Never Say Never (19 page)

As I’m walking up the driveway, I see Rebecca opening the front door to my house, the porch light illuminating her face.

“Kat...I’m so sorry to have ruined your prom night. If there was any other way,” she says.

I push my way through, scanning the downstairs for any sign of my father. He’s nowhere. My hands are trembling as different scenarios are running through my head.

I turn, “Where’s my Dad?”

She points to the stairs, “He’s in your room. He’s been in there all night.”

I drop the bag filled with the lavender dress spilling out.

“My room?” I ask.

“Yeah, your room,” she says wiping the tear streaming down my face.

I hate this woman and she’s touching me, acting all motherly. She’s the last person in the world I want to see right now. Why is she even here?

Each step I take, my knees feel like Jell-O. Feeling like they might collapse any minute as I make my way closer to my room. I peer through, as I push the door open. The only relief I have is that I can see my father sitting on the edge of my bed. He’s visibly upset, but at least he’s okay in the sense he’s here.

I don’t move.

“Daddy, what’s wrong?”

He twists his body, his eyes all red and puffy. He pats the bed, “Come sit down, Kat. I need to tell you something.”

I do.

I’m sitting next to him. I keep my face down, focusing on the carpet afraid to hear the words that will be coming out of his mouth.

He grabs my chin, lifting it so my eyes are forced to focus on his, “It’s your Mom.”

“What about her?”

He lets go, “I don’t know how to tell you this, Kat. So I’m just going to say it, okay?”

I nod in agreement.

“She’s gone.”

“What do you mean gone...gone where?” I ask nervously. I know the answer before he finishes, but my heart aches for the answer to be different.

“I got a call from Uncle Frank tonight. Kat, your Mom committed suicide.”

Suicide was the only word that I heard him say. It couldn’t be. She left us because she wasn’t happy, because of her disease. How the hell did this happen? I barely hear my father speaking to me, “I’m so sorry. I feel responsible...I should have done something more, anything to keep her with us.”

I shake my head, “What? How could this happen? It’s not true, it can’t be true.”

He’s crying, sobbing actually.

“I knew she was sick years ago. If I insisted on treatment or something maybe things would be different,” he says as he twists and turns his hands around one another.

“Daddy, please, it’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself,” I tell him, grabbing his wrist.

“She was so sick, sicker than I could possibly even imagine. I thought when she left to get help, she’d get better.”

“But she didn’t. This is her fault...she left us, remember? And now she’s dead. I don’t even know what to say or feel or do.”

He stands up, pulling me in.

“I know. I never imagined in a million years that she’d do this. Are you going to be okay?”

I don’t answer. I push him off and I flop back onto my bed. I’m shaking my head, trying not to completely lose it in front of him. The answer to his question is no, I’m not okay, but I don’t say it out loud.

“Kat, I’m going to be heading out for the funeral in two days. It’s your choice if you want to come. Everyone will understand if you can’t do this.”

He’s standing back over me, as I look up. I can’t hold it in any longer, the tears flow down like they did before.

“There is no one. It’s just us and them. They don’t even care about us,” I say, between sobs.

He brushes my hair out of my face, “It’s what right, she was my wife for nineteen years. I loved her, I have to go.”

I stand up, reaching over for a tissue, “If you’re going then I’m going.”

I’m about to lose it. I feel like the entire world is crashing before my eyes. She left months ago. But, I still miss her and I still love her. My emotions are in full swing thinking how selfish she was when she did this. Not only could I not contemplate the fact that she walked out on us, but this. Life was just getting good...better. I don’t know how I can even push myself forward. She’s gone, everyone leaves at some point, I know this, but I wasn’t prepared to hear forever. I always thought she’d come back to me someday, that she’d find me or I would find her. Now, someday didn’t mean much considering she was gone forever.

CAMERON

I didn’t sleep at all when I got home. I paced around my room for what seemed like hours, waiting for my phone to ring. I checked a zillion times for anything...a text, something. Nothing. The entire day went by, and still no word from Kat, it’s Sunday night when I call her.

I hear her voice through the phone, she sounds horrible as she answers.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Cameron, it’s not a good time. I’m packing.”

“Where are you going?”

“I have to go to California. I won’t be back for a few days,” she says struggling with each word.

“What happened?” I ask as I begin to wear out the carpet in my room.

“My mother’s gone...she killed herself,” she mumbles as she cries.

I don’t answer right away, not knowing what to say. I’m completely freaked that she just said those words to me. I can only imagine how she feels. I just want to tell her everything will be okay, but I wasn’t sure if that were true.

“I’m so sorry, Kat.” I pause thinking, “Do you want me to come with you guys?”

She laughs softly under her breath, like I’m offending her, “No, Cameron.”

“I want to help you, tell me what to do, please?”

“There’s nothing you can do. I just need some space, okay?”

WHAT?

I know this is a tragic event, but space? Anything but space. I know what space means, I’ve played that hand one too many times.

“Would you please call me when you get back.”

“Yeah, sure,” she mutters. Although she doesn’t do a good job convincing me.

Right now the world is crashing at her feet, and selfishly I feel like my world is too.

***

I haven’t seen or heard from Kat since last weekend and there is only two weeks of school left, before graduation.

It’s Monday morning, I’m waiting by her locker. She doesn’t show, so I head to my classes. The entire week, I’ve not been practicing with the band, not hanging out, only thinking of Kat and our almost perfect night and how she’s doing.

I walk into History, she’s sitting in the back row. I’m surprised to see her sitting there. I didn’t think she was in school today. But, I make my way back to her. I kneel down next to her desk, when she looks up at me.

“Hey,” she says.

“How are you?” I ask taking her hand in mine.

She pulls her hand away, and scoots back in her chair.

She says, “I’m fine,” with her head down.

“Can you please look at me?”

She doesn’t. She wraps her arms around herself, when I see her finger come up and wipe a tear from her eye. All I want to do is hold her, take the pain away, but I can’t. I have no idea what’s going through her mind, other than she’s hurting and hurting badly.

I reach out to her again, but hear Mrs. McLaughlin walk in and tell us to take our seats. I need to get up, but I don’t.

I’m still holding onto Kat, when I hear, “Mr. Tate, take your seat, now.”

I don’t take my eyes of Kat when I yell back, “Can you just give me a minute?”

“Mr. Tate, now.”

Kat looks at me and says, “Go,” as she pulls her hand back.

I take the seat in front of her and sit through the entire lecture, thinking, how the hell am I supposed to do this?

When the bells rings, I turn to her. She already has her bag swung over her shoulder and starts to walk around her desk. Avoiding me.

I jump up, catching up with her, but she’s with Gabby.

“Kat, I need to talk to you,” I say pulling at her wrist.

“Cameron, not right now...later. Okay?”

Gabby is right by her side. I’m not even sure if she knows. I sure as hell wasn’t broadcasting what happened to her mother. Everyone asked, but I just shrugged and told everyone she was on a trip with her father. It wasn’t a total lie.

When I walk out to the parking lot, she’s waiting for me by my car. Phew! I’m excited to see her. She avoided me in lunch, and I was worried this was it. One night with Kat was all I was gonna get. The only problem with that scenario was that one night was never going to be enough for me.

She walks over and lets herself in the passenger seat, and sits. I run my fingers through my hair before I get in. This is it, I know it’s coming, but I don’t want it to. I open the door slowly, sitting inside to join her.

She turns her body to face mine, my eyes are clinging to hers before she blurts out, “I need you to forget about me.”

I’m trying to take in her words, they seem hopeless.

“I can’t Kat. Prom was the only night that I ever felt like this. Hell, I haven’t ever felt like this for anyone and you want me to walk away?” I ask, still in shock. I kind of figured this was what she was going to do, but I’m frantic thinking about how I can talk her out of this.

She looks right through me, “I wasn’t your first and I won’t be your last. It’s over.”

I grab her hand, pulling it from her lap, “Don’t do that?”

“Do what?”

“Cheapen it. Like it didn’t mean anything to you. Because it meant something to me.”

She wraps her fingers in my hair, pulling me closer. I’m about to start crying, something I’ve never done in all my teenage years.

“I’m not trying to. Being with you...was everything to me. But, what we had is over. I do love you, but I told you before I can’t get hurt again. To see you walk away at the end of the summer...I just can’t do it,” she says, shaking her head as she pulls me in for our last kiss.

I stop, even though I don’t want to, “Why does it have to end? This is ridiculous.”

She pulls her hands away from me.

“My Dad told me I can go spend the summer with Jess back in Savannah.”

What? Is she serious? I have only two possible weeks left with her.

My heart starts racing, “And you’re going?”

“I haven’t decided yet. It’s just easier this way. I miss her. We can head to Arizona together in August. I think I need this,” she says.

I’m struggling to find the right words to make her stay, to change her mind.

“Kat, please don’t do this. I love you, I need you...don’t go. We can figure something out for school. I can come see you, you can come see me. It’s not that far,” I say pleading with her.

I watch her as she places her hand on the door, opening it.

“I need to leave, okay? If I stay any longer, you’ll change my mind.”

I pull her back in, “Then don’t go...stay.”

“I can’t. Good-bye,” she says leaning over as she kisses my cheek.

I don’t move, I’m frozen in my seat as she steps out of my car and walks away. Something that I was used to, but hated.

KAT

I knew it was going to be hard to walk away from Cameron when he told me he loved me, but I did. The last week was even harder than I expected. I never thought anything could be worse than her walking out, but her death was almost unbearable. The funeral was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. My Mom’s body lying still in a coffin, dressed in her yellow dress that I remember from our last Easter together.

The hardest part was not the fact that Rebecca made the trip with us, even though I don’t understand that one. It was me placing a single rose on top, saying my final good-bye. The dirt being thrown over her coffin at the cemetery was when I lost all control. I cried for three straight days, I was at the point where I didn’t think I had any tears left.

Saying good-bye to Cameron was almost as hard. I saw us, the whole picture and what our life could be like. I knew the moment he told me he loved me, that I wanted him forever. My forever’s seem to never work out, so I needed to end us before it got way out of control. I can barely walk away now, but waiting two more months would be impossible. I hated giving him my last kiss and was selfish wanting it, as he fought for me. For a minute I thought I saw his eyes watering, and the need to get out of his car was immediate. If I saw him cry, my life would only be harder than it already is.

***

I’m sitting in my room, staring out the balcony when I hear a knock on my door. I turn, hoping to see my father. It’s not. Rebecca is standing in the doorway with a cup from Starbucks.

“Your Dad said this was your favorite,” she says, walking over toward me.

“I don’t want it,” I say abruptly.

She places it down on my bureau, “I was hoping we could talk?”