Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller (8 page)

"No it won’t." He sounded like he was
trying to convince himself he wanted to hear it. "That’s what all
the psychologists and counsellors say. You wait. They’ll tell you
it’s good to get it out and your heart will feel lighter."

Lightening my heart to burden yours?
Not likely.

"Nathan," I began, wanting to ask about
his nightmares. Did he dream of me or his sister? Both of us?

He looked like he was ready to cry and
I could feel tears on my own cheeks. I sucked in a breath as I held
out my arms, offering him a hug. The least comfort I could give
him.

"I can’t, Nathan, not yet. I can’t tell
you all the horrors that happened – you already have enough to deal
with…" His arms tightened around me, as if he were desperately
seeking some sort of solace. I wish I had some to offer him, but I
was the wrong person for that. I could only offer darkness.

Part 24

"I’m Detective McGuinness. We need a
statement from you, Miss Lockyer." The detective was an older man
who looked sympathetic and understanding. He hadn’t trusted this to
any underling – he wanted to be the one who asked me questions. "I
understand this will be upsetting for you, but we need your
assistance to catch the people who did this to you."

I nodded, thinking,
Don’t you dare
leave.
Somehow during the night I'd decided I needed Nathan. I
reached for Nathan’s hand, but I couldn’t feel a damn thing through
the bandages today. I looked down, carefully placing my fingers
between Nathan’s as I held his hand. I could feel a faint pressure
as his fingers curled around mine.

I looked up and found Detective
McGuinness’ eyes on our linked hands. He cleared his throat and
looked at Nathan. "Mr Miller, I’ll have to ask you to leave or at
least step outside."

NO!

Nathan stood up, but I wasn’t letting
go of his hand. I could feel the pain in my fingers as he tugged on
them, but I gritted my teeth and looked away, determined not to let
go.

What do I do? Let him go? Tell this
detective everything?

No, no, NO!

"I’m sorry? You won’t give a statement
yet?" Detective McGuinness said suddenly.

Oh shit. I must have said it aloud and
not realised.

I hesitated a second before I looked at
the detective. "I’ll make a statement now, but I want Nathan to
stay."

Detective McGuinness looked at me with
pity in his eyes, before he turned his gaze to Nathan and his
expression hardened. "Mr Miller is a suspect in this matter and we
would prefer that your statement is made privately, so you feel
safe and don’t hold back information. Your statement will remain
confidential."

You want to take Nathan away from me
before I can defend myself. I don’t trust you. I’ll hold back
anything I damn well like from you. You seriously think I’m stupid
enough to let a man who hurt me get anywhere near me? I’m not
telling you a damn thing.
I realised I wasn’t ready to give up
Nathan.

I glared at the detective and weighed
my words carefully. "Officer, I’ll never feel safe until I know
every one of those bastards can’t touch me again. And I’ll never
feel safe alone with a police officer after one of them shot at
me."

He winced at this and glanced down at
my legs, before meeting my eyes again. His gaze was steady.

"Nathan..." I started to say.

The detective jerked his head, his eyes
narrowing as they fixed on Nathan.

I bet he thinks Nathan’s threatened
me with something and he won’t back down until he gets Nathan out
of the room.
He’ll push us until Nathan leaves and he has me
alone...what if he tries to hurt me and Nathan doesn’t come back?
Haven’t I been through enough already?

As I felt the tears build, hopelessness
set in. My voice squeaked a little as the tears started to flow.
"Nathan shouldn’t be a suspect in this. He never...He didn’t...He’s
about the only person who hasn’t hurt me."

I reached for a tissue automatically
with my free hand.

Nathan, please help me out here,
I thought desperately, releasing his hand to reach for a tissue
with the other bandaged hand, too.

Relieved, I watched Nathan pull out
some tissues for me.

Now show him you’re my caregiver
when I’m helpless, not the violent threatening bastard he thinks
you are,
I begged Nathan with my eyes.
Please...

For the second time in as many days,
Nathan helped me to wipe the tears off my face and blow my nose.
His expression held only concern.

I glanced at the detective. His eyes
were on Nathan and he looked thoughtful.

I made my voice quiet and sad. "I can’t
use my hands and I can barely stand, let alone walk. I feel so
helpless one of these pillows would probably be an effective weapon
against me." As the detective looked back at me I tried to smile,
but I just didn’t feel it. "I know I need to make a statement so
you can catch the people who did this to me, no matter how upset
talking about it will make me feel. I’ll do it, however many tears
it takes, but please don’t make me do this alone."

Alone. I don’t want to be alone.
As the tears came to my eyes again, I looked from the detective to
Nathan, begging both of them for help.

To my surprise, the first voice I heard
was Nathan’s. "If you want me to stay, I’ll be here for you." He
sat down carefully on the bed beside me, taking my hand.

Detective McGuinness just looked at us,
not saying anything.

I tried again. "I don't know how long
it will take before I'm strong enough to tell this story without
someone to support me. I don't even know if I can. I want you to
catch them and I want to help you do it. I want to know they can't
touch me and that I'll be safe as soon as possible. Please – let me
use the little courage I have left before it's gone to tell this
story now. I don't know when I'll be brave enough to attempt it
again."
Slowly, slowly.
I forced myself to look down at my
lap, hugging my arms to my chest.

An arm snaked around my shoulder and I
let out a little gasp of surprise, before I relaxed at the sound of
Nathan’s voice in my ear. "I promised I won't let them hurt you
again. They won't touch you – you'll be safe."

Three times. That’s three times today
Nathan’s come to my rescue, two more than I’d counted on. If he
cares about my wellbeing so much, I don’t want to give him up
yet.

I heard Detective McGuinness clear his
throat and I held my breath. "I think that if you’d like to make
your statement with him present, under the circumstances, you can
do so. Provided, of course, that Mr Miller doesn’t interrupt or
interfere in any way."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank
you." Then I proceeded to tell him…nothing.

Part 25

Dark – Mike – Chris – Kiss – Sorry –
Bastard

Mike's laughter died away as Chris lay
like a dead weight on top of me. Maybe he's dead, I thought,
hoping.

I squirmed, trying to push him off.
"Get off me."

"Shh." He held my wrists with one hand
and pressed the other over my mouth.

No such luck.

He didn't do anything else, though, for
a long moment. My tears trickled into my hair. He hadn't hurt me
yet and I was crying already. I sniffled, wishing I could wipe the
tears away.

He turned his face toward me at the
sound. He shifted again, up and off me, backing away until he hit
the door. Closed, of course. He knocked over the torch as he slid
down the door to slump to the floor. He lifted his head to look at
me, clapping both hands to his mouth as if he were going to be
sick. I heard him say, "Oh God, I’m so sorry," in a desperate
rush.

I sat up, hugging my knees to my chest.
My tears still flowed freely. I wiped my nose on my sleeve. "Why?"
I whispered. I couldn't stop shaking.

"They'll hurt my family if I don’t do
what I'm told," he said in a dead voice.

"If you don't hurt me?" I asked, a
little louder.

"Yes. And I can't do it." He buried his
face in his hands again.

"I'll say you're a brutal, callous,
raping bastard if anyone asks me," I offered. I meant it, too.

Shakily, he replied, "Thanks."

Part 26

“I’ll go get the laptop now – I’ll be
an hour, tops. Will you be okay for that long without me?” Nathan
asked, looking worried.

I shrugged and summoned a small smile,
despite secretly wondering if he thought my sheets would turn
sentient and strangle me in his absence. “I’ll be fine.”

Carol came in. “Time for physio!” she
sang out. “Your doctor pulled some strings and persuaded one of our
best physiotherapists to take you on, though she barely had space
for any more new patients.”

Nathan stopped dead. “The laptop can
wait.”

I ignored him. “Which one?” I asked
Carol.

Her smile widened. “Althea. I heard she
asked for a very personal favour from the doctor as payment,
though. And he turned up this morning looking like he hadn’t slept,
so we’re all wondering just how personal it got last night...” Her
laughter was wicked.

I didn’t believe it. “But he’s
married...” I objected.

She shrugged. “You ask her. Maybe
she’ll tell you.”

“
Nathan,” I said
suddenly. “You go get that laptop. It’ll be okay.”

He shook his head. “What if she hurts
you?”

I tried to smile, but I think all I
managed was a sick grimace. “She’s a physio. She’s supposed to hurt
me a little in order to help me get better. It’s probably best that
you’re not here for that. After the session, all I’ll want to do is
rest, which I can do if I’m telling you what happened so you can
write it down.”

He bit his lip. “Are you sure?”

I forced myself to nod.

“
Then I’ll be as
quick as I can,” he replied, hurrying out of the room.

I felt a twinge of fear, but I brushed
it away. Nathan wouldn’t have left me unguarded.

“
Don’t you get sick
of having him here constantly?” Carol asked.

I shook my head. “I like him. When he’s
here, I feel safe. That’s a lot for me.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “I wish you
didn’t need it, but it’s good he’s so devoted to you.”

You have no idea.

“
You must be
Caitlin.”

I didn’t recognise the musical voice
that spoke the words, nor the tall, African woman who entered the
room.

I nodded.

Carol smiled. “I’ll leave you two for
your session.” She left quickly.

“
You must be Althea,”
I replied.

She laughed. “I am indeed. My husband
said you needed the very best of care, but because of the trauma
you’ve been through, you wouldn’t trust a physio you hadn’t met. So
he asked me to take care of you and I promised I would.”

“
Your husband?” I
asked, mystified.

“
Your doctor,” she
replied with a smile. “We haven’t told many people at work. He
wants to keep his personal life separate. Something about how he
was engaged to marry another girl and she left him. He said
everyone looked at him with such pity he couldn’t stand it and he
didn’t want to jinx us. So, it’s a secret few people know. You were
there the day he proposed, so I thought you knew.”

I drew a blank and it embarrassed me.
“I’m really sorry, but I don’t remember ever meeting you
before.”

Her laughter was deep and infectious. I
wanted to hear it again. “We were trapped in a lift together once.
You fainted in the heat. I’m not surprised you don’t remember it.
He didn’t propose until after he made sure you were okay. His
patients always come first, even before me.” She nodded fiercely,
evidently proud of her husband. “Now. Tell me about your injuries,
so I can help you like I promised.”

My hands she dismissed until later,
when I no longer needed the bandages. My legs were another matter –
and the subject of much poking, prodding and manipulation, before
she started giving me exercises to help strengthen my muscles.

“
How often should I
do them?” I asked eagerly.

“
At least once a day,
if you can,” she replied.

I met her eyes. “You know the men who
did this are still hunting me, right? I need to recover as fast as
I can – I need to be able to defend myself. I have all the time in
the world while I’m stuck in bed. How often can I do them, without
doing myself further damage?”

She must have seen my determination.
“You can do a set or two every hour, but make sure you take breaks
in between and stop if it hurts. You don’t need to push yourself
that hard.”

“
I do. It’ll hurt far
more if they get their hands on me again. I won’t let that
happen.”

She smiled sadly. “Good luck with that,
honey. You take care and I’ll see you for another session in a few
days.”

As soon as she’d left, I started my
exercises again. I couldn’t get my strength back fast enough.

Part 27

Nathan placed a pastel pink laptop by
my lunch tray.

I looked at him, wondering how he’d
come to choose a pink computer. I hadn’t thought he was gay, but
who knew? Maybe the sleazy manner was an act to hide where his
tastes really lay.

He saw me looking from the laptop to
him and he started to explain quickly.

"It’s my sister’s old laptop. She
doesn’t need it any more. You can borrow this as long as you need
to, so you can record what you remember."

I nodded, trying to steel myself.

I could have said I lost my nerve, as
he took an inordinately long time setting up the laptop, plugging
it in, turning it on and waiting for it to boot up. I could have
said the sheer trauma and pain had made my memories hazy and I
experienced some sort of amnesia. But I didn’t.