Never a Road Without a Turning (11 page)

Her lips twisted, not at all improving her appearance. “Hmph. As long as it didn’t have anything to do with the dairymaids on that farm. Remember my warning. The master may have allowed you more license of late, but he will not tolerate any more trouble from you, ill or no. Mark my words.”

She swept out of the room in a great rustling of soot gray bombazine, and Pip slumped back into his pillows, drawing the blankets over his head in hopes the world would forget him for a time.

O
VER
THE
next two days, Pip did little but read, eat, and sleep. He was more exhausted than he realized, unable to stay awake for more than an hour or so at a stretch. But even with plenty of rest and his choice of novels from the major’s library, he couldn’t completely distract himself from the turmoil in his head.

At least the major never did come to check on him. Pip was thankful for that because he had no earthly idea what he would say the next time they met. The mere thought made his head ache and his stomach threaten to return whatever of Mrs. Applethwaite’s fine cooking it possessed. Part of him hoped the major would simply ignore him from then on, and Pip could pretend nothing had happened between them. He could go back to his duties, and it would be as if the past few days had never happened. Another part… well, he refused to let that part have any say in the matter whatsoever.

Selective memory and outright denial seemed like the best course for all concerned and by the third day of his convalescence, Pip had almost convinced himself that was the truth—nothing
had
happened. Unfortunately for him, the lie shattered the first time he stumbled outside for a bit of fresh air and came across the major brushing the horse in the barn. Pip’s stomach flipped at the mere sight of him, and he cursed himself under his breath for his weakness.

He stood frozen outside the stall, watching as the major whispered gentle words to the horse while one of the man’s elegant hands ran the brush over its back. The major’s deep voice and assured movements made the hairs on Pip’s neck stand on end, and he shivered. He would have slunk back the way he came, but the major noticed him before he could make his escape.

The major cleared his throat uncomfortably into the heavy silence between them. “I see you’re back on your feet at last, Phillip. How are you feeling?”

Pip shuffled from foot to foot, staring anywhere but at the man’s unnerving eyes. “I’m well enough, sir, thanks. I can return to me duties. There’s no need for ye to do that,” he replied, nodding toward the brush still in his hand.

“Yes, well, you should perhaps not tax yourself too greatly until you are fully recovered. I’ve actually enjoyed having something to fill my days. It was wrong of me not to show more appreciation for my brother’s gift before this.” The major paused for a moment before he straightened his shoulders and lifted his chin. After drawing in a long breath he said, “I have perhaps overindulged in a great many things I shouldn’t of late. I, ah, regret any…
discomfort
I may have caused you, Phillip. I know I am fully to blame for what happened. You have my assurance that nothing of the kind will
ever
happen again, and I would take it as a great favor if you would not speak of it to anyone.”

The major’s posture was all pride and noble bearing, but Pip knew him well enough to see the cracks around the edges. He could have made the man suffer a bit for what he’d put Pip through, but he didn’t. He was anxious to be done with the whole affair. He didn’t like the thoughts and feelings it stirred up, and he wanted to forget it as much, if not more than, the major did. “Of course, sir.”

The major eyed him warily, as if he expected Pip to say more. But Pip couldn’t think of anything else, and eventually the man nodded curtly. “Thank you.” He set the brush on top of the gate to the stall, grabbed his walking stick, and left the barn, his back stiff and his shoulders straight. When he finally disappeared inside the house, Pip let out a relieved breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. He slumped against the wall of the barn, suddenly exhausted, and a long time passed before he dredged up the energy to finish seeing to the horse and return to his bed.

O
VER
THE
following week, Pip’s strength returned slowly. Despite the major’s words about appreciating his brother’s gift, Pip didn’t see him in the barn again after his first day out of bed. In fact, Pip didn’t see him at all. The major didn’t go out even for his evening walks, and Pip wasn’t called once to the library to read.

He hadn’t truly expected to be, and he should have been relieved that he wouldn’t have to be alone with the man, but instead, he was strangely saddened by it. It seemed unfair that he should be deprived of something he enjoyed when he had done nothing wrong.

As it usually did, his hurt turned to anger fairly quickly. Pip hated being ignored above all things, even if the rational part of him argued that he didn’t want the gentleman’s company anyway. It didn’t help matters that he couldn’t get that night out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried.

And the kiss.

Despite all of his denials and his efforts to the contrary, Pip thought about that kiss often. He even dreamt of it once or twice, but he couldn’t bring himself to face those dreams in the bright light of day. For the life of him, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t just let what happened between them go. He didn’t dwell on… well,
anything
really, and it was only a bloody kiss.

Why did it matter if Pip had enjoyed it at the start? There was no shame in that. A kiss was meant to be a pleasant thing, and men’s lips were not so different from women’s. Such intercourse was next door to a mortal sin, of course, but Pip was hardly one to cast stones in that regard. He was well acquainted with sin and did not hold out much hope for the fate of his immortal soul. And besides, Master Carey and Master Carruthers were
that way
with each another, even if Pip had never seen the proof of it himself, and he didn’t honestly believe them damned for the way they were.

The major had promised to never do it again. Pip believed him. The matter should have been settled. But he found no comfort in that as he shuffled through his duties each day and sat in front of the kitchen fire each night, part of him hoping for the bell to ring for him and part of him dreading it.

When Pip did finally get a glimpse of the major again, he was dismayed by what he saw. Mrs. Applethwaite’s husband was asleep by the fire as usual when the housekeeper was summoned by the master’s bell—a single ring, not two. After she left, Pip decided to retire, but before he took a step, the housekeeper came hurrying back into the kitchen obviously troubled. She went to her husband first but seemed to think better of it when she saw Pip standing in the hall that led to his room.

“Oh Pip, the master is… unwell again. I need your help to get him to his bed before he catches a chill. Are you recovered enough from your illness?”

Pip nodded despite the sudden twist in his belly. He followed her to the library where he found the major slumped awkwardly in his chair, a nearly empty tumbler dangling from his fingers. His face was haggard, pale and sallow in the lamplight. His normally well-trimmed sideburns were uneven, his chin and upper lip dark with whiskers. His cheeks looked hollow beneath the dark rings that shadowed his eyes. Feeling a sudden surge of sadness, Pip gently took the glass from his hand and set it on the table before draping the man’s arm over his shoulders and helping him to his feet. The major stirred a little and mumbled, but Pip couldn’t understand him.

Despite Pip’s brave words to the housekeeper, he was utterly exhausted by the time they got the man to his bed. Pip had barely been able to manage the task when he was hale and healthy. He couldn’t imagine what made him think he could do it now. But he managed, if only just.

As before, he told Mrs. Applethwaite to leave and when he’d recovered a little, he set to work getting his master out of his jacket and cravat, keeping his mind utterly blank as he worked. When that was finished, Pip knelt and reached for the major’s boot with hands that shook despite his efforts to control them. He pulled the one boot off the major’s good leg and was fighting with himself over whether to try to remove the false leg this time when one of his wrists was caught in a painful grip. “Don’t.”

Startled, Pip looked up to find the major watching him, the man’s bloodshot silver eyes filled with anguish. “Go. Please, just go,” the major whispered, his jaw clenched so tight Pip could see the muscle jumping.

“I were only trying to ’elp, sir.”

The major closed his eyes and turned his face away, allowing Pip’s wrist to drop from his grip. “I know. But I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want… you to see.”

Shame was written plainly across the major’s face despite the fact that he tried to hide it, and Pip ached for him. “You’ve no reason to be ashamed, sir. Aren’t many who can say they’ve done what you ’ave and lived to tell about it after. Let me ’elp ye.”

Pip reached out only to have his hand knocked away when the major tried to stand up. The man clutched the foot of the bed as he swayed on his feet, but Pip dared not reach for him again. Fury blazed in his eyes now, and Pip actually took a step back from it. “Don’t patronize me. I don’t need your help. Can’t you see you only make it worse… looking at you and knowing… knowing what I’ll never have, what I’ll never
be
again. Having perfection so close….” The major slumped back down onto the bed and buried his face in his hands, all the fight gone out of him.

Pip stayed where he was, hurt and confused by all the emotions roiling inside him. “Tell me what to do,” Pip whispered.

The major sighed and shook his head. “Nothing, Phillip. There’s nothing.”

Pip took a few steps forward then and stopped in front of him, unable to leave him as he was. He stood like that for a long time, laboring to breathe against the bands that were squeezing his chest. The major made no move to meet his gaze, and Pip found himself staring at the man’s bent head, following the waves of dark blond hair to the thick muscle of his neck and then down to where it disappeared beneath his shirt. Time seemed to stop, and Pip had no idea how long he stood there like that before the major finally lifted his head and stared back, searching Pip’s face. Whatever he saw there erased some of the lines of anguish from around his eyes and he sat up straighter on the bed, letting his hands fall to his lap.

“Why are you still here, Phillip?” the major asked quietly.

“I don’t know.” He felt lost, as if he were being carried away and he had nothing to hold on to. He stared back at the major, silently begging him to help.

The major closed his eyes for the briefest moments before locking gazes with Pip again. Ever so slowly, he reached out a trembling hand until his fingertips brushed the hem of Pip’s waistcoat. Pip took one shaky breath in and held it, but didn’t back away, even when he felt one of the major’s fingers push beneath the wool and hook in the waist of his trousers, then gently draw him forward.

“If you won’t leave, then there must be a reason you want to stay,” the major murmured, his deep voice resonating low in Pip’s belly.

Pip swallowed and expelled the breath he’d been holding. His heart raced, but he didn’t know whether from fear or something else. A gentle tug was all it took to bring Pip forward another step, until he was standing between the major’s thighs. Then the major unhooked his finger and dragged it ever so slowly down the placket of Pip’s trousers, tracing the outline of Pip’s hardening cock through the coarse wool. Pip jerked as sensation shot up his spine like lightning and his breath caught. The major froze, watching and waiting for Pip to make the next move. But somehow, knowing he could walk away made it impossible for Pip to leave, and when the major reached up to undo the buttons of his placket, Pip did nothing to stop him.

As each button was undone, Pip’s cock throbbed in anticipation and after an eternity, the major reached inside, lifting Pip’s shirt out of the way, and pulled Pip’s cock through the opening in his drawers. Pip gasped as the warmth of the man’s hand contrasted sharply with the cold air in the bedchamber, and he moaned when the major leaned forward and engulfed his crown in his hot, wet mouth.

Pip stared, transfixed, unwilling and unable to look away, as his cock disappeared, sliding deeper into that moist cavern. The major’s tongue swirled around his length, painting patterns on his skin, and Pip had to grab the foot of the bed when his knees threatened to give out. The major’s strong hand gripped his hip, but Pip felt it only distantly. Nearly all of his attention was taken up by what the man was doing with his mouth and the warm palm that slipped beneath to cup and roll his ballocks.

The major was no inexperienced maid. He took Pip all the way to the root before pulling back and starting the whole agonizingly perfect journey over again. Too soon, Pip was trembling with need, fighting every instinct to thrust his hips in time with the rhythm of that mouth. When Pip could hold still no longer, he cupped the back of the man’s head, threading his fingers through the soft waves of blond hair, and thrust his hips gently, hoping the major would understand his need and work his prick harder and faster.