Never Say Never (22 page)

“Steph...go away,” I say pushing her hand down and walking away.

“I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with her. She looks pretty cozy with Matt,” she yells out.

I push on and make my way through the crowd. I see Matt’s face take me in. He whispers something in her ear, then approaches me.

“Cam...let her go,” he says pulling on my arm.

“Fuck you, Matt.”

He swings me around, which he never could have if I wasn’t drunk.

“Let the girl have some fun. Don’t ruin this night for her. I think she needs it, man.”

“What do you know?”

His eyebrows raise, “I know. Give it a rest for one night.”

I know he’s right, but I don’t want to admit it. She looks happy, smiling with Gabby. Max has joined them, his arm flung over his date.

I raise both my hands to my face, rubbing my temples trying to figure out what to do.

“Walk away,” I hear Matt say.

I do. I pull myself back up onto the stage, chugging a bottle of water. She looks amazing. I’ve only seen her in a dress once before, that night engrained into my head forever. I turn my back because I can’t look at her anymore. Her face, her eyes, her mouth, completely tugs at my emotional side. I never had an emotional side until she walked into class back in January.

When Max and Will join me on stage, I want to finish the set and leave. I can’t be here anymore. Every song that I sing is meant for her, and I can’t help but hope that she is listening to the words.

As we finish the last song, I swing my guitar over my head, placing it into the case. I look up, she’s gone. I move my neck in different directions trying to untangle the knots that have taking over.

I reach back, high-fiving Max and Will.

“I’m out.”

“Where you going? It’s early,” Will asks.

I look at Max, my expression saying all there is to be said and jump down.

When I get to my car, she’s leaning against it. I stop, because I’m afraid to move a muscle. When she looks up and sees me, she moves forward. My steps meet hers instantly.

“You’re here,” I say.

“I’m here.”

My defenses go right up. “What do you want?”

This girl has ripped me up and spit me out one too many times. She’s the only girl who has ever shattered my heart and I can’t stand here taking it again. Nothing compares to this girl..no one.

She takes a step back, “I just wanted to say congratulations and all.”

I step back creating even a further distance between us.

“Your music...you guys sounded great tonight,”she adds.

I’m trying to watch her face, but she keeps it down.

“Thanks.”

She moves forward, grabbing my hand. I close me eyes briefly feeling the warmth of it before I pull it back.

“I can’t do this anymore, Kat.”

“I’m sorry. If things were only different...” she says, but I cut her off. “Let me help you. I’ll be the one walking away tonight,” I say as I walk around her, unlocking my car.

She mumbles between tears, “Cam, please listen. If I don’t say this now, I won’t get the chance to tell you again.”

Shit! I’m not good with tears, especially hers.

I have one leg in the car, the other out facing her, “What?”

“I told you a long time ago that this wasn’t going to work out. Why couldn’t you just listen? And, now here we are just standing here, like complete strangers.”

The tears are falling, dripping into her mouth. The mouth that I want nothing more than to kiss right now, but I don’t. I’m scared of getting hurt any further.

“You didn’t trust me,” I say walking toward her.

“That’s not true.”

“If it isn’t true, why are we are doing this right now?” I ask.

I’m watching her, as she wipes the tears from her face.

“So much has happened. I need you to understand that I loved you...I still love you, but that doesn’t change anything.”

I throw my head back as the words come out of her mouth.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“I never wanted to hurt you, it’s just easier this way.”

I step closer, feeling her breath on my face.

“You couldn’t possibly hurt me more than you already have.”

She reaches up, pulling my chin down before placing her lips on mine. The cinnamon is missing, but I’m getting lost in her salty kiss. I know I need to stop this, or I’ll be the one breaking down.

I pull back, “Why did you do that?”

“Good-bye, Cameron.”

That’s all she says. She leaves me standing alone, again.

I thought I was holding the cards tonight, but as I watch her walk away I realize my heart just broke even more. If that is even possible. This cannot be happening again.

KAT

The last two weeks were complete hell. It’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m supposed to be getting on a plane, whisking off to Colorado with the best guy ever. Instead, I’m crying in my room, listening to the CD that he made for me. As I listen to it over and over again, I can’t help, but close my eyes. I get lost in the words that he sings for me. He’s in my head and I can’t get him out.

I reluctantly agree to go shopping with Rebecca for the summer and to get a few dorm things for college. My father pretty much insisting she was the one to go with. “Being a girl and all,” he said.

I’ve lived in Illinois for five months and I have only ventured downtown once before today. Rebecca insists on a Michigan Avenue shopping spree. I would have been fine going to Oak Brook, but I seem to never get my way. I go with it. We’re pulling into her swanky condo parking lot, in her convertible.

“I thought you didn’t live here anymore?”

“I have it for one more month,” she answers before telling me to watch my hands as she puts the top up.

We make our way out into the bustling street, people coming in every direction. It’s Saturday and the weather is beautiful.

“So, I guess he’s in Colorado by now?”

“I guess.”

“It’s a shame you didn’t go with him. It’s beautiful out there. You should really go check out the campus before making any decisions.”

She’s good, I’ll give her that.

“Rebecca, let’s drop Cameron and college for today.”

She smiles, “For now.”

After two not so painful shopping hours with her, we hit this little French restaurant for lunch. As we sit, it seems she knows the entire staff. They all call her by name, asking where my father is. It’s really nauseating.

“So the wedding is right around the corner, and there’s something I want to ask you?” She says taking a sip from her Chardonnay.

“Shoot.”

“Well, I was wondering if you would be my Maid of Honor?”

Is she kidding?

“Don’t you have someone better to ask?”

“No, I want you. It would really make the day perfect and I know it would mean a lot to your father.”

So she’s not so bad, after all. I know she loves my father, it’s obvious how she always thinks of him. Deep down I’m happy for him.

“I’ll do it for my Dad,” I say, I don’t want her to get the wrong impression. I can’t help it, she’s growing on me.

After the food she insists on ordering for the two of us to share, I think it’s all over.

“So, I booked us some pedicures at The Pennisula. It’s the best experience ever.”

I roll my eyes. “Shouldn’t we be getting back?”

“I told your father we’d be out all day doing girly things...it’ll be fun.”

She pays the bill. We make our way back down Michigan Avenue, as we enter our pedicure destination. It’s easily the nicest hotel I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

We are sitting side by side, when she leans over saying, “So how about you and I take a little trip?”

I can feel my face wrinkle at the question. “Where?”

She smiles, “Colorado, silly. I really want to show you the Boulder campus.”

“Are you ever gonna give up?”

“No, so say yes.”

This lady is nuts.

“What would you like me to do? How can I just show up like that...hey Cameron here I am?”

“Why not? It would be so romantic.”

“You’re crazy, you know that?”

The woman below, is rubbing some stinky mud on my calves. I feel like I’m in a dream thinking of Cameron’s face, remembering every chiseled muscle in his chest. A chest I desperately want to see again.

I look over at her, she’s glowing at the thought.

“It’s pointless. I have to be in Arizona in ten weeks.”

“Or, you have to be in Colorado in ten weeks. It’s your choice.”

“It’s not possible. It’s too late in the year.”

She pulls her feet from the water, splashing everywhere.

“Anything is possible. Besides, I called my favor in. If you want to go...you’re as good as in.”

“How?”

“Your father and I sent your transcripts over.”

“Daddy agreed to this?”

I’m completely surprised at the entire conversation. The possibility of going to college where Cameron would be, starts to feel overwhelming.

She just nods.

“What about Jess? She’s my best friend. I can’t just ditch her like that.”

“She’ll always be your best friend, college won’t change that.”

I know she’s right, Jess and I will always be friends. I need to say something because I’m about to hyperventilate at the thought.

“I don’t do snow boots. I prefer the sun.”

She doesn’t respond, instead she shakes her head.

***

I’m back in my room, looking at my perfectly manicured feet. Pink, ugh! I open my phone. No messages, no calls, nothing. I walk over to my desk. I pick up our prom picture, carrying it back to my bed. Flopping down, I stare at his face looking back at me, the tears start to form. I clutch the photo to my chest and fall asleep.

CAMERON

I did my best to have fun with my Dad. The weekend was long, and I didn’t think I could look at one more freaking hill. Thank God, Illinois is as flat as a pancake. I don’t want to climb anything else for a while.

My dad insisted on keeping me busy, knowing the hard time I was having shaking Kat out of my head. Problem is I can’t get her out, even if I wanted to.

It’s June now and I haven’t seen Kat since the graduation party. It’s only been a little over a week since then, but I still can’t get her words out of my head. I know she’s heading to Savannah any day now. For all I know, she’s already there. She couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

I almost fall over my skateboard when I see her walk out of Starbucks with her Dad’s girlfriend. She doesn’t see me, but I watch her sit on the bench, laughing along with the conversation. She’s even more beautiful than I remember, if that were even possible. All my fears come creeping across my body as I watch her. I want to rip her off of the bench and kiss her like she kissed me before.

Max comes skidding up behind me, grabbing my shoulder.

“C’mon, man. Leave it alone. Let’s go jam.”

I turn, following him. As I look back over my shoulder to her, I see that she sees me. For a minute I think I see her mouth curve into a smile, so I smile back.

***

I’m sitting on my porch, my thoughts running to Kat. As always. I watch the night come to an end, but it’s not the same without her. I can’t help but wish she were here. The silence isn’t so bad, it’s all the memories running through my head that are driving me crazy.

I keep trying to refocus on the summer, college and my dad. It’s all a waste of my time and effort as I sit here. Every single thing I think of immediately runs back to her last words.

I pull my phone out of my front pocket, staring at the bright screen. Not one call from her in weeks. It’s been almost impossible not going to her or calling her. How could it be so easy for her?

Nothings working, so I find myself pulling myself upstairs and into bed. I look over at our prom picture sitting on my nightstand. So glad that she made us take the picture, because it’s the only one I have of her. I pick it up, staring at her for what seems like forever. I know I should put it away or throw it out, it only causes painful memories. I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s a comfort to me, seeing her look back at me. I gave her my word that I would never walk away from her, let her go. Here I am doing just that. I hate doing it, but she’s left me no options.

I don’t know why, but I’m still holding on to her. She doesn’t want me. I try to make sense of everything, her mom, school, her dad, but I still can’t wrap my head around it all.

I try my best to be guarded, but instead I let myself become an open book with her. I don’t regret any of it. I’d let her break my heart all over again, if it meant one more minute with her. There’s nothing is this world that can change my mind about her. She’s my first love and I’ll want her forever.