Never a Road Without a Turning (28 page)

Ash shoved Pip’s shoulder hard.

“Don’t talk nonsense,” he snapped. “After all I’ve told you today, after you’ve seen me at my most wretched and been given ample proof of how truly damaged I am—and more than just this”—he pointed to his leg—“do you honestly think I care a whit about all that rubbish? That I wouldn’t give you anything you asked if it were in my power to do so?”

“Ye might not if ye knew the whole of it.”

“The whole of what?” Ash demanded, obviously feeling as frustrated as Pip was.

“Me own tale of woe, as ye put it.”

Ash plunked down next to him and growled, “Then tell it to me, and let’s have done so we can dispense with the pretense that my being born a gentleman—through none of my own doing, I might add—and your being born a servant are somehow to blame for why you can’t come home with me.” His silver eyes were ablaze, his cheeks flushed, and his jaw hard when Pip finally lifted his head to return his gaze.

Oddly enough, Pip’s cock twitched in response to that flash of temper, even as he hid a smile. An angry Ash was so much better than a dejected or melancholy one. And for a moment, Pip was tempted to let all his worries go and simply attack him. He didn’t truly want to ruin the fragile thing they were trying to build between them with his secrets. Ash wanted him as he was now. He didn’t have to know the whole filthy tale.

But Carruthers was right. Ash did need to know. And Pip would be a coward if he didn’t give Ash the same consideration the man had shown him. Pip had to make Ash understand just how wretched and low a creature he really was, or he’d always wonder if Ash would still want him if he knew. The doubt would always be there, niggling at the back of his mind, spoiling whatever they managed to have together.

“All right, then. I’ll tell ye. Ye’ll give me a fair ’earing, as I did for you. And in the end, if ye’ve changed yer mind about anythin’, ye’ll tell me straight. All right?”

Ash sighed in obvious irritation. “Yes, a thousand times yes. Let’s put at least this much to rest, once and for all.”

The tightness in Pip’s chest didn’t ease, but he nodded. “Right. Good. Now shut yer gob an’ let me tell it.”

That drew a snort out of the man, but he kept his mouth shut just the same.

“First is, I lied to ye. Stubbs ain’t me real name. It’s Bell, from me mum. I never knew me father, an’ I don’t think me mum knew ’im neither, if ye catch me meanin’. But Maud and Stubbs—and Mr. Carey—’ave been more of a famly t’ me than anyone else so that’s why I took it.”

“
Belle
suits you better,” Ash murmured with a hesitant smile.

Pip shushed him even as he preened a little over the compliment. “It weren’t me ma’s real name, at any rate, from what I could tell. She died when I were real young. Maud did what she could to ’elp, even though I weren’t ’er boy, but she were only scrapin’ by as it was. So I did what I ’ad to live. I weren’t born a servant, Ash. I were born much lower than that, and I sunk lower still, stealing from carts and pickin’ pockets in St. Giles. And even further when I got nipped. The new magistrate wanted to make a name for ’imself, ye see, so ’e sent me to Newgate—a whole year in that hell over a sodding pocket watch.”

Pip fell silent and Ash asked quietly, “How old were you?”

Pretending a nonchalance he didn’t feel, Pip shrugged. “Eleven, near as I can tell. Not much call for celebratin’ birthdays in the rookeries.”

Ash looked appalled. “God, Phillip, that must have been terrible.”

Pip squirmed and turned away. “When I said Master Carey was me benefactor, I weren’t completely honest. ’e were much more than that. The man saved me life. ’e got me out o’ there before I went completely mad, and all because Maud asked ’im to. They sent me away to Vicar ’alford, and a kinder man ye’ll never meet. I wouldn’t be ’ere today if not for them.” Pip’s voice caught on that last, and he had to swallow hard.

The mattress shifted and Ash’s hand cupped his cheek, forcing Pip to turn and face him. “I am so sorry, Phillip. I’ve heard the stories about Newgate. Even from the outside, it looked like hell. To sentence a mere child to that was unconscionable.” He brushed his lips against Pip’s. “Thank you for sharing that with me. But I don’t understand why you think it would change how I feel about you.”

Pip pulled away and stared at the man, trying to decide if Ash had actually heard anything he’d said or if the man had just lost his wits. He supposed he needed to speak plainer. “Because! I’m a bastard son of a whore and a convicted thief. Ye talked about yer first love being of questionable birth an’ character, well, ye don’t get much more questionable than that, do ye? Except ye
can
, and after what I were made to do at Newgate, I am.” Pip clenched his jaw as the memories threatened to make him retch. “Ye don’t get it, do ye? Do I ’ave to spell it out? The guards took bribes t’ let men in after dark, men who paid for time with the prisoners. And what they didn’t do to us, the guards themselves did, when no one were lookin’. Ye said ye were damaged, but not half so much as me. ’ow can I ever ’ave what I really want with ye, dirty and broken as I am inside?”

Pip clamped his mouth shut then, shocked at what came pouring out of him. He’d hoped all of this was buried and gone, a long time ago, but apparently not.

Ash reached for him, but Pip pulled away farther still, and eventually Ash’s hands fell back down to his sides. “Phillip, I will say it as many times as you need to hear it. I know who you are
now
. That’s what counts. The rest of it doesn’t matter beyond helping me to understand some of the wounds you’ve suffered. You may have scars, but you aren’t tainted by your past, not in my eyes. You are a bright, beautiful, vibrant,
infuriating
, and surprising man. I want whatever I can have of you.”

Pip shivered, suddenly aware of the chill in the room now that his earlier temper had fled. And when Ash reached for him this time, Pip didn’t pull away. He allowed Ash to guide him back beneath the blankets and didn’t resist when Ash curled around him from behind.

“Phillip, you told me you loved me, and I should have said this then, but I was still trying to understand all that you were throwing at me. I’ll say it now. I love you. Selfish as I know I’m being, I need you in my life. We can find a solution. If you truly want me as I want you, we can find some way. You only have to tell me what you’re willing to accept of what the world we live in will allow. I can’t change the world, but you have my word I’ll change as much as I can.”

Pip closed his eyes and pulled Ash’s arms more tightly around his chest. “I do want ye, Ash. I only want to be able to spend as much time with ye as I possibly can. And I promise to try too. I’m just not sure what we can do.”

“Perhaps, with a little time, we can figure it out.”

They both nodded off then, emotionally and physically drained. They hadn’t settled on a solution as to how they would live, but Pip felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders now that the truth was out in the open. Ash still wanted him. Ash loved him. Perhaps that would be enough and the rest wouldn’t matter so much now Pip had that to hold on to.

T
HEY
WOKE
late in the afternoon but neither of them wanted to leave the warmth and comfort of their bed until they absolutely had to. Pip decided they’d talked enough for one day, so despite the fact that they still hadn’t decided on a solution, he pounced on Ash as soon as the man was awake and didn’t stop their play until they had to dress for dinner.

Carey and Carruthers seemed to sense their mood and did not press them over much at the table. They kept the conversation light, and Pip actually had a fairly pleasant meal. Joining the stuffed shirts at their table was not as painful as he’d always imagined it would be. But after dinner, while Carruthers and Ash took a turn at the billiard table, Mr. Carey pulled Pip aside for a little talk.

“How are you really, Pip?”

“I’m all right, sir.”

Carey nodded. “You look better than you have since your return. I will assume that means that this is what you want… to go with this man?”

“It’s what I want, but… I’m not sure I know ’ow.”

“What do you mean?”

Pip was hesitant at first, knowing how private a man Ash was and wanting to respect that. But at the same time, Mr. Carey was, for all intents and purposes, family. Pip had relied on his advice for years—even if he hadn’t always heeded it—and Carey had managed to find a way to be with the man he loved, perhaps not as openly as he would have wished but enough that they both seemed happy. If anyone might be able to help, it would be him.

They took a walk to the library while Ash and Carruthers played, and when Pip was done voicing all his fears, his insecurities, and Ash’s, Carey spun on his heel and headed back to the billiard room at a fast clip without so much as a word.

Both Ash and Carruthers looked up in surprise when Carey burst into the room, Pip on his heels. Carey went immediately to the tray and poured himself a whisky before taking the decanter and refilling Ash’s glass nearly to the top.

“Right. Drink up,” Carey said as he downed what was in his glass and waited for Ash to do the same.

When Ash had finished, Carey said, “The way I see it, the two of you already know what needs to be done, but neither of you is willing to take the chance and blurt it out, so I will. If this is truly what you want, to be together, then you will need to take a new house somewhere, McNalty, someplace a good distance from both Keswick and Penrith, where your neighbors won’t know you or Pip.”

“It’ll ’ave to be a good distance indeed, given Pip’s activities over the past few years,” Stubbs muttered under his breath from the door.

Pip swung around and scowled at the man as Carey and Carruthers hid their smiles, and Ash looked at all of them in confusion.

Stubbs carried a bottle of port and another bottle of whisky with him to the tray with the decanters and glasses while Carey continued, “As I was saying, find a house. Hire new staff. Interview them yourself so you know their characters and if they can be trusted—we might be able to send out some discreet inquiries ourselves to help. Introduce Pip to everyone in the neighborhood as your personal aid. If you’ll forgive me for saying so, Major, your injury will be quite helpful there. Play up your infirmity. It would explain your needing a servant at all hours of the day and night.”

Both Pip and Ash began to object at the same time, Ash probably out of pride and Pip wanting to defend his lover’s dignity, but Mr. Carey raised an imperious hand cutting them off. “I know you both have enough pride between the two of you for ten men. But I see no other means by which your continued level of intimacy might be explained away.” He paused there, holding each of their gazes before continuing. “Pip, as much as you try to deny it, I’m certain you could manage the pretense of being the man’s companion or secretary—although you’ve never been particularly interested in remaining indoors all day—but there would be no reason for you to be in the major’s bedchamber at all hours if you weren’t his servant. Make your position too low or too high and you put more distance between you. Not only that, but if you’re the man’s companion, you’d be expected to make calls with him in the neighborhood, creating more opportunities for a slip up.” Carey swung to face Ash. “And
you
, Major, if I were in your place, I’d play the bloody invalid to the hilt and damn my pride if it got me what I wanted. It is what you want, is it not?”

“Yes.”

“Then what does it matter if your neighbors think you more injured than you actually are? You know the truth of it and so does Pip.”

“But who’d ever be daft enough to believe me a gentleman’s aid, whatever that is?” Pip blurted out.

Carey swung to face him with that damned eyebrow cocked. “Pip, I will ask you only once more. This is what you want, isn’t it?”

“Aye.”

“Then it’s time for you to stop dithering about and live up to your potential. You know you are fully capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. So set your mind to this, and quit making excuses.”

“But… what would I do with meself all day?” Pip asked plaintively, all of his other objections seeming pitiful and unfounded in the face of Carey’s obvious confidence in him.

Carey gave him a smirk that clearly said, “Do you really need me to answer that?” And Pip rolled his eyes as Ash coughed uncomfortably into his fist.

“Ye know what I mean,” Pip said petulantly.

Carey waved a dismissive hand. “Do as you choose. I would recommend you keep your staff small, Major, as you did in Keswick. I don’t know that you’ll be as lucky as we are with our Maud and Stubbs here. But hopefully we can find you someone loyal and discreet enough. There will still be plenty of work to be done, and, Pip, you could spend as much time as you wished out of doors. You would both simply establish from the start that you had the right to be above stairs whenever the major might need you. That’s all. Not much else would have to change.”

Carey made it all sound so easy, but he wouldn’t be the one pulling it off. Pip didn’t like the labels of servant and master still hanging between him and Ash, but the plan had merit. And if he were honest with himself, Pip didn’t truly want to be raised too high in station anyway. He would be much more comfortable as a servant in the house. He’d loathe paying calls.