Never Say Genius (26 page)

“Over my dead body!” Pep shouted, causing the fake SWAT team to giggle uncontrollably.

“It’s not even the Fourth of July,” Coke informed Archie Clone. “That’s tomorrow.”

“Don’t you think I know that, Coke?” Archie Clone asked. “I sent out a series of fake texts talking about a robbery in Washington on the Fourth of July. I hoped your friends Mya and Bones would intercept them. And they did. Now everyone is expecting the big robbery tomorrow. That’s why I’m doing it
today
! Hahahahaha!”

“Hahahahahaha” went the fake SWAT team. They sounded like they had been programmed to laugh whenever he did.

“What are you going to steal?” Pep asked.

“Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” said Archie Clone. “Oh, wait! I almost forgot. I’m going to kill you anyway! Hahahahaha!”

“Hahahahahaha” went the SWAT team.

“You’re going to steal the Star-Spangled Banner from the museum, aren’t you?” Coke guessed. “It’s the symbol of America.”

“Of course not,” Archie Clone replied. “That’s way too obvious. And besides, that flag wouldn’t fit on my bedroom wall. Hahahahaha!”

“Hahahahahaha” went the fake SWAT team.

“You’re going to steal Dumbo the flying elephant!” accused Pep.

“No, no, no,” Archie Clone said, almost whispering, “something even
better
.”

He leaned closer to Pep, so she could smell his breath. There was a gleam in his eye.

“I’m going to steal the most valuable treasure they have in this museum,” he continued. “A true symbol of America. Are you ready for this? I’m going to steal… Abraham Lincoln’s top hat!”

“No!” Coke shouted.

“You’re insane!” said Pep.

“Insane?” Archie Clone said. “Seems to me that it would be insane to drive all the way across the country to see a duct tape fashion show. It’s your mother who is insane.”

“Leave our mother out of this!” Pep shouted.

“Oh, please,” said Archie Clone. “Spare me the theatrics.”

“How about we just kill ’em now, boss?” asked one of the bowler dudes. “Right here in the stairwell.”

“Not yet,” Archie Clone said. “Not here.”

He pulled a photo out of his pocket and showed it to the twins.

“As you know, I have a … thing … for hats,” he told them. “This one was made by J. Y. Davis, a Washington hatmaker. Lincoln had the black silk mourning band added in honor of his son, Willie, who got sick and died at the age of eleven. And do you know when Lincoln wore this hat for the last time?”

“When?” Pep asked.

“April fourteenth, 1865,” Archie Clone said, “on his way to Ford’s Theatre.”

“The night he was shot,” Coke said.

“That’s right,” said Archie Clone. “After the assassination, the hat was given to the Patent Office, and they transferred it to the Smithsonian Institution in 1867. The hat was stashed in a basement storage room for twenty-six years. After they put it on display, it became one of the most treasured objects in the museum. And soon it will be part of my unique hat collection! Hahahaha!”

“Hahahahahaha” went the fake SWAT team.

“I thought all you cared about was getting Dr. Warsaw’s million dollars for being the last surviving member of The Genius Files,” Coke said.

“A million dollars?” Archie Clone said with a snort. “That’s petty cash! Do you have any idea how much Lincoln’s top hat would be worth?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Pep said. “As soon as you try to sell it, you’ll get caught. Nobody would buy it from you. They’d know it was stolen from the museum.”

“All very true, Pep,” Archie Clone said, looking at his watch, “but I can ransom it, and for a lot more than a million dollars. My good friend Mrs. Higgins is downstairs stealing the top hat right now, as we speak.”

“So you and Mrs. Higgins
are
working together!” Pep said.

“She’ll never get away with it,” Coke said. “It’s under glass. There are security guards.”

“Hahahahahaha” went the fake SWAT team.

“Glass? Security guards?” Archie Clone said. “You must be joking, Coke. Take them upstairs, boys.”

The fake SWAT team shoved Coke and Pep up the stairs to the next level. There were no more stairs above that. A gray door had three words stenciled on it in black—MUSEUM ROOF ACCESS.

Coke and Pep stopped instinctively. Roofs are dangerous places. They’re high, for one thing. People fall off them, for another. And die.

“What do
we
have to do with Abraham Lincoln’s hat?” Pep asked. “Why don’t you just steal it and leave us alone?”

“I’m glad you brought that up, Pep,” said Archie Clone. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you two for a long time. Dr. Warsaw tried to kill you on several occasions, but he failed. After he died and I took over The Genius Files program, I dipped you in boiling oil, but you somehow managed to escape. I tried to drown you in ice cream, but you escaped again. That impressed me. I like your style. You two almost seem … unkillable, if that’s a word.”

Coke said a few words to Archie Clone that you have undoubtedly heard on the playground or perhaps even when your parents are really, really mad. Needless to say, they are not nice words.

“I’ll disregard that remark,” Archie Clone said. “Because I could really use a couple of resourceful kids like you in my operation. Geniuses, so to speak. It would be a big improvement over the current personnel, if you know what I mean.”

“We’re not geniuses,” Pep said. “Never say genius again!”

“I’m going to give you kids a choice,” Archie Clone said. “Join me. I’ll cut you in on whatever I do. We’ll be equal partners. Stick with me, and we’re going to have a lot of fun and make a lot of money. You’ll be set for life. This is a golden opportunity for you.”

“What’s our other choice?” Coke asked.

“Your other choice?” Archie Clone said. “Well, your other choice, of course … is to
die
.”

“We would
never
work for you!” Pep said, almost spitting out the words in his face. “Not if our lives depended on it.”

“That’s too bad,” Archie Clone said, “because your lives
do
depend on it. Take them up to the roof, fellows. Maybe they’ll change their tune once we get up there.”

One of the bowler dudes pushed open the roof access door, and Coke and Pep were shoved through it.

They were outside now. From this height, the Washington Monument appeared to be very close, almost looming over them.

There were three helicopters parked on the roof. Nobody was inside them, but their rotors were turning slowly. One of the bowler dudes shoved the twins toward the nearest chopper.

“Did you know that when the president of the United States travels by helicopter, there are always three identical helicopters in the air?” Archie Clone said. “That way, if somebody wanted to shoot his helicopter down, they won’t know which one to shoot at. It also means that if there are three helicopters flying around Washington, the police don’t bother them because they assume the president is inside one of them. Get in.”

Coke and Pep didn’t have any choice. The bowler dude pushed them into the helicopter, and Archie Clone climbed into the pilot’s seat.

“Where is Mrs. Higgins with my top hat?” he asked nobody in particular. “What’s taking her so long? She probably stopped to wash her hands or some such nonsense.”

“Where are you taking us?” Pep demanded.

“Not far,” Archie Clone replied. “If you don’t want to join my team, I’ll drop you two off at the Washington Monument.”

“You mean you’re going to let us go after you steal Lincoln’s hat?” asked Pep hopefully.

“No,” Archie Clone said as he fiddled with the controls. “I said I’d drop you off at the Washington Monument. The key word is
drop
. I can’t have you two blabbing about my plans.”

“You’re going to drop us
on
the Washington Monument?” Pep asked.

“It’s a beautiful structure, isn’t it?” Archie Clone said as he gazed skyward. “Looks like a gigantic, sharpened pencil. Most people don’t know this, but there’s an aluminum cap at the top, with eight lightning rods attached to it. Each of them are six inches long. Get the point?”

“You’re a lunatic!” Coke shouted.

“I know, I know,” Archie Clone said. “It won’t be easy to drop you two right on the point. But if I miss by a few inches, it’s okay. You’ll fall 555 feet, 5 and 1/8 inches to the ground. The impact will finish the job. So it’s a win-win for me.”

He pushed a button on the dashboard, and the helicopter’s rotors started spinning faster. The bowler dudes ran over and climbed into the other two helicopters.

Pep was paralyzed with fear. She gripped the seat tightly, as if that would somehow protect her. In his head, Coke frantically calculated their options. He and Pep could jump out and make a run for it. They could try to overpower Archie Clone. Or they could just sit there and hope somebody would rescue them. He looked up at the Washington Monument. Once the chopper was up in the air, all bets were off.

Archie Clone pulled out a cell phone.

“Hurry up, Higgins!” he barked once he’d made the connection. “What’s taking so long? I haven’t got all day. I want my top hat, and I want it
now
!”

While Archie Clone was talking, Coke leaned over to his sister.

“When I say so, we’re going to jump out,” he whispered in her ear.

“I can’t!” she whispered back. “We might get killed!”

“We’re sure to get killed if we
don’t
jump out,” Coke said. “Come on. Just like we jumped off the cliff. You’ve got to trust me.”

Archie Clone cursed and slapped his cell phone shut. He saw something in the distance that the twins didn’t—another helicopter coming from across the National Mall. He flipped a few switches, and the rotors spun faster.

“Where is Higgins?” Archie Clone said, looking around angrily. And then, “That’s it, forget the stupid hat. I’m getting out of here.”

Coke saw the helicopter approaching too.

“Look! I’ll bet it’s the real cops!” he shouted. “You might as well surrender. You’re done for.”

“Not if I can help it,” Archie Clone said.

He pulled back on the joystick, and the helicopter began to lift off the roof.

As the other helicopter got closer, Coke could see that there were no policemen in it.

“It’s Mya and Bones!” he shouted, pointing.

“Not
them
!” Archie Clone spat.

“I told you they’d be here!” shouted Pep.

The helicopter the twins were in was five feet above the roof.

“We’ve got to jump
now
!”

“I can’t!”

As the other helicopter reached the roof, Mya jumped out. She had a bag around her neck. She reached into the bag and pulled out an orange Frisbee.

“It’s a Frisbee grenade!” Coke yelled. “She can’t see us! She’s going to blow us up!”

Their helicopter was almost ten feet above the roof now. Coke couldn’t wait any longer. He gave Pep a shove and pushed her out. Then he jumped out himself, landing clumsily on the roof next to his sister and twisting his ankle painfully.