Nameless (49 page)

After walking
for an hour, she felt a lot better. So she bought a cup of coffee and started
back home

On her way
home, she passed a cemetery. The cemetery where Mac was buried. Where she’d
first talked to Seth—more than fifteen months ago now.

There was a
blue, luxury car parked half on the drive and half on the grass.

She recognized
it.

Following her
impulse, she turned into the driveway and parked behind the other car.

She got out and
walked over toward Mac’s grave, where someone was already standing.

Someone she
recognized very well.

Seth’s back was
to her, but his broad-shouldered, erect figure and almost auburn hair were
impossible to mistake.

She paused,
wondering if he wanted privacy, but something about the slight hunch in his
shoulders made her continue.

Erin had no
idea what Seth was doing at this grave on a random Saturday afternoon.

Not sure how to
announce her presence, Erin didn’t say anything as she approached. She was
about eight feet away when he said, without turning around, “What are you doing
here?”

She couldn’t
tell from his voice whether or not he was glad she was there.

“I don’t really
know.” she began, coming to a stop beside him. “I was just driving back to my
dad’s and saw your car.”

Seth’s eyes
were focused on the simple gravestone. “You didn’t mention you were coming out
here when we talked yesterday.”

Erin wasn’t
sure if there was a reproach in his words or not, but she felt compelled to
explain. “I would have told you if I'd known beforehand. I didn’t realize I was
coming until after work. I just wanted to see my dad.”

“And get away
for a while.”

“Yeah.” Something
about Seth’s face at the moment was tight and wounded, although his expression
showed absolutely no emotion. “Are you all right?”

For the first
time, Seth turned his head to look at her. “Of course.”

He was lying to
her. Hiding, as he always did.

Erin didn’t
want him to always have to hide. “Why are
you
here?” she asked softly,
the last word catching in her throat, mostly from the anxiety of asking such an
intimate question.

“I should think
it was obvious. Visiting Mac’s grave.”

“Do you come
here a lot?”

“No.”

Her reason told
her to stop now. Not to push this. Not to venture into territory that was too
private, too risky. But something inside her wanted this, wanted to know him
deeply, wanted to share even more with him.

“Why come
today
?”

Seth shrugged. “Why
not?”

“What kind of
answer is that?”

“It’s the only
one I have.”

And that was
answer enough.

Obviously,
about this, Seth wasn’t ready to open up to her.

It was fine. Expected.
Nothing to regret. Nothing to be hurt about.

The lump in Erin’s
throat was purely incidental.

“I’m staying
here all weekend,” she remarked, deciding she might as well change the subject,
since her attempt at bonding had been rebuffed.

Seth nodded. Said
nothing.

Releasing a
breath, Erin persisted, even though she now wanted to run back to her car and
drive away from this tense conversation as quickly as she could.

“Are you going
back to the city today?” she asked, searching for something normal to say.

Seth turned to
look at her again. “I wasn’t planning on it. Why?”

 “I thought, if
you were sticking around, then Mackenzie and I could have dinner with you.”

To her relief,
the tension in Seth’s expression and body was starting to loosen up. “Won’t
your father be disappointed if you don't eat with him?”

“He already had
plans this evening, so we were going to make do on our own.” She paused. Felt a
flutter of self-consciousness. “But it’s no big deal if you want to be alone. We
were just going to take it easy this evening anyway.”

“Why don’t you
two come over to Mac’s house, then? I don’t need to get back until tomorrow.

Erin nodded and
was about to reply when Seth added, “Unless you’d rather have some time alone. You
said you wanted to get away from everything this weekend.”

She smiled. “I didn't
want to get away from
you
.”

Without
warning, Seth returned her smile, and, for a long moment, they held the gaze.

Feeling more
confident, she asked, “Are you sure you’re all right?”

“You already
asked me that.”

“But you never
answered it. You never answer anything.”

“That is patently
untrue.”

“I meant about
your feelings. I know you’re not the kind of person who spills your guts, but
you hardly ever tell me anything. How am I supposed to even be a friend to you
if you don’t share anything, if you never even give me a hint?”

His jaw
clenched, and the sun—getting lower in the sky—shone onto his hair, burnishing
the brown almost bronze. “I’ve given you
plenty
of hints. I’ve told you
how I feel about you.”

 “I’m not
talking about that. I’m just saying in general.” Then she heard herself saying
something she’d never intended to say. “I just want you to know you can...you
can trust me.”

Seth was silent
for a moment. Then he relaxed and shook his head. “What do you want to know?”
he asked resignedly.

Erin’s nerves
disappeared. She actually chuckled. “Nothing in particular. I didn’t mean to
sound like I was complaining.”

Now that the
tension and anxiety had dissipated, Erin felt like she wanted to be closer to him,
so she slid an arm around his waist and gave him a sideways hug. “I really
wasn’t. I was just saying.”

“All right.” Seth
draped one arm around her, pulling her even more snugly against his side. “Point
taken.”

He seemed to
have understood what she’d been trying to say.

Which was quite
remarkable, since Erin didn’t quite understand it herself.

“So you and Mackenzie
will come over to the house this evening?” he asked, his body warm and strong
against hers, his eyes shifting back to the grave.

“Yeah. We'll
come over.”

“Good,” Seth
murmured, after a long moment of silence. “I could use your company tonight.”

***

“What office do you think
they’ll move you to?” Seth asked, scooting his chair closer to the small dining
table.

Erin felt a
familiar weight in her chest as she thought about her job. “I don’t know.
Somewhere where my relationship with you won’t be considered a conflict of
interest.”

Her boss had
been remarkably kind in the face of the story, which had caused more of a stir
than they’d been hoping, and he clearly felt bad about the need to transfer her
to another position. She was pretty sure, if the news hadn’t come out so publicly,
he might not have insisted she get moved at all.

But reputation
mattered a lot in a judge’s position—the public had to believe in the integrity
of the system—and she could hardly blame him for protecting both himself and the
justice system.

So her job paid
the price.

“Maybe they’ll
find something good for you,” Seth said, obviously trying to be encouraging.

“Maybe.” She
wasn’t optimistic, though. She’d liked her job. A lot. And now it was gone. “At
least I wasn’t fired outright.”

Seth frowned
and shifted his eyes distractedly toward Mackenzie, who was propped up in her
carrier so that she could see the action at the table. With her tiny fingers,
she gripped her plastic baby spoon, which Erin was letting her hold until it
was time to feed her. “There would be no cause to fire you outright.”

“Maybe not, and
I’m sure they don’t want to risk a possible lawsuit so they’d avoid doing
something like that. But my contract makes it clear that they get to decide
what constitutes a conflict of interest.” Erin took another bite of the pasta
they’d fixed earlier, not really in the mood to appreciate the meal as much as
she would have otherwise. “They have the right to let me go if I call into
question the administration of justice.”

“Well, maybe
the new position will be one you really like,” Seth said, repeating his
previous sentiment.

He was in a
strange mood this evening. Polite, pleasant, but almost tense beneath his cool
façade. Like he was struggling with something big, but had forced it down into
a tight little ball, refusing to acknowledge it.

Erin swallowed
her last bite and then took a long sip of her water. “All right, pumpkin,” she
began, standing up so she could remove the baby from the carrier. “I think it’s
time for you to eat too.”

She fastened a
bib around Mackenzie’s neck and then moved the bowl of infant cereal mixed with
breast milk to a more convenient location on the table in front of her. Since
there wasn’t a highchair in the house, she just sat Mackenzie in her lap.

Erin let the
baby keep holding onto the spoon and used a second spoon to start feeding her.

Seth watched
the proceedings, although he was silent and contained. Erin spooned out a small
bite of cereal for Mackenzie, who messily managed to eat at least half of what
was on the spoon. The rest ended up on her bib and her chin.

After a few
bites, Erin glanced over at Seth, who was still observing the two of them with
an odd stare, both blank and intense. “Do you want to try?” she offered,
holding the spoon out for him.

She had no idea
whether or not he’d want to help feed Mackenzie, but it was only fair to give
him a chance.

Seth looked at
first like he might object, but then he gave a little shrug. Without a word, he
moved his chair closer to Erin’s. He accepted the proffered spoon, dipped it in
the cereal, and then held it up to Mackenzie’s mouth.

She hesitated. Then
gave a high-pitched shriek and waved her arm wildly.

Her hand hit
the spoon, causing the cereal to fly off and plop onto Seth’s black shirt.

He looked down
at the smear of wet cereal on his chest.

Erin couldn’t
help but smile, and Mackenzie broke into giggles of delight.

Seth shook his
head. “It’s quite unfair for you to gang up on me that way.”

Erin shook with
amusement, but she tried to hold Mackenzie still. “You messed up your daddy’s
pretty shirt.” The silly distraction had helped to ease some of the tension in
the air. “He’s not wearing a bib like you are.”

Seth cleared
his throat and gave Erin a long-suffering look. “Shall we try again?”

While Erin
adjusted Mackenzie until she was sitting upright, Seth spooned out a little
more cereal. Held it up to the baby’s mouth.

Mackenzie gave
another ecstatic squeal and waved her arms again, once more hitting the spoon
so that the cereal flew off and landed on Seth’s shirt just under his neck.

He blinked down
once again at the mess on his shirt.

Mackenzie
giggled gleefully, evidently having discovered a new game.

Shaking his
head resignedly, Seth grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled it up over his
head. Erin watched almost stupefied until she realized he had a t-shirt on
under it.

But, still, she
noticed the way the smooth fabric of his shirt emphasized his broad shoulders
and the lean lines of his chest. She’d seen him naked before, but—for some reason—the
sight of him in the t-shirt seemed different, more intimate.

“What?” he
asked.

“Nothing.  Now,
Mackenzie,” Erin said, adjusting the baby into a better sitting position. “I
know it’s great fun to throw cereal at your daddy, but let’s try to be good. Your
daddy wants to feed you.”

“He might have
changed his mind about that.”

“Try once
more,” Erin said, the little scene distracting her from the worries of the
week. From the strange mood that had fallen over them in the cemetery and was
threatening to fall over them here too.

Seth cleared
his throat and dipped out another spoonful of cereal.

This time, Mackenzie
got ahead of herself and started waving her arms—still clutching the other
spoon in one hand—before Seth had raised the cereal to her mouth. He let her
babble and squeal happily for a minute, and, when she’d subsided, he fed her a
spoonful, which this time she deigned to accept.

“Good job,” Erin
murmured, rubbing Mackenzie’s back. “That was a good bite.”

“Was that
praise for Mackenzie or for me?”

“Both of you, I
guess.”

After several
minutes and a few more messes, they finished with the cereal. Mackenzie was
starting to get rather fussy—the shift between her giggling and a rising
temper-fit happening so quickly that Seth actually blinked in surprise.

“She’s tired,” Erin
explained. “I think my dad played with her all afternoon, so she didn’t get her
normal nap.” She leaned over to kiss her daughter’s temple, which the baby
didn’t appreciate at all. The pink face screwed up indignantly, and she hit Erin
in the chin with the spoon she still held.

“Ouch,” Erin
said softly, gently taking the spoon out of her hand. “You don’t hit mommy.”

Mackenzie made
a frantic grab to retrieve the treasured spoon, and—when she couldn’t get it
back—she started to wail.

Seth had been
watching them with a disturbing expression on his face, one Erin couldn’t quite
identify.

The interlude
of feeding Mackenzie together had been warm and pleasant—and had been a
temporary distraction. But now she felt exhausted and a little bit sad,
although she couldn’t really pinpoint why, other than her job situation.

“I’m going to
nurse her again to make sure she had enough to eat,” Erin told Seth. “And then I’ll
put her down. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Seth nodded. “If
you’d rather leave now...”

Erin shook her
head and spoke over Mackenzie’s renewed fussing. “My dad’s gone all evening. It’s
his poker night. So I might as well hang out with you.” She held Mackenzie out
toward Seth. “Say goodnight to your daddy, pumpkin.”