay was at his side. Love was a powerful drug; and she was the only woman he ever wanted to be addicted to for the rest of his life.

Sighing softly, Bay moved her fingertips through his dark chest hair, allowing it to curl around them. “I love you.”

The words touched him as nothing else ever would. Turning on his side, Gabe stared into her half-closed eyes, her lips soft, her expression one of pleasant tiredness. Caressing her cheek, he leaned over and slid his mouth across hers. A soft moan filled her throat, and she moved her hips against his, feeling his erection. Since coming home, he’d not tried to enter her. She knew why. Gabe was afraid of hurting her. Bay felt frustration thrum through her, wanting him. She could feel Gabe place tight control over himself as he caught her hand as she slid it up across his hip to touch him. Breaking the kiss, she whispered, “I’m not afraid, Gabe.”

He brought her hand to his chest, his eyes intense and narrowed. “You’ve never been afraid, baby. But I am.” Gabe placed his hand over hers. “Maybe I need some time to adjust?”

“Love will never hurt me,” Bay said softly, searching his dark eyes. “My mind and heart know the difference, Gabe.” He needed to trust her, perhaps? She said nothing more, respecting his need to move deliberately. After all, he was a sniper, and by personality, he was a man of infinite patience, waiting for however long it took to meet his objective.

His mouth quirked. “Neither of us knows that yet, Bay. We’re not alike in some ways. You jump into the fire, and I sit and look at it and figure out how to jump into it without getting burned.”

Resting her brow against his, Bay said, “I think we’re doing okay?” He’d easily brought her to orgasm with his hands and his mouth. There was such trust between them, a clear path in that minefield he referred to. And she’d been able to satisfy him the same way, but now, she wanted him in her, like it should be. There was a keening ache deep within her that craved being one with Gabe. Bay luxuriated in the memories, all incredibly sweet and hot. Fused with one another, the fierce love lingering between them made her want to re-create that once more. She saw the hesitation and uncertainty in his eyes.

“I talked to my therapist about us the last session,” she murmured.

“Oh?” The word came out flat, his expression suddenly wary.

“I told her, so far, so good.”

He grunted, lying on his back, throwing his arm across his eyes.

Well, she got his body language. Shaking her head, Bay propped herself up on her elbow, running her fingers across his powerful chest. “She asked me where I was sensitive in my body.”

“Hell, I could have told you that. For free...”

Holding back her laughter, Bay absorbed his growl of frustration. When Gabe didn’t like someone, he didn’t bother to withhold his feelings. “Look at me.”

Grudgingly, Gabe pulled his arm away from his eyes and stared up at her. He saw humor and warmth in Bay’s gaze, her mouth sweetly innocent. “What?”

“You’re such a badass, Griffin, when you want to be.”

He snorted. “I’m a SEAL. What did you expect? Mr. Nice?”

The corners of his mouth twitched, laughter softening the hard glint in his eyes. “You’re my badass. You will always be.” Bay gave him a quick, hot kiss. “And you need to not turn off just because I want to tell you something my therapist shared with me.”

His mouth thinned. “Okay, what did she say?”

Feeling his ire, Bay waited him out until he lost the chip on his shoulder. “In the last session she asked me where I didn’t want to be touched.” She motioned to her neck. “I told her here. I can’t even stand anything tight around my neck anymore. Mock turtlenecks are all I can handle in the clothing department.”

Gabe lost his humor. He vividly remembered those deep, purple bruises around Bay’s throat, the damage done to her larynx that had finally healed up. “Where are we going with this, baby?” He really didn’t want to drag up her beating tonight. It made him angry and wanting to kill Khogani all over again for what she’d endured.

“Patience, okay?”

“You pout beautifully, you know that?” Gabe looked at her full lower lip, wanting to kiss her, but he knew she wanted to talk.

“Don’t get off the topic, Griffin.”

“Guilty, but I can’t help it if you’re a red-hot babe and all I think about is hauling you into my arms.”

She laughed softly. “Thank you, but can we revolve back around to our earlier discussion?”

Gabe placed his hand beneath his head, watching the shadows play softly across her face. “What else did she say?” His heart pounded with love for Bay. She was beguiling, teasing and so damned idealistic and honest.

“Well, I’d think you’d be a little more enthusiastic about what she said.”

One eyebrow rose. “Go on, you have my full, undivided attention.”

She grinned. “You’re infuriating at times.”

“And you love me anyway, don’t you, baby?”

Sighing, Bay whispered, “Yes, with my life.”

Holding her glistening gaze, Gabe sobered and reached out and caressed her cheek. “I’m really listening.”

Bay curled herself against his left side, resting her head on his chest, his heart beneath her ear. He shifted, his arms going around her, gently stroking her shoulder. The tingles felt warm and comforting to her. “She thought we should continue to explore one another when it felt right. I told her I was ready for intercourse. I’m healed up, and I’m fine.”

“And so she gave you permission to do so?”

She laughed against his hairy chest. “God, Griffin, sarcasm drips from your lips.”

He sighed in frustration. “I don’t need that therapist to tell me anything about you and me, baby.”

“I understand why you don’t like her, but she’s really nice, Gabe. She learned a lesson out of this, and she’s trying to change, also.”

“I’m happy for her.”

Rolling her eyes, Bay pressed a kiss to his chest. “I learned my lesson, too. I’ve learned to listen to you first, not her.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Gabe growled darkly, moving his fingers through her silky hair, pulling some tendrils away from her cheek so he could absorb her beautiful, peaceful-looking features.

Bay said, “She suggested I listen to you, to go at the pace that’s comfortable for you. She felt you had a better pulse on our situation than she did.” Bay lifted her head, smiling into his glinting eyes. “Now, do you like her a little bit more?”

Gabe smiled and lightly touched her nose. “Finally, she’s getting some sense. I should send her
my
bill.”

Pouting, Bay murmured in exasperation, “You’re such a pain, Griffin.”

He slipped his arm around her hip and back, drawing her tightly against him. “You’re going to be marrying a SEAL, baby. We’re all badasses.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

B
AY
’
S
LAUGHTER
MADE
Gabe love her even more fiercely, if that was possible. They’d just finished a snowball fight in the yard after going and feeding Poppy’s milk cow and chickens in the barn. The late morning December sky was a turbulent gray, and snowflakes twirled lazily across the mountain, the silence deep and muffled.

Gabe grabbed Bay as she tried to run from him after plastering him with a direct hit to his chest. Her shriek of delight echoed around the barnyard as she slipped in the two feet of snow.

The dancing light in her eyes grew as Gabe caught her. He pulled her to him as they fell. He protected her by taking the brunt of the fall. Her hair was damp on the ends, soaking up the snow melt as she flopped down upon him, and they hit the white stuff. Bay laughed, her breath coming out in white jets because it was below freezing.

“I surrender, I surrender,” Bay pleaded, holding up her hand as he settled her across his body.

Gabe absorbed her joy, her cheeks flushed a deep pink, the tip of her nose red, her laughter sweet honey pouring through his heart. She wore a dark blue jacket, red yarn muffler her mother had knitted for her, red mittens and red cap.

Gabe relaxed into the snow, absorbing Bay’s tall, firm body against his. He smiled up at her, amazed at what two weeks had done for her. Bay was relaxing more every day, more like her old self. It was only two more weeks until Christmas and he knew Bay loved this holiday more than any other. She had worked daily with her mother and sister, decorating, baking cookies, singing carols at the top of their lungs, and they had made Gabe feel a part of this spontaneous, happy family.

Gabe rolled Bay on to her side, her face close to his, her breath uneven, the corners of her mouth pulled into a devilish grin. “I accept your surrender,” he growled, leaning down, capturing her mouth beneath his.

Bay sighed and drowned as his lips took hers, his arms hauling her tightly against him. There were too many winter clothes between them. She broke their kiss, laughing and tugging at his jacket. “Come on, let’s finish this inside?”

He lost some of his happiness, knowing what was coming. Bay wanted
him
. She’d been stalking him, teasing him and trying to get him to stop worrying about what might happen. There were times when he’d have a flashback of sitting on the deck of the medevac, Bay lying unconscious on the litter, the medics working frantically over her broken, bloody body.
That
was what stopped him. Gabe couldn’t get it out of his mind as he stared uncomprehendingly at the dark red blood staining her trousers between her thighs. Yes, he was scared. For Bay. For them. What if things went wrong?

When Gabe held her sapphire gaze, he melted. How could he keep saying no to Bay? His body wanted her. His heart pined for her. Hell, he’d never been in such agony for so damn long without a release. It wasn’t Bay’s fault, and Gabe kept his needs to himself, not wanting her to feel guilty because he knew she would.
Damn the rape. Damn that son of a bitch, Khogani.
He had dreams of finding the bastard and killing him slowly, making him suffer like Bay had suffered. He’d always jerked awake after one of those revenge dreams, rage tunneling through him, his fist clenched, drenched in sweat.

Only Bay sleeping at his side, her breath even and shallow, would bring Gabe down from that visceral dream. She reminded him of the kindness and sweetness of life. All Gabe knew was killing, and he was very good at it. He was dark. Bay was light. And, hell, he wanted to remove the darkness Khogani had imprisoned her within more than anything else in his life.

“Okay,” he murmured.

“Really?” Bay breathed, not quite believing him.

Easing her off him, he got to his feet and held out his hand to her. “Really. Come on.” Gabe gripped her damp, mittened hand. He couldn’t stand in her way any longer. Bay felt she was ready. He’d never be ready, but this wasn’t about him. Gabe loved her, and he wanted to make her happy. The dazzling smile Bay gave him burned through him like sunlight touching those dark, wounded places inside himself.

“Oh!” she cried, throwing her arms around his shoulders. “Thank you!”

Gabe grinned, tugging her beneath his arm, hauling her close as they walked like two awkward penguins through the knee-deep snow. “I can never tell you no,” he growled, catching her radiant gaze.
God, her mouth.
Gabe could stare at it forever. He knew her lips, hungered for them against his and wanted to feel Bay breathe her life into him.

She infused his shadowed soul with shining light, lifting him, making him feel good about himself and her. Gabe looked forward to the dreams they’d talk about every night before they went to sleep. Bay was a veritable idea person with so many visions, desires, and he absorbed her excitement and idealism like a greedy, undeserving thief. She was a catalyst, a person who changed lives. And she was changing his, for the better.

“Hurry!” Bay called, shimmying out of her heavy parka, hat, mittens and muffler. She threw them on the couch, laughing as she hopped around on one foot to quickly get out of the first boot and then the other one.

Gabe sat on the sofa, ruefully shaking his head. She had the capacity to be pure child, and God help him, he loved Bay for it. He was always the adult. Gabe didn’t know how to be like her, throwing caution to the wind, being spontaneous and living fully in the moment. Judging from how swiftly Bay was pulling her red long-sleeved flannel shirt off and then wriggling out of her damp, wet jeans, she was on a mission.

He’d barely gotten out of his boots and jacket before she was slimmed down to a pink camisole and feminine-looking pink silk boxer shorts. Instantly, as he stood, Gabe felt himself turn hard with longing. She was continuing to gain back so much of her lost weight, her slender legs tempting him.

“Last person to the bedroom is a rotten egg,” Bay called, running down the hall.

Shaking his head, Gabe grinned and pulled off his green flannel shirt and dropped it on the couch. “No fair,” he shouted. Her laughter pealed out of their bedroom. Gabe removed his jeans and dropped them on the couch beside his shirt. Wanting to love her so badly warred with his carefully closeted terror that something could go wrong. Dragging in a deep breath, he padded nearly naked down the hall, turning into their bedroom.

Bay smiled as he entered. Gabe had stripped down to his boxer shorts, a magnificent specimen of a man. She knelt on the bed, giving him a sultry smile. “You are so good-looking, it’s a sin,” she teased, rising up into his arms as he settled down on the bed beside her. Sliding her hands around Gabe’s powerful shoulders, she luxuriated in the feel of his chest hair against her sensitive breasts beneath the camisole.

“You’re such a wench,” he rasped, smiling down into her glistening eyes, feeling his heart burst open.

“But,” Bay whispered against his mouth, “I’m no tease....” She licked his lower lip, instantly feeling his arms tighten around her, drawing her hard against him as they fell onto the bed together. She laughed breathlessly as Gabe settled her next to him, his hand sliding down her hip, following the long curve of her thigh. Her flesh prickled with tiny flames. Every cell in her body vibrated, wanting his hands moving lovingly across her body.

“No,” Gabe rasped against her smiling mouth, “you always deliver, baby.”

A burst of bubbling laughter rose in her throat as his mouth skimmed her cheek and nose, his hand moving teasingly across the silk, following the curve of her breast. “Oh,” Bay sighed beneath his mouth, “and so do you...” She felt the power of Gabe’s mouth beguiling her lips, drowning in his masculine tenderness that made her go hot and achy with longing.

How could Gabe ever not love her the way she wanted? He trailed his kisses across her shoulder, avoiding her neck. As she turned into him, her breasts pressing insistently against his chest, she felt assertive. She wanted to make it clear she wanted him. Bay slid her fingers into the waistband of his boxers, and he growled in warning, capturing her hand. She pouted, not wanting to be halted in her exploration of him.

Gabe gave her a feral look and then rose and threw his leg over her midsection, sliding his hands up her arms, pulling them up above her head.

Bay gave a startled cry. She froze, suddenly transported back to the cave, Khogani sitting on her midsection, his men grabbing her arms, pinning her down.

Gabe’s heart wrenched, feeling her entire body freeze beneath him.
Oh, hell!
Instantly, he got off her, releasing her wrists.

“Baby?” Gabe hesitantly touched her shoulder, her breath coming out in small cries and gasps. Her eyes tormented him. Bay wasn’t seeing him. She was seeing the past, a glaze over them. Gently, he touched her pale cheek. “It’s all right, Bay. It’s all right. Come back, baby. Come back to me.” Anxiety swept through him as she trembled violently, her body almost convulsing, caught in the past. Trapped. What should he do?

Gabe framed her face, pulling her gaze toward his, forcing her to try and see him. “Bay, it’s Gabe. Listen to me,” he pleaded, panic ripping through him. Bay heard Gabe’s voice calling her. Calling her back. His low, thick voice sounded so far away. She felt Khogani straddle her, his weight heavy against her belly. He smelled sour, and it repulsed her, his black eyes digging into hers, his mouth drawing into what looked like the snarl of a wolf ready to bite her. And then, she felt his large, dirty hand slide up her chest, his strong fingers slowly sinking into the soft tissue of her throat. She was going to die!

Her breathing became explosive as she tried to escape, bucking against him, trying to throw him off her. The hands of the soldiers gripped her wrists, pain shooting up into her arms, holding her still so she couldn’t fight back. Whimpering, Bay shut her eyes, not wanting to see it anymore. It was then she felt herself leaving her body. Black dots danced in back of her eyelids as she felt his hand tightening around her throat, shutting off her air.

Gabe’s urgent voice shattered her terror. Slowly, Bay fought to listen to it and pull herself out of the clutches of the flashback that held her prisoner. She felt herself being lifted, tucked against Gabe’s strong, warm body, felt his arms going around her, holding her, not hurting her. It took forever to escape the terror of her rape. The slow rocking motion soothed her fractious, anxious state.

Bay was hyperventilating, gasping for breath, her hands pressed frantically against her aching throat. And then, she heard Gabe’s trembling, coaxing voice against her ear. She felt safe. The power of the flashback left her reeling. Slowly, Bay opened her eyes, finding herself lying across Gabe’s lap, leaning against him, her head tucked beneath his chin. He was holding her, rocking her, whispering brokenly that she was safe, that she was with him, not back there.

Little by little, she warmed up. Though her mind was still caught up in the horror from her past, Bay forced herself to relax. Her throat felt tight, as if it had been gripped for real, but she knew it was her body’s reaction, her memory of nearly being choked to death. “I—I’m okay, Gabe....” Her words came out raspy and strained.

He pressed his hand against her hair, gently letting her know he’d heard her hoarse words. “What do you need, baby?” he asked, his voice unsteady.

She sighed and nuzzled against his jaw. “You. Just you...”

It hasn’t been enough.
The words almost came out of his mouth, but Gabe remained silent. “Water, maybe?”

Bay slowly shook her head, sliding her one arm around his torso. “No...not right now. I just need you.... Don’t leave me....”

His mouth quirked, and he tipped his head back against the headboard. “You’ve got me. I’m going nowhere.” And Gabe didn’t care if he had to hold Bay the rest of the night and into eternity, he’d do it. He could feel how fragile she’d become. Grief welled up through him. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry for doing this to you.” His mouth thinned, and he held back his twisting, writhing emotions.

A sigh trembled from her lips. “You didn’t do anything, Gabe. You didn’t do this to me.” Bay ached for him, hearing the strain in his low, tortured voice. “This wasn’t your fault. It’s mine.”

“No way,” Gabe said, anger flaring in his tone. He held her a little tighter, agony scoring his heart. “This wasn’t your fault. None of it was.”

Bay’s therapist had warned her flashbacks could hit her out of the blue. She had no idea how powerful they could be. And here she was, worried about Gabe, how much she obviously hurt him. Bay felt his tension, heard it in his tight, controlled voice. Lifting her head, she pulled away just enough to stare into his dark, anguished-looking eyes. Lifting her hand, she tenderly touched his cheek. It was damp with spent tears.

“I’m so sorry,” Bay whispered unsteadily, tears crowding into her eyes. She knew how much Gabe hated tears. “So sorry...” Bay struggled to smile, to try and show him she was going to be all right. How badly Bay wanted to hold Gabe, to comfort him instead. He had no one to hold him on a bad day. His look scored her as nothing else ever would. It was a resigned expression, and Gabe realized he couldn’t fix what was broken within her.

“Listen to me, Bay.” Gabe caressed her hair and then cupped her chin, forcing her to hold his gaze. “We’re going to work through this together. You and I.” His voice grew deep with conviction. “Rape will not define you, baby. And it’s not going to define me, either. We love one another, and that’s what’s going to support us.” He gave her a tender look, grazing her cheek.

“You’re not going to apologize for anything. This was done to you, Bay. It was beyond your control. But now, you have the control back. We’ll talk, we’ll figure out what happened to trigger this flashback, and we’ll create a work-around.” His hand grew firm on her cheek as her warm tears slid silently beneath his fingers. “Does that sound like a plan to you?” Gabe asked, his voice choked with emotion.

Bay barely nodded, resting against his large, opened palm. The calluses told Bay of his hard work ethic, that Gabe was a consummate warrior who was used to fighting back and defending others. Whether he knew it or not, he was infusing her with hope, erasing the helplessness she felt during the flashback. Gabe was fighting for both of them. And right now, that’s what she needed, a warrior at her side to help her through her toxic experience and not allow it to continue to stain her present or future life.