Never Say Goodbye (35 page)

‘And the kitchen?’ Josie prompted. ‘Where are you going to put that?’

‘Good question,’ Bel smiled, and steering her to a ragged hole in the stonework, she led the way out into a decrepit lean-to littered with buckets, old hoses, tin cans and various rusting tools she wouldn’t have been able to identify if she’d tried. ‘This is most likely where we’ll put the kitchen,’ she declared. ‘We’ll source the same stone as everywhere else, put up five or six pillars where the wooden struts are now with French windows in between, and top it off with a conical roof. The architect’s saying we could probably make it into a hexagon, which would be amazing, but we’ll have to see what the planners have to say about that.’

‘This whole space,’ Josie laughed, looking up at the holes in the corrugated iron above, ‘is going to be a
kitchen
! I wouldn’t know where to put everything if it was mine, and I reckon you’d walk a mile every time you cooked a meal.’

Laughing too, Bel was about to carry on describing her plans when Josie’s mobile rang.

‘Lily,’ Josie announced. ‘I’d better take it.’

‘Car,’ Bel instructed, pointing to her Mercedes estate. ‘It’s warmer. I’ll come and start the engine.’

After leaving Josie all wrapped up in a woolly hat and scarf with the heater turned high as she talked to her daughter, Bel picked her way across the yard to the milking shed.

There were so many possibilities for this structure, most fraught with the kind of problems that were going to cause endless nightmares, but nothing could make her back out of it now. She was wholly committed, not only because of the creative challenge, but because if Nick did end up taking the children to Sydney, she was going to need it to help fill the emptiness when they’d gone.

It was still unsettling her terribly even to think of losing them, though nothing more had been said on the subject since the morning Kristina had brought the children to her. So exactly what their plans were, when they were intending to leave, whether they were meaning to break it to the children sooner rather than later, she was having to wait to find out, since she didn’t feel inclined to cause a scene by asking.

Sitting snugly in the car, Josie was assuring Lily she’d be happy to help write the invitations, and yes, she’d have a list of addresses ready for when Lily came at the weekend. ‘And I’ll go to the church to count up how many flower arrangements we’re going to need,’ she promised, ‘but I thought you’d want to come with me for that.’

‘I don’t think I’ll have time,’ Lily groaned. ‘We’ve got so much on this weekend, you wouldn’t believe it. Anyway, what I want to know is if you’re feeling better now?’

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ Josie told her, watching a plastic bag skittering across the yard in the wind. ‘It was just a bit of a tummy bug that I couldn’t seem to shake. I’m back to work tomorrow, so right as rain. Have you heard from Ryan this week?’

‘Yeah, he rang the night before last for a little chat.’

‘Was he OK?’

‘Yeah, he was good.’

Having now established that the threatened move to another prison had been no more than a wind-up on the part of some fellow inmates, Josie was breathing a little easier. ‘I wonder if he’s got the copy of
David Copperfield
I sent?’ she said, struggling past the listlessness that was spreading through her. Apparently someone had either stolen or destroyed the one he’d been reading, so he’d texted her to ask for another.

‘He didn’t say,’ Lily replied, ‘but if it doesn’t turn up I’m sure he’ll let us know. Anyway, I’d better go, loads to do. Glad you’re better. Love you, see you at the weekend,’ and hardly giving Josie the chance to say much else, she was gone.

Sliding the phone back in her pocket, Josie continued to sit where she was, enjoying the comfort of the car as the wind and rain chased round the barn and whipped up a frenzy across the surrounding fields. If she was being honest, it was all a bit beyond her, trying to work out how this place was going to look by the time Bel had finished, but not having the vision, or all that much energy, was in no way dampening the pleasure of being here. She’d been thrilled to bits when Bel had called to ask if she’d like to come, and she could still raise a little chuckle to think of Carly’s face when she’d peered out of her nets and spotted Josie Clark getting into a Merc.

Josie had noticed that Bel never talked about any friends, so it would seem that now her sister had gone she was much more on her own than Josie would ever have imagined for someone like her. Which was such a shame, Josie reflected, because she had to be one of the kindest people she’d ever met. Fancy her ringing up the day after Josie’s last treatment to find out how she was. Terrible, had been the answer, so sore and constipated that she’d felt as though her body was tearing in half. She hadn’t told Bel that, but what she had ended up blurting out was how worried she was about Ryan. So Bel, cool as you like, had rung up the prison to find out what was going on. It was how they’d discovered that he’d been the butt of some other prisoner’s joke, which wasn’t a good thing to hear, it distressed Josie a lot to think of him being bullied, but it was far more welcome news than finding out he really was going to be shipped off up north.

The day after that Bel had insisted on coming to the house to see for herself how Josie was doing. She’d wanted to make sure, she’d said, that Josie wasn’t suffering in silence when she really ought to be asking for help. By then the searing knife through Josie’s nether regions every time she went to the loo had blunted a little and the throbbing in her head was starting to ease. Nevertheless, she’d missed her shifts at the caff that week.

‘It’s time to tell your employer what’s going on,’ Bel had advised. ‘I’m sure she’ll be very understanding once she knows what the problem is.’

‘She will,’ Josie agreed, ‘but she’ll also know that she has to find someone else, because she won’t be able to cope with me constantly letting her down. And if I lose this job I won’t be bringing in any money at all.’

‘There are allowances, benefits, you can claim to help you through this time,’ Bel insisted. ‘I don’t know the details, but we can easily find out. I’ll call someone at Breast Cancer Care, they’ll know exactly what we’re supposed to do.’

We. She’d said ‘we’, just like it was her problem too, and it had made Josie want to cry.

True to her word Bel had got the information and had even offered to come to the jobcentre with her to go through the formalities, but Josie had drawn the line at that. She really wouldn’t have felt comfortable about taking Bel Monkton to such a place, especially as it was in the Zone; she wouldn’t have had any wheels left on her car by the time they came out again. Besides, it had made more sense for Jeff to go with her, which he had, bless him; he’d even taken her for a cup of coffee after to celebrate their windfall, as he was calling it. They were going to be nearly twenty quid a week better off as soon as she finished up at the caff, and he didn’t seem to mind too much about the fact they were getting it from the state. Or he hadn’t said that he did anyway, and she couldn’t imagine he would when he obviously understood why it wasn’t possible for her to hold down a job for a while. Once this chemo was over, and she’d got through the op, they’d be able to go back to normal, and work themselves to a standstill for less money again.

There was something to look forward to.

Meantime, five days to go until her next treatment, so best to make the most of them, and she had to admit she was happy as Larry, being here with Bel, wherever the heck Bel had disappeared to.

In the milking shed Bel was so engrossed in measurements, sketches and notes for the architect that it wasn’t until she began packing her clipboard away that she realised a good twenty minutes had passed since she’d left Josie in the car. Hoping she had dropped off, and not found herself caught up in some problem with her daughter, Bel began picking her way around piles of hay and old cow dung back to the car. She’d done about as much as she could here today, and with the weather turning uglier by the second it was time to start heading home.

Opening the boot as carefully as she could, she put her attaché case inside and went to slide quietly into the driver’s seat. It wasn’t until she’d closed the door that she realised Josie wasn’t asleep. She was staring at something in her hand, and when Bel saw what it was her heart burned with pity.

The clump of hair Josie was holding was large enough to confirm that the loss had begun, and remembering how traumatic it had been for Talia, Bel took Josie’s free hand in hers.

Josie’s face was stricken as she turned to her. It was as though, Bel thought, the shock of what was happening was setting in all over again.

‘Let’s go back to my place and decide what’s best to be done,’ she said softly. ‘It’ll be all right, so don’t worry. I’ll help you to choose a wig, or scarves if you prefer. I have several very nice ones that I’m more than happy to pass on, if you like them.’

Josie didn’t answer, simply turned her gaze back to the shining golden curls in her hand. She combed her fingers through her hair again, and added more to what she was holding. ‘I think I should cut it all off,’ she said, her voice cracked with misery. ‘I don’t want to end up with bald spots, that’ll look even worse.’

‘Wearing it a bit shorter for a while is a good idea,’ Bel advised. ‘It puts less pressure on your scalp when you brush it, and it might not feel quite so traumatic to go from short hair to losing it altogether.’

Josie nodded vaguely. ‘There won’t be any hiding it from the kids now,’ she whispered, turning to look out of the window.

‘It’s best they know,’ Bel responded. ‘I understand why you want to protect them, but they can handle this, you just have to give them the chance.’

Josie continued to stare at nothing. ‘Seems all wrong, me leaning on them,’ she said. ‘I’m their mother, it’s not how it’s supposed to be.’

Feeling for how difficult each step of this journey was, and knowing it was likely to get worse before it got better, Bel touched a comforting hand to her arm.

Turning to her, Josie gave her a grateful smile. ‘Maybe we should go straight to a hairdresser and get it shaved off,’ she said. ‘I’ve got some money on me . . .’

‘We can go tomorrow, if you still feel it’s what you want to do.’

‘I’m at the caff tomorrow.’

‘We could go after you finish.’

Josie nodded. ‘I suppose I ought to tell Fliss what’s going on before I turn up looking like a boiled egg,’ she said. There was a beat before her mouth twitched with a smile; a moment later she was laughing and Bel was joining in.

‘A boiled egg,’ Josie gasped, suddenly finding it hilarious.

‘You won’t look anything like that,’ Bel protested.

Josie was dabbing the tears from her eyes. ‘Actually,’ she finally managed, ‘I probably ought to wait till next week to tell Lily. She’s coming on Saturday, and I don’t want to end up spoiling her weekend.’ She sighed quietly, and Bel could hear the anguish in her voice as she said, ‘Jeff’s always loved my hair. He says it’s my best feature.’

‘It is lovely,’ Bel agreed, ‘but so are your eyes, and your smile.’

Josie had to laugh. ‘It’s just hair,’ she said. ‘It’s not like I’m losing a limb, so time to get over myself.’

Bel waited for a while. ‘Ready to go?’ she asked when she felt Josie might be.

‘I think so.’

By the time they drove in through the gates of Stillwater they were laughing again, at something else that wasn’t funny, but somehow that made it even funnier. They barely noticed the rain pounding the windscreen, or the way the sky appeared almost submerged in the sea, until they got out of the car.

‘Remind me to install an integral garage, if I ever build a place of my own,’ Bel told Josie, stripping off her hat and scarf as they ran in through the front door.

‘Duly noted,’ Josie promised, ‘and could you remind me to put a helipad on the roof of mine?’

Laughing, Bel said, ‘And where will you keep your yacht?’

‘Oh, somewhere around the Med,’ Josie replied flippantly, and copying Bel she kicked off her boots. ‘Oh, feel this floor,’ she swooned as the heat rose up through her socks. ‘Forget everything else, I’ll settle for one of these.’

‘Come on,’ Bel chuckled, ‘it’s throughout the house so you’re not going to hit any cold spots. Shall we have some tea?’

‘Can’t think of anything better. Ginger?’ Since Josie’s last treatment Bel had introduced her to several different types of herbal infusions, all of which were supposed to help ease the side effects of chemo.

‘How about liquorice?’ Bel suggested, going to the cupboard. ‘I’m sure there’s some here.’

‘Sounds good,’ Josie replied, placing her hands in the small of her back.

‘Aching?’ Bel asked.

‘Just a bit. I keep meaning to start again with the Pilates board, it was fine while I was doing that. I expect it’s all the lying about in bed. I’ll talk to Jeff about getting a new mattress, because he’s been suffering again lately as well. Oh, my, is this your sister and her family?’ she asked, spotting a framed photograph on the bookshelves. ‘I don’t think I noticed it before.’

‘It was there,’ Bel assured her, glancing up. ‘I took it myself, about a year before she died.’

Josie was entranced. ‘If I didn’t know any better I’d think it was you,’ she murmured softly. ‘She looks lovely. So happy. And the children are cuter than cute.’

Bel smiled. ‘I think so, but there again, I’m biased.’

After gazing at the photograph a while longer, Josie put it back and wandered over to the kitchen. ‘So how are things with your brother-in-law?’ she prompted.

Bel glanced at her mobile as it started to ring. ‘Speak of the devil,’ she muttered, reaching for it. ‘Hi Nick, how are you?’ she said, looking at Josie.

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ Nick replied, not quite sounding it. ‘How about you?’

‘I’m good, thanks. I’ve just been over to the barn with a friend.’

‘Does that mean everything’s going through?’

‘It seems to be.’

‘Good. So who was the friend? Don’t tell me, Harry Beck.’

Taken aback, Bel said, ‘No actually. Her name’s Josie, and she’s here now. We’re about to have tea. Are you nearby? You’re welcome to join us.’