Nameless (55 page)

“Right,” she
said bitterly, stifling a flood of tears. “It meant so much that you went out
the next day and fucked some other woman. How moving.”

Seth sighed,
and something on his face changed. “Erin,” he began, reaching out to cup her
cheek with his hand.

Erin yanked his
hand away from her, hating the feel of its warmth and strength against her
cheek. “What exactly do you expect to happen now? If you were hoping to push me
into something with this, then you’re woefully mistaken. You’re a free man, and
you can do what you want. I know you didn't do this on purpose to hurt me, and
I guess I can understand why you did it at all. But there’s no way I can
continue the way we were after this. I’m not saying we can’t be friends and
partners with Mackenzie, but things are going to be different from now on. I
can't have sex with you, if you're fucking someone else.”

“Erin,” Seth
said again, his voice making it sound as if he were trying to get her
attention.

“Maybe I
shouldn’t be so affected by this. I know you’ve been waiting a long time and
haven’t gotten anything to show for it. But that was always your choice.” Her
anger was starting to fade now, and she was on the verge of breaking into the
tears that had been lingering from the beginning. “I trusted you.”

“Erin,” Seth
said one more time, taking her face in both of his hands. Before she could pull
away again, he held her gaze deeply with his. “I didn’t have sex with Karla
last night.”

Erin thought
for a moment that she might actually be sick. The whole world was spinning
chaotically around her. “What?” she whispered helplessly.

“I didn’t have
sex with her last night,” he repeated, his hands firm against her face. “You
were right. I couldn’t have done that after what happened between us on
Saturday night. I couldn't have done that at all—feeling the way I feel about
you. Your faith in me wasn’t misplaced.”

“But…you said...”

“I never said anything.
You just assumed I’d done it.” He shook his head slowly. “I did date her
briefly a year and a half ago, but I haven’t even seen her in months. That
picture must be old. That woman is trying to make a story out of nothing for
her blog. That’s what she does.”

“But...but...you
didn’t deny it. You let me think...” A flood of recognition slammed into her. “You
bastard! You knew all this time what I thought. And you let me think—”

“You were
already thinking it. I didn’t have to say a word.”

She was almost
sobbing with relief, and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against
him. “Oh, baby, I can’t believe you really thought I would do something like
that,” he said hoarsely. “Don’t you know me at all?”

“I didn’t think
you would. But then…then… You could have let me know right away.” She spoke
wetly, into his jacket.

His arms
tightened around her. “I know. I’m sorry. I was desperate.”

Her mind was
too befuddled to sort out what exactly he meant by that. She just relished the
release of all the trauma, relished the feel of Seth’s warm, firm body against
hers, the feel of his arms surrounding her.

The assurance
that he hadn't fucked that other woman.

The certainty
that he was still hers.

Her storm of
emotions didn’t last very long, so soon she was able to pull herself away from
him.  “That was an unexpected emotional ordeal that I wasn’t remotely prepared
for, but at least it didn’t last very long.”

Seth cleared
his throat. “I’m not sure I’m ready to put this behind us yet.”

“What do you
mean?”

Something new
entered Seth’s eyes—smoldering beneath the blue depths. It wasn’t lust, but it
was just as hot, intense, and exhilarating. “I’d like to talk a little more
about how you reacted just now.”

Erin gulped. “You
would?”

He nodded, an
intimate smile flickering on his lips. “Tell me again exactly why I should
believe you don’t love me.”

“What?”

“Think about
how you reacted just now. How you felt and why you felt that way. And then tell
me you don’t love me.”

 “Seth—”

“I’m serious.
Think about it.”

She rolled her
eyes, since he sounded a little bossy, but she made herself think back over how
she’d felt, the horrible intensity of it.

Then she thought
about what all those feelings might imply.

Then thought
about how she’d felt when she believed he’d given himself to another woman.

Then thought
about the last week, the last month, the last year, all of the days since Mac’s
funeral.

For so long,
she’d been convinced that she was completely free—that nothing and no one could
control her. Her strongholds had kept her safe.

But something
was controlling her after all.

“Damn it,” she
gritted out, genuinely annoyed by this unexpected turn of events. “When did
that
happen?”

To her
surprise, Seth threw his head back and laughed, and he was still laughing when
he pulled her back into his arms.

She had no idea
what to do, what to say, what to feel—so she just hugged him back.

At least it was
mutual.

He was hers, as
much as she was his.

But, as she
reveled in his desperate grip, she experienced a sudden flare of panic.

She’d thought
she loved Marcus too, and she’d given up everything for that love. Her career.
Her independence. Her sense of self.

She
couldn’t—she just couldn’t—give up all of that again.

And Seth had
just manipulated her, a little, by letting her believe for several minutes that
he’d slept with someone else.

He was the same
man he’d always been, and loving him would never be perfectly safe.

Her strongholds
might not be able to survive.

Her mouth went
dry, and she wanted to pull away from his clutching hold, but she just wasn’t
willing to hurt him like that.

Trying
desperately to reconcile so many conflicting feelings, she forced herself not
to panic.

She and Seth
had made it through everything else they’d faced. They would be all right in
this too.

She did love him—if
only she could do it without giving everything else up.

A few minutes
later, when Seth finally released her, they moved to the couch.

Erin thought
she’d pulled it together enough to talk coherently. “I don’t want you to get
too excited,” she said, trying very hard to be honest and reasonable both.

Seth looked
flabbergasted. “Why shouldn’t I be excited? Do you have any idea how long I’ve
been wait—”

“I know. I
know. And I guess I really do love you, even though I don’t know exactly how it
happened.” She felt blurry and happy and terrified—all at the same time. “But
it doesn’t change everything. I’m not ready to jump into anything…anything
permanent. This is still really new to me, and I don’t want to rush things.”

“We don’t have
to rush anything.”

She studied his
face closely, saw nothing but a fire of passion that might burn her alive. She
wondered if that fire had always been present. Or if she’d just finally come to
know him well enough to recognize it for what it was.

Wondered again
how she’d ever believed this man was cold and heartless—when the heat, the
emotion, leashed beneath his polished surface was threatening to scorch her
into ashes.

It would consume
her. All of her. All of her strongholds. Until there was nothing left.

She wanted the
fire, but she didn’t want to be consumed.

“Seth, I do
love you. I do.”

“Good.” He
reached out and cupped her face with one hand.

She leaned into
it briefly and then pulled it down and twisted her hand with his. “But I don’t
think we should move too fast.”

“I said we
don’t have to rush anything.”

“I know. But
are you sure? Are you sure that’s okay? I don’t want to lead you on or—”

“Erin, you’ve
never led me on. Admitting love doesn’t necessarily mean we’re together for the
rest of our lives. I’m not stupid, you know.”

“I know. So
you’re sure you’re fine if we just take it day by day?”

“Of course.”

“I’m not ready
to move in with you or any—”

He arched an
eyebrow in an expression that was both adorable and obnoxious. “Have you heard
me even ask you to move in?”

“And I’m not
ready for a commitment. Is that all right?”

“Yes,” he
began, stretching the word out longer than normal. “But we’d be together for
real, right? We’d commit to at least not dating anyone else?”

She stiffened.
“Of course.”

“Good.” He
smiled, the momentary tension in his shoulder softening. “Then I’m perfectly
happy taking it day by day.”

She squeezed
his hand, relaxing at last as she saw that he meant it.

Maybe this
didn’t have to consume her after all. She could love him and still have enough of
her strongholds to be safe.

“Because I want
to be with you but I don’t want to—”

“Erin, stop.”
He reached over for her and pulled her onto his lap until she was straddling
his hips. “There’s no pressure. No guilt. Just hearing you say you love me is
better than anything I could ever imagine, and you’re dragging me down from my
high with all of this angsting. Can we please just enjoy what we have?”

“Sounds good to
me.” She laughed warmly and kissed him. Started rubbing her body against his, a
deep pressure building up inside her—centered in her heart and between her legs.

The panic had
subsided behind her defenses. She was fine. This was fine.

She was allowed
to love him this way.

Smiling against
his lips, she asked, “So, does this mean we can have a lot more sex?”

“I certainly
hope so,” he replied, one hand moving up to her breast. “I’ve been rather deprived
on that level recently.”

“So have I,” Erin
agreed, stroking down his chest and belly until she found his groin. Discovered
he was starting to harden. “Twice in six months.”

Seth grunted
and leaned his head back against the sofa, watching her with deep, tender eyes.
“Four times in nine months,” he added. “Hopefully, now we can start making up
for lost time.”

“Definitely.” Erin
was growing more and more aroused, just from gazing down at his hot, relaxed
form. “So should we do it on the couch? And I get to be on top?”

He smiled. “If
you want.”

She rubbed
herself against his hard groin, and she had pushed off his jacket and was just
starting to unbutton his shirt when she heard a sound that was most unwelcome.

Mackenzie started
to wail from the nursery.

Erin slumped
against him and grew still, listening intently. “Please, pumpkin. Not now.
Please not now.”

Mackenzie kept
squalling.

“Should we
check on her?” Seth asked, his voice slightly stiff.

“Let’s wait for
a minute. Sometimes she’ll settle down and fall back to sleep.”

They waited, Erin
still straddling Seth and his hands still cupping her ass.

But the baby’s
cries didn’t get any softer. In fact, they became more intense until Erin
recognized them as anguish.

Every instinct
in her body screamed at her to go to her daughter, so Erin untangled herself
from Seth. “Poor thing. I better check on her.”

She stumbled
the first few steps, still totally caught up in their previous embrace.
Glancing back at his slouching form, she murmured, “If I’d known we were going
to...to get together this evening, I would have gotten a babysitter.”

***

Mackenzie had a very bad case of
diarrhea.

It was a few
hours later when they were finally able to put her back to bed—after having
cleaned up quite a mess and a couple more messes that followed, comforted her,
and made sure she wasn’t still sick.

Erin told Seth
he could go on home afterwards, but he wouldn’t leave. So she showered first. Then,
while he showered, she turned out most of the lights in her bedroom and crawled
into bed, feeling both restless and almost at peace. Unable to fully process
everything that had happened—the trauma, the admission of love, a very sick
baby—Erin lay in a kind of stupor, just on the edge of sleep.

A few minutes
later, Seth came into the dark bedroom. Erin was on her side, facing the
opposite direction, but she heard him approach the bed. Then felt the mattress
shift as he got under the covers beside her.

He rolled over
until he was spooning her from behind, one of his arms draped over her.

She grabbed his
forearm and hugged it against her chest. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he
replied, a smile in his voice.

“I’m not sure
I’m up for sex tonight,” she said reluctantly. “I was, but after Mackenzie, and
all the diapers, and—”

“It’s okay.”
His bare chest was warm against the back of her shoulders. “We can just sleep
if you’d like.”

Pressing a kiss
into his palm, Erin felt another wash of guilt and worry. Began, “Seth, are you
sure it’s all right that I’m not ready—”

“Stop,” he said
curtly. “This is what I want.
You
are what I want.”

Erin released a
long breath. “I want you too.”

Then she just
lay with Seth and wondered how the universe had given her this.

It wasn’t
perfect. Wasn’t a fairytale or some sappy, romantic story. She still felt a
glimmer of panic whenever she thought about what loving this man might mean,
how much of herself she would have to give up.

But this was still
good. Seemed right. Made her happy.

And evidently
made Seth happy too.

She felt him
shifting behind her. Felt his bare legs sliding against hers.

Then felt
something different in the heat of his body—something tense and coiled.

Started to
wonder if he had any clothes on.

“Are you
naked?” she inquired, reaching down under the covers so she could feel at his
hip.