Never Say Never (Lakeview Contemporary Romance Book 3) (36 page)

For a long moment, Olivia was silent. “Let me talk to Peter about it,” she said.

And that was it. Decision made. Robin tried not to think too much about it after that, although inside her heart ached. She made herself imagine that it was Peter and Olivia’s baby then, that it wasn’t and would never be hers. And by rights it
should
be their baby. Robin had no claims on Peter, or on their relationship, she knew that. She had made a stupid mistake but at least this could be a way of making up for it somewhat.

So, by the time the baby was born slightly prematurely, Robin had almost convinced herself that she didn’t feel anything for the tiny little thing in the incubator, baby Jake Gallagher. Olivia had picked the name, at Robin’s insistence.

When a few days later, Robin returned from the maternity hospital – lonely and bereft after giving up her special baby – and found that the financial controller’s job she’d applied for in the States was hers and that the company would sponsor her visa, she resolved to move on, to try and forget what she had done, and get on with her life. She’d be better off away from Ireland, she thought sorrowfully, away from everyone and everything – away from all the trouble she’d caused.

And Olivia, Peter and little Jake would be much better off without her.

T
he following morning
, Robin gave another interview about her children’s books on breakfast television.

The bubbly blonde presenter was doing her best to relax her, but Robin just couldn’t feel relaxed. The last few days had been torturous, and she just didn’t feel like spending all this time gabbing on and promoting her stupid book. It all seemed so shallow and inconsequential, considering.

There hadn’t been a single day in her life since giving him up that she hadn’t thought of Jake, but especially after meeting Olivia the other night, Robin could think of little else, and the pain and guilt was all-consuming. Now, she just wanted to go home, home to New York, home to Ben and away from all the hurt and regret that being in Ireland had caused.

The presenter asked her another question. “The publishers believe that these stories won’t just entertain, but will really help the children and the parents of allergy sufferers,” she asked. “Do you feel that your own experiences as a nut-allergy sufferer helped you understand better than most the problems associated with these conditions?”

Robin sat forward, deciding she’d better just get it over and done with. “Yes, and it can be tough as an adult living with the condition, but at least I’m old enough to be able to take responsibility for myself.” She paused. “I do know it’s a lot harder for parents. The reason the book came about in the first place was because I saw how hard my partner’s sister found it with her little girl, who suffers from asthma and hayfever. In a city like New York, especially in the summertime, it’s very difficult. And of course, she’s now school-going age, so it’s even more worrying for her mother.”

“I can imagine,” the presenter nodded sympathetically. “So the book did have an effect on your partner’s niece?”

“Yes, it did, but I think it had even more of an effect on her mother – but you have to remember this was all unintentional. I have no idea what it’s like to look after a child with a medical condition, I don’t know how it must feel to live permanently in a state of potential emergency.” She stopped then, her heart thudding against her chest as she realised what she had just admitted. She did have no idea, no idea at all of what Sarah really had to go through. Or Olivia.

“Yes, it’s not something most of us experience, thank goodness. So, your sister-in-law brought the book to the attention of the publishers?” The presenter glanced almost imperceptibly at Robin’s left hand.

“No –” Robin went on to explain how she and Ben had provided their own crude booklets for the school and that one of the parents worked on the production team for Bubblegum Press.

“And then Nickelodeon got in on the act with their big money deal. It’s such an amazing story,” the presenter was shaking her head in awe. “And you never wanted to be a writer before then?”

“Not really. To be honest, I feel a little guilty about that. I’m sure there are thousands of people out there who could have done a better job on these books than I did.”

“Yes, but you’re the one who had the experience. You know how to put the message across.”

“Perhaps,” Robin shrugged self-consciously.

“So, as a result of your series, hundreds, if not thousands of parents around the world should be helped by giving their children a copy of your book. Congratulations, Robin. I’m sure every parent watching who has a child suffering from such a condition will be very grateful to you.” The presenter smiled then, as if to wrap up the slot, but Robin shook her head.

“I don’t know about that,” she continued, her voice softer and less assured. “I had a friend, a good friend, who sacrificed a lot to look after a nut-allergic child like me. It didn’t just affect her life, it affected her marriage.”

“Oh, so more experiences to draw from then.” The presenter tried to keep the tone light.

“But I’m sure it’s difficult.”

“The thing is,” Robin went on, the reunion with Olivia, the visit to the graveyard, all of it, really hitting her then, “I never really understood how much it had affected her. To be honest, I didn’t want to understand. I was too busy getting on with my own life.”

And that was true, she admitted. She had been so intent on getting over her own pain, her own loss, that she hadn’t really thought about Olivia and what she must have gone through. Jake wouldn’t have been easy to raise, and the fact that he was a constant reminder of what Peter and Robin had done would have been doubly hard for her friend. All of a sudden Robin realised that she had been even more selfish that she’d imagined.

She looked away and her eyes shone with tears. “That’s why I feel there should be more help given to the parents of children with allergies, diabetes, etc. People seem to think that keeping children away from the food in question is the answer. But it isn’t. The way of life has to change and the pressure is enormous. I didn’t really understand that.”

Yet she didn’t want to understand it, she thought. She was too wrapped up in her own problems, in her own regrets.

“I see, well, thanks –” Again the presenter tried to wrap things up.

“But she’s the most kind-hearted, unselfish person I’ve ever known, and I know she did her very best for the child.”

“Did?”

Robin’s head snapped up then, almost as if remembering where she was. “Yes,” she said sadly. “My friend’s son died from his allergy.” Robin’s eyes sparkled under the bright studio lights, and just then the presenter realised that this bit wasn’t on the press release.

“Oh, dear – I didn’t know it could get that serious …” Her gaze flickered fearfully to the production crew. Now she was concerned, not just for Robin, but for the fact that this slot was running
way
over time

But at this stage Robin was in full flow, as everything seemed to overwhelm her all at once, her grief for Jake, for Peter and for the friendship that she had lost. “Yes, but I think – I mean, I
know
my friend always blamed herself for that, and she shouldn’t have. She was a fantastic mother and she did her best, more than her best for him. It was a tragedy, but one that was always possible until he learned to look after himself. But in the meantime, there was no one better than Ol – than my friend – to take care of him. She did that to the best of her ability – no one could have done any better.”

And that was true too. Despite the fact that Jake was lost to both of them, Robin knew deep down that Olivia had done her best for him, something that she herself could never claim.

“But you wish you could have helped more?” the presenter prompted.

She paused, unsure how to word this. “Yes, I should have helped, and I hope she can forgive me for that.”

The presenter nodded again. “I’m sure your friend is thrilled you decided to write a book about it.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Robin answered sadly, and a little too cryptically for the presenter’s liking.

“Robin, thank you very much for sharing that with us, and thank you for coming on the show,” she interjected while she had the chance. “Robin’s first book is called
Atchoo the Allergic Alligator
and will be in shops in November, just in time for Christmas!” She turned to Robin. “Best of luck with it all.”

“Thank you,” Robin nodded uncomfortably.

With a winning smile, the reporter turned to face the camera. “Right, now we’ll go over to the newsroom for an update and next up, our vet spot where we’ll explain how
you
can best communicate with
your
pet!”

T
he telephone rang
, and Leah put down her coffee mug and muted the TV.

“Did you see that?” Kate asked snidely. “Who does she think she is?”

Leah groaned. “Oh, leave it out, Kate, will you?” she said, sick to the teeth of Kate’s constant sniping and bad humour. “She was just answering the woman’s questions.”

“What would she know about it? ‘There should be more support’ indeed. She wasn’t exactly that supportive of poor Olivia when her child
died,
was she? No, she was too busy living it up in New York.”

Leah shook her head “Kate, I’m sorry – you’re my friend and I love you, but lately you’ve turned into an almighty pain in the arse.”

Silence at the other end.

“Look, Kate, what’s with all the Robin-bashing? You weren’t close to Olivia back then either. What’s it got to do with you?”

To her amazement, her friend began to cry. “I don’t know!” she wailed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’m angry at Michael, at Dylan, at Robin, at everything! I’m sorry for not going out for your birthday – I know you probably hate me now but I’m sorry.”

“Oh, you silly goose,” Leah couldn’t help but smile. “I know you’ll make it up to me.”

Kate sniffed again. “I want you to be Dylan’s godmother. Now it’s OK if you say no, because I know it might be hard and – ”

“I’d love to.” Leah was touched.

“Would you?”

“Yes, it would be an honour.”

“Thanks.” Another sniff. “I didn’t know if you would want to after me being such a cow about Josh. But you know it’s only because I care about you,” she said mournfully.

“Kate, listen to yourself – you sound like a right moan.”

“I do, don’t I?” Kate answered, as if just realising it then.

“Yes, you do!” Leah said, amused. She supposed she’d been unfair to her really, giving out about her not making an effort any more. It was pretty obvious that the root of Kate’s suffering was baby blues.

And Leah had just the cure for that. “Look, I have to go into the shop this morning, but I’ll pop over later for lunch and a natter, OK?”

“OK,” Kate sniffled again, and Leah grinned.

“And then afterwards, you get Dylan organised, and we’ll go to the hospital and visit Amanda and the new arrival. Apparently, the slice and dice never happened,” she added wickedly.

Almost instantly, the sniffling stopped. “What? She went through with the whole thing – properly?”

“Yep. Apparently her timing must have been all wrong, ‘cos when she went in, she was too far gone for a Caesarean. Her waters had broken and the baby was coming.
And
, listen to this, Andrew said she was
also
too far gone to get the epidural.” Poor Amanda, Leah thought.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t miss this!” She was sounding much more like the old Kate. “Don’t you
dare
go to the hospital without me – I want to hear every detail.”

“Now, are you sure you’re feeling up to it?”

“Never better, now that I know little Miss Perfect had to go through what I went through.”

With a slight grin at the thought of their visit, Leah replaced the receiver, and began to get ready for work.

It was weird, she thought a while later, driving towards the shop, but today she was feeling really fantastic. It was as though finally coming to terms with the fact that she and Josh weren’t getting back together had been an epiphany for her. Although then again, she thought with a smile, it could be that lovely feeling you get the day immediately after an almighty hangover. Nevertheless, it was onwards and upwards from now on, she decided. No more feeling sorry for herself about Josh and her lack of a relationship. No more feeling cheated just because her best friend didn’t have as much time for her any more. Today was the first day of the rest of her life and all that.

Beeeep! Beeeep!

Leah slammed on the brakes as a huge Mercedes headed towards her from the right and she realised that she didn’t actually
have
the right of way on the roundabout.
Eeek!
The rest of her life mightn’t last all that long if she carried on driving like this, she thought, smiling her apology at the retreating motorist.

Well, to mark her newfound freedom, Leah decided there and then that she was going to learn to drive. Properly. For the first time in her life, she was going to take some lessons. Then she might at least have a hope of passing the blasted test.

And, she thought, turning onto Blackrock’s main street, and glancing adoringly at the Elysium shop-front, she was going to enjoy being proprietor of the best chocolate boutique in Dublin.

“
R
obin
? Hi, it’s Olivia.”

“Olivia?” Sitting in her hotel room, Robin was lost for words. What did she want? Did she want to have a go at her? Was Olivia mad, annoyed, upset – what?

“I’ll be in Dublin today and I was wondering, if you don’t have anything else on, do you fancy meeting for a coffee later?” Olivia asked pleasantly. “We didn’t really get a chance to talk the other night.”

Inwardly Robin was petrified. “I don’t have anything else until tomorrow, and I’d love to,” she said, before she could change her mind.

“Great, would around two o’clock suit? I’ll meet you at your hotel if you like – it’s the Westin, I think Leah said?”

“It is and, yes, that would be fine.”

“OK, see you then.”

And Olivia rang off, leaving Robin feeling shocked and bewildered, not just at the call but at the possible reason behind it.

At two on the dot, Olivia was standing at reception. “How are you?” she said with a smile. “I saw your interview this morning. I thought it was very interesting.”

“You did?” For some reason, Robin hadn’t considered that Olivia might be watching. She was so used to all the different networks back home in the States that she thought it would be a blink-and-miss performance. But then of course, Ireland had only a few homegrown TV stations, and apparently only one did breakfast TV, so there was
every
chance Olivia would be watching. Oh no – did she say too much? Robin knew she shouldn’t have gone on like that, it was stupid really, but once she started talking about it she just couldn’t stop and –

“So where would you like to go?” Olivia asked.

“Well, we could go up to Grafton Street if you like,” Robin answered hesitantly. “But there is a beautiful tea-room here. It has a glass roof and it’s very relaxing.”

“Why not? I’m sure it’ll be better than fighting for a table in one of those postage-stamp places, anyway,” she said, and Robin realised that this time the warmth wasn’t forced. Something had changed about Olivia since Saturday, Robin was sure of it.

But when they were seated in the hotel’s Atrium Lounge, and she found out what, Robin nearly spat out her tea.

“He did
what?”
she all but shrieked, forgetting that with the tall ceiling and the glass surroundings, every loud word uttered was echoed right back through the room.

Olivia had just told her about Peter’s visit. Later, after she had spoken to Matt, she had met with Peter locally, and he had explained that he wanted to arrange their divorce.

“And how do you feel about that?” Robin asked, feeling a little surreal talking to her so easily like this, as though all those years had never happened.

“Not so good, but there’s something else,” she said, leaning forward. “You know I always blamed myself for …” she paused slightly, “well, for not looking after Jake properly, for not being there when he died.”

“I’ve always thought you were crazy for thinking that,” Robin said. “And when Leah told me how you felt about it, so many times I wanted to pick up the phone and tell you never to feel that way, that it was pointless. But I wasn’t sure if it was my place to say anything. I didn’t know if you’d want to hear something like that from me.” Not to mention that it had taken Robin a very long time to come to terms with the tragedy herself.

Olivia sighed. “I always wondered if maybe you blamed me a little bit too, if you thought that maybe I didn’t make enough of an effort with him. Peter used to accuse me of being resentful, but, Robin, that was never the case. I did do my best for him. I know it wasn’t enough but – ”

“Olivia, I never once thought that,” Robin reassured her, although inwardly her heart ached. “I knew you’d look after him. There was nobody better.”

“Peter didn’t think so though,” Olivia said. “He was so angry and so accusing.” Her hands shook as she spooned sugar into the tea. “For some reason, I always believed that he’d forgive me, that he’d come to terms with it all and that, when he did, he’d come back to me and Ellie and we’d be a family again.” She shook her head. “I know it was stupid, but I’d forgiven him so much, we’d been through so much – sorry,” she broke off then, remembering.

But Robin understood perfectly. Olivia
had
forgiven Peter a lot, too much maybe.

“I thought it was only a matter of time, a couple of weeks maybe. Still when the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years … well, you know how it is. Eventually I began to let go, to try and move on with my life. We moved to Lakeview to be nearer my parents and Ellie seemed happy enough anyway getting birthday cards and the odd phone call every now and again. I also suspected he might have had somebody else at that stage, so I suppose I had no choice but to try and let go.”

“And then of course, you met Matt.”

“Yes,” Olivia smiled. “Then I met Matt and I realised just what I’d been missing. Strangely, I began to notice all the things that were lacking in Peter. Matt’s a great father and he’s really good with Ellie. He’s gentle, considerate and when I’m with him it’s only me, you know? He isn’t checking out the blonde at the bar or the brunette with the nice legs like Peter used to. It’s just me.”

“I know exactly what you mean. In a way, that’s what attracted me to Ben. Peter was always so unpredictable whereas Ben is simple, uncomplicated, straightforward. From day one, I knew where I stood.”

“But – does he know? About Jake?” Olivia asked hesitantly.

Robin flushed. “No. I haven’t told him. It hasn’t been necessary … up to now. But, he’s loving and supportive and I hope he’ll understand … when I do. He’s not selfish like Peter was. Sorry, I know you probably don’t need to hear that.”

“That’s no problem. Anyway, I know well that Peter has hidden depths and not just emotionally,” Olivia said scathingly. “He’s divorcing me because he and his Australian ‘friend’ Joanna plan on getting married ‘after five years together’. He told me this the other night and it was definitely a little slip of the tongue on his part.”

Robin looked at her, suspecting that Olivia was waiting for a reaction. “I don’t get it,” she said.

“Robin, he’s been seeing this woman for
five
years. They worked together at the hospital here in Dublin – I think she was a nurse or something, and they were obviously seeing one another around the time Jake died. Yesterday Peter finally admitted that, yes, he had been cheating on me.” She paused for breath, before continuing. “And on the day Jake died, Peter wasn’t working late, Robin. He wasn’t working at all. He was away somewhere screwing this Joanna.”

Robin almost dropped her cup into her lap. “
What?”

“That’s why he was so angry, so upset back then. He went crazy, crazy over the fact that I hadn’t been there. In a way, I could understand his rage. But the problem was, it wasn’t me at all he was angry with – it was himself. He realised what he’d done, and what the consequences were. Of course, he couldn’t admit to it back then, so after a while the easiest thing to do was to take off to Australia with her and pretend that he’d left because he couldn’t face me, because he blamed me. But thinking back on it now, all the signs were there. He was stressed, always tired, and a little distant, but stupidly, I just assumed he was working too hard.” She smiled tightly. “I remember being quite worried about him actually, worried that all the late nights and stress at work were affecting his health. That day, the day I was – late home, I’d been on at Peter to get himself seen to. Little did I know that he’d take me at my word,” she finished sardonically.

Robin couldn’t comprehend how she felt upon hearing this. How selfish could a man be? How could he let them all think that Olivia had been the one at fault? Hadn’t he put her through enough?

Olivia smiled sadly. “In a strange way, it’s a relief to find that out now – it’s a weight off my mind if you like. Now I know that it wasn’t just my fault.”

“But yet he let you think that.”

“It was Peter’s way of getting out of a difficult situation, Robin. Our marriage was under pressure with Jake, there’s no point in our pretending otherwise, and I’m not saying that to get at you, I’m simply stating a fact.”

Robin cringed with guilt, even though she knew Olivia genuinely wasn’t trying to get at her. But there was no denying that what she’d done had damaged Peter and Olivia’s relationship – for good. Despite the fact that she’d been so sure that giving up the baby was the best thing to do for them, the best way to repair the wrong and let them all get on with their lives. Now, Robin ached with regret to think that her decision might well have been the wrong one.

“I knew he was unhappy, but yet I loved him desperately, so I thought that if we had a child of our own it would be different,” Olivia went on. “Yet, I think I knew in the back of my mind that we weren’t going to make it.” She gave a watery smile. “Then, when Jake died, I knew it was all over. I had no choice but to accept the blame for his death and for the fact that Peter was leaving me. What else could I have done?”

“But you were pregnant and grieving, and I just can’t believe he let you think that for so long. How dare he?”

Olivia shook her head. “Robin, you and I both know that Peter isn’t exactly the upstanding guy he pretends to be.”

Robin nodded, realising that Peter had betrayed them both, not just after university, but many times since and in many different ways.

“And then, immediately after the funeral, he told me he needed some time alone to get over it all. I never saw him again – until yesterday. ”

Robin gulped slightly at the mention of the funeral. “I couldn’t go,” she whispered softly, her voice frail. “I toyed with it for a long time, but in the end, I thought it better that I didn’t go. It wasn’t my place to.”

Olivia laid a gentle hand on hers. “You would have been welcome to come, but I understood. I knew it would be difficult for you.”

Robin almost couldn’t grasp her friend’s depth of feeling, her wonderful strength. Even then, at the height of her own grief, Olivia was still able to make allowances for her.

“I’d always thought you’d hate me for it.”

“Look, of course it would be difficult for you, having to pretend concern for me and trying to hide your own feelings. And again, I also worried that you might blame me. After all, you trusted me to look after him, and look what happened.”

Robin looked at her friend then, and hoped Olivia truly understood what she was trying to say. “Olivia, all I’ve ever done is admire you, and I’ll be forever grateful for what you did for me back then. I’m just so sorry that I didn’t return the favour, that I wasn’t there for you when you were struggling to bring him up.”

Olivia smiled, and her eyes twinkled. “I know, I found that out this morning – on TV of all places.”

Robin grimaced, remembering. “The poor woman must have felt like a priest in the confession box. She didn’t know where to look.” And in a way, it was almost like a confession, a release of all the confusion, guilt and regret that Robin had been feeling all these years. The longer she stayed away, she’d thought, the easier it would be. But she’d been wrong. There was so much she hadn’t understood, so much she hadn’t
wanted
to understand about Olivia’s situation. She’d been too consumed with her own grief.

But here now sitting with her friend, Robin felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“Well, I’m glad you said something.” Olivia paused slightly, as if she was unsure whether or not she should continue. “Robin, I can appreciate how tough it must have been giving him up, but at the same time I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t want to ask about him.”

Robin knew exactly what she meant. She wanted to know why Robin didn’t seem interested in knowing about Jake and what he was like as a child, what her son, her baby was like. Olivia had never asked that Robin stay out of his life; in fact, she had been insistent that moving to America so soon after the birth was the wrong thing to do. She had been willing to share with Robin not only Jake, but also the heavy burden of coming to terms with giving him up. She was and had always been a true friend, yet Robin – and to her own detriment she knew now – had willingly abandoned that friendship.

“I did want to,” she whispered softly. “In fact, all throughout this visit, I was desperate to ask you. But yet, I couldn’t forget that it would be difficult for you, and you and I had grown apart and there never seemed to be a right time or place.” She looked at her. “The other night, after dropping Leah home, I was sorely tempted to ask you to stay on too.”

Olivia smiled. “Well, with the way Leah was that night, we might not have got a word in edgeways,” she said, lightening the tone.

“How is she about the Josh thing – really?” Robin asked. “I tried to talk to her about it the next morning, but she was very hung-over.”

“I think she’ll be OK. You know Leah as well as I do – she’s tough and she’ll get through it. And it might be good for her in the end. It wasn’t fair of him to deny her the right to a family like that.”

Although it wasn’t directed at her, the remark stung. Robin had been guilty of doing just that where Ben was concerned. She knew he was desperate to settle down and start a family and, yet, she was denying him that because of her own reticence about bringing up a child that needed more care and attention than normal, because of her guilt at abandoning one years before.

But that was it, wasn’t it? It just needed that little bit more attention, something that she was sure Ben would give effortlessly. He would be a wonderful father. Still, the root of Robin’s problems was that she didn’t know what kind of a mother
she’d
be. She’d already given up a baby – who was to say she even deserved the chance to have another?

“And what about you?” Olivia asked then. “You’ve been with this Ben a while now, haven’t you?”

“Yes.” Robin smiled once more at the thought of it. “He’s great. I’m very lucky to have him – more than I realised.”

“I’m pleased for you, Robin,” Olivia said. “You didn’t deserve to get mixed up with someone like Peter – neither of us did to be honest.”